I'll Leave The Light On For You

Something has been weighing heavy on my mind today so, as usual, I turn to writing. I'm very purposeful in the way I live my life. I give a lot of thought to interactions, relationships, choices, decisions. I'm living with purpose and that purpose is to be a lighthouse. I rememeber feeling so peaceful the evening of January 6th. I got home from work and changed into sweats and could smell the beef stew that was in the crockpot. I was so happy to have the TV to myself and to be able to catch up on my shows without Mark stealing the remote. I remember feeling at peace and thinking "I could totally be by myself and be okay."  That must have been the Holy Spirit prepping me.

Fast forward to after the accident. I remember sitting on my couch that night, in shock, with my head in my hands just sobbing, the kind of cry that makes your heart literally ache and takes your breath away. But even in those darkest moments I felt the smallest sense of peace, like a mustard seed.  I remember feeling a tiny bit of peace, and hearing the Holy Spirit say, "Be a lighthouse."  That's it. That's when I made the choice. 

At 4:00 a.m. on January 7th, the morning after losing my sweet husband in a horrible car accident, I chose to walk by faith and to be a lighthouse: to be transparent and shine a light for those that come after me on this journey.  I chose to share the heartache and pain that comes with grief, but I chose to share the good too. The joy that comes on the other side when grief and God collide.

I made a promise to myself that I would follow where He leads and be the lighthouse that he wants me to be. I promised myself that I would not shut out people or experiences because of grief. I promised myself that I would say yes to life more than I would say no. I promised myself that I would take care of myself: mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.  I promised myself that I would share my journey and my testimony with others because I want people to know that you can overcome the hardest things if you keep your eyes on God and just MOVE.  There were days when I didn't want to get out of bed, when I would just cry and pull the covers over my head. But then I would shout to my ceiling, "God move my feet!" and I would put them on the ground and stand up! And then I would do one thing: take a shower. And then the next thing: brush my teeth. Those were small victories during those initial days.

Eventually I was able to do more and more and I relied less on God to get me through each moment of my day.  I gradually felt his presence less and less. I know he's still there but he's like the father teaching his child how to ride a bike. At first I felt his hand on my back as he helped me stay upright, then I felt him close as he ran alongside me and hovered his hand over me to prevent me from falling. Now I'm pedaling on my own and he's that father walking not-too-far behind, watching me with a happy heart and a proud spirit, shouting instructions periodically to keep me on our path and keep me from harm.

So now I'm pedaling along and I've found some great people to ride the race with me. They make it more fun! I'm still on course, I'm still living my purpose and doing my best to honor God, honor Mark's memory, and minister to my family, especially my son. Some days I'm pedaling uphill amd I just want to cry and have someone rub my sore legs, but somedays I'm doing loopty-loos and figure eights on my bike. Overall I'm starting to enjoy the ride again!

So if you see me out there enjoying life and living in the moment, it's because I am. And I can. And I deserve it. When you've walked through the valley you deserve to dance on mountaintops. Rejoice! "There is a time to cry and a time to dance" and by golly I've cried A LOT these past 2 years. Some people don't understand. They think that I'm going out too much or trying to fill a void. It's not that. I'm just trying to keep myself balanced. We all know work can be stressful, raising a teenager (who loves you like crazy but still wants little to do with you because he's a 14 year old boy) is stressful, and managing a household, and car problems, and our entire life on my own is stressful. I have to make time for me to stay balanced. So I'm eating right, working out, and spending time with friends doing things that I enjoy. And THAT'S OKAY.

I won't put myself in a box or hide behind a facade to live in line with what others think I should be or behave the way they think I should. I'm not afraid to live my life and let my light shine. You only have one life to live until He calls you home so make it count. I'm making it count. You should too, regardless of what's happened to you. Just keep on moving. Forward motion. Just follow the light. You can get through your storm too. I'll leave the light on for you.
❤ you all. Goodnight.

Moving On

I haven't written in a while. I've been busy with work and life and buying a house. Moving on. I think he's moving on too.

If you know my story you know how connected and in love we were before he passed. We were so connected that I felt him even after his passing. No, I'm not crazy. Sometimes two souls are so intertwined that they become a part of each other. That's what happened to us.

