You remember that game we used to play as kids when we would say and do the opposite of what others were saying? We said it was “Opposite Day” and did the opposite just to be annoying (please tell me I wasn’t the only annoying little turd out there)! 😂 I’m realizing that I had it all figured out way back then. THAT’S the secret to success and happiness! Just DO THE OPPOSITE of what you’re feeling!
Feel sad… do something that makes you joyful. Feel lonely… go out and socializeWanna stay in bed all day because you’re sad and lonely… get up and move your body and get out thereWanna be lazy and eat sweets… clean the house and eat fruitDon’t wanna have that talk because it’s scary… just say your opening lines and then sit and listen to the other person and do it in chunks.
I’ve found that when I’m feeling scared or depressed or anxious (or insert negative emotion here) I try not to let myself be led by my feelings. Instead I acknowledge the feeling but CHOOSE to do the opposite of what I’m feeling. Like right now, the loneliness is setting in and it’s hard!!! I want to stay in bed and mope but I’m going to make myself get up, workout, shower, and get out of the house! I know I’m lonely but I won’t be led by loneliness. I won’t stay in bed and sulk. Instead I’m saying to myself, “Yes this sucks. You can cry into your pillow tonight and feel all the feelings later but right now you will GET UP and fight it like the badass that you are!” So I’m doing the opposite in the moment and feeling the feelings when I’ve given myself permission to do so. I am in control of my feelings they do not control me. There’s actually a name for this, it’s called “Acceptance & Commitment Therapy.” You accept what is, don’t try to fake it change it but accept it, and commit to a plan to get through it. *For more info click the link at the end of the blog.
It’s hard. Losing your spouse is hard at any age. Losing a second spouse so soon after the first (I’ve lost 2 husbands in less than 5 years) is definitely rare and SUPER HARD. In some ways it’s easier this time around, in other ways it’s so much harder.
If I’m comparing losses I feel like where I am today in my grief journey (3 mos. out) is where I was a year after losing Mark. That loss hit me harder bc there was no prep for it and there was trauma involved. It took me longer to process and accept and move through because I had never been through it before. There was no roadmap for me, I had to forge my own path.
If I’m comparing losses I feel like where I am today in my grief journey (3 mos. out) is where I was a year after losing Mark. That loss hit me harder bc there was no prep for it and there was trauma involved. It took me longer to process and accept and move through because I had never been through it before. There was no roadmap for me, I had to forge my own path.
This time it’s different. It’s like muscle memory, learning history. I know what to do and how to do it. I had time to pray and prep while Gabe was in ICU so my mind could wrap around it some. I had time with God and him and I feel at peace now because I got to pray him across and be with him in those final days and moments. It doesn’t change the fact that I think of him everyday but it’s just different. Not bad. DIFFERENT. My heart misses him but feels peace because I know where he is and I know we’ll be alright.
Maybe it’s God’s way of lightening the burden on my heart so it won’t just explode and die. Whatever it is, I’ll be honest, it makes it hard to be patient with the process and sit in the feelings all over again. Especially when people say, “You’re young, you’ll find love again!” I have my doubts but I’ll be honest, it’s what I want too. I’ve always been a person who craves connection and companionship. I can’t help it, that’s just how God made me. But he also made me a thinker. I’m like a 50/50 split because I feel all the feelings but I think my way through things and know how to manage them.
I’m really being put to the test because I FEEL confident and further along in my grief journey than my timeline tells people I should be. People think, “Oh wow it’s only been a few months” and judge (positively or negatively) but it’s because it’s outside judgement. They haven’t walked my walk and don’t understand how I could be okay or even thinking about moving forward. That’s what makes this journey harder. My Bub and I have been here before and know how to manage and move through it. The girls have not. It’s new and raw and harder for them. I have to be mindful of the fact that they don’t understand my journey is different than theirs and I have to be empathetic to their feelings and their timeline.
So for me everyday is Opposite Day. I live in the awkward space I call the “in-between” where I feel the feelings but grieve with joy and move forward. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed… I’m getting up to workout right now. Sometimes I want to be selfish and do what makes me happy but I’ll do the opposite for the sake of the kids. And everyday I pray for peace with the process and for God to guide my steps and lead me to lead them because I can’t do this on my own.
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