Homesick

I’m broken now. I wasn’t before but when my world cracked and shifted like the tectonic plates below the surface of an earthquake something in me shifted too. I miss my husband something fierce and I long for the day when I can go home to heaven and be with him again. I’m secretly jealous of those that pass before me, especially when I know they’ll be reunited with their husband/wife in heaven. How beautiful that must be to run into their arms again and be led to the feet of our Savior together! I can only imagine. I’m homesick. 

I’m homesick in the kind of way that a kid is at summer camp. They have fun during the day and enjoy the experience and make memories but they long to be home with their loved ones. They have trouble sleeping at night when everything gets quiet and still and they realize how small they are in the world, how alone they feel. They’re surrounded by other campers, kids their age, but they still feel so alone. That’s when they start to cry and want to call home, if not GO home. 

I’m THAT kid at summer camp. I’m to the point in my journey that I’m experiencing life little by little again and I’m smiling and learning how to live again but when all the world is sleeping my mind races and my heart aches to be home in heaven with my hubby. I secretly wish I could just be done with this life already and get to go home too. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way or thinking that way. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, don’t call the suicide prevention hotline on me. I’m not taking steps for it to happen, I’m just fine with it if it does. Not that I have a choice in the matter, but you understand what I’m saying. 

Losing someone close to you makes you face your own mortality and answer some hard questions. Are you ready to go today if He calls you home? My answer is Heck Yeah! Something I’m struggling with is taking measures to prolong life if something was to happen to me. If I got cancer or was in an accident... do I want to jump through hoops and go through the ringer or just live out my numbered days and accept God’s plan and go home if that’s the case? Do I sign a DNR? I want to, but then again I have a son, who will eventually grow up to have kids of his own, my grandkids. Do I want to miss that? Do I prolong life or prolong heaven??

I don’t want to prolong going to heaven. I want to go home! I’m so homesick. I wonder if those that go before us can relay messages to our loved ones in heaven, like a phone call from summer camp? Mark’s Grandma just passed. I wonder if he was there to greet her along with his grandpa, her husband, who passed a long time ago. I wonder if she heard me whisper in her ear to give my Marky a hug and a kiss for me and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I wonder if he got the message. Who knows!?! All I know is they’re there and I’m not yet and that makes me a little jealous. God forgive me for being jealous or envious. I’m just broken now, maybe I’m becoming a little jaded, and I want to go home. “I’ve never been more homesick than now.”

https://youtu.be/qVl6pUc9QdM

My Repurposed Ring

July 28, 2017

I have to brag because I'm so stinking excited!!! My husband passed in January in a tragic car accident. He was 37. I'm 35. I wore my wedding ring for a while but it hurt when people at church or whatever would see my ring and ask, "So what does your husband do," or "Where is your husband?" I didn't want to just store it in the jewelry box and didn't feel right wearing it on my right hand. 

After much thought I decided to work with a jeweler to re-purpose it. My husband was my biggest encourager and supporter when I went through grad school and he was so proud of me when I graduated and passed my licensing boards in December, three weeks before he passed. It seems perfect that his ring would wrap around my college ring. My jeweler took the diamonds and metal to make the wrap for my Aggie ring and made earrings and a necklace pendant out of the rest of it. I am SO IN LOVE WITH IT!!! It hurt my heart a little to see it broken apart like that but I'll get so much out of it this way now. It's a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven and I'm so happy with it.

My jeweler took the diamonds and metal from my wedding band and made a ring wrap for my Aggie ring. Now I can wear both of my favorite rings in one! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! What a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven. I love that he is part of my Aggie ring forever now! Thank you to my jewler, Ken Sanders, from the bottom of my heart!

Discerning God's Voice & Following Where I'm Led

July 24, 2017

I had posted the following blog on July 24, 2016...

