Sudden-loss Widows PTSD

When Mark and I first met (reunited) I felt butterflies. I felt like I was floating on air. I felt excited to hear from him and I would get giddy and giggly when I would talk to him. I looked forward to seeing him and would worry about him when I knew he was having a bad day or in a bad situation. I cared for him. I cared for him and wanted him around until one day I just asked him not to ever leave again about a month after we started dating. So he moved in and within 6 months we were married... for almost 9 years.

After he passed I didn't think I'd be able to love again. I loved him so deeply and so fully that I wasn't sure my heart would ever be repaired enough to let someone else in. I didn't think I could but I pushed myself to get out there and just see what happens because I didn't want to live the rest of my life on the sidelines.

I've gone on dates but nothing significant, no relationships. Until now. I think this may actually be something. I don't want to put the cart before the horse but I feel myself starting to fall. I feel myself getting caught up, wanting more. I want to spend more time with him, I miss hearing from him when he doesn't call, I think about him and wish him well when we're apart. I feel my heart opening up and it's bittersweet because as much as I want it and want him, it makes me feel that much more frustrated and alone when we're apart.

I think I have sudden-loss widows PTSD. Is there such a thing? Certain things trigger me ever since I suddenly lost my husband. For instance, my guy called me last weekend after going out and I knew he had been drinking. I worried all night, couldn't sleep. When I didn't hear from him the next morning it brought all those feelings associated wth the accident back and then I was crying out of worry for him and crying out of grief for Mark and I was a mess. Of course I kept it all in and played it cool but it really affected me. And there are times I don't hear from him. We're both busy with careers and demands that take a lot of our time. I know that and I understand the constraints that his job puts on him and all that it takes out of him. I know that but my feelings still get all out of sorts when I don't hear from him for a while because it leaves me feeling alone, deserted, abandoned all over again. Ugh I hate feeling this way. I'm a strong woman!

I know it's completely irrational and out of proportion/perspective, but I can't help it. And I don't know what to do about it, how to process it. Do I talk to him about it? Would that make me seem clingy or insecure and push him away? Or would my vulnerability bring us closer? I want to move forward and I think this guy is worth the work it takes to get there but I just don't know because I don't know how invested he is. I knew moving on would be hard but I didn't realize how many challenges I'd have to overcome every step of the way. Ugh this sucks. I hate not knowing what to do, not knowing how to proceed. I hate the vulnerability and risk that comes with giving yourself away to another person who has the capability of hurting you.

It's terrifying but I keep telling myself the payoff is worth it. The risk of being hurt is worth the reward if that means we can make it work together. So I'm anchoring myself in the Lord and trying not to let my fears be bigger than my faith. I have faith that God has big plans for me and this is all part of His plan. I have faith that He will make good on his promises. I have faith that my heart will be okay. I have faith in my guy and trust that he's not out to hurt me considering he knows my story. I just have to trust the process. I have faith and I will take each step forward in faith, PTSD or not. I can do this. I am strong. I am wise. I am beautiful inside and out. I can do this.

No Stranger to the Rain

It's been a year since Mark passed. I planned a celebration of life party and we celebrated his life, my life, & the fact that I made it through the toughest year of my life. We sang and drank and laughed and shared memories. It was beautiful. I thought things were turning around. That was January 6th, with the one year anniversary of his funeral on January 12th.

Then came January 13th... I lost another very special person. My cousin Alex, my first best friend, my partner in crime, my brother from another mother. He was 36. I'm 35. This isn't supposed to happen. We're not supposed to die young. We're supposed to outlive our parents. We often laughed and talked about how we'd be when our parents passed and we were the old ones in Mason with our kids and grandkids coming to visit us. He never got the chance. He passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in his sleep instead.

It hurts. It doesn't feel right to have all the family around and not hear him cuttin up and making fun of stuff under his breath. LOL. He was hilarious. He was always happy, always being silly. It feels like he should be here. It's hard now but I'm okay. Unfortunately I'm no stranger to pain. I'm no stranger to the rain. I'm standing firm to be there for my family in a subtle strength sort of way. They've seen me grieve the unexpected loss of my husband. I hope my walk has left footprints in the sand for them to follow, they're still fresh anyway.

