I haven't written in a while. I've been busy with work and life and buying a house. Moving on. I think he's moving on too.
If you know my story you know how connected and in love we were before he passed. We were so connected that I felt him even after his passing. No, I'm not crazy. Sometimes two souls are so intertwined that they become a part of each other. That's what happened to us.
Mark and I didn't have the perfect marriage where everything was roses and rainbows all the time. I don't know about him but I was constantly in prayer for him. The night that he passed I was talking to God as I drove to go pick him up. I had gotten the call to go get him because he had too much to drink (he was celebrating for me, I had just passed my boards). I was talking to God, asking him to help me wth this man, tell me what to do. "He's a good man and a good husband but I can't keep doing this. Something needs to change and I can't do that, only You can. If I put him out he'll spiral out of control but if I let him stay things will never change. Help me God. Take this from me. Help me wth this man!"
As I was driving I got the call that his name was all over the scanner. I kept driving around looking for him, certain I'd pull up and see him in handcuffs. I was pissed and then this overwhelming wave of nausea hit me out of nowhere. It was so sudden that i looked at the clock in the car... 10:22 p.m. My prayers turned to questioning as I drove. "God what is going on? Why do I feel this way? Please don't let me throw up, I gotta find him. Why do I feel so sick? It's bad isn't it? Please don't let it be bad."
Then I saw it. The tow truck, the wreckage, all the lights of the first responders. As I drove up my prayers changed again. "Oh dear God please don't let it be that bad. But if it is, make it fast. Please have mercy on him. Take him quickly, please don't let him suffer. Oh dear God help me." It was THAT bad. But He made it fast. Instant. I spoke to him at 10, said I was coming to get him, and by 10:19 he was gone. That sick feeling I got at 10:22... I think I felt him leave me. I think I felt his soul come untangled, unraveled from mine. We were connected that way.
During the funeral I felt him. I felt like he was right there. After the funeral when everyone had gone mom and I sat on the couch. The pain was unbearable. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't breathe. My heart literally hurt. I was crying and mom and I were talking about Mark and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, her phone says, Hi there!" We both stopped, looked at each other, looked at his picture and urn on the mantle, and said HI MARK! It was weird. The electric energy around me and my house was crazy in those first few days after he passed. I kept getting shocked, lights kept going out in my house, fuses blowing. It was crazy.
I felt him around sometimes. I smelled him 6 months after and accused Issac of getting in his cologne and putting too much on. He wasnt even wearing cologne (I did a smell-test because I didn't believe him when he told me). It was in the air, right there in the doorway to our bedroom. I smelled him. He came to me in a dream and stroked my hair, held my face, and told me he loves me and he's here. I felt him.
When I started dating I prayed to God to protect me and help me guard my broken but healing heart. I talked to Mark and told him I wouldn't be doing this if he wouldn't have left me but I have to figure things out on my own now. I asked for a sign, for him to show me it's okay, I'm okay. I went out with a guy and counted at least 6 cardinals while we were out hiking. They say cardinals are signs from heaven that your loved one is near. Well they were all along the trail as we walked. It was nuts, too coincidental.
It's been SO hard but also beautiful. It's been a process. At first I felt him SO strong and near but over time the coincidences have dwindled down. It's been about 9 months since I felt him last. I think he's moved on. I don't blame him, I'm trying to move on too. He has bigger and better things to move on to. I don't know what's out there for me. It's scary. And lonely. But I know that even if he isn't with me anymore God is. He's always been there through it all. He's protected me, provided for me through work opportunities and friends and family, and He's been my anchor and my stronghold in the storm. He's where my strength comes from and where my hope lies. During my darkest hour, during my darkest days, my eyes were on Him and I worshipped Him despite my circumstance.
And they still are. I'm human. I get angry. I get lonely and insecure and impatient and fear creeps in and floods my mind but I refocus on Him and He continues to get me through. I have faith that He will provide... a man to hold me and love me, a baby for me to hold and love, and many more beautiful memories with my Bub. He will. I've gotta keep movin on.