Mark and I didn't have the perfect marriage where everything was roses and rainbows all the time. I don't know about him but I was constantly in prayer for him. The night that he passed I was talking to God as I drove to go pick him up. I had gotten the call to go get him because he had too much to drink (he was celebrating for me, I had just passed my boards). I was talking to God, asking him to help me wth this man, tell me what to do. "He's a good man and a good husband but I can't keep doing this. Something needs to change and I can't do that, only You can. If I put him out he'll spiral out of control but if I let him stay things will never change. Help me God. Take this from me. Help me wth this man!"

As I was driving I got the call that his name was all over the scanner. I kept driving around looking for him, certain I'd pull up and see him in handcuffs. I was pissed and then this overwhelming wave of nausea hit me out of nowhere. It was so sudden that i looked at the clock in the car... 10:22 p.m. My prayers turned to questioning as I drove. "God what is going on? Why do I feel this way? Please don't let me throw up, I gotta find him. Why do I feel so sick? It's bad isn't it? Please don't let it be bad."

Then I saw it. The tow truck, the wreckage, all the lights of the first responders. As I drove up my prayers changed again. "Oh dear God please don't let it be that bad. But if it is, make it fast. Please have mercy on him. Take him quickly, please don't let him suffer. Oh dear God help me." It was THAT bad. But He made it fast. Instant. I spoke to him at 10, said I was coming to get him,  and by 10:19 he was gone. That sick  feeling I got at 10:22... I think I felt him leave me. I think I felt his soul come untangled, unraveled from mine. We were connected that way.

During the funeral I felt him. I felt like he was right there. After the funeral when everyone had gone mom and I sat on the couch. The pain was unbearable. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't breathe. My heart literally hurt. I was crying and mom and I were talking about Mark and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, her phone says, Hi there!" We both stopped, looked at each other, looked at his picture and urn on the mantle, and said HI MARK! It was weird. The electric energy around me and my house was crazy in those first few days after he passed. I kept getting shocked, lights kept going out in my house, fuses blowing. It was crazy.

I felt him around sometimes. I smelled him 6 months after and accused Issac of getting in his cologne and putting too much on. He wasnt even wearing cologne (I did a smell-test because I didn't believe him when he told me). It was in the air, right there in the doorway to our bedroom. I smelled him. He came to me in a dream and stroked my hair, held my face, and told me he loves me and he's here. I felt him.

When I started dating I prayed to God to protect me and help me guard my broken but healing heart. I talked to Mark and told him I wouldn't be doing this if he wouldn't have left me but I have to figure things out on my own now. I asked for a sign, for him to show me it's okay, I'm okay. I went out with a guy and counted at least 6 cardinals while we were out hiking. They say cardinals are signs from heaven that your loved one is near. Well they were all along the trail as we walked. It was nuts, too coincidental.

It's been SO hard but also beautiful. It's been a process. At first I felt him SO strong and near but over time the coincidences have dwindled down. It's been about 9 months since I felt him last. I think he's moved on. I don't blame him, I'm trying to move on too. He has bigger and better things to move on to. I don't know what's out there for me. It's scary. And lonely. But I know that even if he isn't with me anymore God is. He's always been there through it all. He's protected me, provided for me through work opportunities and friends and family, and He's been my anchor and my stronghold in the storm. He's where my strength comes from and where my hope lies. During my darkest hour, during my darkest days, my eyes were on Him and I worshipped Him despite my circumstance.

And they still are. I'm human. I get angry. I get lonely and insecure and impatient and fear creeps in and floods my mind but I refocus on Him and He continues to get me through. I have faith that He will provide... a man to hold me and love me, a baby for me to hold and love, and many more beautiful memories with my Bub. He will. I've gotta keep movin on.

Sudden-loss Widows PTSD

When Mark and I first met (reunited) I felt butterflies. I felt like I was floating on air. I felt excited to hear from him and I would get giddy and giggly when I would talk to him. I looked forward to seeing him and would worry about him when I knew he was having a bad day or in a bad situation. I cared for him. I cared for him and wanted him around until one day I just asked him not to ever leave again about a month after we started dating. So he moved in and within 6 months we were married... for almost 9 years.

After he passed I didn't think I'd be able to love again. I loved him so deeply and so fully that I wasn't sure my heart would ever be repaired enough to let someone else in. I didn't think I could but I pushed myself to get out there and just see what happens because I didn't want to live the rest of my life on the sidelines.

