Cardinal Sightings, Finally!

When Mark passed I felt it. I knew before I actually KNEW he was gone. The night of the accident I was on my way to him. Although I didn't exactly know where he was, I knew which way he was traveling so I traveled the same road looking for him. Around 10:20 my heart hurt and I felt this overwhelming wave of nausea for no reason. I had a pain in my heart and the pit of my stomach and I knew something was wrong even though I was 15 miles away. By the time I got to him he was already gone. His time of death...10:22. I honestly believe that our hearts were so intertwined that I literally felt his soul leave mine when he left this earth.

With a love like that I thought he'd never truly leave me but the fact of the matter is, he did. He fell asleep in this world (quite literally) and woke up in the next and I was the last thing on his mind. I didn't feel his presence during my darkest days and that was like a slap in the face. I felt deserted. Abandoned. It was horrible.  The one who never left me was God. We're on a new level now. We've taken our relationship to the next level. He's Poppa God now. I felt Him so close, could see his hand in everything, yet couldn't feel Mark at all. I had to learn to get on without him while not letting his memory die. It's been a journey, and that's an understatement.

I've felt it all and continue to endure it all. I'm running the race with endurance. I finally feel like I'm back to myself and I'm stronger than I've ever been. I feel ready to put myself out there and date, be vulnerable, perhaps fall in love again. Mark knew my heart. We had talks late at night about what would happen if either of us died. We talked about going on, living life, finding love again. He was my best friend. We talked about everything. When my classmate, Officer Bobby Hornsby, died I took it really hard. I grieved so hard for his wife and kids and just held him tight at night and told him how much I would miss him if he ever died on me. That was when we had one of those talks. I'm so glad we did. He loved me and although he gave me hell and said he'd haunt me if I moved on, he would then love on me and tell me he was only kidding and he'd want me to be happy and be loved again. He didn't want me alone, unprotected, miserable.

So here I am. It's been 7 months and I feel like me again. My faith has propelled me through this, one painstaking step at a time but at a pace that I could never have imagined because I never took my eyes off Jesus. He was like the white racing bunny that the race horses chase after, quickly leading the way through it all. Never would I have thought that I'd go back to work 2 weeks after losing my husband. Or that I'd celebrate our first holidays without him in grand fashion, even if there were lots of tears. Or that 7 months after losing him I'd be dating. But I am and I feel at peace with it. I'm not rushing or pushing things down. I'm moving forward and living life. Mark started living his new life the moment he left this earth. It's time for me to do the same.

Last month I cried out to Poppa God to send me a helper. Someone to do this life with me, especially if I'm going to raise my son to be a good man or endure more hardships. I don't want to do it alone. I can if I have to, obviously I've proven that, but I don't want to. I want a partner. A friend. A helper. Another good role model for Bub. So I asked for it. The bible says ask and you shall receive. I asked.

Well I met someone at the end of June. We've gone on a couple dates this month and all is well. He's a good guy and we're getting to know each other. Last Sunday we went for a walk in the evening. In all the time since I lost Mark I have never seen a cardinal (people say cardinals are loved ones come to visit). As we started our walk I saw one. Then two. Then 3, 4, 5, 6, and by then we were deep in conversation and I stopped counting. I feel like he was there, all along my walk with this new guy, showing me that he's still watching over me and he approves. He's giving me the green light.

Who knows what will come of this, only time will tell, but he knows I lost Mark and is understanding so that is already a plus. He seems genuine so I'm not holding back. I'm talking to Mark and Poppa God in prayer and following where I feel led and seeing where this might lead. It could be a dead-end road or he could be the one sent for me. We shall see. I'm not putting too much thought into the future, I'm just enjoying today. Life is short, I know this too well now. If it works out, it works out and that's great. But if it doesn't and I get my heart broken it won't be half as bad as the heartbreak I've already endured so what have I got to lose?

So here we go! Wish me luck and always watch over me, my love. I love you BIG! Not moving on, moving forward & learning to live again. Love to you all! Stay posted.

