Blogging Hiatus

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus from blogging over the last couple years. I blogged a lot after losing Mark but then life started looking up again and I got sidetracked and let blogging fall to the wayside. I’ve been positing on social media (Facebook) because that’s been my platform over the years but I’ve taken a hiatus from blogging. 

The last blog I wrote was in October 2021, three months after losing Gabe. I wrote that I was doing well because I knew how to walk the widow walk and “it was like muscle memory.” Part of that was true. I knew what to do for sure, but the other part that I failed to realize was that I was in shock! I was walking through life as if nothing had happened when I had just lost my second husband, the father of my girls, my answered prayer. 

My grief was definitely delayed after losing Gabe. I felt it in small waves at first and was able to go on about life because I was in shock, denial. At about the year mark it hit me like a tsunami and wrecked my world. I was having trouble balancing work and home stressors. My relationship that I thought was going somewhere was filled with drama because he and I were both filled with trauma. When we met we fit well because I was depressed and suppressing my grief. I was in a space where I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to dance and sing and live and experience life. I just wanted to be a homebody and be loved and escape my life sometimes. His personality is very reserved and guarded, very withdrawn. So we meshed well enough at first. We didn’t push boundaries with each other and we respected each other’s grief and trauma. 

But as I started to heal I started realizing that we didn’t gel so well because we are very different people. Different personality types. I realized about 9 months in that we weren’t a good fit for each other but I have a hard time quitting people. I was hell bent on making it to the other side of the struggle, putting in the hard work to bond together and pull each other through this hard time. We tried to make it work but there was always something, it never came easy, it was always a struggle. The stress of the relationship, the back and forth and emotional toll it took on me, the unpredictability and impulsivity that I was showing to my kids, friends, and family… all of it were signs of PTSD. 

I realized I wasn’t doing him any justice by keeping him in a relationship he wasn’t enough for. He needed to heal too and he couldn’t do that with me in the picture as a distraction. And I wasn’t doing myself justice or allowing myself to fully heal because the nurturer and healer in me kept worrying about him and trying to help him heal. I had to put the oxygen mask on myself and break free. I felt guilty about giving up on him, I grappled with that for a long time, but ultimately I had to make a choice. So I ended it.

Since then I’ve been focusing on my walk with God and taking care of myself. I’m protecting my peace, the little peace that I have right now, and nurturing it to help it grow. I’m re-centering myself in God and what He says about me and life’s situations and I’m trying to choose joy more than I have been this past year. I’ve said it before that “this past year has been the hardest year of my life” and then SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS! I’m going to quit saying that. But this year has definitely been more of a challenge and I’ve lost perspective and lost my joy at times. I’m almost ashamed to admit that because I am such a strong believer and I know my joy comes from the Lord but I have failed miserably this past year. I have fallen short and lost my hope and joy. If you can imagine me walking on a path following after Jesus… I’m still walking on the path but I’m downtrodden. My head is hung and my face is flushed with furrowed brows. I’m dragging my feet and wavering as I walk, leaving the path ever so slightly as I mumble and fumble through the desert that is my life right now. But still I’m walking in the same direction. I’m not lost, I still look up and see Him way up ahead, but I’m discouraged that I’m so far behind and I’m so exhausted and thirsty! My soul is thirsty. My heart is thirsty.

It makes me think about the Israelites who wandered for 40 years in the desert and how they must have felt. Am I being punished for losing perspective? Is this a time of reflection and purification and preparation for the promise land? What’s the bigger picture? Where’s the testimony? Ever since I heard the calling on my life I ask myself questions like these. I’m not perfect by any means, I live out loud on purpose to shed light on modern day discipleship and to encourage others to get on the path and follow after Jesus too. Literally as I write this I’m filled with hope and reminded that God uses suffering for 3 reasons: Correction, Salvation, and Sanctification (perfecting us). I did not deserve to lose my husbands. I do not deserve to struggle so much and have such a rough go-of-it these days. I don’t think it’s for correction purposes because the suffering is not causing me to turn from transgressions (repetitive purposeful sinning). Or maybe it is for correction and I'm being humbled to eventually see it? I don't know. I am saved and share my faith and testimony so I don’t think it’s for salvation. Not mine at least. Maybe for discipleship, the salvation of others? The other reason is sanctification… experiential sanctification. 

I was asked this weekend, "How are you still doing okay? What drives you?" My answer was this: My faith. I am a faith-filled woman and I don't know why bad things have happened in my life. I don't know why I have suffered so much in such a short time. But I do know that he works everything for His purpose, even this. And I know that we are all uniquely made and all have a purpose and maybe this is mine. I told my friend that I have had a unique experience and I know this is my purpose because He told me so when I heard the call 6 years ago. "Be a lighthouse." To me that means shed light, light the path, guide them home. So I do. Even in my struggles and heartaches, even when I fall flat on my face, even when I hang my head as I drag my feet on the path. I'm still walking. Let's walk together.

