Blogging Hiatus

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus from blogging over the last couple years. I blogged a lot after losing Mark but then life started looking up again and I got sidetracked and let blogging fall to the wayside. I’ve been positing on social media (Facebook) because that’s been my platform over the years but I’ve taken a hiatus from blogging. 

The last blog I wrote was in October 2021, three months after losing Gabe. I wrote that I was doing well because I knew how to walk the widow walk and “it was like muscle memory.” Part of that was true. I knew what to do for sure, but the other part that I failed to realize was that I was in shock! I was walking through life as if nothing had happened when I had just lost my second husband, the father of my girls, my answered prayer. 

My grief was definitely delayed after losing Gabe. I felt it in small waves at first and was able to go on about life because I was in shock, denial. At about the year mark it hit me like a tsunami and wrecked my world. I was having trouble balancing work and home stressors. My relationship that I thought was going somewhere was filled with drama because he and I were both filled with trauma. When we met we fit well because I was depressed and suppressing my grief. I was in a space where I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to dance and sing and live and experience life. I just wanted to be a homebody and be loved and escape my life sometimes. His personality is very reserved and guarded, very withdrawn. So we meshed well enough at first. We didn’t push boundaries with each other and we respected each other’s grief and trauma. 

But as I started to heal I started realizing that we didn’t gel so well because we are very different people. Different personality types. I realized about 9 months in that we weren’t a good fit for each other but I have a hard time quitting people. I was hell bent on making it to the other side of the struggle, putting in the hard work to bond together and pull each other through this hard time. We tried to make it work but there was always something, it never came easy, it was always a struggle. The stress of the relationship, the back and forth and emotional toll it took on me, the unpredictability and impulsivity that I was showing to my kids, friends, and family… all of it were signs of PTSD. 

I realized I wasn’t doing him any justice by keeping him in a relationship he wasn’t enough for. He needed to heal too and he couldn’t do that with me in the picture as a distraction. And I wasn’t doing myself justice or allowing myself to fully heal because the nurturer and healer in me kept worrying about him and trying to help him heal. I had to put the oxygen mask on myself and break free. I felt guilty about giving up on him, I grappled with that for a long time, but ultimately I had to make a choice. So I ended it.

Since then I’ve been focusing on my walk with God and taking care of myself. I’m protecting my peace, the little peace that I have right now, and nurturing it to help it grow. I’m re-centering myself in God and what He says about me and life’s situations and I’m trying to choose joy more than I have been this past year. I’ve said it before that “this past year has been the hardest year of my life” and then SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS! I’m going to quit saying that. But this year has definitely been more of a challenge and I’ve lost perspective and lost my joy at times. I’m almost ashamed to admit that because I am such a strong believer and I know my joy comes from the Lord but I have failed miserably this past year. I have fallen short and lost my hope and joy. If you can imagine me walking on a path following after Jesus… I’m still walking on the path but I’m downtrodden. My head is hung and my face is flushed with furrowed brows. I’m dragging my feet and wavering as I walk, leaving the path ever so slightly as I mumble and fumble through the desert that is my life right now. But still I’m walking in the same direction. I’m not lost, I still look up and see Him way up ahead, but I’m discouraged that I’m so far behind and I’m so exhausted and thirsty! My soul is thirsty. My heart is thirsty.

It makes me think about the Israelites who wandered for 40 years in the desert and how they must have felt. Am I being punished for losing perspective? Is this a time of reflection and purification and preparation for the promise land? What’s the bigger picture? Where’s the testimony? Ever since I heard the calling on my life I ask myself questions like these. I’m not perfect by any means, I live out loud on purpose to shed light on modern day discipleship and to encourage others to get on the path and follow after Jesus too. Literally as I write this I’m filled with hope and reminded that God uses suffering for 3 reasons: Correction, Salvation, and Sanctification (perfecting us). I did not deserve to lose my husbands. I do not deserve to struggle so much and have such a rough go-of-it these days. I don’t think it’s for correction purposes because the suffering is not causing me to turn from transgressions (repetitive purposeful sinning). Or maybe it is for correction and I'm being humbled to eventually see it? I don't know. I am saved and share my faith and testimony so I don’t think it’s for salvation. Not mine at least. Maybe for discipleship, the salvation of others? The other reason is sanctification… experiential sanctification. 

