Blogging Hiatus

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus from blogging over the last couple years. I blogged a lot after losing Mark but then life started looking up again and I got sidetracked and let blogging fall to the wayside. I’ve been positing on social media (Facebook) because that’s been my platform over the years but I’ve taken a hiatus from blogging. 

The last blog I wrote was in October 2021, three months after losing Gabe. I wrote that I was doing well because I knew how to walk the widow walk and “it was like muscle memory.” Part of that was true. I knew what to do for sure, but the other part that I failed to realize was that I was in shock! I was walking through life as if nothing had happened when I had just lost my second husband, the father of my girls, my answered prayer. 

My grief was definitely delayed after losing Gabe. I felt it in small waves at first and was able to go on about life because I was in shock, denial. At about the year mark it hit me like a tsunami and wrecked my world. I was having trouble balancing work and home stressors. My relationship that I thought was going somewhere was filled with drama because he and I were both filled with trauma. When we met we fit well because I was depressed and suppressing my grief. I was in a space where I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to dance and sing and live and experience life. I just wanted to be a homebody and be loved and escape my life sometimes. His personality is very reserved and guarded, very withdrawn. So we meshed well enough at first. We didn’t push boundaries with each other and we respected each other’s grief and trauma. 

But as I started to heal I started realizing that we didn’t gel so well because we are very different people. Different personality types. I realized about 9 months in that we weren’t a good fit for each other but I have a hard time quitting people. I was hell bent on making it to the other side of the struggle, putting in the hard work to bond together and pull each other through this hard time. We tried to make it work but there was always something, it never came easy, it was always a struggle. The stress of the relationship, the back and forth and emotional toll it took on me, the unpredictability and impulsivity that I was showing to my kids, friends, and family… all of it were signs of PTSD. 

I realized I wasn’t doing him any justice by keeping him in a relationship he wasn’t enough for. He needed to heal too and he couldn’t do that with me in the picture as a distraction. And I wasn’t doing myself justice or allowing myself to fully heal because the nurturer and healer in me kept worrying about him and trying to help him heal. I had to put the oxygen mask on myself and break free. I felt guilty about giving up on him, I grappled with that for a long time, but ultimately I had to make a choice. So I ended it.

Since then I’ve been focusing on my walk with God and taking care of myself. I’m protecting my peace, the little peace that I have right now, and nurturing it to help it grow. I’m re-centering myself in God and what He says about me and life’s situations and I’m trying to choose joy more than I have been this past year. I’ve said it before that “this past year has been the hardest year of my life” and then SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS! I’m going to quit saying that. But this year has definitely been more of a challenge and I’ve lost perspective and lost my joy at times. I’m almost ashamed to admit that because I am such a strong believer and I know my joy comes from the Lord but I have failed miserably this past year. I have fallen short and lost my hope and joy. If you can imagine me walking on a path following after Jesus… I’m still walking on the path but I’m downtrodden. My head is hung and my face is flushed with furrowed brows. I’m dragging my feet and wavering as I walk, leaving the path ever so slightly as I mumble and fumble through the desert that is my life right now. But still I’m walking in the same direction. I’m not lost, I still look up and see Him way up ahead, but I’m discouraged that I’m so far behind and I’m so exhausted and thirsty! My soul is thirsty. My heart is thirsty.

It makes me think about the Israelites who wandered for 40 years in the desert and how they must have felt. Am I being punished for losing perspective? Is this a time of reflection and purification and preparation for the promise land? What’s the bigger picture? Where’s the testimony? Ever since I heard the calling on my life I ask myself questions like these. I’m not perfect by any means, I live out loud on purpose to shed light on modern day discipleship and to encourage others to get on the path and follow after Jesus too. Literally as I write this I’m filled with hope and reminded that God uses suffering for 3 reasons: Correction, Salvation, and Sanctification (perfecting us). I did not deserve to lose my husbands. I do not deserve to struggle so much and have such a rough go-of-it these days. I don’t think it’s for correction purposes because the suffering is not causing me to turn from transgressions (repetitive purposeful sinning). Or maybe it is for correction and I'm being humbled to eventually see it? I don't know. I am saved and share my faith and testimony so I don’t think it’s for salvation. Not mine at least. Maybe for discipleship, the salvation of others? The other reason is sanctification… experiential sanctification. 

