The Good Wife

I was a good wife. I was his best friend. I was his confidant, his wise counsel, his encourager. I prayed for him daily, sometimes multiple times a day depending on what we were going through. I was praying for him the night he passed. I was a good wife.

I lifted him up, led him, tried to protect him. I spoke truth in love to him even though he didn't always want to hear it. I was his helper. I helped him raise his daughter. I helped him relate to his mother. I helped him pursue better opportunities career wise. I was a good wife.

Marriage is a process of sanctification. God uses your spouse to stretch you and mold you and teach you about yourself, each other, and bring you closer to Him. It's the most trying and beautiful experience, aside from purposeful parenting. It's what I always strived to do, to honor God and honor my husband through the ups and downs.

I wasn't perfect. No one is. I failed him a time or two. I hurt him, made him cry, brought him to his knees... we both did. We came to the brink, on the verge of divorce, but we found our strength in the Lord and held onto each other and pushed and pulled our way through it.

When I lost my focus and strayed from my faith he picked me up and brought me back to the Lord. He helped me find myself again. He loved me like Jesus and I will never forget that. I spent my time trying to be a good wife to him.

This is what I was made for... to be a good mother and wife. To minister to my family and lead them to Christ. To train up my son to be a humble, honest, wise man of God who will eventually be a good husband and father. To minister to my husband and lead him to have a deeper relationship with the Lord. To show grace and love and forgiveness to my family.

My biggest mission, more important than my work or other relationships, was this mission. I want God to look at me when my day comes and say, "Good job, good and faithful one." I tried. Everyday I tried. Some days were harder than others but I never lost hope. I never gave up on him. I was a good wife.

Now I'm a widow. I have a lot to offer and I feel like I'm wasting it away now. I still minister to my son and pour myself into my work and kiddos with special needs. I pour myself into other women at church. I pour myself into my church, volunteering as often as I can. But my calling to be a good wife is... gone? I was a good wife! How do you go from being a wife to being alone? I used to belong to someone. He cherished me, valued me, respected me. And it was mutual. He was mine and I was his and now I'm no one's. My heart longs to love and be loved. Not to replace him or because I can't be alone, but because I am a good wife! It's what I was called to do. At least that's how I feel.

I was called to be a good wife and a good mother and to minister to those with special needs. I'm fulfilling my calling in every other aspect except for this one area now and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to wait but I'm forced to.

My prayers over time have changed. During our marriage I prayed for my husband: for his health, his job demands, his character, his decisions, his battles with his demons, his ability to be a good husband & father, his safety, his soul. The night he passed (before I knew for sure) I prayed for him to either be okay or be taken quickly and without suffering. I prayed for God to have mercy on him. I prayed for his soul. I prayed for his journey home. Then I've been praying for myself and the kids: for strength for this new journey, for peace & comfort, for wisdom and guidance with all the decisions, for forgiveness for all the ugliness that grief brings out of people. God has answered my prayers time and time again and has done it in a way that is visible, palpable to me so I can discern His hand in everything.

Now I pray for patience. I'm fine on my own. I'm busy with work, I find joy each day, I have great friends and family to hang out with, I love my job and my kiddos  (clients), I'm a great mom, I pay my own bills and support myself and my son with my head held high. I don't NEED a man in a codependent, I'm lonely and trying to fill the void kind of way. If he's not a good man I'm better off without him and I have no problem waiting... but then again I do. I've never been a patient person, especially in a case like this where I went from being a good wife to being no one's helper overnight.

So I pray for patience and I pray for God to send me a good, Godly man who understands grief and loss. A man who won't be intimidated by my love for my husband but will be inspired by it. A man who will lift me up and be my helper like I will be to him. The way Mark and I were together. I'm not trying to recreate things or replace him. No one can replace him, ever. I just want a helper and to be a helper to a good man. I want to fulfill this ministry again. I'm horrible at waiting. I want to be a good wife again someday. Because I already was. I was a good wife.