I've gone on dates but nothing significant, no relationships. Until now. I think this may actually be something. I don't want to put the cart before the horse but I feel myself starting to fall. I feel myself getting caught up, wanting more. I want to spend more time with him, I miss hearing from him when he doesn't call, I think about him and wish him well when we're apart. I feel my heart opening up and it's bittersweet because as much as I want it and want him, it makes me feel that much more frustrated and alone when we're apart.

I think I have sudden-loss widows PTSD. Is there such a thing? Certain things trigger me ever since I suddenly lost my husband. For instance, my guy called me last weekend after going out and I knew he had been drinking. I worried all night, couldn't sleep. When I didn't hear from him the next morning it brought all those feelings associated wth the accident back and then I was crying out of worry for him and crying out of grief for Mark and I was a mess. Of course I kept it all in and played it cool but it really affected me. And there are times I don't hear from him. We're both busy with careers and demands that take a lot of our time. I know that and I understand the constraints that his job puts on him and all that it takes out of him. I know that but my feelings still get all out of sorts when I don't hear from him for a while because it leaves me feeling alone, deserted, abandoned all over again. Ugh I hate feeling this way. I'm a strong woman!

I know it's completely irrational and out of proportion/perspective, but I can't help it. And I don't know what to do about it, how to process it. Do I talk to him about it? Would that make me seem clingy or insecure and push him away? Or would my vulnerability bring us closer? I want to move forward and I think this guy is worth the work it takes to get there but I just don't know because I don't know how invested he is. I knew moving on would be hard but I didn't realize how many challenges I'd have to overcome every step of the way. Ugh this sucks. I hate not knowing what to do, not knowing how to proceed. I hate the vulnerability and risk that comes with giving yourself away to another person who has the capability of hurting you.

It's terrifying but I keep telling myself the payoff is worth it. The risk of being hurt is worth the reward if that means we can make it work together. So I'm anchoring myself in the Lord and trying not to let my fears be bigger than my faith. I have faith that God has big plans for me and this is all part of His plan. I have faith that He will make good on his promises. I have faith that my heart will be okay. I have faith in my guy and trust that he's not out to hurt me considering he knows my story. I just have to trust the process. I have faith and I will take each step forward in faith, PTSD or not. I can do this. I am strong. I am wise. I am beautiful inside and out. I can do this.

No Stranger to the Rain

It's been a year since Mark passed. I planned a celebration of life party and we celebrated his life, my life, & the fact that I made it through the toughest year of my life. We sang and drank and laughed and shared memories. It was beautiful. I thought things were turning around. That was January 6th, with the one year anniversary of his funeral on January 12th.

Then came January 13th... I lost another very special person. My cousin Alex, my first best friend, my partner in crime, my brother from another mother. He was 36. I'm 35. This isn't supposed to happen. We're not supposed to die young. We're supposed to outlive our parents. We often laughed and talked about how we'd be when our parents passed and we were the old ones in Mason with our kids and grandkids coming to visit us. He never got the chance. He passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in his sleep instead.

It hurts. It doesn't feel right to have all the family around and not hear him cuttin up and making fun of stuff under his breath. LOL. He was hilarious. He was always happy, always being silly. It feels like he should be here. It's hard now but I'm okay. Unfortunately I'm no stranger to pain. I'm no stranger to the rain. I'm standing firm to be there for my family in a subtle strength sort of way. They've seen me grieve the unexpected loss of my husband. I hope my walk has left footprints in the sand for them to follow, they're still fresh anyway.

It's a long hard walk, and it's going to get harder before it gets easier, but it will get easier. I just wish it wasn't this way. I wish I didn't know this feeling all too well. I wish they didn't have to know this hurt too. But I remember that the Lord says, "In this world you will have trouble but fear not, for I have overcome the world" (John 16:33) so we have to cling tight to that promise that He will overcome and He'll help us overcome adversity. We must keep our eyes on Jesus and take one step after another to walk out of this alive, not just alive but ALIVE... thriving.

He is the source of comfort, the Prince of Peace, the healer of hurting hearts, all we have to do is lean into Him. It's not easy to do. It's a choice everyday, sometimes every minute. It's easier to stay in bed. It's easier to not go to work. It's easier to numb the pain. But healing isn't found in your dreams, or in food, or at the bottom of a bottle. Healing comes from the Healer.

Like a baby learning to walk, look up, take Him by the hand, and let him pull you up and teach you how to walk. You'll toddle around, you'll stumble and fall. You'll resort to crawling when you're too exhausted to pull yourself up and try again. You'll throw tantrums and cry, begging to be carried. That's okay! If you lean into him and rely on him He will carry you from time to time. But just like we want our kids to become independent, so does He. He wants you to rely on him but He wants you to do the work and fight the good fight and live out your purpose. You still have a purpose here.