It's a long hard walk, and it's going to get harder before it gets easier, but it will get easier. I just wish it wasn't this way. I wish I didn't know this feeling all too well. I wish they didn't have to know this hurt too. But I remember that the Lord says, "In this world you will have trouble but fear not, for I have overcome the world" (John 16:33) so we have to cling tight to that promise that He will overcome and He'll help us overcome adversity. We must keep our eyes on Jesus and take one step after another to walk out of this alive, not just alive but ALIVE... thriving.

He is the source of comfort, the Prince of Peace, the healer of hurting hearts, all we have to do is lean into Him. It's not easy to do. It's a choice everyday, sometimes every minute. It's easier to stay in bed. It's easier to not go to work. It's easier to numb the pain. But healing isn't found in your dreams, or in food, or at the bottom of a bottle. Healing comes from the Healer.

Like a baby learning to walk, look up, take Him by the hand, and let him pull you up and teach you how to walk. You'll toddle around, you'll stumble and fall. You'll resort to crawling when you're too exhausted to pull yourself up and try again. You'll throw tantrums and cry, begging to be carried. That's okay! If you lean into him and rely on him He will carry you from time to time. But just like we want our kids to become independent, so does He. He wants you to rely on him but He wants you to do the work and fight the good fight and live out your purpose. You still have a purpose here.

Just like a toddler learns to walk, you'll walk again, and then you'll skip and dance again eventually. It takes time, faith, and focus. Just lean in. Lean into your feelings. It's okay to feel. It's okay to hurt. This hurts! You have to feel to heal. Lean in and lean on Christ. Lean on others who are willing to walk this journey with you. Don't shut down and shut people out. You can do this! Fear not! Christ has overcome and you can too.
❤Cassi

We'll See

I met a guy. I've met lots of guys but none worth my time. But this guy is different. I think. We'll see...

We met a few weeks ago online and have talked and texted and FaceTimed but hadn't met in person. He came on strong and it made me wary because we hadn't met in person and I questioned his intentions.

Since then we've met in person and gone out a few times and we definitely click. He's introduced me to a couple friends and he invited me to his birthday thing next weekend in Austin with his friends. I'm having a get together tomorrow and he's supposed to come. We'll see. He says he's all in. He says he knows I've been through hell and back and he's not here to hurt me. We'll see.

So far I like what I see. He calls me every morning and night and we text throughout the day. He's not afraid to talk about things: issues in past relationships, what he wants in the future, issues with the kids. I'm starting to think he's for real and not just playing games but we'll see.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep thinking I'm an easy target bc I'm a young widow, like I'm a conquest to be had. I hope and pray that's not the case and that he sticks around. He says he's not going anywhere. We'll see.

My best friend said it's really rare to find love right off the bat and you might have to kiss a few frogs before finding it again but don't let that keep you from trying. Maybe he's not my forever, maybe he's my for now of for however long this season is. I'm trying to go with it and not drag my feet out of fear. It's hard bc it's so scary. I'm afraid to give my heart away and have it broken again. But I guess if I could survive the heartbreak of losing my sweet husband I can survive a breakup. We'll see.

My wise 13 year old said, "Don't break his trust by going on dates with anyone else because he seems like a good guy but guard your heart a little bit until you know for sure." Smart kid. I did that (proud momma moment). So that's what I'm doing. Here we go. We'll see how it goes.

Around the Corner

Some days I feel like it was only yesterday that I lost my sweet husband. Sometimes it's as fresh as if it just happened and it's all I can do to breathe and make it from moment to moment.

Then there are times it feels like it was so long ago and I can't remember day to day life with him still here. My life makes sense again so sometimes it feels like it was just a dream.

It was a dream. I had a dream of a love that most people long for, a dream that some are never lucky enough to find. I had that. And now my dream has gone back up to the clouds where dreams live.