I was asked this weekend, "How are you still doing okay? What drives you?" My answer was this: My faith. I am a faith-filled woman and I don't know why bad things have happened in my life. I don't know why I have suffered so much in such a short time. But I do know that he works everything for His purpose, even this. And I know that we are all uniquely made and all have a purpose and maybe this is mine. I told my friend that I have had a unique experience and I know this is my purpose because He told me so when I heard the call 6 years ago. "Be a lighthouse." To me that means shed light, light the path, guide them home. So I do. Even in my struggles and heartaches, even when I fall flat on my face, even when I hang my head as I drag my feet on the path. I'm still walking. Let's walk together.

Hiatus is over. Time to start writing again.

Coincidence...I think not

Just a month ago I wrote a blog post about our struggle with infertility. We had just done one IUI and I was begging God to let this be it. I was asking Him to reveal himself to me, show me a miracle.

Well...I got it. I got lots of them actually. But this is not what I was talking about when I said show yourself to me and do a work in my life. Now that I'm looking back in trying to make sense of it all and it just doesn't make sense but I can see how the pieces fit together now. I can see how God has woven things together leading up to this moment.

I always said I felt like God was preparing me for loss. I couldn't explain it but I had this tugging at my heart for the last 8-10 years or so. I empathize deeply with those who have suffered great loss and I just felt like one day it would be me. I remember 4 years ago, standing in Bub's room folding laundry when he was away at his dad's for the weekend, and I had a conversation with God. That's how our relationship is, I just talk to him whenever, wherever, and then I listen and wait for His response.

So that weekend I was standing in Bub's military themed bedroom, folding laundry and missing him, and I felt a sense of mourning come over me. Not the usual "I miss my baby while he's at his dad's" feeling. In that moment I dropped to my knees and prayed. Bub has always wanted to join the military since he was around 3. I thought he'd grow out of it but he's still all about it and he's almost 13. I don't want to crush his dreams or dictate his life but I don't want to lose him either. He's my only child, the only one I gave birth to. So I prayed that God would protect my baby. I felt confused but I still felt like He was preparing me for loss. I thought it would be Bub, as an adult, from being in the military. Boy was I wrong.

He was working in me alright, but He was preparing me for the loss of my husband, not my son. Have you ever had "Y" moments? Moments when you're faced with a decision and you're sitting at the Y in the road trying to decide which road to go down? I had one of those moments when Mark and I began dating. He worked at Alcoa in Rockdale and we lived in Temple. He would commute to work every day and work 16 hour shifts in 120° heat in the aluminum smelter and then drive home on fumes (exhausted). I was always worried for him. One night he didn't come home. I didn't know if he was wrecked on the side of the road or what. His phone went straight to voice-mail. I stayed up all night worrying and when I was crying in the shower that morning he walked in and asked why I was crying. I was so relieved to see him! He said he pulled a double and then took a nap and his phone died. All I could think was "Thank God you're okay but WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?!"

He drove me crazy and back then and he had more flaws than I knew what to do with but I decided that I was willing to work at things with him. I loved him deeply from the start and he loved me the same. So I chose him and we committed to becoming better together. Now looking back, I feel like that was a "Y" moment. Like God was giving me a glimpse and saying "okay this is what you get if you choose to go down this road but it'll be beautiful and full of love, or you can go down another road and avoid everything, heartache and love included." I chose Mark. I remember choosing Mark. And if I had to do it all over I'd chose him again every time. Because the love was worth the heartache and the lessons are with the growing pains.

