I’m broken now. I wasn’t before but when my world cracked and shifted like the tectonic plates below the surface of an earthquake something in me shifted too. I miss my husband something fierce and I long for the day when I can go home to heaven and be with him again. I’m secretly jealous of those that pass before me, especially when I know they’ll be reunited with their husband/wife in heaven. How beautiful that must be to run into their arms again and be led to the feet of our Savior together! I can only imagine. I’m homesick.
I’m homesick in the kind of way that a kid is at summer camp. They have fun during the day and enjoy the experience and make memories but they long to be home with their loved ones. They have trouble sleeping at night when everything gets quiet and still and they realize how small they are in the world, how alone they feel. They’re surrounded by other campers, kids their age, but they still feel so alone. That’s when they start to cry and want to call home, if not GO home.
I’m THAT kid at summer camp. I’m to the point in my journey that I’m experiencing life little by little again and I’m smiling and learning how to live again but when all the world is sleeping my mind races and my heart aches to be home in heaven with my hubby. I secretly wish I could just be done with this life already and get to go home too. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way or thinking that way. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, don’t call the suicide prevention hotline on me. I’m not taking steps for it to happen, I’m just fine with it if it does. Not that I have a choice in the matter, but you understand what I’m saying.
Losing someone close to you makes you face your own mortality and answer some hard questions. Are you ready to go today if He calls you home? My answer is Heck Yeah! Something I’m struggling with is taking measures to prolong life if something was to happen to me. If I got cancer or was in an accident... do I want to jump through hoops and go through the ringer or just live out my numbered days and accept God’s plan and go home if that’s the case? Do I sign a DNR? I want to, but then again I have a son, who will eventually grow up to have kids of his own, my grandkids. Do I want to miss that? Do I prolong life or prolong heaven??
I don’t want to prolong going to heaven. I want to go home! I’m so homesick. I wonder if those that go before us can relay messages to our loved ones in heaven, like a phone call from summer camp? Mark’s Grandma just passed. I wonder if he was there to greet her along with his grandpa, her husband, who passed a long time ago. I wonder if she heard me whisper in her ear to give my Marky a hug and a kiss for me and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I wonder if he got the message. Who knows!?! All I know is they’re there and I’m not yet and that makes me a little jealous. God forgive me for being jealous or envious. I’m just broken now, maybe I’m becoming a little jaded, and I want to go home. “I’ve never been more homesick than now.”
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