On the other side

I haven't written in a while. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it means I'm getting through this. It definitely doesn't mean I'm forgetting him or moving on although it is hard to remember every detail about him and that makes me sad. It's almost as if it wasn't really real, like it was just a dream being with him and being loved that much. I remember the big things but I can't remember everything like I want to. I guess that's the way it goes.

I made it through Valentine's day. I sent up a balloon with love notes to Heaven on it. Issac and I released it at the church and the youth pastor took pictures for us. That was a good day. I didn't have him here on earth with me but I felt his love. And it made me happy to see people showing their love the way Mark did on a regular basis.

The day after Valentine's was my crash day. I couldn't hold it together. It's like my systems were overwhelmed. But I pushed through it and made it through. Since then I've been doing better. I've gotten the kids on our weekend, even JJ, and it's been good to be with them. JJ is good for me because she reminds me of her daddy and I'm good for her because I help her process her pain and move through it. She's having a hard time getting through it and becomes paralyzed by sadness at points but I'm trying to teach her to keep God at her center, talk to him in those moments and say a short prayer to him, and literally move through the pain to the next moment, and then the next, and then the next. We walked through some things this weekend and it was great therapy and practice. And of course Bub made us laugh and enjoy life like he does.

Today is week 2 of Grief Share. My friend and I have invited other moms/widows that would benefit and like to go. It'll be fun to connect and share and hug the hurt away for a moment. I'm glad they're coming. I really feel like it'll help me, and them. I really wish JJ could do something like that but for teens because our meetings are geared towards adults and she would be out of place. I'm thinking about doing the workbook questions with her like I did this past weekend. It'll help her process her grief. Maybe I can find something for her.

That's the thing about grief...you can't deny it or stuff it down because it'll explode like a shaken up soda when there's too much pressure. You have to process it and move through it to the other side of each moment. If you sit in it for too long it will consume you and you'll fall into the pit of despair, unable to dig your way out again. I'm paraphrasing but I read this in my Jesus Calling devotional last week, "Be careful not to fall into the pit of self-pity. Don't even go near the edge because the edges crumble beneath your feet. When you feel yourself getting close to the edge because of circumstances in your life seek Me (God) and find peace in me." Being sad or troubled is normal. Life sucks sometimes. But the good thing is that God meets us where we are, right in the middle of it. BUT, he loves us too much to leave us there. If you're struggling with something, grief or otherwise, let him hold your hand and walk you (or pull you) through. Don't just stay there, there's so much more on the other side. Love you!

My Prayer

Lord help me through this journey. Help me to relax and trust in you to be my provider and protector, you will be my comforter and my strength. Even when I have cancellations and finances stress me out, or when home repairs or technology stress me out and my man isn't here to help.

Remind me to just trust and you'll take care of me and send people my way to lend a hand. You'll be the father to my son in our home, and he'll learn from your example and the example I set for him as you guide my steps.

Help me fill the quietness in my home with meaningful productivity, not just noise. But also help me not to fear the quiet but to embrace it and seek you in the stillness. It's hard to do and it's excruciating but I'll get there.

I pray for your continued blessings and thank you for never leaving me, especially now. I love you. Amen.

Blockades in the way of happiness

This week's list challenge is to list the things (from your past and present) that feel like blockades in the way of happiness.

1. People that spread lies and rumors about me
2. People that do not support me and my family
3. People that are fake - nice to my face but their actions contradict their words
4. People that are unkind
5. Stress
6. Financial stress
7. Not being heard
8. Not being valued
9. Not being trusted
10. My kids being mistreated

My Anyway Love

I had originally written this poem for my husband when we were newlyweds. I called him my anyway friend because he loved me anyway, no matter what.

My Anyway Friend

You see me through the hurt and the pain,
Through my fears and faults and blame.
And you still love me anyway.

You're my friend, my rock, my heart and soul.
I love you more than you'll ever know.
And my love for you will continue to grow.

I know that whatever comes our way,
No matter what I do or say,
You’ll love me till my dying day,
Because you're my friend, and you love me anyway.

For Mark, by Cassi Castilleja
Written March 17, 2010

After he passed I found the poem as I was looking for pictures for the memorial video. I decided to edit it to fit the occasion. I have this poem framed on my wall with his pictures around it.

My Anyway Love

You see me through the hurt and pain
Through my fears and faults and blame
And you still love me anyway.

You’re my friend, my rock, my heart and soul.
I love you more than you’ll ever know.
And my love for you will forever show.

I know that whatever comes my way,
Whatever I encounter day by day,
You’ll love me even if Heaven is far away,

Because you’re the love of my life
and you love me anyway.