An Open Prayer Box

My prayer box has been coming open for the last few days. It's never come open before. I bought it in March after Mark passed and intended on filling it with some of his ashes and making a trip to cowboys stadium to sprinkle them on the star. I still need to do that. In the meantime I've been wearing it on my charm bracelet. I've sent up lots of prayers since Mark moved to heaven. I've prayed for strength, endurance, wisdom, discernment, and patience. Most recently I prayed that God would send me a helper, another partner in this life who will be good to me and take care of me like Mark did, especially if I'm going to go through more hard times. I don't want to struggle alone. So that's been my latest prayer.

Since then a man has come into my life and shown interest and wants to get to know me better. I find myself getting excited to hear from him and I miss hearing from him when the day goes by and he hasn't texted. I don't want to pursue or be clingy so I'm letting things be and play out as they will. When I haven't heard from him all day I'll talk to God and say God if he's not the man for me, make it known to me and turn my attention elsewhere. But if he is make it known as well. Then my phone rings and there he is so I'm trusting and moving forward with caution.

Even though I'm being cautious I feel like I could easily fall for him and that scares me. I don't want to fall so fast that I fall flat on my face. I want to fall into arms that will catch me, like the trust game. I don't know his intentions. I get the feeling he is ready for this but how do I know for sure. How do I know he's not a player, philandering around instead of being happy with what he's got? How do I know he's not a liar, a cheater, or a wife beater? Only time will tell. I just pray I don't get hurt. I've been hurt enough already.

My prayer box has been popping open lately. Are my prayers getting answered? Is this God's hand at work again? Or is it just coincidence? Only time will tell. We shall see.

Life After Death

There is life after death... for the deceased and those left behind. Mark went on to be with Jesus and I was left behind. In those first days and months I didn't think it would be possible for me to truly live again. He was my world! Y'all know how much I love him and how devastated I was. It was the most horrible thing I've ever been through. But as time has gone on I've found myself getting stronger and stronger.

My love for my husband is not fading, it's like it's frozen in time, but I'm finding myself again. I had lost myself in love and got comfortable, lax. Now I'm losing myself in life. I'm doing the things I used to love to do and exploring new things too. I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus and coming through the storm and today I feel like I'm walking on water! It's amazing how He can bring you through even the worst of things and bring something beautiful from it. The beauty is in the testimony... there is life after death. Embrace it. Choose joy.

Today I did just that. I went on a date! Like a real date. I haven't gone on a date... ever!

I "dated" my ex in high school for 5 years and wanted to marry him but we went our separate ways. And we didn't go on dates, we were too young. We coupled up.

I met Bub' s dad and hung out with him at the pool and his apartment and softball games with him for a month and then got engaged! We were married a year later. We never went on dates we just hung out and coupled up.

I divorced him and went on one date with Mark (an old friend) and never stopped dating him. We were married within 6 months and stayed married for 8 years until he moved to Heaven. We never stopped dating. When we didn't have the kids we spent time on us and went out and had fun together. So we dated but there was comfort in that he was my husband, not a complete stranger.

This was a date with a new guy. A random stranger. A step forward. I've been feeling more and more like myself with each new day. I've been getting stronger. I'm ready. Not for love or marriage by any means, my heart is still very much guarded after losing like I did, but I'm ready to meet people, have intellectual conversations, go and do stuff, and get out there.

I had my time with my hubby before going out and I held back tears as I told him I'd much rather he be here spending 4th of July with us as a family, popping fireworks with the kids and grilling all weekend. But he's not, he's in glorious Heaven and I'm here and it is what it is so I'm going to make the best of it. I told him I love him, always, and asked him to please protect me and prayed that my date wouldn't be a jerk. I gave his urn a kiss and headed out the door with my big girl pants on.

My date was a gentleman and we got along well for being total strangers. I'm so glad that's over but I'm also glad I didn't make a fool of myself... or cry. So we'll see what happens. I'm not pursuing. I'm focusing on my growth, my relationship with God, my kid, my life, and if something happens over time then so be it. And if it doesn't, vaya con Dios! I'm learning to live again. I'm learning that you can always love the one you lost and still move forward. Time stops for no one, make the most of this life because you only get one chance at it.

You can love and lean in, embrace life. Lean into it. Lean forward. Move forward. "If you're going to feel AT ALL you have to feel IT ALL." There is life after death. THANK GOD!