Hiatus is over. Time to start writing again.

Speak To Me, I'm Listening

We're going on a year since Mark moved to heaven. What a difference a year makes! I  don't know who came up with the notion  that a year is adequate time to grieve, there's no time limit or order to processing grief, but there is something to it. I can say I'm doing a lot better than I was 9, 6, even 3 months ago.

There's something about coming up to the year anniversary that shifts things a little. The sting of it is not as strong. The hole in my heart is still there and the loneliness is still there but it's not as crippling. I don't feel suffocated by my grief like I used to. I'm learning to live again, learning to live with the vacancy left by my sweet husband. I'm settling in to my solitude and leaning in to my calling.

When Mark passed I remember making the choice to be the light. It was in those initial days after his passing, before the funeral. I was heartbroken in the worst way. I couldn't breathe, couldn't function, I just kept cursing and drinking to numb the pain. Just recalling that night brings me to tears. It was horrible. But in those initial gut- wrenching moments I felt a tiny sense of peace and the calling to "be a lighthouse" to others in a storm. I responded. I chose to be obedient. I chose to be the light.

Everything I post on social media is purposeful. I didn't over-share because I have no filter. I share because I'm being transparent, because I'm being a lighthouse for those that come behind me. I heard the call and I answered and I hope that I've helped at least one person deal with grief or life's troubles, or treasure life maybe a little bit more than they used to.

We, as a society, don't know how to deal with loss or delayed gratification, and we definitely don't know how to deal with grief. We are so used to having it all, or at least having the ability to get it. We don't like when things are taken from us. We don't like to lose. We give every kid on the team a trophy because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We shield our kids from death and dying because it's sad and sometimes not pretty. We shield them because it hurts deeply and that's scary. So we, as kids, grow up to fear death and when it happens to us we don't know how to deal with it. We've never HAD to. We've never been taught. In other countries they know heartache. They don't have access to medical care or basic essentials like we do and they fall ill and die, or in some countries are murdered, so death is a way of life. They accept it and deal with it and move forward. They honor the dead. We hide from it. We mask it with pills or drugs or alcohol or sex or any other "poison." We don't process and grieve in a healthy way.

I was called to be the light, to be a lighthouse in the storm. In my own pain I surrendered to God and my calling and shared my journey every step of the way. I don't know what's next for me. I feel a strong pulling at my heart to give more of myself to His work. I don't know if that will be stepping out in leadership at church, or writing a book, or speaking publicly. I don't know what that looks like, I'm still waiting on leadership from God to know where to step next, I just know it's happening.

I've felt the calling slowly over the years and then all at once. I've grown in my faith exponentially this past year. But it didn't all happen in one year. When I look back at memories or Facebook posts or think back I am reminded of prayers that I wrote down or dreams that I had that now seem more prophetic in nature than random dreams. Like the dream I had in 2013 (?) when I raised my hands in worship and was being pulled up to heaven. Or the prayer I prayed for God to help me lead and teach others and give me a platform and the words to say (I prayed and posted this prayer back in 2013). Or the blog posts I wrote in years past. All of these things seem to be part of a bigger plan or quilt that's slowly coming together. It's beginning to make more sense.

I'm still on my journey. I still miss my husband deeply but I feel more at peace now. God gave me peace and faith the size of a mustard seed at first but it's grown and is still growing. I'm learning to walk faithfully, not frantically. I'm lonely but not desperate. I'm brokenhearted but not crushed. I'm learning how to be still but moving forward. I'm learning that being still is not NOT moving. It's a stillness of spirit, not action. It's a peace and stillness from within. I'm settling into my singleness and my purpose. Who knows what the future holds; look how much changed in one year! We shall see. I'll continue to go where I'm led. He's never steered me wrong.

"I'm in awe that You would come to me
In awe that I could hear You speak.
Speak to me. I'm listening."~ Speak To Me by Kari Jobe

Forgiveness

Last week’s sermon was on forgiveness. We read the book of Philemon and learned about God’s grace and forgiveness and our duty as Christians to forgive. We know this, right? Well the action step for us last week was to seek forgiveness from others.  I’ve done a pretty good job of that along the course of my life. I even asked my ex for forgiveness a year AFTER we divorced, when I was finally ready. The only person I felt I needed forgiveness from is no longer here to forgive me. So I prayed about it and I talked to friends and decided to write my Mark a letter, seeking his forgiveness. It’s stuff I already talked to him about during those first days and months after his passing. I’ve asked for his forgiveness over and over since January 6th but I keep asking. Maybe it’s me who needs to forgive myself. OOH REVELATION!!!