Since his passing I've been reflecting on things and I know He has had his hand on us from the beginning. When we started down our path on the left side of the "Y" he guided my steps. I know the bible says the man is to be the spiritual leader of the home but in our home it was always me. He was a little behind me on his journey of faith but I was within eyesight, leading the way. When he got laid off from Alcoa and was losing himself I prayed for help, for guidance, for protection & provision. I prayed to be led in the right direction. Then I got an email from a principal in Fort Worth ISD asking me to interview for a sped teaching position. Crazy thing was, I hadn't even filled out an application! I agreed to fill out an app and do the interview. I interviewed on Wednesday and got the offer on Thursday. Boom. Done. We put the house on the market the following week and had an offer within a week! I'm not exaggerating, it was that fast. We moved to Fort Worth and lived with my parents while we waited for the house to sell. It didn't. The buyer's loan fell through and we couldn't afford to pay that mortgage plus another one in FW so we rented the house out and rented a house for ourselves in FW.

While in FW I was listening to the radio and heard about a little church that was making big news and decided to check it out (https://www.google.com/amp/s/praisephilly.hellobeautiful.com/318621/church-riles-some-with-jesus-does-not-care-campaign/amp/?client=ms-android-att-us). We LOVED the church. We immediately felt accepted, loved, and inspired. Over the years we became more involved in the church. Mark became a member of the men's Iron Man ministry and I was involved with the Women's ministry. We mentored people, greeted, and served the homeless. Mark gave his life to Christ in 2011, thank God for that.

The years passed and the kids were getting older and more involved in extra curriculars and we needed to be around more, not so much back and forth for visitation. So I prayed and prayed and one day Mark said, "why don't we just move back home?" There it was, my sign, my approval. So I put in applications and did interviews and got on with BISD, my top choice.

While we were here I was moved from school to school and met a lot of great people through work. I needed to start my supervision hours towards my BCBA so I opened up the supervisor registry, picked a name, and called to set up an interview. I didn't know Kristi Tindell from Suzy Q at the time. I taught, worked part time for CTBS, did my master's full time, and had my family and home. My life was full and busy but I was able to do it all because Mark was my partner and he helped me through it all.

Last June I was at another "Y." I was faced with the decision to keep teaching or resign and go into private therapy full time while testing to become fully credentialed.  I'd heard the board exam was hard and there was no guarantee I'd pass. Statistically,  people have a better chance of passing the Bar exam than the BCBA exam. I was scared for our family's financial future and I prayed and prayed and just felt led to jump and trust that we would be alright.

I worried. I stressed. Mark REALLY stressed. He kept urging me to go back to the district. They had benefits, predictable pay, etc. I would apply and appease him but I would always tell him we're going to be okay, just trust. That was hard for him as a man. He did our finances. He knew the kind of stress we were in. But we managed. He worked 2, sometimes 3 jobs (S&W, Uber, and driving a trash truck) and I worked 2 (CTBS and BISD homebound education). We were hustling and staying afloat so everything would remain the same for the kids.

The day he passed I had worked until 6. He only worked his day job (4am until lunch) and went straight to his friend's house. He didn't come home and eat lunch or nap. I never saw him that day, only talked to him on the phone a couple times. That night I got a call that he was coming home. Then another that he left his phone so I went out there to go get it.  If I hadn't gotten his phone I wouldn't have gotten the call that he was in trouble (read previous post for details). He hadn't updated his license since we moved so the police wouldn't have been able to find me that night had I not gotten the call and found him. That was God. He knew I'd want to be as close as I could to him as soon as possible.

He led me down the wrong road that night so I wouldn't see it happen or drive up on it before the paramedics got there. That was God because I even had my GPS on and Mapquest Molly recalculated.

He used the paramedic to pray over him in those initial moments after his death. As it turns out she is the daughter of a coworker of mine and she's a believer as well. Because of our connection I was able to reach out to her and get some answers about that night...and get some peace.

He used the police officer that gave me the news...turns out I worked with him back in 2001 when I interned with Temple PD. He remembered me that night and held me tight when I was literally falling apart. He remembered my family and has been so supportive since the accident.

God used the people He led me to work with to hold me up, check on me, provide for me, sustain me, and love me. For years He has been working things together for my good I just couldn't see it at the time. Although this is not good, and it's not what I wanted AT ALL, I can see the good that went into it and the good that's coming from it and it's beautiful. I keep saying that...it's tragically beautiful. God's faithfulness and provision is amazing and always on time.

