Life After Death

There is life after death... for the deceased and those left behind. Mark went on to be with Jesus and I was left behind. In those first days and months I didn't think it would be possible for me to truly live again. He was my world! Y'all know how much I love him and how devastated I was. It was the most horrible thing I've ever been through. But as time has gone on I've found myself getting stronger and stronger.

My love for my husband is not fading, it's like it's frozen in time, but I'm finding myself again. I had lost myself in love and got comfortable, lax. Now I'm losing myself in life. I'm doing the things I used to love to do and exploring new things too. I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus and coming through the storm and today I feel like I'm walking on water! It's amazing how He can bring you through even the worst of things and bring something beautiful from it. The beauty is in the testimony... there is life after death. Embrace it. Choose joy.

Today I did just that. I went on a date! Like a real date. I haven't gone on a date... ever!

I "dated" my ex in high school for 5 years and wanted to marry him but we went our separate ways. And we didn't go on dates, we were too young. We coupled up.

I met Bub' s dad and hung out with him at the pool and his apartment and softball games with him for a month and then got engaged! We were married a year later. We never went on dates we just hung out and coupled up.

I divorced him and went on one date with Mark (an old friend) and never stopped dating him. We were married within 6 months and stayed married for 8 years until he moved to Heaven. We never stopped dating. When we didn't have the kids we spent time on us and went out and had fun together. So we dated but there was comfort in that he was my husband, not a complete stranger.

This was a date with a new guy. A random stranger. A step forward. I've been feeling more and more like myself with each new day. I've been getting stronger. I'm ready. Not for love or marriage by any means, my heart is still very much guarded after losing like I did, but I'm ready to meet people, have intellectual conversations, go and do stuff, and get out there.

I had my time with my hubby before going out and I held back tears as I told him I'd much rather he be here spending 4th of July with us as a family, popping fireworks with the kids and grilling all weekend. But he's not, he's in glorious Heaven and I'm here and it is what it is so I'm going to make the best of it. I told him I love him, always, and asked him to please protect me and prayed that my date wouldn't be a jerk. I gave his urn a kiss and headed out the door with my big girl pants on.

My date was a gentleman and we got along well for being total strangers. I'm so glad that's over but I'm also glad I didn't make a fool of myself... or cry. So we'll see what happens. I'm not pursuing. I'm focusing on my growth, my relationship with God, my kid, my life, and if something happens over time then so be it. And if it doesn't, vaya con Dios! I'm learning to live again. I'm learning that you can always love the one you lost and still move forward. Time stops for no one, make the most of this life because you only get one chance at it.

You can love and lean in, embrace life. Lean into it. Lean forward. Move forward. "If you're going to feel AT ALL you have to feel IT ALL." There is life after death. THANK GOD!