Let It Be

What a weekend. I stayed so busy with my brother, who I don't see but 2 or 3 times a year, that I didn't have much time to think, or sulk, or wallow in my grief. I had my brother and my parents who were spoiling me, and him, because they were so proud and happy to have us all together. I let myself enjoy the moments, soak in the sun, and feel joy. I let myself escape my life and vacation like a rockstar.

Mark was on my mind every day. I remembered our trips to Chicago and smiled. I missed him and cried in the shower. And I felt like with every step I took, with every new memory I made, I was getting farther away from US and that made me sad but I held it all in. No one likes a killjoy on vacation. I got home late last night, put his urn in bed with me, snuggled up to his pillow, and bawled like a baby, like I could finally let it all out.

Today was his birthday so of course I cried this morning before church, bawled like a baby throughout church, and I'm bawling again now that the day has wound down. I put one foot in front of the other and get through the days, I take it all in and try not to take away from experiences, I try to find and feel joy every day, but the reality of it is sometimes it's harder than others. Evenings and nights are worse than days. Weekends alone are worse than weekends with the kids. Weeks suck because I have to push through work and push my brain to get out of the grief fog that I live in these days. Weekends suck because there's so much unstructured time. I look forward to Fridays because it's the end of the work week, but I hate Fridays because that's when he passed. I'm up and then down and I don't know which way I'm  going most of the time. It's been 5 months and it's getting harder instead of easier.

I miss my life. I miss my happiness that I didn't have to work so hard for. I miss my optimism. You know what I thought about this weekend? Death. Dying. Wills. What if the plane wrecks on landing? That's usually when it happens, you know. What if the uber driver gets in a wreck? Do I want a DNR? DNI? I need to write a will. What if there's a terroristic attack? What if a bird flies into the plane engine and we go down? LET IT BE. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, I'm just not scared. And I miss my husband something serious. And if it means I get to go home to glory and be with him again then that's fine by me so just let it be.

I hate that he's gone. I hate that he left me! I hate that he broke me, broke my heart into a million pieces and broke my spirit. I hate that he took a good portion of my heart with him when he went and what's left behind is worthless. I hate that I feel like a toddler learning how to do life all over again and I'm 35. I hate that I'm 35 and feel like I'm at least...59. Yup, I feel 59.

I hate this. But it is what it is. It's lonely and ugly and up and down and hopeless and exhausting 95% of the time! But it is what it is so let it be. Whatever will be, will be I suppose.

Wait to Move

I keep mulling this over in my head over and over, trying to explain it but I can't, other than to say it's from God. It's too coincidental.

I've gotten things in order since Mark passed. All the loose ends are finally tied up and everything is solely in my name now. It's a relief to have it all done but then again it's sad and lonely. The last decision to be made is whether I stay in my house or move. We were renting but we wanted to buy within the next year or so. I've thought about moving forward with plans to buy so that I'm not wasting money on rent, but then again I think I should stay.

If I buy, it's mine. I can buy something quaint and do updates and upgrades to it and maybe make money on it. But then again, it will be mine, meaning if something happens it's on my shoulders and no one else's, financially. It's nice to have a maintenance man on call and the landlord foots the bill for major repairs. And then I think, what if I buy and then meet someone in the next few years and he has a house too...what would I do with mine? Or what if he doesn't but he has kids and my house is too small? Or what if I buy and don't meet anyone and want to move in 5 years when Issac leaves home? I don't know what to do! So, just like I've always done, when I don't know what to do I turn to God.

I prayed about it last Friday on the way home from work. I prayed out loud and asked God what to do. I told him I was going to wait and listen for him to show me, through signs or through people, and tell me what to do. I said point blank, tell me what to do, sign another year lease or go month to month and try to buy. You've never steered me wrong so I'll wait on you.

Sunday I was serving at church and got to talking with a girlfriend of mine, talking about furniture and jewelry, just making small talk. I complimented her earrings and she said the pastor's wife made them and that she's really crafty, she even refinishes furniture. She told me her name and I kept thinking, 'hmm that sounds really familiar' but I'm new to the church so I don't know too many people yet. And then it hit me. The pastor and his wife lived in my house last year, right before we moved in!

I've told people if I could LIVE at church right now I would. I want to be so close to God I'm rubbing shoulders with him if I can. Since I can't, I want to rub shoulders with those that have more faith than I do. I want to surround myself with the word and other believers to help me through this. All this time I've been living here in the very house they lived in. These walls have heard so many prayers, hosted so many believers, and the holy spirit has been in this place. To me, us coming to live here, following in their footsteps without knowing, walking where they have walked, is another way that God is protecting us. Like we're under his arm, right next to his heart, like a good father would protect his child from torrential rain.

I know they're human and broken and they have baggage and sin too but they've also got serious faith and are obviously called to a higher purpose and that's what I admire. And with that kind of faith I know God has been and continues to be in this place. So I don't have to live at the church, the church lived here and now I do too. If that's not God telling me to stay I don't know what is. He's saying, "Stay and rest a while, I've got you. You can feel me, I'm with you here, we'll figure out the rest later. I've got great plans for you."

So I'm staying for another year. Then I'll see what he wants me to do, where he wants me to go from there. How cool is that!?! Ask and you shall receive, you just gotta learn to wait and listen.