Anyway this week’s sermon was on forgiving others.  I knew this sermon was coming so I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what would be asked of me. As a Christian I know what I’m supposed to do, but as a person, a woman who lost her husband to drinking and driving, I wasn’t prepared to forgive yet. Immediately after the accident, within the first two or three days, I reached out to his friends that he was with him that night and told them it wasn’t their fault and that he wouldn’t want them to blame themselves. I said all this, and I meant it, but I didn’t realize at the time that I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, on his behalf basically.

After the funeral I felt myself becoming more angry with them. They were his best friends,  they were supposed to look out for him. I felt like they influenced him in a negative way and they didn’t support his growth, our marriage, or me as his wife who only wanted the best for him. I was always made into the bad guy, the nagging wife, the ball and chain, trying to act like his mama or rain on his parade. Over the years they called me names, said I was stuck up for not wanting to be a part of that scene, said I was trying to change him.  Maybe I was in a sense. I was trying to help him change the bad parts and grow into the best version of himself, the man I always knew he could be.

I have been harboring bitterness and unforgiveness towards them since the accident. Not once have they reached out to me, no text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook texts or messages. They haven’t stopped by to check on us or to see him, his urn, his memorial. I will admit that I unfriended them on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see their lives going on when mine had been ruined, the love of my life so quickly and drastically taken away. It was too hard and I was bitter. Over the course of this year I have felt myself working through all the emotions associated with grief and loss. I’m processing everything and learning how to live again. I’m learning how to let go of regret, all the shoulda, coulda, woulda‘s from that night. I feel myself getting closer to being able to forgive them.

So after the sermon this week I met with the pastor and asked, “How do I know when I’m there? How do I know when I’m ready to actually say the words to them, I forgive you.”  I’m past the anger stage and the bitterness stage, and I don’t wish anything bad on them nor do I want to seek revenge. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I pray for them. But does that mean I’m ready to forgive them?  And if so, how do I do that? What do I say? What does that mean as far as a relationship goes? Do we have to be friends? My pastor said that my obligation as a Christian who has been forgiven is to forgive those who have sinned against me and to seek reconciliation but it’s okay to have boundaries.  He said that I should just pray about it and ask God to make it clear to me what I am to do. He challenged me to pray for them every day this week.

This morning as I was on my way to work I was talking to God, like I normally do. I prayed for them this morning and then I asked God how I was supposed to make this happen. How can I forgive them after they encouraged him and directly caused his excessive drinking that night which caused the accident?  I know he was a grown man, no one had to force him to drink, he did it to himself, but he was a social drinker. He was the life of the party and everybody loved “Good Time Mark.” Nobody stood in his way over the years. Nobody told him enough was enough. Nobody reminded him that he had a good thing at home and he needed to go home instead of the bar. I asked God “How can I fogive them when they were part of the problem?” And right then and there he put it on my heart. I heard him say, “How could they help him when they can’t even help themselves in that area? Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I remember Christ on the cross pleading to God to forgive those that were crucifying him, AS they were crucifying him. It was during this conversation with God this morning that I realized, they may have been part of the problem but they are battling the same demons that he was, caught in the same parterns. No wonder they never spoke truth to him, they don’t know it for themselves. But when you know better, you do better. So I acknowledged that I heard him loud and clear and said “OK Lord you’ve told me what I need to do, now lead me to do it and give me the words.”

I went about my day and rushed from work to my grief share meeting after work.  I already completed the grief share program at the beginning of the year but I’m going through it a second time just because it helps. But because this is my second go-round, my attendance has been spotty. I’ve only gone to about three meetings. I am in a better place now and I don’t need it as much as I did during the initial weeks and months. I hadn’t been to a grief share meeting in the last three weeks but decided that today I was going to go. I walked in and wouldn’t you know the seminar was about forgiveness. Again, “OK Lord I hear you loud and clear.” So I’m certain I know what I need to do.

I came home and wrote a letter to Mark and asked for forgiveness for all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed him, especially that night. And then I forgave him for leaving me, for choosing his friends and the party lifestyle over me sometimes, for letting his demons control his behavior sometimes. I forgive him for everything because I love him. And then I told him what I would say to his friends, given the opportunity. I’m going to try to reach out to them. They may hang up on me or slam the door in my face, but I feel like they need to hear it from me that I forgive them and that I understand. I understand that they didn’t mean for it to happen and that if they could take it all back they would because they loved him too. I know how bad it hurts and how heavily guilt weighs on your shoulders. I know the burden that they’re bearing. I’m telling them to lay it down. I wish things could’ve been different but they’re not and they are not completely to blame and I realize that now. I recognize the struggles that they face: the same struggles he did, and now the struggle for peace, the struggle with guilt, the struggle for forgiveness. I see them, I feel their pain, I hear their hearts, & I forgive them.