Opposite Day

You remember that game we used to play as kids when we would say and do the opposite of what others were saying? We said it was “Opposite Day” and did the opposite just to be annoying (please tell me I wasn’t the only annoying little turd out there)! 😂 I’m realizing that I had it all figured out way back then. THAT’S the secret to success and happiness! Just DO THE OPPOSITE of what you’re feeling!

Feel sad… do something that makes you joyful. Feel lonely… go out and socializeWanna stay in bed all day because you’re sad and lonely… get up and move your body and get out thereWanna be lazy and eat sweets… clean the house and eat fruitDon’t wanna have that talk because it’s scary… just say your opening lines and then sit and listen to the other person and do it in chunks.

I’ve found that when I’m feeling scared or depressed or anxious (or insert negative emotion here) I try not to let myself be led by my feelings. Instead I acknowledge the feeling but CHOOSE to do the opposite of what I’m feeling. Like right now, the loneliness is setting in and it’s hard!!! I want to stay in bed and mope but I’m going to make myself get up, workout, shower, and get out of the house! I know I’m lonely but I won’t be led by loneliness. I won’t stay in bed and sulk. Instead I’m saying to myself, “Yes this sucks. You can cry into your pillow tonight and feel all the feelings later but right now you will GET UP and fight it like the badass that you are!” So I’m doing the opposite in the moment and feeling the feelings when I’ve given myself permission to do so. I am in control of my feelings they do not control me. There’s actually a name for this, it’s called “Acceptance & Commitment Therapy.” You accept what is, don’t try to fake it change it but accept it, and commit to a plan to get through it. *For more info click the link at the end of the blog.

It’s hard. Losing your spouse is hard at any age. Losing a second spouse so soon after the first (I’ve lost 2 husbands in less than 5 years) is definitely rare and SUPER HARD. In some ways it’s easier this time around, in other ways it’s so much harder. 
If I’m comparing losses I feel like where I am today in my grief journey (3 mos. out) is where I was a year after losing Mark. That loss hit me harder bc there was no prep for it and there was trauma involved. It took me longer to process and accept and move through because I had never been through it before. There was no roadmap for me, I had to forge my own path. 

This time it’s different. It’s like muscle memory, learning history. I know what to do and how to do it. I had time to pray and prep while Gabe was in ICU so my mind could wrap around it some. I had time with God and him and I feel at peace now because I got to pray him across and be with him in those final days and moments. It doesn’t change the fact that I think of him everyday but it’s just different. Not bad. DIFFERENT. My heart misses him but feels peace because I know where he is and I know we’ll be alright. 

Maybe it’s God’s way of lightening the burden on my heart so it won’t just explode and die. Whatever it is, I’ll be honest, it makes it hard to be patient with the process and sit in the feelings all over again. Especially when people say, “You’re young, you’ll find love again!” I have my doubts but I’ll be honest, it’s what I want too. I’ve always been a person who craves connection and companionship. I can’t help it, that’s just how God made me. But he also made me a thinker. I’m like a 50/50 split because I feel all the feelings but I think my way through things and know how to manage them. 

I’m really being put to the test because I FEEL confident and further along in my grief journey than my timeline tells people I should be. People think, “Oh wow it’s only been a few months” and judge (positively or negatively) but it’s because it’s outside judgement. They haven’t walked my walk and don’t understand how I could be okay or even thinking about moving forward. That’s what makes this journey harder. My Bub and I have been here before and know how to manage and move through it. The girls have not. It’s new and raw and harder for them. I have to be mindful of the fact that they don’t understand my journey is different than theirs and I have to be empathetic to their feelings and their timeline. 

