I met a guy. I've met lots of guys but none worth my time. But this guy is different. I think. We'll see...
We met a few weeks ago online and have talked and texted and FaceTimed but hadn't met in person. He came on strong and it made me wary because we hadn't met in person and I questioned his intentions.
Since then we've met in person and gone out a few times and we definitely click. He's introduced me to a couple friends and he invited me to his birthday thing next weekend in Austin with his friends. I'm having a get together tomorrow and he's supposed to come. We'll see. He says he's all in. He says he knows I've been through hell and back and he's not here to hurt me. We'll see.
So far I like what I see. He calls me every morning and night and we text throughout the day. He's not afraid to talk about things: issues in past relationships, what he wants in the future, issues with the kids. I'm starting to think he's for real and not just playing games but we'll see.
I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep thinking I'm an easy target bc I'm a young widow, like I'm a conquest to be had. I hope and pray that's not the case and that he sticks around. He says he's not going anywhere. We'll see.
My best friend said it's really rare to find love right off the bat and you might have to kiss a few frogs before finding it again but don't let that keep you from trying. Maybe he's not my forever, maybe he's my for now of for however long this season is. I'm trying to go with it and not drag my feet out of fear. It's hard bc it's so scary. I'm afraid to give my heart away and have it broken again. But I guess if I could survive the heartbreak of losing my sweet husband I can survive a breakup. We'll see.
My wise 13 year old said, "Don't break his trust by going on dates with anyone else because he seems like a good guy but guard your heart a little bit until you know for sure." Smart kid. I did that (proud momma moment). So that's what I'm doing. Here we go. We'll see how it goes.
Some days I feel like it was only yesterday that I lost my sweet husband. Sometimes it's as fresh as if it just happened and it's all I can do to breathe and make it from moment to moment.
Then there are times it feels like it was so long ago and I can't remember day to day life with him still here. My life makes sense again so sometimes it feels like it was just a dream.
It was a dream. I had a dream of a love that most people long for, a dream that some are never lucky enough to find. I had that. And now my dream has gone back up to the clouds where dreams live.
If I think about it I can remember the curve of his beautiful lips, the smoothness of his fingernails, the dimple on his one cheek when he smiled. I can remember the way we played footsies in bed and the way he stroked my hair and neck each morning. I can remember the way he looked at me when I was getting ready, like I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes on. I can remember his big laugh and the way his eyes squinted and he'd lose his breath when he laughed big.
I remember the way he studied me. I would catch him just watching me or snapping pictures of me like a weirdo. It was like he was taking it all in, every single moment. After he passed I found all the pictures and videos on his phone and tablet. I wished I had done the same because as time goes on the memories fade.
It's bittersweet and proof of God's grace that I'm back to normal again. It's terrifying to open myself up to the possibility of heartbreak again but if I don't I won't open myself up to the possibility of love and that's not something I'm willing to pass on. So I'm taking steps in faith, trusting that God is good.
I heard somewhere that fear is faith in the wrong thing. I don't want to have that kind of pessimistic faith. I want to have faith that my gift of discernment will lead me to let in the right people and that those that I let in have good intentions and will be good to be.
Someone recently told me I need to trust and jump in. When you dip your your toe in the pool it feels cold but once you jump in you realize it's actually warm. That's funny because that's actually something Mark told me when we started dating... "Maybe it's not too good to be true. Maybe the other shoe isn't going to drop. Maybe you need to let go and trust."
So I'm letting go. I'm trusting. Mark's D-Day is right around the corner but so is life and I'm jumping in.
We are celebrating life on his 1 year heavenly anniversary. We are celebrating his life and all he meant to us. We are celebrating the fact that he's home. We are celebrating the fact that Issac & I made it through it and are living abundantly. We are celebrating the life the lies right around the corner.
What does that mean? For the longest time I thought it meant be still in action. I couldn't understand how one was supposed to stop pursuing dreams or asking God for what they wanted. How could you just be satisfied with things as they are without wanting more or working for more? How could you be still?? And what's with the last part of the verse "... and know that I am God." I know who you are God, what does being still have to do with it? I never quite understood that verse... until now.
Being still isn't a state of being it's a state of mind. It's a stillness of spirit, a peacefulness within, the assurance inside that tells you everything will be okay and will work out because God is in control. That's what the last part means. "Know that I am God" and I can handle all things and do all things and work all things for your good.'
