A Date With Myself

I went on a date to the movies tonight... with myself. I never thought I'd go to dinner by myself or go to the movies by myself but I'm doing a lot more these days than I ever thought I could. I used to be so self-conscious about going places alone. I couldn't even go shopping alone when I was in my early 20s but then I grew up and gained confidence over the years. But dinner and a movie, that's different. Those are things you do with other people, typically. Not this girl. I'm transparent and share my story online but in reality I have a few close friends that I actually spend time with. Well tonight my friends had plans so it was just me. So I went to the movies alone.

Being alone gives you a lot of time to think. And I'm always in my head. I'm very self-aware. I think about my future. What will become of me? I have the capacity to love with my whole heart because that's how I am. I give everything at the risk of getting hurt because I feel like it's worth it. I can become invested in somebody that's real and wants ME. All of me. But therein lies the problem.

I'm not sure I'm the dating kind. I'm not the superficial, positive Patty all the time. If you know me you know I'm very positive and optimistic but I'm also REAL. I want the chance to be real with someone and not be judged for it and in the dating world being REAL equates to DRAMA. At least that's what I've gathered. They all want someone who's fun and enjoys traveling and doesn't have the baggage that I have. It's all so superficial!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm generalizing and grouping all men together but that's how it seems. They want thin, athletic, beautiful, fun, happy-go-lucky women. I don't even know if it matters to have a brain or a career. I'm thinking personality trumps brains. I could be wrong. It's just the vibe I get.

Dating is daunting. I don't think I have what it takes. I'm a positive person but sometimes I'm not. I'm fun and I love doing things but I'm not athletic and toned and beautiful. I don't cross fit. I'm smart, kinda nerdy, a little socially awkward, sensitive, analytical, and emotional. Not in the short fuse kind of way but in the wear my heart on my sleeve kind of way. I don't eat organic and I indulge in the sweeter things like donuts and ice cream and chocolate. And I don't feel guilty one bit!

I am ME and once upon a time he loved me and I liked me. Now I feel like I'm too much. Either I'm too much or I'm not enough. I feel like I'm not enough for the confident, athletic, career types because they want freakin Barbie! And I'm not that. At all. I'm just me. And I want somebody who likes ME and wants to get to know me and spend time with me. I want someone who has the ability to love me, not this superficial crap.

I'm not sure the man I'm wanting is out there. Maybe I had that and I lost him. Maybe Mark was IT. Maybe I just need to get more comfortable with being alone. I guess practice makes perfect so I'll just keep practicing being alone. Maybe the sting of it will wear off over time and I'll become jaded and it won't hurt so much.

That's so sad. How do you not become jaded though? After going through what I have, how do you NOT lose heart and lose hope and lose that sense of innocence and romance? I don't know  I don't want it to happen but I feel things starting to turn. I wish life was like a Nicholas Sparks novel and a new, compassionate love will find me right when I think all hope is lost and we fall in love and spend the rest of our lives together. Where's my Noah? But it's not and my story is still unfinished. The end is left unwritten and I just have to wait and see.

Hugs from Heaven

I've been documenting this year. The good, the bad, & the ugly. One day I'll look back at these pictures and posts and feel... strong? Empowered? Favored? I'm not really sure what I'll feel but I never want to forget the journey. I'll never forget the pain, that's for sure. 

Today has been a rough day. I'm not exactly sure why. I felt great yesterday and this morning when I woke up I just felt... different. The lump in my throat was big. The weight on my shoulders, heavy. I showered to wash it off and go to work as normal but I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried to get breakfast, thinking maybe if I had something to eat and some coffee I'd feel better, but it was hard to swallow with the lump in my throat. I reached out to a friend and said, "I just need a hug," and the minute I hit send a coworker walked in and asked if she could give me a hug. What?!? I'm not making this up. She hugged me and said she just felt like I needed a hug. I broke down crying and she just held me and prayed over me. 

How fast was that?! I needed a hug and I got one immediately after making my needs known. And they kept coming all day long. Multiple coworkers hugged me and held me and prayed over me as they could see I was having a hard day. My heart, though sad and broken open today, was so full! I laughed through the tears and in between crying spells. I left work at 2, so thankful to be going home early. Instead of going home I went to church to sit in the prayer room as I often do. 