So for me everyday is Opposite Day. I live in the awkward space I call the “in-between” where I feel the feelings but grieve with joy and move forward. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed… I’m getting up to workout right now. Sometimes I want to be selfish and do what makes me happy but I’ll do the opposite for the sake of the kids. And everyday I pray for peace with the process and for God to guide my steps and lead me to lead them because I can’t do this on my own.

https://positivepsychology.com/act-acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/

Life Goes On

Today was a long day. Work was busy and I had a presentation this evening so I knew I would be going nonstop until 8. By the time I left work at 4 I was emotionally exhausted from pushing through all day. I’ve learned how to compartmentalize so I can manage my life (side effect of Mark’s loss) so I seem fine on the surface but it’s all underneath. When I push too hard or go for too long it bubbles over. That’s what happened today. Work was good but I had a lot going on in my head and a lot on my to-do list and it was too much for one day. I cried all the way home thinking about dinner and chores and just wanting my husband back.

I got home an emotional wreck just trying to breathe and Abbie had thrown the trash, picked up the groceries and put them away, and she started making dinner. I poured a glass of red wine and we talked and hung out in the kitchen while she cooked and I helped. She has really stepped up and her daddy would be SO proud of her. And it was good!! She cooks better than me 😆 I’m so thankful for her. That was a huge weight off my shoulders today. 

We discussed Alyssa‘a birthday plans. We were supposed to have a quince last weekend but it didn’t happen. Hopefully next year we can have a sweet 16 for her. Either that or a car I guess at that point if she wants it. I miss my girl and can’t wait for her birthday party on Sunday. His family is throwing her a birthday party and it’ll be nice to all have fun as a family again. 

Issac is coming home from his dad’s tomorrow and he starts his senior year on Wednesday. It’s his LAST first day of school. This is definitely going to be a memorable but hard year. I’m so sad Gabe isn’t here to walk through this journey with me. He’s my rock. I’m going to be an emotional wreck. I already am 🤦🏻‍♀️ He was so proud of all 3 of our kids. I am so proud of all 3 of our kids. They have been such troopers through all the heartache and craziness. I can’t imagine my life without them. God really knew what he was doing when he blended our two families together. 

It’s going to be a busy week. Life goes on and right now it feels like it’s going at warp speed. I’m doing my best to keep up. Thank God for these kids of ours! Time for goodnight prayers. Goodnight world. 

What’s Heaven Like?

When someone you love dies you think about all kinds of philosophical things like heaven and hell and life after death. I have my own theory about what happens for believers after death. I know the Bible tells us that for believers they close their eyes in this life and wake up in the next. It’s instant. However I don’t think they are instantly with Jesus. 

I feel like we are all on a path to Jesus. Some of us are more towards the front of the line, those that are holier than thou (think Mother Teresa, upright and righteous pastors and priests, etc.). Then there are those of us who are making our way to Jesus and we’re on the path but we’re not at the level of spiritual leaders. And some are just beginning our journey of faith. Some have just started the walk and rely on those of us who are a little further ahead to reach back and extend our hands to help them along the way or offer encouraging words. And then there are those who have gotten off the path completely and either got lost and discouraged or refuse to believe in God. Everyone is at a different place in line but all heading towards the same direction and those that are off the path may not make it there at all. We know that part is true based on what the Bible says.  14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.(Matthew 7:13-14)

My theory is that it’s the same on the other side of the veil. When someone dies they’re just on the other side starting their journey to Jesus. The Bible tells us we are greeted by familiar faces when we die so I imagine those that have preceded us in death recently are there waiting to greet us. They’re closer to where we are on the journey. Those that have passed a long time ago are further along the path and may not be there to greet us. I think when we pass we don’t have direct, immediate access to Jesus or Mary or the disciples because they are the holiest of holy and we are baby angels just making our way. I think we can hear his voice and know his presence and communicate and commune with other angels to constantly worship him but we’re not at his feet or his right hand yet. 

It makes sense then that when someone you love and are close to passes you pick up on signs from them. Sure it could be coincidence but I don’t think so. I think they’re “Godwinks” or winks from loved ones in Heaven, just on the other side of the sheer curtain. I think as they make their way closer to Jesus they slowly fade from our realm and the signs and winks eventually stop which helps us in the letting go process too. 

I may be really wrong. There’s no way to know what Heaven is like without actually going. I can’t wait for my day to come. I will be running to Jesus so don’t be offended if I don’t stick around to give you a sign. Actually I think that may be the case for my Gabe. I feel like he gave me a sign last night but I’m not sure how many more I’ll get because if I know Gabe I know he’s on the other side and he is not holding back, he is running to Jesus. I’d do the same thing. 

