Sudden-loss Widows PTSD

When Mark and I first met (reunited) I felt butterflies. I felt like I was floating on air. I felt excited to hear from him and I would get giddy and giggly when I would talk to him. I looked forward to seeing him and would worry about him when I knew he was having a bad day or in a bad situation. I cared for him. I cared for him and wanted him around until one day I just asked him not to ever leave again about a month after we started dating. So he moved in and within 6 months we were married... for almost 9 years.

After he passed I didn't think I'd be able to love again. I loved him so deeply and so fully that I wasn't sure my heart would ever be repaired enough to let someone else in. I didn't think I could but I pushed myself to get out there and just see what happens because I didn't want to live the rest of my life on the sidelines.

I've gone on dates but nothing significant, no relationships. Until now. I think this may actually be something. I don't want to put the cart before the horse but I feel myself starting to fall. I feel myself getting caught up, wanting more. I want to spend more time with him, I miss hearing from him when he doesn't call, I think about him and wish him well when we're apart. I feel my heart opening up and it's bittersweet because as much as I want it and want him, it makes me feel that much more frustrated and alone when we're apart.

I think I have sudden-loss widows PTSD. Is there such a thing? Certain things trigger me ever since I suddenly lost my husband. For instance, my guy called me last weekend after going out and I knew he had been drinking. I worried all night, couldn't sleep. When I didn't hear from him the next morning it brought all those feelings associated wth the accident back and then I was crying out of worry for him and crying out of grief for Mark and I was a mess. Of course I kept it all in and played it cool but it really affected me. And there are times I don't hear from him. We're both busy with careers and demands that take a lot of our time. I know that and I understand the constraints that his job puts on him and all that it takes out of him. I know that but my feelings still get all out of sorts when I don't hear from him for a while because it leaves me feeling alone, deserted, abandoned all over again. Ugh I hate feeling this way. I'm a strong woman!

I know it's completely irrational and out of proportion/perspective, but I can't help it. And I don't know what to do about it, how to process it. Do I talk to him about it? Would that make me seem clingy or insecure and push him away? Or would my vulnerability bring us closer? I want to move forward and I think this guy is worth the work it takes to get there but I just don't know because I don't know how invested he is. I knew moving on would be hard but I didn't realize how many challenges I'd have to overcome every step of the way. Ugh this sucks. I hate not knowing what to do, not knowing how to proceed. I hate the vulnerability and risk that comes with giving yourself away to another person who has the capability of hurting you.

It's terrifying but I keep telling myself the payoff is worth it. The risk of being hurt is worth the reward if that means we can make it work together. So I'm anchoring myself in the Lord and trying not to let my fears be bigger than my faith. I have faith that God has big plans for me and this is all part of His plan. I have faith that He will make good on his promises. I have faith that my heart will be okay. I have faith in my guy and trust that he's not out to hurt me considering he knows my story. I just have to trust the process. I have faith and I will take each step forward in faith, PTSD or not. I can do this. I am strong. I am wise. I am beautiful inside and out. I can do this.