For Mark, by Cassi Castilleja
Written March 17, 2010
Edited January 11, 2017

Talking to the Wind

I talked to the wind today
Like I'm losing my mind

Like I'm spiraling
                    Drifting
                      Floating
       Wouldn't that be nice

I'd be back with you once again
                                Dancing
                      On a breeze
    In the cool night air

But I'm here, Not there

You're in the wind
So I talked to the wind today

Photo cred: Sad girl with wind blown hair 

© 2017 Head_Phonez 26 / 26

Bad Dreams & Bad Days

It seems that right after I have a good day, I have a bad day. My mind and body seem to get overwhelmed and are like, 'nope, that was hard to keep it together yesterday, we can't do it two days in a row.'  I went to bed last night feeling accomplished. I felt good. But today is a totally different story.

I've been going to counseling since Mark passed so unexpectedly. It helps me process my complicated, compounded grief. My therapist has asked me if I was having nightmares and I wasn't...until now. The nightmares have started. They're not the kind of nightmares that are startling. I'm not replaying the wreck in my dreams. They're the kind of nightmares that break my heart all over again.

So in my dream...

Mark and I took the kids on a cruise. While we were on the ship we started having drinks at the bar. I went up to make sure the kids got settled in their own cabin for the night and ended up falling asleep in their room. The next morning I went next door to our room and he wasn't there. I assumed he was back out and about so I went looking for him. I couldn't find him. I found a friend who told me that Mark said he was done and he got off the boat in the Bahamas. I couldn't believe it and kept questioning him. The bartender overheard me and said, "yes ma'am, he cashed in all his chips early this morning and left." I couldn't believe it! I was going to go find him. He had to come back! We were still docked in the Bahamas so I got off the boat and found him in the customs building and asked him what happened, why'd he leave? He just kept saying he was leaving me, so nonchalantly, unaffected by emotion. I begged him to come back with us. I kept saying, "What about the kids? What about us? I love you!!!" and he just kept saying, "No, I'm leaving you." The ship blew its horn and I had to board the ship to cruise back to the US with the kids, leaving him there on a bench in the Bahamas. I was heartbroken, horrified, and deserted.

I woke up feeling abandoned all over again. I was just telling my therapist that I haven't had the gut-wrenching, heart-crushing, breath-taking cry in about a week...until this morning. I woke up unable to breathe again. My heart was being crushed inside my chest again. I muddled through a shower, put on yoga pants, and hardly did my hair. I ate Ramen out of a butter tub and slept most of the day, in between checking on my sick kid. I woke up for dinner (thank you Kathy for the Korean food!) and got back in bed. Bub isn't running fever anymore so he'll go to school tomorrow and I'll go to work a full day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit easier because today SUCKED!

Rejoice!

The bible says rejoice in your sufferings (Rom 5:3-5). That means you WILL suffer but REJOICE, push yourself forward with endurance to run the race before you, be graceful and gracious,  and find joy in each day because it's there. There's still love to this life and still a purpose for us who are left behind. There's still joy but we can't see it if we go through each day with our heads hanging down.

It seems unnatural at first but it truly helps to take a deep breath, maybe say a prayer, and just do it. That's what I have to do. There are days, especially at the very beginning, when I just want to lie in bed with the covers over my head and cry. I don't want to face my new reality or the world. In those moments I say a simple prayer, "God move my feet because I don't want to move." Then I take a deep breath, put my feet on the ground, and get out of bed! If He can make the sun stand still and move mountains, He can move me. He gives you the strength to move, one step at a time, one obstacle at a time. These days taking a shower and fixing my hair is an obstacle sometimes because I just want to sulk alone like the crazy Miss Havisham. But I dont (most days). I get up and move.

Go to the gym. Go for a walk. Go back to work. Volunteer somewhere. Be around kids, they have a way of bringing out smiles (as long as you can give em back, ha!). Keep your love close and talk about the good times, focus on their life and honor their memory instead of focusing on the loss. At least that's what I'm doing.

Love is not a feeling, love is a verb...an action. It's the conscious choice to put the other one first even when you're pissed at them. If grief is an extension of love you have to make a conscious choice in how you grieve too. Does that make sense? Grieving long and hard doesn't mean you love the person any more and having a good day(s) doesn't mean you love them any less. It means you're living, loving them and getting through each day with your head up. How else will you be able to see the beauty that still surrounds you?

Today that beauty will be found on the faces of family and friends at a baby's birthday party. Today I'm going to celebrate their new life and the joy we share in these moments. Today I will hold my love close to my heart, breathe when I'm overcome with emotion, & share these moments with him as he looks on from Heaven. Today I will cry if I need to cry, lean on family, & lean into God. Today will be a beautiful day and I will rejoice.