I finally feel at peace and a gentle stillness inside. Although I'm not still in action I'm still in spirit and I'm confident and sure of myself again. Last year was hard and I got the rug ripped out from under me in an instant. I lost my footing and lost my confidence but it has slowly come back over time and is now rooted in Christ so it's gentle yet firm, not a flaky confidence that crumbles easily.
I know what I want. I also know what I had and I'll always cherish that. And if I never have that again I'm fine with that now. But that is what I want. I want to have love like that again, or something like it. So in this season of waiting I will be still in spirit and know that God will provide.
But I won't be still in action. I have plans for this new year. My list of goals for 2018 are...
1) Decide on getting a second master's or not
2) Join a volunteer organization in my community
3) Finish my CEUs
4) Finish writing my book
5) Lose 20 lbs (to start)
6) Buy a house
7) Mark's Star trip
8) Dance again!
9) Stomp grapes
10) Go skydiving (iFly first)
11) Play tennis more
12) Go camping
13) Bourbon trail girls trip
14) Disney world
15) Host more game/karaoke nights
16) Get a tattoo
17) Decorate Mark's bar on the patio
18) Finish my 2017 photo books
19) Buy my own kayak
20) Ride a bike again
I used to not be able to sleep without you here in bed with me. I would wait up for you to come home. I always worried about you... If you were okay. If you were safe. If you were coming home. I couldn't sleep. If only I could sleep.
I always tried to wait for you but the hours would tick by. I would fall asleep but never for long. I'd wake, stretch my arm to reach for you, Check your side of the bed. Check the time. Check my phone. I couldn't sleep. If only I could sleep.
I never could really sleep without you here in bed with me. But I've learned how to live... With an empty bed, And an empty house. And empty arms.
Now I don't have to worry about where you are. I don't have to worry if you're safe. I don't have to wait up or worry if you're coming home. I know you're not.
I can sleep peacefully because I know... You are already home. And you're safe. And you're in good hands.
We're going on a year since Mark moved to heaven. What a difference a year makes! I don't know who came up with the notion that a year is adequate time to grieve, there's no time limit or order to processing grief, but there is something to it. I can say I'm doing a lot better than I was 9, 6, even 3 months ago.
There's something about coming up to the year anniversary that shifts things a little. The sting of it is not as strong. The hole in my heart is still there and the loneliness is still there but it's not as crippling. I don't feel suffocated by my grief like I used to. I'm learning to live again, learning to live with the vacancy left by my sweet husband. I'm settling in to my solitude and leaning in to my calling.
When Mark passed I remember making the choice to be the light. It was in those initial days after his passing, before the funeral. I was heartbroken in the worst way. I couldn't breathe, couldn't function, I just kept cursing and drinking to numb the pain. Just recalling that night brings me to tears. It was horrible. But in those initial gut- wrenching moments I felt a tiny sense of peace and the calling to "be a lighthouse" to others in a storm. I responded. I chose to be obedient. I chose to be the light.
Everything I post on social media is purposeful. I didn't over-share because I have no filter. I share because I'm being transparent, because I'm being a lighthouse for those that come behind me. I heard the call and I answered and I hope that I've helped at least one person deal with grief or life's troubles, or treasure life maybe a little bit more than they used to.
We, as a society, don't know how to deal with loss or delayed gratification, and we definitely don't know how to deal with grief. We are so used to having it all, or at least having the ability to get it. We don't like when things are taken from us. We don't like to lose. We give every kid on the team a trophy because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We shield our kids from death and dying because it's sad and sometimes not pretty. We shield them because it hurts deeply and that's scary. So we, as kids, grow up to fear death and when it happens to us we don't know how to deal with it. We've never HAD to. We've never been taught. In other countries they know heartache. They don't have access to medical care or basic essentials like we do and they fall ill and die, or in some countries are murdered, so death is a way of life. They accept it and deal with it and move forward. They honor the dead. We hide from it. We mask it with pills or drugs or alcohol or sex or any other "poison." We don't process and grieve in a healthy way.
I was called to be the light, to be a lighthouse in the storm. In my own pain I surrendered to God and my calling and shared my journey every step of the way. I don't know what's next for me. I feel a strong pulling at my heart to give more of myself to His work. I don't know if that will be stepping out in leadership at church, or writing a book, or speaking publicly. I don't know what that looks like, I'm still waiting on leadership from God to know where to step next, I just know it's happening.