Just like a toddler learns to walk, you'll walk again, and then you'll skip and dance again eventually. It takes time, faith, and focus. Just lean in. Lean into your feelings. It's okay to feel. It's okay to hurt. This hurts! You have to feel to heal. Lean in and lean on Christ. Lean on others who are willing to walk this journey with you. Don't shut down and shut people out. You can do this! Fear not! Christ has overcome and you can too.
❤Cassi

We'll See

I met a guy. I've met lots of guys but none worth my time. But this guy is different. I think. We'll see...

We met a few weeks ago online and have talked and texted and FaceTimed but hadn't met in person. He came on strong and it made me wary because we hadn't met in person and I questioned his intentions.

Since then we've met in person and gone out a few times and we definitely click. He's introduced me to a couple friends and he invited me to his birthday thing next weekend in Austin with his friends. I'm having a get together tomorrow and he's supposed to come. We'll see. He says he's all in. He says he knows I've been through hell and back and he's not here to hurt me. We'll see.

So far I like what I see. He calls me every morning and night and we text throughout the day. He's not afraid to talk about things: issues in past relationships, what he wants in the future, issues with the kids. I'm starting to think he's for real and not just playing games but we'll see.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep thinking I'm an easy target bc I'm a young widow, like I'm a conquest to be had. I hope and pray that's not the case and that he sticks around. He says he's not going anywhere. We'll see.

My best friend said it's really rare to find love right off the bat and you might have to kiss a few frogs before finding it again but don't let that keep you from trying. Maybe he's not my forever, maybe he's my for now of for however long this season is. I'm trying to go with it and not drag my feet out of fear. It's hard bc it's so scary. I'm afraid to give my heart away and have it broken again. But I guess if I could survive the heartbreak of losing my sweet husband I can survive a breakup. We'll see.

My wise 13 year old said, "Don't break his trust by going on dates with anyone else because he seems like a good guy but guard your heart a little bit until you know for sure." Smart kid. I did that (proud momma moment). So that's what I'm doing. Here we go. We'll see how it goes.

Around the Corner

Some days I feel like it was only yesterday that I lost my sweet husband. Sometimes it's as fresh as if it just happened and it's all I can do to breathe and make it from moment to moment.

Then there are times it feels like it was so long ago and I can't remember day to day life with him still here. My life makes sense again so sometimes it feels like it was just a dream.

It was a dream. I had a dream of a love that most people long for, a dream that some are never lucky enough to find. I had that. And now my dream has gone back up to the clouds where dreams live.

If I think about it I can remember the curve of his beautiful lips, the smoothness of his fingernails, the dimple on his one cheek when he smiled. I can remember the way we played footsies in bed and the way he stroked my hair and neck each morning. I can remember the way he looked at me when I was getting ready, like I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever laid eyes on. I can remember his big laugh and the way his eyes squinted and he'd lose his breath when he laughed big.

I remember the way he studied me. I would catch him just watching me or snapping pictures of me like a weirdo. It was like he was taking it all in, every single moment. After he passed I found all the pictures and videos on his phone and tablet. I wished I had done the same because as time goes on the memories fade.

It's bittersweet and proof of God's grace that I'm back to normal again. It's terrifying to open myself up to the possibility of heartbreak again but if I don't I won't open myself up to the possibility of love and that's not something I'm willing to pass on. So I'm taking steps in faith, trusting that God is good.

I heard somewhere that fear is faith in the wrong thing. I don't want to have that kind of pessimistic faith. I want to have faith that my gift of discernment will lead me to let in the right people and that those that I let in have good intentions and will be good to be.

Someone recently told me I need to trust and jump in. When you dip your your toe in the pool it feels cold but once you jump in you realize it's actually warm. That's funny because that's actually something Mark told me when we started dating... "Maybe it's not too good to be true. Maybe the other shoe isn't going to drop. Maybe you need to let go and trust."

So I'm letting go. I'm trusting. Mark's D-Day is right around the corner but so is life and I'm jumping in.

We are celebrating life on his 1 year heavenly anniversary. We are celebrating his life and all he meant to us. We are celebrating the fact that he's home. We are celebrating the fact that Issac & I made it through it and are living abundantly. We are celebrating the life the lies right around the corner.