I've gone to the church prayer room many times. The only way in and out during the week is through the office. The office staff knows me because I frequently come and go. I wave when I'm coming in and they wave back from behind their desks and we usually exchange friendly niceties as I walk through the office to get to the prayer room. Every time it's no different. Until today. Today I walked through to office doors as usual but the office secretary met me in the foyer with open arms. She hugged me and I fell apart again and she just held me together as I fell to pieces again. How did she know? I wasn't crying. I had gotten it together while driving over there. Why did she come in the foyer to welcome me instead of being in her office as usual? How did she anticipate my needs before I walked in the door??

I held on tight and caught my breath and made my way to the prayer room. I sat at the foot of the cross and cried some more, and prayed, and listened to music, and read the Bible until I fell asleep for a few minutes. My alarm woke me and I needed to go pick up Bub from swim practice so I gathered my wits and my strength and headed back out into the world. 

I don't know why things happen. I ask and ask and ask but as faithful as God is, He hasn't given me any answers. But He has been there for me though it all. He's proven yet again that he sees me and hears me and he's listening and meeting my needs. My faith was getting weak. I was getting tired again. Grief and mourning is exhausting. I had started questioning WHY. Why did He take him? Why did my husband get to live a fun and carefree life and get to go Home while I (the thinker, planner, devout one) am left here to run this marathon of a race alone? Why does he get to go home and I don't yet? I had started to get homesick and was saying things like, 'I just want to go Home. I don't want to be here anymore. Why didn't you take me?' 

It's completely vulnerable and a little embarrassing to admit but it's the truth and I've always said I'd be transparent. This is me. This is grief. This is my life right now. There are good days and bad days. The good have started to outnumber the bad but the bad days still knock the wind out of me and leave my heart cut open. But thankfully, today, I had lots of hugs to hold me together. Thank you friends. Thank you God. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Love and hugs to you all. 

It feels so good to serve. I'm giving my heart away, giving my time, giving my money to others in need. I've always had a heart for serving others and would serve at church service on Sunday's but that was the extent of my serving. We occasionally went to help out with the homeless ministry in inner-city Fort Worth but that was it. I was married. My obligation was to my husband and family. I worked a full time job and then had to go home to cook dinner, help with homework, cook and clean and be a wife and mom. I didn't have much time for serving others and we didn't have much money to give.

Since losing Mark I've felt the need to up my contributions. I realize how short and futile life is and I want to help as much as I can while I'm here. Rather than be all about myself and fall into the pity pot I've chosen to get out of my own head and think about other people. How can I help other people? How can I be a blessing? 

Since January I've gotten back to tithing. I've given to the local food pantry, donated to the church missions, bought school supplies for kids in need during back to school, donated to Special Olympics, volunteered with our special needs baseball team, donated to breast cancer fight campaigns, sponsored a class at our private school, served in the tots room at church in the children's ministry, served as a greeter on Sundays,  and now volunteering for hurricane Harvey victims. And it doesn't stop here. It's amazing how you can feel the love of Christ flow through you when you help other people. It brings joy to my heart and fills me up when my cup is empty. 

It's true what they say.. when you feel broken and empty, don't look for what's missing and frantically seek to fill the void. Pour yourself out more and God will fill your cup. Yes you're broken. We all are in some way. Some of us have larger cracks in our jars of clay than others but the truth is, we're all broken. So let's be broken together. Let's come together to lift each other up and serve each other. Let's be broken and blessed and be a blessing to others despite our brokenness. 

Because the irony is that the more you become a blessing to others, the less broken you feel and the more you heal. 

It's true. I'm living proof.  I'm living proof that you can have your feet knocked out from under you, the breath knocked out of you, your world shift and change dramatically overnight, and your heart ripped from your chest and STILL survive and thrive. Losing my husband was the worst thing I've ever been through. It still is. It was the hardest thing I'll ever do and learning to live without him is a journey for sure. But I'm doing it. I'm taking the next step and the next step and walking on with purpose and passion.

I love my husband and I loved being his wife but that's not my ministry anymore. Maybe God has other plans for me right now. Maybe I'm not supposed to move forward with anybody because He has me being his hands and feet down here for a while. Maybe I'm supposed to give myself away and serve others while I'm single and have more free time on my hands. Maybe one day someone else with a servant's heart will come alongside me and run the race with me. Maybe not. Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I trust that I'm in the right place at the right time. Thank you Jesus.