I've felt the calling slowly over the years and then all at once. I've grown in my faith exponentially this past year. But it didn't all happen in one year. When I look back at memories or Facebook posts or think back I am reminded of prayers that I wrote down or dreams that I had that now seem more prophetic in nature than random dreams. Like the dream I had in 2013 (?) when I raised my hands in worship and was being pulled up to heaven. Or the prayer I prayed for God to help me lead and teach others and give me a platform and the words to say (I prayed and posted this prayer back in 2013). Or the blog posts I wrote in years past. All of these things seem to be part of a bigger plan or quilt that's slowly coming together. It's beginning to make more sense.
I'm still on my journey. I still miss my husband deeply but I feel more at peace now. God gave me peace and faith the size of a mustard seed at first but it's grown and is still growing. I'm learning to walk faithfully, not frantically. I'm lonely but not desperate. I'm brokenhearted but not crushed. I'm learning how to be still but moving forward. I'm learning that being still is not NOT moving. It's a stillness of spirit, not action. It's a peace and stillness from within. I'm settling into my singleness and my purpose. Who knows what the future holds; look how much changed in one year! We shall see. I'll continue to go where I'm led. He's never steered me wrong.
"I'm in awe that You would come to me
In awe that I could hear You speak.
Speak to me. I'm listening."~ Speak To Me by Kari Jobe
I’m broken now. I wasn’t before but when my world cracked and shifted like the tectonic plates below the surface of an earthquake something in me shifted too. I miss my husband something fierce and I long for the day when I can go home to heaven and be with him again. I’m secretly jealous of those that pass before me, especially when I know they’ll be reunited with their husband/wife in heaven. How beautiful that must be to run into their arms again and be led to the feet of our Savior together! I can only imagine. I’m homesick.
I’m homesick in the kind of way that a kid is at summer camp. They have fun during the day and enjoy the experience and make memories but they long to be home with their loved ones. They have trouble sleeping at night when everything gets quiet and still and they realize how small they are in the world, how alone they feel. They’re surrounded by other campers, kids their age, but they still feel so alone. That’s when they start to cry and want to call home, if not GO home.
I’m THAT kid at summer camp. I’m to the point in my journey that I’m experiencing life little by little again and I’m smiling and learning how to live again but when all the world is sleeping my mind races and my heart aches to be home in heaven with my hubby. I secretly wish I could just be done with this life already and get to go home too. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way or thinking that way. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, don’t call the suicide prevention hotline on me. I’m not taking steps for it to happen, I’m just fine with it if it does. Not that I have a choice in the matter, but you understand what I’m saying.
Losing someone close to you makes you face your own mortality and answer some hard questions. Are you ready to go today if He calls you home? My answer is Heck Yeah! Something I’m struggling with is taking measures to prolong life if something was to happen to me. If I got cancer or was in an accident... do I want to jump through hoops and go through the ringer or just live out my numbered days and accept God’s plan and go home if that’s the case? Do I sign a DNR? I want to, but then again I have a son, who will eventually grow up to have kids of his own, my grandkids. Do I want to miss that? Do I prolong life or prolong heaven??
I don’t want to prolong going to heaven. I want to go home! I’m so homesick. I wonder if those that go before us can relay messages to our loved ones in heaven, like a phone call from summer camp? Mark’s Grandma just passed. I wonder if he was there to greet her along with his grandpa, her husband, who passed a long time ago. I wonder if she heard me whisper in her ear to give my Marky a hug and a kiss for me and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I wonder if he got the message. Who knows!?! All I know is they’re there and I’m not yet and that makes me a little jealous. God forgive me for being jealous or envious. I’m just broken now, maybe I’m becoming a little jaded, and I want to go home. “I’ve never been more homesick than now.”
I debated whether or not to decorate the house for the holidays this year. It’s so hard going on with things and celebrating when my heart is still broken and a big piece of our lives is missing. But I decided to decorate, even if it is low-key, because I am still here, living, breathing, and serving others and that’s worth something. So I started thinking of all the things I’m thankful for and I made a list.
I’m thankful that I got the chance to love, really love, & be loved like I did.
I’m thankful that I had a husband that helped me show my son how to be a good man.
I’m thankful that I was able to experience God’s love and mercy and forgiveness in my husband’s arms, in a tangible way.
I’m thankful that he let me love him & lead him through this life and that he loved me until he left this earth.
I’m thankful that God has been with me through it all, before, during, and after. He’s been my protector and provider and has made His presence known so that I have peace in a very difficult time.
I’m thankful for my friends and family, my tribe, who have been there for me in more ways than I can mention.