So again, I may be wrong, but I may be right! Those of you who are more knowledgeable of the Bible give me some feedback. These are just random thoughts since I don’t sleep much these days and my other half lives in Heaven now. I can only imagine what it’s like. 

He did it again

Gosh I hadn’t blogged in a long time. There’s tons to catch up on so I figure I’ll start at the beginning and fill in the timeline as we go on this journey together. If you’re new let me catch you up to speed. 

I started this blog, “Shaken, not Stirred,” a few years ago after I lost my husband Mark. I was 34, he was 36, and it was very sudden and tragic and in my deepest, darkest grief I heard a quiet voice say, “Be a lighthouse.” So I did. I shared my testimonies, trials, and triumphs through social media. If you want to read more of his backstory and that experience you can read through old blogs. 

I got to the point in my widowhood journey that I had quit TRYING to find someone to bring me peace and joy and I found it in God, in friends, in nature. And then it happened. One night while I was out dancing with my girlfriends a sweet and charming man walked straight towards me and introduced himself. He seemed familiar but I couldn’t place him so I was polite and made small talk and then spent the next 10 minutes talking to my friend Natalie trying to figure out how I knew him. I remembered that we had 1 class together back in high school, my sophomore year/his senior year. Wow! How did he remember me? I went to sit with my friends and a couple songs later there he was. He walked right up to me, put out his hand, and asked me to dance. We danced and talked while we danced and by the time I knew it 3 songs had gone by and I was inviting him to church the next morning. Right there on the dance floor! I would go back to sit with my friends and he would come back, hold out his hand without saying a word, and I’d get up and go dance with him again. It felt so natural, like he was my new home. By the end of the night we danced to “Sangria” by Blake Shelton and had our first kiss right there on the dance floor. He walked me to my car and gave me a kiss goodnight and I felt butterflies! I got home and he called me to make sure I made it home and we talked on the phone until after 4am. 

I woke up the next morning and got ready for church and seriously doubted he would show up. We had been up all night and honestly, most men I had been on dates with were either flaky, deceitful, or would just give breadcrumbs and lead me on without actually being fully interested or invested. I told myself ‘if he comes, great, but if not it’s no biggie.’ Well I pulled into the parking lot and he texted me asking where he could find me in church. OMG he came! I walk in and stood in the gathering area and in he walks with his church shoes on and his tattered Bible in hand and my heart jumped for joy because THIS was the man I had been praying for. He was respectful and kind, he was a man of God, and he was honest and committed even from the beginning. He didn’t play games with my heart, he said what he meant and meant what he said. He was a man of integrity I already knew it. We went to church and then had lunch together and our relationship took off at warp speed. 

Gabe and I met on March 22, 2019. By June we took our first out of state vacation together, and by August we were engaged. We planned a big, beautiful wedding together, I did all the decorating DIY, and he baked our wedding cake! We got married on January 25, 2020. We were married 1.5 years and made so many memories together. We blended our families together and our teenagers really hit it off, his girls and my boy are all within 1-2 years of each other. We were busy and blessed and so happy! We cherished every single second. 

And then he died. 

I’m still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that God gave me everything I had been praying for and then in such a short time he was taken back home to heaven, leaving me and the kids here to mourn and figure out life without him. I don’t understand. Gabe was SUCH a good man, the most selfless man I’ll ever know. He was a big man with a big personality and an even bigger heart. He was never sick. He never stopped moving and doing stuff for others. But one day he ran across someone with Covid and he got it and it hit him hard and fast. 

He got sick over the 4th of July weekend and by July 7th he was in the ER and he was intubated on July 8th. That was the last time we spoke. His last words to me were “I love you so much. Take care of my girls” and I told him I loved him so SO much and not to worry about us, I would take care of them and we would be okay he just needs to rest and get better. He was on the ventilator for 18 days with no improvement to his lungs. We prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle, for God to heal him even just a little bit, just enough for the doctors to be able to do their work and help him get better! We prayed day and night, in private and in public prayer vigils. The whole town was praying with us. We had people praying from all over the US and even some friends in Germany were praying with us. God HAD to hear us! Gabe was a faithful man. A righteous man of God. I have strong faith. He HAD to hear us, right? 