I've always felt close to the Lord, like I can hear Him and get the message He's trying to tell/show me through life's experiences and influential people. It was no surprise that I scored high on discernment on my spiritual gifts inventory. However right now I'm wondering if I misunderstood the message or blurred it with the voices of the world, the voices inside my head, or my own selfish wants and drive. Sometimes it's hard during tough times to tell where I end and He begins, not my will but His. Did I interpret His will correctly? Was I obedient? Or was I overzealous? Right now I'm starting to feel like I was overzealous and went off blazing my own trail like "I got this" and now the sun is setting and I'm starting to realize I don't really know where I am or where I'm going. I need a sign, a word, a door that's open to know I'm still going in the right direction.

When I first began my journey as a special education teacher I prayed and prayed to be led in the right direction and to be protected as I worked with these delicate kids and families. They go through so much and as much as I understand, it's NOTHING in comparison to what they know, so I prayed for humility and wisdom. God opened doors and led me to great people who would teach me and fill my heart with so much joy. This last change is a little more difficult. Although I've moved schools or districts in the past, I've always been a sped teacher. I've always had a sense of stability, a predictable schedule, benefits, etc. and now I'm in a whole new world. It's been SO fulfilling and rewarding but it's also been challenging as I'm having to adjust from something I've known for 10 years and there's more unpredictability than what I'm used to. I'm having growing pains. I know I'm not lost, I'm never lost, I'm just a little scared out here in the woods.

Anyone ever feel this way or is it just me being the overthinker that I am?

I WAS in the right place at the right time! It was His plan and His plan has played out beautifully. Thank God that I was obedient because He has provided for me through CTBS (the company I work for) once Mark moved to heaven. He set me up for the worst day of my life and then let others care for me and carry me through it all. Thank you friends and thank you Jesus! If I wouldn't have followed I wouldn't have made it. If I wouldn't have taken the leap of faith I would've fallen short without Mark's income. His love and provision is AMAZING! I see you God! I see your hand. Thank you!!









❤️

I'm Worth It

July 18, 2017

I have been struggling with my sense of identify since losing my husband. I've been cherished and adored and loved so gloriously and I belonged to someone who treasured me. I was his and he was mine. Even during the hard times, when I lost sight of who I was in our marriage and what I wanted my husband looked at me with loving and forgiving eyes and led me back to myself and led me back to God. I felt His love and forgiveness when I was wrapped in my husband's arms during those dark days. We didn't have a perfect marriage but it was real and it was SO good. I knew that when I had him and I treasured him.

Now that I've lost him I'm having to find myself and my new identity without him. It's so hard! When I feel judged or rejected I feel myself getting down on myself. I opened up my "Jesus Calling" book and read today's devotional and it reminded me that my worth is determined by what God says about me.

I am beautiful. I am kind. I am good-hearted. I am wise. I am worth knowing. I am worth loving. I am to be treasured because ultimately I AM HIS. Mark knew this and treated me as such. I do feel alone but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not. Maybe for now but not forever.

Dream Visitations

July 17, 2017 at 8:15 am

I cried in my sleep this morning. My love came to visit me. I woke up around 5 am to go to the bathroom, checked the clock on my phone and realized I still had a couple hours of sleep, so I got back in bed and fell back asleep. Then he was there.

He knelt down by the bed and stroked my hair. I could feel his fingertips on my face and neck and through my hair. He got in bed and laid next to me and he was right there, so close to me. I held his face in my hands and could feel and see his salt & pepper hair and feel his skin. He just stared at me and spoke to me with his eyes. His lips didn't move but I could hear his words. He said, "I'm here. I don't come around a lot, only during this time, because THIS was our time. This was our thing (him stroking my hair in the early morning hours). I love you." I kissed him and I could feel his sweet kiss, his soft lips, and I could feel the tears falling. I knew I was sleeping because the tears were streaming from my closed eyes. I knew I was dreaming. Then he got up and walked away. He was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans and as he walked away I chased after him, sobbing and begging him not to leave again. Then I woke up.

Oh God I miss that man! It was bittersweet to have that dream. I love that I got to hold him and kiss him but I hated to see him go again. My heart was breaking all day and I'd been doing so good. It felt like the day after all over again. After Mark passed I felt closer to God but so distant from my husband. In an instant he was gone. Just like that... gone. I didn't feel him around, see any signs that he was near or watching over me, it wasn't like the movies. He was just gone. Then this happened. It's beautiful and amazing but it definitely ripped the wound open again. But I'll live with my heart cut open if it means knowing my love is in heaven watching over me.

