Opposite Day

You remember that game we used to play as kids when we would say and do the opposite of what others were saying? We said it was “Opposite Day” and did the opposite just to be annoying (please tell me I wasn’t the only annoying little turd out there)! 😂 I’m realizing that I had it all figured out way back then. THAT’S the secret to success and happiness! Just DO THE OPPOSITE of what you’re feeling!

Feel sad… do something that makes you joyful. Feel lonely… go out and socializeWanna stay in bed all day because you’re sad and lonely… get up and move your body and get out thereWanna be lazy and eat sweets… clean the house and eat fruitDon’t wanna have that talk because it’s scary… just say your opening lines and then sit and listen to the other person and do it in chunks.

I’ve found that when I’m feeling scared or depressed or anxious (or insert negative emotion here) I try not to let myself be led by my feelings. Instead I acknowledge the feeling but CHOOSE to do the opposite of what I’m feeling. Like right now, the loneliness is setting in and it’s hard!!! I want to stay in bed and mope but I’m going to make myself get up, workout, shower, and get out of the house! I know I’m lonely but I won’t be led by loneliness. I won’t stay in bed and sulk. Instead I’m saying to myself, “Yes this sucks. You can cry into your pillow tonight and feel all the feelings later but right now you will GET UP and fight it like the badass that you are!” So I’m doing the opposite in the moment and feeling the feelings when I’ve given myself permission to do so. I am in control of my feelings they do not control me. There’s actually a name for this, it’s called “Acceptance & Commitment Therapy.” You accept what is, don’t try to fake it change it but accept it, and commit to a plan to get through it. *For more info click the link at the end of the blog.

It’s hard. Losing your spouse is hard at any age. Losing a second spouse so soon after the first (I’ve lost 2 husbands in less than 5 years) is definitely rare and SUPER HARD. In some ways it’s easier this time around, in other ways it’s so much harder. 
If I’m comparing losses I feel like where I am today in my grief journey (3 mos. out) is where I was a year after losing Mark. That loss hit me harder bc there was no prep for it and there was trauma involved. It took me longer to process and accept and move through because I had never been through it before. There was no roadmap for me, I had to forge my own path. 

This time it’s different. It’s like muscle memory, learning history. I know what to do and how to do it. I had time to pray and prep while Gabe was in ICU so my mind could wrap around it some. I had time with God and him and I feel at peace now because I got to pray him across and be with him in those final days and moments. It doesn’t change the fact that I think of him everyday but it’s just different. Not bad. DIFFERENT. My heart misses him but feels peace because I know where he is and I know we’ll be alright. 

Maybe it’s God’s way of lightening the burden on my heart so it won’t just explode and die. Whatever it is, I’ll be honest, it makes it hard to be patient with the process and sit in the feelings all over again. Especially when people say, “You’re young, you’ll find love again!” I have my doubts but I’ll be honest, it’s what I want too. I’ve always been a person who craves connection and companionship. I can’t help it, that’s just how God made me. But he also made me a thinker. I’m like a 50/50 split because I feel all the feelings but I think my way through things and know how to manage them. 

I’m really being put to the test because I FEEL confident and further along in my grief journey than my timeline tells people I should be. People think, “Oh wow it’s only been a few months” and judge (positively or negatively) but it’s because it’s outside judgement. They haven’t walked my walk and don’t understand how I could be okay or even thinking about moving forward. That’s what makes this journey harder. My Bub and I have been here before and know how to manage and move through it. The girls have not. It’s new and raw and harder for them. I have to be mindful of the fact that they don’t understand my journey is different than theirs and I have to be empathetic to their feelings and their timeline. 

So for me everyday is Opposite Day. I live in the awkward space I call the “in-between” where I feel the feelings but grieve with joy and move forward. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed… I’m getting up to workout right now. Sometimes I want to be selfish and do what makes me happy but I’ll do the opposite for the sake of the kids. And everyday I pray for peace with the process and for God to guide my steps and lead me to lead them because I can’t do this on my own.

https://positivepsychology.com/act-acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/

Life Goes On

Today was a long day. Work was busy and I had a presentation this evening so I knew I would be going nonstop until 8. By the time I left work at 4 I was emotionally exhausted from pushing through all day. I’ve learned how to compartmentalize so I can manage my life (side effect of Mark’s loss) so I seem fine on the surface but it’s all underneath. When I push too hard or go for too long it bubbles over. That’s what happened today. Work was good but I had a lot going on in my head and a lot on my to-do list and it was too much for one day. I cried all the way home thinking about dinner and chores and just wanting my husband back.