I’m thankful for the people who have been constants in my life and have always been my safe place to land.
I’m thankful for God’s provision and for blessing me with the ability to pass my licensing boards this time last year. It’s allowed me to provide for my son and I and not have to make any lifestyle changes after losing Mark. We’ve had to change so much already.
I’m thankful for my work family. They’ve prayed over me, prayed with me, prayed for me, hugged me, heard me, made me laugh, supported me, and given me purpose.
I’m thankful for Tindell, my boss. Words can’t say enough about this woman. She has a heart of gold and gives unselfishly and is superwoman! I look up to her so much and am so thankful she brought me into the family.
I’m thankful for my parents who are always there, no more than a phone call away. I gave ‘em hell growing up but they never gave up on me. They’ve always supported me, loved me, pushed me, praised me, and made me the woman I am today. I don’t know what I would do without them.
I’m thankful for my sweet son. He’s such a good boy and doesn’t give me any problems (for the most part). He’s a teenager but he’s the most affectionate, wise, considerate 13 year old I know. He’s been through a lot and is still getting his bearings and learning how to be a man without a man in the house to look up to, but he’ll get it. We’ll figure it out and come out on the other side of this stronger and smarter.
I’m thankful for my church family, both in Mansfield @ TCAL and here @.Vista. They’ve done a great job of preaching and teaching and being a place of comfort and strength. I spend time in the prayer room often and find peace there, sitting at the foot of the cross.
I’m thankful for my GriefShare group and “feather friends,” others who have lost a loved one and suffer with me. We’re like birds of a feather, we flock together. They get me. We get each other.
I’m thankful for my ministry. I prayed a few years ago that God would lead me to be a good teacher to others and give me the words and the platform to lead others to Christ. He did. Although it’s not exactly the way I wanted things to go, I’m accepting my mission and bringing God the glory through it all. Where you go, I go. Lead the way Lord. Lead me to lead them.
I’m thankful for my gifts. I’ve been told I have the gift of being a good writer.and speaker and that my story and testimony have touched others. Thank you God for allowing me to use my gifts to do your work. I pray that you make clear to me what you want me to do next.
I’m thankful that I’m learning to live again. I’m thankful that I can dance without crying and talk about my sweet husband with a smile on my face now.
I’m thankful that I’m able to breathe again. I used to feel like I was drowning, always coming up gasping for air, but these days I feel like I’m either swimming or walking on water. There are days that I take my eyes of Jesus and I start to sink and drown again but He reaches out his hand and pulls me back up again and I’m able to catch my breath again. Thank God I can breathe!
I’m thankful for my kiddos (clients). They give me purpose and bring me joy. They’re the reason I survived after losing Mark. They didn’t know what was going on but they saw me sad and gave me hugs, brought me stuffed animals, and just sat with me quietly. It was the sweetest thing. I love my kiddos!
I’m thankful that I’ve figured out the meaning of life and I still have more than half my life left to live. Notice I haven’t said I’m thankful for my house or car or material things. It’s because none of that matters! What matters is how you treat people and how you live, how you serve, WHO you serve. I used to want the car, the kids, the house with the white picket fence. Well my life didn’t go that way. I got divorced after a turmoltuous first marriage, married Mark & then he got laid off when the plant shut down. We struggled with infertility, and financially, and couldn’t buy the house of my dreams. I was spinning my wheel like a hamster in a cage. It’s exhausting when you’re living outside of your means and aren’t satisfied with what you have or where you are in life. Mark taught me how to LIVE and over the course of our marriage I learned how to trust and let go and enjoy life, though I never could let go as much as he did. So I’m thankful for what he taught me and for gaining perspective & wisdom at such a young age so I don’t have to keep running the rat race. I can enjoy life, which is a blessing.
I’m thankful that the hard times have taught me more about myself and strengthened my relationship with God. I’ve seen Him more clearly and I’m not sure that would’ve happened if I was living high on the hill, blissfully unaware. So as much as it hurts and as hard as it is, I’m thankful that I’m making my way through it, even if I am walking through mud sometimes.
Finally, I’m thankful for new beginnings. I get the chance to begin again each morning. Most days are exhausting and tears are shed on a daily basis but I close my eyes at night and get to wake up to a fresh start each morning. Maybe one day it won’t hurt so bad. Maybe someday love will find me again and I’ll start my new beginning with another great love. Who knows? For now I’ll just be thankful for the new beginnings brought on by each sunrise.
So even though it hurts like hell there’s always something to be thankful for.
