Something has been weighing heavy on my mind today so, as usual, I turn to writing. I'm very purposeful in the way I live my life. I give a lot of thought to interactions, relationships, choices, decisions. I'm living with purpose and that purpose is to be a lighthouse. I rememeber feeling so peaceful the evening of January 6th. I got home from work and changed into sweats and could smell the beef stew that was in the crockpot. I was so happy to have the TV to myself and to be able to catch up on my shows without Mark stealing the remote. I remember feeling at peace and thinking "I could totally be by myself and be okay." That must have been the Holy Spirit prepping me.
Fast forward to after the accident. I remember sitting on my couch that night, in shock, with my head in my hands just sobbing, the kind of cry that makes your heart literally ache and takes your breath away. But even in those darkest moments I felt the smallest sense of peace, like a mustard seed. I remember feeling a tiny bit of peace, and hearing the Holy Spirit say, "Be a lighthouse." That's it. That's when I made the choice.
At 4:00 a.m. on January 7th, the morning after losing my sweet husband in a horrible car accident, I chose to walk by faith and to be a lighthouse: to be transparent and shine a light for those that come after me on this journey. I chose to share the heartache and pain that comes with grief, but I chose to share the good too. The joy that comes on the other side when grief and God collide.
I made a promise to myself that I would follow where He leads and be the lighthouse that he wants me to be. I promised myself that I would not shut out people or experiences because of grief. I promised myself that I would say yes to life more than I would say no. I promised myself that I would take care of myself: mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally. I promised myself that I would share my journey and my testimony with others because I want people to know that you can overcome the hardest things if you keep your eyes on God and just MOVE. There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed, when I would just cry and pull the covers over my head. But then I would shout to my ceiling, "God move my feet!" and I would put them on the ground and stand up! And then I would do one thing: take a shower. And then the next thing: brush my teeth. Those were small victories during those initial days.
Eventually I was able to do more and more and I relied less on God to get me through each moment of my day. I gradually felt his presence less and less. I know he's still there but he's like the father teaching his child how to ride a bike. At first I felt his hand on my back as he helped me stay upright, then I felt him close as he ran alongside me and hovered his hand over me to prevent me from falling. Now I'm pedaling on my own and he's that father walking not-too-far behind, watching me with a happy heart and a proud spirit, shouting instructions periodically to keep me on our path and keep me from harm.
So now I'm pedaling along and I've found some great people to ride the race with me. They make it more fun! I'm still on course, I'm still living my purpose and doing my best to honor God, honor Mark's memory, and minister to my family, especially my son. Some days I'm pedaling uphill amd I just want to cry and have someone rub my sore legs, but somedays I'm doing loopty-loos and figure eights on my bike. Overall I'm starting to enjoy the ride again!
So if you see me out there enjoying life and living in the moment, it's because I am. And I can. And I deserve it. When you've walked through the valley you deserve to dance on mountaintops. Rejoice! "There is a time to cry and a time to dance" and by golly I've cried A LOT these past 2 years. Some people don't understand. They think that I'm going out too much or trying to fill a void. It's not that. I'm just trying to keep myself balanced. We all know work can be stressful, raising a teenager (who loves you like crazy but still wants little to do with you because he's a 14 year old boy) is stressful, and managing a household, and car problems, and our entire life on my own is stressful. I have to make time for me to stay balanced. So I'm eating right, working out, and spending time with friends doing things that I enjoy. And THAT'S OKAY.
I won't put myself in a box or hide behind a facade to live in line with what others think I should be or behave the way they think I should. I'm not afraid to live my life and let my light shine. You only have one life to live until He calls you home so make it count. I'm making it count. You should too, regardless of what's happened to you. Just keep on moving. Forward motion. Just follow the light. You can get through your storm too. I'll leave the light on for you.
❤ you all. Goodnight.