I got home an emotional wreck just trying to breathe and Abbie had thrown the trash, picked up the groceries and put them away, and she started making dinner. I poured a glass of red wine and we talked and hung out in the kitchen while she cooked and I helped. She has really stepped up and her daddy would be SO proud of her. And it was good!! She cooks better than me 😆 I’m so thankful for her. That was a huge weight off my shoulders today. 

We discussed Alyssa‘a birthday plans. We were supposed to have a quince last weekend but it didn’t happen. Hopefully next year we can have a sweet 16 for her. Either that or a car I guess at that point if she wants it. I miss my girl and can’t wait for her birthday party on Sunday. His family is throwing her a birthday party and it’ll be nice to all have fun as a family again. 

Issac is coming home from his dad’s tomorrow and he starts his senior year on Wednesday. It’s his LAST first day of school. This is definitely going to be a memorable but hard year. I’m so sad Gabe isn’t here to walk through this journey with me. He’s my rock. I’m going to be an emotional wreck. I already am 🤦🏻‍♀️ He was so proud of all 3 of our kids. I am so proud of all 3 of our kids. They have been such troopers through all the heartache and craziness. I can’t imagine my life without them. God really knew what he was doing when he blended our two families together. 

It’s going to be a busy week. Life goes on and right now it feels like it’s going at warp speed. I’m doing my best to keep up. Thank God for these kids of ours! Time for goodnight prayers. Goodnight world. 

What’s Heaven Like?

When someone you love dies you think about all kinds of philosophical things like heaven and hell and life after death. I have my own theory about what happens for believers after death. I know the Bible tells us that for believers they close their eyes in this life and wake up in the next. It’s instant. However I don’t think they are instantly with Jesus. 

I feel like we are all on a path to Jesus. Some of us are more towards the front of the line, those that are holier than thou (think Mother Teresa, upright and righteous pastors and priests, etc.). Then there are those of us who are making our way to Jesus and we’re on the path but we’re not at the level of spiritual leaders. And some are just beginning our journey of faith. Some have just started the walk and rely on those of us who are a little further ahead to reach back and extend our hands to help them along the way or offer encouraging words. And then there are those who have gotten off the path completely and either got lost and discouraged or refuse to believe in God. Everyone is at a different place in line but all heading towards the same direction and those that are off the path may not make it there at all. We know that part is true based on what the Bible says.  14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.(Matthew 7:13-14)

My theory is that it’s the same on the other side of the veil. When someone dies they’re just on the other side starting their journey to Jesus. The Bible tells us we are greeted by familiar faces when we die so I imagine those that have preceded us in death recently are there waiting to greet us. They’re closer to where we are on the journey. Those that have passed a long time ago are further along the path and may not be there to greet us. I think when we pass we don’t have direct, immediate access to Jesus or Mary or the disciples because they are the holiest of holy and we are baby angels just making our way. I think we can hear his voice and know his presence and communicate and commune with other angels to constantly worship him but we’re not at his feet or his right hand yet. 

It makes sense then that when someone you love and are close to passes you pick up on signs from them. Sure it could be coincidence but I don’t think so. I think they’re “Godwinks” or winks from loved ones in Heaven, just on the other side of the sheer curtain. I think as they make their way closer to Jesus they slowly fade from our realm and the signs and winks eventually stop which helps us in the letting go process too. 

I may be really wrong. There’s no way to know what Heaven is like without actually going. I can’t wait for my day to come. I will be running to Jesus so don’t be offended if I don’t stick around to give you a sign. Actually I think that may be the case for my Gabe. I feel like he gave me a sign last night but I’m not sure how many more I’ll get because if I know Gabe I know he’s on the other side and he is not holding back, he is running to Jesus. I’d do the same thing. 

So again, I may be wrong, but I may be right! Those of you who are more knowledgeable of the Bible give me some feedback. These are just random thoughts since I don’t sleep much these days and my other half lives in Heaven now. I can only imagine what it’s like. 

He did it again

Gosh I hadn’t blogged in a long time. There’s tons to catch up on so I figure I’ll start at the beginning and fill in the timeline as we go on this journey together. If you’re new let me catch you up to speed. 

I started this blog, “Shaken, not Stirred,” a few years ago after I lost my husband Mark. I was 34, he was 36, and it was very sudden and tragic and in my deepest, darkest grief I heard a quiet voice say, “Be a lighthouse.” So I did. I shared my testimonies, trials, and triumphs through social media. If you want to read more of his backstory and that experience you can read through old blogs. 