If I think about it I can remember the curve of his beautiful lips, the smoothness of his fingernails, the dimple on his one cheek when he smiled. I can remember the way we played footsies in bed and the way he stroked my hair and neck each morning. I can remember the way he looked at me when I was getting ready, like I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes on. I can remember his big laugh and the way his eyes squinted and he'd lose his breath when he laughed big.

I remember the way he studied me. I would catch him just watching me or snapping pictures of me like a weirdo. It was like he was taking it all in, every single moment. After he passed I found all the pictures and videos on his phone and tablet. I wished I had done the same because as time goes on the memories fade.

It's bittersweet and proof of God's grace that I'm back to normal again. It's terrifying to open myself up to the possibility of heartbreak again but if I don't I won't open myself up to the possibility of love and that's not something I'm willing to pass on. So I'm taking steps in faith, trusting that God is good.

I heard somewhere that fear is faith in the wrong thing. I don't want to have that kind of pessimistic faith. I want to have faith that my gift of discernment will lead me to let in the right people and that those that I let in have good intentions and will be good to be.

Someone recently told me I need to trust and jump in. When you dip your your toe in the pool it feels cold but once you jump in you realize it's actually warm. That's funny because that's actually something Mark told me when we started dating... "Maybe it's not too good to be true. Maybe the other shoe isn't going to drop. Maybe you need to let go and trust."

So I'm letting go. I'm trusting. Mark's D-Day is right around the corner but so is life and I'm jumping in.

We are celebrating life on his 1 year heavenly anniversary. We are celebrating his life and all he meant to us. We are celebrating the fact that he's home. We are celebrating the fact that Issac & I made it through it and are living abundantly. We are celebrating the life the lies right around the corner.

Be Still

What does that mean? For the longest time I thought it meant be still in action. I couldn't understand how one was supposed to stop pursuing dreams or asking God for what they wanted. How could you just be satisfied with things as they are without wanting more or working for more? How could you be still?? And what's with the last part of the verse "... and know that I am God." I know who you are God, what does being still have to do with it? I never quite understood that verse... until now.

Being still isn't a state of being it's a state of mind.  It's a stillness of spirit, a peacefulness within, the assurance inside that tells you everything will be okay and will work out because God is in control. That's what the last part means. "Know that I am God" and I can handle all things and do all things and work all things for your good.'

I finally feel at peace and a gentle stillness inside. Although I'm not still in action I'm still in spirit and I'm confident and sure of myself again. Last year was hard and I got the rug ripped out from under me in an instant. I lost my footing and lost my confidence but it has slowly come back over time and is now rooted in Christ so it's gentle yet firm, not a flaky confidence that crumbles easily.

I know what I want. I also know what I had and I'll always cherish that. And if I never have that again I'm fine with that now. But that is what I want. I want to have love like that again, or something like it. So in this season of waiting I will be still in spirit and know that God will provide.

But I won't be still in action. I have plans for this new year. My list of goals for 2018 are...

1) Decide on getting a second master's or not
2) Join a volunteer organization in my community
3) Finish my CEUs
4) Finish writing my book
5) Lose 20 lbs (to start)
6) Buy a house
7) Mark's Star trip
8) Dance again!
9) Stomp grapes
10) Go skydiving (iFly first)
11) Play tennis more
12) Go camping
13) Bourbon trail girls trip
14) Disney world
15) Host more game/karaoke nights
16) Get a tattoo
17) Decorate Mark's bar on the patio
18) Finish my 2017 photo books
19) Buy my own kayak
20) Ride a bike again

Sleep

I used to not be able to sleep without you here in bed with me.
I would wait up for you to come home.
I always worried about you...
     If you were okay.
          If you were safe.
               If you were coming home.
I couldn't sleep.
If only I could sleep.

I always tried to wait for you but the hours would tick by.
I would fall asleep but never for long.
I'd wake, stretch my arm to reach for you,
     Check your side of the bed.
          Check the time.
               Check my phone.
I couldn't sleep.
If only I could sleep.

I never could really sleep without you here in bed with me.
But I've learned how to live...
     With an empty bed,
          And an empty house.
               And empty arms.