I came across this picture and it holds new meaning now. He posted this on my Facebook wall back in 2009. I must've been out of town and he was telling me that he missed me. Now when I read it I picture him telling me this from that side of heaven. I miss him so much and I wish I was there too. I will be and I can't wait until the day when I can see him and hold him again.

Paradise

July 16, 2017 at 7:59 am

A month after my husband passed I had a dream that we went on a cruise with the kids. We had drinks at the bar and eventually I left him there while I went and got the kids settled in their cabin, right next door to our cabin. I accidentally fell asleep in their cabin and when I woke up the next morning I went next door and realized Mark hadn't been in our cabin. The bed was still made and it was obvious he hadn't been there so I spent the morning searching the cruise ship. As I was asking around at the bar the bartender said, "Oh, that guy cashed in his chips and got off the ship in the Bahamas." 

We were still docked so I got off the ship at the port and there he was, standing with his things in his arms. I questioned him, like, "What are you doing? Come on, the ships about to leave!" He refused to get back on the ship. He kept staring at me. He wouldn't talk to me but with his eyes he was saying," I'm staying here in paradise." I kept crying and pleading, "What about me? What about the kids?" but he refused. The ships horn blew and I had to make the decision to either stay with him or get back on the ship with the kids. I turned with tears streaming down my face and left him in the Bahamas and got back on the ship.

It was the most gut-wrenching dream. It was so recently after loosing him and I felt abandoned all over again. I talked to my therapist about my dream and she said he was telling me he was in paradise. It was a parallel to heaven. I can see that. I believe it.

I came across this picture from a cruise we took to Cozumel a few years back. This was how I envisioned him in my dream, standing there with his bag, happy as a clam. He IS in paradise now. I get it. I wish I could be in paradise with him but my journey is taking longer than his did. Although I think of him everyday and miss him everyday I'm finding my happiness too. #iloveyoubig Mark Anthony. I'll see you in paradise when my time comes. Save me a spot on the beach!
 #youngwidowwarrior #marksmovetoheaven

The Good Wife

I was a good wife. I was his best friend. I was his confidant, his wise counsel, his encourager. I prayed for him daily, sometimes multiple times a day depending on what we were going through. I was praying for him the night he passed. I was a good wife.

I lifted him up, led him, tried to protect him. I spoke truth in love to him even though he didn't always want to hear it. I was his helper. I helped him raise his daughter. I helped him relate to his mother. I helped him pursue better opportunities career wise. I was a good wife.

Marriage is a process of sanctification. God uses your spouse to stretch you and mold you and teach you about yourself, each other, and bring you closer to Him. It's the most trying and beautiful experience, aside from purposeful parenting. It's what I always strived to do, to honor God and honor my husband through the ups and downs.

I wasn't perfect. No one is. I failed him a time or two. I hurt him, made him cry, brought him to his knees... we both did. We came to the brink, on the verge of divorce, but we found our strength in the Lord and held onto each other and pushed and pulled our way through it.

When I lost my focus and strayed from my faith he picked me up and brought me back to the Lord. He helped me find myself again. He loved me like Jesus and I will never forget that. I spent my time trying to be a good wife to him.

This is what I was made for... to be a good mother and wife. To minister to my family and lead them to Christ. To train up my son to be a humble, honest, wise man of God who will eventually be a good husband and father. To minister to my husband and lead him to have a deeper relationship with the Lord. To show grace and love and forgiveness to my family.

My biggest mission, more important than my work or other relationships, was this mission. I want God to look at me when my day comes and say, "Good job, good and faithful one." I tried. Everyday I tried. Some days were harder than others but I never lost hope. I never gave up on him. I was a good wife.