I was asked this weekend, "How are you still doing okay? What drives you?" My answer was this: My faith. I am a faith-filled woman and I don't know why bad things have happened in my life. I don't know why I have suffered so much in such a short time. But I do know that he works everything for His purpose, even this. And I know that we are all uniquely made and all have a purpose and maybe this is mine. I told my friend that I have had a unique experience and I know this is my purpose because He told me so when I heard the call 6 years ago. "Be a lighthouse." To me that means shed light, light the path, guide them home. So I do. Even in my struggles and heartaches, even when I fall flat on my face, even when I hang my head as I drag my feet on the path. I'm still walking. Let's walk together.

Hiatus is over. Time to start writing again.

Coincidence...I think not

Just a month ago I wrote a blog post about our struggle with infertility. We had just done one IUI and I was begging God to let this be it. I was asking Him to reveal himself to me, show me a miracle.

Well...I got it. I got lots of them actually. But this is not what I was talking about when I said show yourself to me and do a work in my life. Now that I'm looking back in trying to make sense of it all and it just doesn't make sense but I can see how the pieces fit together now. I can see how God has woven things together leading up to this moment.

I always said I felt like God was preparing me for loss. I couldn't explain it but I had this tugging at my heart for the last 8-10 years or so. I empathize deeply with those who have suffered great loss and I just felt like one day it would be me. I remember 4 years ago, standing in Bub's room folding laundry when he was away at his dad's for the weekend, and I had a conversation with God. That's how our relationship is, I just talk to him whenever, wherever, and then I listen and wait for His response.

So that weekend I was standing in Bub's military themed bedroom, folding laundry and missing him, and I felt a sense of mourning come over me. Not the usual "I miss my baby while he's at his dad's" feeling. In that moment I dropped to my knees and prayed. Bub has always wanted to join the military since he was around 3. I thought he'd grow out of it but he's still all about it and he's almost 13. I don't want to crush his dreams or dictate his life but I don't want to lose him either. He's my only child, the only one I gave birth to. So I prayed that God would protect my baby. I felt confused but I still felt like He was preparing me for loss. I thought it would be Bub, as an adult, from being in the military. Boy was I wrong.

He was working in me alright, but He was preparing me for the loss of my husband, not my son. Have you ever had "Y" moments? Moments when you're faced with a decision and you're sitting at the Y in the road trying to decide which road to go down? I had one of those moments when Mark and I began dating. He worked at Alcoa in Rockdale and we lived in Temple. He would commute to work every day and work 16 hour shifts in 120° heat in the aluminum smelter and then drive home on fumes (exhausted). I was always worried for him. One night he didn't come home. I didn't know if he was wrecked on the side of the road or what. His phone went straight to voice-mail. I stayed up all night worrying and when I was crying in the shower that morning he walked in and asked why I was crying. I was so relieved to see him! He said he pulled a double and then took a nap and his phone died. All I could think was "Thank God you're okay but WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?!"

He drove me crazy and back then and he had more flaws than I knew what to do with but I decided that I was willing to work at things with him. I loved him deeply from the start and he loved me the same. So I chose him and we committed to becoming better together. Now looking back, I feel like that was a "Y" moment. Like God was giving me a glimpse and saying "okay this is what you get if you choose to go down this road but it'll be beautiful and full of love, or you can go down another road and avoid everything, heartache and love included." I chose Mark. I remember choosing Mark. And if I had to do it all over I'd chose him again every time. Because the love was worth the heartache and the lessons are with the growing pains.