Now I don't have to worry about where you are.
I don't have to worry if you're safe.
I don't have to wait up or worry if you're coming home.
I know you're not.

I can sleep peacefully because I know...
     You are already home.
          And you're safe.
               And you're in good hands.

I can sleep.
Now if only I could sleep.

Speak To Me, I'm Listening

We're going on a year since Mark moved to heaven. What a difference a year makes! I  don't know who came up with the notion  that a year is adequate time to grieve, there's no time limit or order to processing grief, but there is something to it. I can say I'm doing a lot better than I was 9, 6, even 3 months ago.

There's something about coming up to the year anniversary that shifts things a little. The sting of it is not as strong. The hole in my heart is still there and the loneliness is still there but it's not as crippling. I don't feel suffocated by my grief like I used to. I'm learning to live again, learning to live with the vacancy left by my sweet husband. I'm settling in to my solitude and leaning in to my calling.

When Mark passed I remember making the choice to be the light. It was in those initial days after his passing, before the funeral. I was heartbroken in the worst way. I couldn't breathe, couldn't function, I just kept cursing and drinking to numb the pain. Just recalling that night brings me to tears. It was horrible. But in those initial gut- wrenching moments I felt a tiny sense of peace and the calling to "be a lighthouse" to others in a storm. I responded. I chose to be obedient. I chose to be the light.

Everything I post on social media is purposeful. I didn't over-share because I have no filter. I share because I'm being transparent, because I'm being a lighthouse for those that come behind me. I heard the call and I answered and I hope that I've helped at least one person deal with grief or life's troubles, or treasure life maybe a little bit more than they used to.

We, as a society, don't know how to deal with loss or delayed gratification, and we definitely don't know how to deal with grief. We are so used to having it all, or at least having the ability to get it. We don't like when things are taken from us. We don't like to lose. We give every kid on the team a trophy because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We shield our kids from death and dying because it's sad and sometimes not pretty. We shield them because it hurts deeply and that's scary. So we, as kids, grow up to fear death and when it happens to us we don't know how to deal with it. We've never HAD to. We've never been taught. In other countries they know heartache. They don't have access to medical care or basic essentials like we do and they fall ill and die, or in some countries are murdered, so death is a way of life. They accept it and deal with it and move forward. They honor the dead. We hide from it. We mask it with pills or drugs or alcohol or sex or any other "poison." We don't process and grieve in a healthy way.

I was called to be the light, to be a lighthouse in the storm. In my own pain I surrendered to God and my calling and shared my journey every step of the way. I don't know what's next for me. I feel a strong pulling at my heart to give more of myself to His work. I don't know if that will be stepping out in leadership at church, or writing a book, or speaking publicly. I don't know what that looks like, I'm still waiting on leadership from God to know where to step next, I just know it's happening.

I've felt the calling slowly over the years and then all at once. I've grown in my faith exponentially this past year. But it didn't all happen in one year. When I look back at memories or Facebook posts or think back I am reminded of prayers that I wrote down or dreams that I had that now seem more prophetic in nature than random dreams. Like the dream I had in 2013 (?) when I raised my hands in worship and was being pulled up to heaven. Or the prayer I prayed for God to help me lead and teach others and give me a platform and the words to say (I prayed and posted this prayer back in 2013). Or the blog posts I wrote in years past. All of these things seem to be part of a bigger plan or quilt that's slowly coming together. It's beginning to make more sense.

I'm still on my journey. I still miss my husband deeply but I feel more at peace now. God gave me peace and faith the size of a mustard seed at first but it's grown and is still growing. I'm learning to walk faithfully, not frantically. I'm lonely but not desperate. I'm brokenhearted but not crushed. I'm learning how to be still but moving forward. I'm learning that being still is not NOT moving. It's a stillness of spirit, not action. It's a peace and stillness from within. I'm settling into my singleness and my purpose. Who knows what the future holds; look how much changed in one year! We shall see. I'll continue to go where I'm led. He's never steered me wrong.

"I'm in awe that You would come to me
In awe that I could hear You speak.
Speak to me. I'm listening."~ Speak To Me by Kari Jobe