Now I'm a widow. I have a lot to offer and I feel like I'm wasting it away now. I still minister to my son and pour myself into my work and kiddos with special needs. I pour myself into other women at church. I pour myself into my church, volunteering as often as I can. But my calling to be a good wife is... gone? I was a good wife! How do you go from being a wife to being alone? I used to belong to someone. He cherished me, valued me, respected me. And it was mutual. He was mine and I was his and now I'm no one's. My heart longs to love and be loved. Not to replace him or because I can't be alone, but because I am a good wife! It's what I was called to do. At least that's how I feel.

I was called to be a good wife and a good mother and to minister to those with special needs. I'm fulfilling my calling in every other aspect except for this one area now and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to wait but I'm forced to.

My prayers over time have changed. During our marriage I prayed for my husband: for his health, his job demands, his character, his decisions, his battles with his demons, his ability to be a good husband & father, his safety, his soul. The night he passed (before I knew for sure) I prayed for him to either be okay or be taken quickly and without suffering. I prayed for God to have mercy on him. I prayed for his soul. I prayed for his journey home. Then I've been praying for myself and the kids: for strength for this new journey, for peace & comfort, for wisdom and guidance with all the decisions, for forgiveness for all the ugliness that grief brings out of people. God has answered my prayers time and time again and has done it in a way that is visible, palpable to me so I can discern His hand in everything.

Now I pray for patience. I'm fine on my own. I'm busy with work, I find joy each day, I have great friends and family to hang out with, I love my job and my kiddos  (clients), I'm a great mom, I pay my own bills and support myself and my son with my head held high. I don't NEED a man in a codependent, I'm lonely and trying to fill the void kind of way. If he's not a good man I'm better off without him and I have no problem waiting... but then again I do. I've never been a patient person, especially in a case like this where I went from being a good wife to being no one's helper overnight.

So I pray for patience and I pray for God to send me a good, Godly man who understands grief and loss. A man who won't be intimidated by my love for my husband but will be inspired by it. A man who will lift me up and be my helper like I will be to him. The way Mark and I were together. I'm not trying to recreate things or replace him. No one can replace him, ever. I just want a helper and to be a helper to a good man. I want to fulfill this ministry again. I'm horrible at waiting. I want to be a good wife again someday. Because I already was. I was a good wife.

My Anyway Love

I had originally written this poem for my husband when we were newlyweds. I called him my anyway friend because he loved me anyway, no matter what.

My Anyway Friend

You see me through the hurt and the pain,
Through my fears and faults and blame.
And you still love me anyway.

You're my friend, my rock, my heart and soul.
I love you more than you'll ever know.
And my love for you will continue to grow.

I know that whatever comes our way,
No matter what I do or say,
You’ll love me till my dying day,
Because you're my friend, and you love me anyway.

For Mark, by Cassi Castilleja
Written March 17, 2010

After he passed I found the poem as I was looking for pictures for the memorial video. I decided to edit it to fit the occasion. I have this poem framed on my wall with his pictures around it.

My Anyway Love

You see me through the hurt and pain
Through my fears and faults and blame
And you still love me anyway.

You’re my friend, my rock, my heart and soul.
I love you more than you’ll ever know.
And my love for you will forever show.

I know that whatever comes my way,
Whatever I encounter day by day,
You’ll love me even if Heaven is far away,

Because you’re the love of my life
and you love me anyway.

For Mark, by Cassi Castilleja
Written March 17, 2010
Edited January 11, 2017

Eight years

It's our eight year anniversary! Here's what I've learned over the years...

1. God answers prayers...I prayed for a man to be my partner in life, to support me and be a good husband and father for my son, and I've been given that and so much more. I'm so grateful!

2. Sanctification. God has used my spouse to get to me. My husband has shown grace and mercy when I didn't deserve it and given me love and forgiveness when he's wrapped me in his arms. God has given me endurance and wisdom through the circumstances we've gone through and has strengthened my character as a woman while being his wife. He's made me a better person when he made me his wife.

3. Patience.  God has taught me patience throughout these past 7 years. Oh gosh have I had the chance to practice patience. Lots of chances to practice patience actually. Patience with my husband, patience with our kids as we've raised them together, but not together because we share custody (coparenting with grace in and of itself presents many opportunities to practice patience), patience with our jobs, finances, parents, in-laws, and our hopes & dreams. Some dreams came true, some are still coming true, and some dreams died over the years but that's life.