Since his passing I've been reflecting on things and I know He has had his hand on us from the beginning. When we started down our path on the left side of the "Y" he guided my steps. I know the bible says the man is to be the spiritual leader of the home but in our home it was always me. He was a little behind me on his journey of faith but I was within eyesight, leading the way. When he got laid off from Alcoa and was losing himself I prayed for help, for guidance, for protection & provision. I prayed to be led in the right direction. Then I got an email from a principal in Fort Worth ISD asking me to interview for a sped teaching position. Crazy thing was, I hadn't even filled out an application! I agreed to fill out an app and do the interview. I interviewed on Wednesday and got the offer on Thursday. Boom. Done. We put the house on the market the following week and had an offer within a week! I'm not exaggerating, it was that fast. We moved to Fort Worth and lived with my parents while we waited for the house to sell. It didn't. The buyer's loan fell through and we couldn't afford to pay that mortgage plus another one in FW so we rented the house out and rented a house for ourselves in FW.

While in FW I was listening to the radio and heard about a little church that was making big news and decided to check it out (https://www.google.com/amp/s/praisephilly.hellobeautiful.com/318621/church-riles-some-with-jesus-does-not-care-campaign/amp/?client=ms-android-att-us). We LOVED the church. We immediately felt accepted, loved, and inspired. Over the years we became more involved in the church. Mark became a member of the men's Iron Man ministry and I was involved with the Women's ministry. We mentored people, greeted, and served the homeless. Mark gave his life to Christ in 2011, thank God for that.

The years passed and the kids were getting older and more involved in extra curriculars and we needed to be around more, not so much back and forth for visitation. So I prayed and prayed and one day Mark said, "why don't we just move back home?" There it was, my sign, my approval. So I put in applications and did interviews and got on with BISD, my top choice.

While we were here I was moved from school to school and met a lot of great people through work. I needed to start my supervision hours towards my BCBA so I opened up the supervisor registry, picked a name, and called to set up an interview. I didn't know Kristi Tindell from Suzy Q at the time. I taught, worked part time for CTBS, did my master's full time, and had my family and home. My life was full and busy but I was able to do it all because Mark was my partner and he helped me through it all.

Last June I was at another "Y." I was faced with the decision to keep teaching or resign and go into private therapy full time while testing to become fully credentialed.  I'd heard the board exam was hard and there was no guarantee I'd pass. Statistically,  people have a better chance of passing the Bar exam than the BCBA exam. I was scared for our family's financial future and I prayed and prayed and just felt led to jump and trust that we would be alright.

I worried. I stressed. Mark REALLY stressed. He kept urging me to go back to the district. They had benefits, predictable pay, etc. I would apply and appease him but I would always tell him we're going to be okay, just trust. That was hard for him as a man. He did our finances. He knew the kind of stress we were in. But we managed. He worked 2, sometimes 3 jobs (S&W, Uber, and driving a trash truck) and I worked 2 (CTBS and BISD homebound education). We were hustling and staying afloat so everything would remain the same for the kids.

The day he passed I had worked until 6. He only worked his day job (4am until lunch) and went straight to his friend's house. He didn't come home and eat lunch or nap. I never saw him that day, only talked to him on the phone a couple times. That night I got a call that he was coming home. Then another that he left his phone so I went out there to go get it.  If I hadn't gotten his phone I wouldn't have gotten the call that he was in trouble (read previous post for details). He hadn't updated his license since we moved so the police wouldn't have been able to find me that night had I not gotten the call and found him. That was God. He knew I'd want to be as close as I could to him as soon as possible.

He led me down the wrong road that night so I wouldn't see it happen or drive up on it before the paramedics got there. That was God because I even had my GPS on and Mapquest Molly recalculated.

He used the paramedic to pray over him in those initial moments after his death. As it turns out she is the daughter of a coworker of mine and she's a believer as well. Because of our connection I was able to reach out to her and get some answers about that night...and get some peace.

He used the police officer that gave me the news...turns out I worked with him back in 2001 when I interned with Temple PD. He remembered me that night and held me tight when I was literally falling apart. He remembered my family and has been so supportive since the accident.

God used the people He led me to work with to hold me up, check on me, provide for me, sustain me, and love me. For years He has been working things together for my good I just couldn't see it at the time. Although this is not good, and it's not what I wanted AT ALL, I can see the good that went into it and the good that's coming from it and it's beautiful. I keep saying that...it's tragically beautiful. God's faithfulness and provision is amazing and always on time.