I got to the point in my widowhood journey that I had quit TRYING to find someone to bring me peace and joy and I found it in God, in friends, in nature. And then it happened. One night while I was out dancing with my girlfriends a sweet and charming man walked straight towards me and introduced himself. He seemed familiar but I couldn’t place him so I was polite and made small talk and then spent the next 10 minutes talking to my friend Natalie trying to figure out how I knew him. I remembered that we had 1 class together back in high school, my sophomore year/his senior year. Wow! How did he remember me? I went to sit with my friends and a couple songs later there he was. He walked right up to me, put out his hand, and asked me to dance. We danced and talked while we danced and by the time I knew it 3 songs had gone by and I was inviting him to church the next morning. Right there on the dance floor! I would go back to sit with my friends and he would come back, hold out his hand without saying a word, and I’d get up and go dance with him again. It felt so natural, like he was my new home. By the end of the night we danced to “Sangria” by Blake Shelton and had our first kiss right there on the dance floor. He walked me to my car and gave me a kiss goodnight and I felt butterflies! I got home and he called me to make sure I made it home and we talked on the phone until after 4am. 

I woke up the next morning and got ready for church and seriously doubted he would show up. We had been up all night and honestly, most men I had been on dates with were either flaky, deceitful, or would just give breadcrumbs and lead me on without actually being fully interested or invested. I told myself ‘if he comes, great, but if not it’s no biggie.’ Well I pulled into the parking lot and he texted me asking where he could find me in church. OMG he came! I walk in and stood in the gathering area and in he walks with his church shoes on and his tattered Bible in hand and my heart jumped for joy because THIS was the man I had been praying for. He was respectful and kind, he was a man of God, and he was honest and committed even from the beginning. He didn’t play games with my heart, he said what he meant and meant what he said. He was a man of integrity I already knew it. We went to church and then had lunch together and our relationship took off at warp speed. 

Gabe and I met on March 22, 2019. By June we took our first out of state vacation together, and by August we were engaged. We planned a big, beautiful wedding together, I did all the decorating DIY, and he baked our wedding cake! We got married on January 25, 2020. We were married 1.5 years and made so many memories together. We blended our families together and our teenagers really hit it off, his girls and my boy are all within 1-2 years of each other. We were busy and blessed and so happy! We cherished every single second. 

And then he died. 

I’m still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that God gave me everything I had been praying for and then in such a short time he was taken back home to heaven, leaving me and the kids here to mourn and figure out life without him. I don’t understand. Gabe was SUCH a good man, the most selfless man I’ll ever know. He was a big man with a big personality and an even bigger heart. He was never sick. He never stopped moving and doing stuff for others. But one day he ran across someone with Covid and he got it and it hit him hard and fast. 

He got sick over the 4th of July weekend and by July 7th he was in the ER and he was intubated on July 8th. That was the last time we spoke. His last words to me were “I love you so much. Take care of my girls” and I told him I loved him so SO much and not to worry about us, I would take care of them and we would be okay he just needs to rest and get better. He was on the ventilator for 18 days with no improvement to his lungs. We prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle, for God to heal him even just a little bit, just enough for the doctors to be able to do their work and help him get better! We prayed day and night, in private and in public prayer vigils. The whole town was praying with us. We had people praying from all over the US and even some friends in Germany were praying with us. God HAD to hear us! Gabe was a faithful man. A righteous man of God. I have strong faith. He HAD to hear us, right? 

I spent the last night with him in the ICU and was in worship and prayer all night long. I prayed without ceasing. I read scripture to him, I prayed over him, and I told anybody who came to work with him that I wanted them to pray while they worked on him. Any hands that touched him had to be channeling God to him that night. 

My prayer focus shifted that night. I knew we were at the end of our road and as much as I wanted God to spare him I knew that He may not. I’ve been down this road before and I know that sometimes our plans don’t line up with God’s plans for whatever reason. I don’t know the reason nor do I understand nor do I like it but I had to accept it regardless of how it turned out for us. My prayer focus shifted to, “Please God heal him in this life or the next, please God give us peace, please God be with my husband.” I continued to pray for miracle healing up until he took his last breath but I also prayed for God’s will to be done and for grace for us who are left behind missing him. 

My husband Gabe passed away on Sunday July 25, 2021 surrounded by family. I don’t know how I’m going to do this again but I know I have to. I know I have to be okay for his girls. I promised him. And I have to be okay for my son who’s already lost one stepdad and is now having to lose another whom he loved SO MUCH and was so grateful to have in our lives. I can’t believe lightning has struck twice and that I’m widowed again and I’m not even 40 yet. It’s almost unheard of, I’ve lost two husbands in less than 5 years. I can’t help but question God and ask why He would bring this beautiful man into my life only to take him away. God he was such a blessing! I’ll never understand, maybe it’s not for me to understand. Maybe I just have to trust and keep walking forward. So I’m walking forward, it feels like I’m walking through mud but I’m walking. I’m praying for peace and purpose. There’s GOTTA be a purpose for the pain! I just don’t understand. I keep reminding myself that God is good and He works all things together for our good. Even this. Even now. God remind me.