Miracles

I've always believed in God and I know about the miracles Jesus performed. The believer that I am, I believe in miracles. I believe that they happened in the biblical days and I believe that they happen today too. I've seen it. Though today I call them Godwinks...not elaborate burning bush miracles, but things that are too coincidental, like God winking at me saying "yup, that was me."

Last year I had a friend that was losing her daughter to cancer. Everyone was rallying around, praying for her and the family. I had met her daughter once or twice but didn't work directly with her so I didn't know her all that well but I still prayed for her. One night while I was sleeping something jerked me awake around 4 am. I literally felt startled and awoke with a sense of urgency and the name Sarah Kait on my mind. I immediately started praying for peace and comfort for Sarah and the family. Later that morning my friend let us all know that Sarah had passed around 4 that morning. Coincidence? I think not. I truly believe in my core that the Lord was preparing a way for her and using us, her friends and family and those led by the spirit, to ease their troubles a bit and send her off in love. THAT was not a coincidence, that was a miracle. A Godwink.

This year I had another friend lose her child to cancer. My heart ached for her throughout their journey, and still aches as I see the sadness in her eyes for not having her boy around. But then I see the miracles and little signs she has been given that shows her that he's okay, he's happy and in a better place, and it eases her soul a little.

I've seen miracles happen. I believe in miracles. I'm just waiting for one to happen to me. We all have our journeys. Our heartbreaks. Our moments of desperation. Our feelings of defeat and despair. We all have those times when all we need is a line. Throw me a line. Give me a sign that I'm not way off base. Give me a sign that I'm not making things up in my head and that YOU ARE REAL. I'm waiting for my moment like that..my miracle.

Mark and I have tried off and on for 8 years to have a baby. We've been tested and done everything short of expensive fertility meds and IUI/IVF. For us it comes down to money and the struggle with the line...where's the line between us (man, science, etc.) and God? We decided many years ago that we were leaving it in God's hands. We would track ovulation, basal body temperature monitoring, natural family planning, natural medicine and methods to fertility (massages, acupuncture, etc.) and even fertility enhancing meds (that were within our financial means) but stop short of IUI, IVF, etc.

We tried for 3 years, gave up for 1, tried again for 2 more (although we took a more relaxed "give it to God" approach) and then, because I hadn't been on birth control for so long, my endometriosis became so bad that I needed to be back on birth control for hormonal reasons to settle things down. I was on birth control for about 2 years and then in August I had endometriosis surgery to clear things up a bit and I have been off of birth control since October.

I've always been regular, even with endometriosis. I have healthy eggs, good ovaries and fallopian tubes, and my uterus is healthy and ready for a baby. But one never comes. I'm always on time, never late...until now.

I didn't have my cycle in November. I kept waiting and waiting and it never came. Now here we are in December, getting close to that date again and I'm hoping and praying it doesn't come and that this time it's MY turn for a miracle.

I'm probably jumping the gun. It's probably just my body reajusting to being off birth control and I'll have my cycle like clockwork this month, just like before, just like usual, and I will have wasted my time and my tears on praying for something that will never be. That's what I fear. But I believe in a God that's grater than my fears. So as the day gets closer I'm becoming more anxious and I'm finding myself breathing deeply a lot more and trying to find peace in this quiet storm I'm in. I'm trying to patiently wait on Him but it's so hard. It's like the night before going to Disney World, the anticipation is too much. Maybe this is my Disney World. In all these years I've never been late. Maybe this is finally it? Praise God if it is!

If it's not...we try again, and again, and again, and we finish the race with a kick at the end, by giving it all we've got, because the end is near. I'm finished at 35. If I'm not pregnant by 35 I'm having a permanent form of birth control implanted so that I know there's no chance and I won't keep doing this to myself over and over again. I'd rather have a hysterectomy since my"baby making factory" doesn't work anyway but they won't give me one. So Mirena IUD it is. I'll have it implanted and be done once and for all. I'm tired. Although I'm not a wreck daily like I used to be it still takes a hard toll on me, Mark, the family, and I just can't do it anymore. Enough is enough. So this is it God! This is it. Six Months. This is it.