4. Dignity. I'm learning how to win with integrity and lose or surrender woth dignity. Some dreams died, like the dream of having a child together with my husband, and that was a hard pill to swallow. I've slowly learned that my plans are not His plans and there's a reason he won't give us a child of our own, though I may not agree or understand the reason now. I will someday. I'm finally on the other side of grief and am surrendering with dignity. Well to be honest I'm picking up the pieces of the dignity that I have left and putting them back together because I was a mess about it for some time. It still hits me sometimes but not as long and hard as it used to. There's a little more dignity there, and that's progress!

5. Grace. God's taught, and is still teaching me, how to be a woman of grace, especially with my kids. I still have a sarcastic and witty sense of humor and I'm uncensored at home and I'm not the picture of perfection but I show grace and mercy as much as I can. I'm purposeful. I'm a purposeful parent and wife. I think before I speak more and I pray before I act more. And I try to show grace more and more each day. It's a process.

6. Flexibility. I'm learning to be flexible. God's given and taken away. He's answered prayers, but sometimes not in the way I expected. I'm learning to be flexible, like clay in His hands. Again, it's a process.

7. Leadership. I've learned that there's value to my story and experiences and that I can use my testimony to connect with others dealing with similar issues. I can help, lead, guide, in subtle or not so subtle ways. I try to find opportunities to speak truth and love and lead others without being pushy or judgmental. I'm still learning how to do that more. It's hard because I don't want to push anyone away. Sometimes people don't like to hear the truth, I know I didn't when I was going through the muck, but I'm so thankful that I had a friend that loved me enough to tell me I was being foolish (not exactly that way obviously). I want to be that for someone else.

8. Trust. I've learned to trust my husband. Before him I was a headstrong, independent, self-sufficient woman. I didn't die to self and I made my first marriage hard (it was already hard for other reasons but I know I didn't make it any easier). After my divorce I had reason to be an independent, self-sufficient woman because I was a single mom through my separation and after my divorce. I've had to learn that it's okay to let my husband help me. It's okay to take the walls down. It's okay to lean on him when I'm falling. I've learned to trust and it feels so good not having to do everything on my own!

9. Endurance. I feel like we finally hit our groove after year 5 or 6. The first 3 years of marriage were hard. After about year 6 we had ironed out most of the major wrinkles and hit our groove. We still have kinks to iron out and nothing is perfect, there are ups and downs and ebbs and flows for sure, but we're good. We've hit our stride and we're just running the marathon now.

10. Honesty. Like I said, in my first marriage I didn't die to self. I had my own plans and my own agenda and I took care of me because nobody else would. I wanted to feel all these things in my first marriage but we were young and dumb and we didn't do things right. There was a lot of dishonesty on both of our parts. Since then, in my marriage now, I've learned to be honest and expect honesty from my spouse and kids. And being honest means I have to be honest with myself too which means I do a lot of self-reflection (hence the blogging). But honesty really is the best policy.

I've learned so much, we all have, and there's still so much more to learn. I can't wait to get to 10 years! We're planning on having a small ceremony since we never actually had a wedding, just went to the JP, but we'll see. I'd love to, even if it is just a ceremony (no dinner & dance). I just want pictures and memories of that special day. We'll see.

What's in a name?

I started a new blog and couldn't think of a name for it. I want to focus on life, issues that we deal with as a family, and I kept thinking "Beautifully Blended" because we are a blended family. But things aren't always beautiful and we don't always blend well. We're human. Plus the name was already taken.

So I went with another alcohol analogy (because what's parenting without a little bit of alcohol) and I decided on Shaken, not Stirred. Like a martini. We're mixed together as a blended family but also because through life's bumps and bruises I may become shaken but I'm not stirred. I know my fate and my identity in Christ. I know who holds my life in His hands and who writes my life's plan.

So these are the writings of a woman who may become shaken but not stirred. Bear with me as I journal about marriage, kids, parenting, blended family issues, coparenting, and maybe a little about work. Feel free to join the conversation and comment on the blog posts. Love to all!