I spent the last night with him in the ICU and was in worship and prayer all night long. I prayed without ceasing. I read scripture to him, I prayed over him, and I told anybody who came to work with him that I wanted them to pray while they worked on him. Any hands that touched him had to be channeling God to him that night. 

My prayer focus shifted that night. I knew we were at the end of our road and as much as I wanted God to spare him I knew that He may not. I’ve been down this road before and I know that sometimes our plans don’t line up with God’s plans for whatever reason. I don’t know the reason nor do I understand nor do I like it but I had to accept it regardless of how it turned out for us. My prayer focus shifted to, “Please God heal him in this life or the next, please God give us peace, please God be with my husband.” I continued to pray for miracle healing up until he took his last breath but I also prayed for God’s will to be done and for grace for us who are left behind missing him. 

My husband Gabe passed away on Sunday July 25, 2021 surrounded by family. I don’t know how I’m going to do this again but I know I have to. I know I have to be okay for his girls. I promised him. And I have to be okay for my son who’s already lost one stepdad and is now having to lose another whom he loved SO MUCH and was so grateful to have in our lives. I can’t believe lightning has struck twice and that I’m widowed again and I’m not even 40 yet. It’s almost unheard of, I’ve lost two husbands in less than 5 years. I can’t help but question God and ask why He would bring this beautiful man into my life only to take him away. God he was such a blessing! I’ll never understand, maybe it’s not for me to understand. Maybe I just have to trust and keep walking forward. So I’m walking forward, it feels like I’m walking through mud but I’m walking. I’m praying for peace and purpose. There’s GOTTA be a purpose for the pain! I just don’t understand. I keep reminding myself that God is good and He works all things together for our good. Even this. Even now. God remind me. 

Swimming to Shore

For a little bit there I could breathe again. I’ve spent the last year and a half kicking towards the surface, holding my breath and kicking like hell,  trying to break the surface to exhale and then take in the most wholesome, glorious breath. I finally breathed in life again and for the first time in a long time I felt normal again. I didn’t feel like the sad widow. I felt like the beautiful woman who was dating a guy who was crazy about her. I felt confident and more like myself than I have in a long time.

It’s exhausting to always be fighting to persevere, to keep juggling all the balls in the air, trying not to let any of them fall, trying to maintain this life as a strong woman when I really just want to fall into my man’s arms at night and let down my guard. For a little while I had that and I could breathe easy again. I guess I should be thankful for that. For the short break that I had, the life rope that was thrown my way. But right now as I look at my tear stained face in the mirror, my hair a mess and my lips stained with red wine, in my yoga pants and my workout shirt that says “enjoy every moment” I’m finding it hard to be thankful. I’m laughing at God’s sense of humor and the irony of my choice of clothing tonight. I didn’t expect a grief wave to hit me like this when I grabbed my night clothes from the edge of the bathtub where they had been laid the night before.

You know life is funny. You think you have it all and the rug gets ripped out from under you. You think you don’t deserve it and it’s given to you on a silver platter. You think you can’t survive and yet you keep on breathing. You think you’ll never love again and yet you do. You think nothing can hurt as bad as burying your loved one but then you’re left alone by choice and that hurts just as bad whether you want to admit it or not. I don’t know what the meaning or the message is, I’m still trying to figure that out. I wish I knew. I guess there are just some questions that can’t be answered this side of heaven.

I suppose I’ll keep on keepin on. I’ll keep writing letters to heaven and holding my breath for the next time I break the surface again. One of these days I’ll make it to the beach and then I’ll walk happily, the sun shining on my face again. One of these days I’ll breathe in the sweet smell of the sea salt air and the sunkissed flowers and look back at the vast ocean I swam across and be thankful for the journey. One of these days I’ll dance in the sun. One of these days. I’m holding my breathe and kicking like hell until then.