If you’re reading this... I forgive you. Mark loved you and I love you. Don’t let him go in vain. When you know better, you do better. Do better. Live better. Love harder. Try harder. Do better. It’s all we can do, just try to do better every day and be obedient to our Father in Heaven. I’m trying and I hope you’ll accept my forgiveness and live free in the grace and peace that only comes from knowing Him and walking with Him. I’m free and I’m forgiven and now I forgive you.

Much love,

Cassi

Lead Me to Lead

On this day in 2013 I read my "Jesus Calling" devotional and prayed that God would lead me to lead others. I admitted that I struggle with teaching others to follow Jesus. I have a very quiet and humble spirit, I'm not very evangelical in the "in your face" sense. I prayed that He would help me to do his will and lead me to lead others.

"I SPEAK TO YOU from deepest heaven. You hear Me in the depths of your being. Deep calls unto deep. You are blessed to hear Me so directly. Never take this privilege for granted. The best response is a heart overflowing with gratitude. I am training you to cultivate a thankful mind-set. This is like building your house on a firm rock, where life's storms cannot shake you. As you learn these lessons you are to teach them to others. I will open up the way before you, one step at a time." (Psalm 42:7; Psalm 95:1-2; Matthew 7:24-25)

Well... He did. I've been told that I'm leading others to Christ through my testimony and I'm leading others through grief and loss and pain as well. I prayed that He would show me how and He did. He gave me a platform and gives me the words. This is more proof that He listens and answers prayers.

Be the Good

July 28, 2017

"What if instead of waiting for good enough things to happen to us, we could be the the good thing to happen to someone else who's waiting?" ~ Ann Voskamp

I attended a fundraiser for Special Olympics of Texas and gave financially to the cause. I see the way Special Olympics positively impacts our kids. They are so proud of themselves when they practice and perform and the families are so proud as well. It's a cause close to my heart and I'm blessed with a good job so that I'm able to give back with my talents, my time, and my treasure.

I'm happy to help and be the good thing to happen to someone else.

Broken and Blessed

July 27, 2017

If your cup is empty, don't try frantically to fill it back up. Pour it out and let God fill it back up. It works. I'm poured out. I'm completely empty today and yet so full at the same time!

When I lost my husband I was given a book from a friend at work. This book has been my saving grace. I LOVE IT! It's my new favorite book. It's all about living your best life and giving your best regardless of the circumstances or the hand you've been dealt. It has a beautiful message and it's beautifully written. If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.

Since Mark moved to heaven I've been pouring myself out, volunteering, giving financially, etc. So far I've bought backpacks and school supplies for a preK, kinder, 1st, & 6th grader, on top of clothes and school supplies for my own 8th grade boy. I've been blessed with the ability to make a living doing what I love so that I can provide for myself and my son independently, now that Mark moved to heaven. The life insurance was rolled into a secured account and hasn't been touched. And I'm making wise decisions with my money. We live modestly and have everything we need so I give back when and where I can. It's not mine anyway, it's HIS and I'm honoring Him with my time & treasures. If He can get it THROUGH you He will get it TO you. 

If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.

Discerning God's Voice & Following Where I'm Led

July 24, 2017

I had posted the following blog on July 24, 2016...

I've always felt close to the Lord, like I can hear Him and get the message He's trying to tell/show me through life's experiences and influential people. It was no surprise that I scored high on discernment on my spiritual gifts inventory. However right now I'm wondering if I misunderstood the message or blurred it with the voices of the world, the voices inside my head, or my own selfish wants and drive. Sometimes it's hard during tough times to tell where I end and He begins, not my will but His. Did I interpret His will correctly? Was I obedient? Or was I overzealous? Right now I'm starting to feel like I was overzealous and went off blazing my own trail like "I got this" and now the sun is setting and I'm starting to realize I don't really know where I am or where I'm going. I need a sign, a word, a door that's open to know I'm still going in the right direction.

When I first began my journey as a special education teacher I prayed and prayed to be led in the right direction and to be protected as I worked with these delicate kids and families. They go through so much and as much as I understand, it's NOTHING in comparison to what they know, so I prayed for humility and wisdom. God opened doors and led me to great people who would teach me and fill my heart with so much joy. This last change is a little more difficult. Although I've moved schools or districts in the past, I've always been a sped teacher. I've always had a sense of stability, a predictable schedule, benefits, etc. and now I'm in a whole new world. It's been SO fulfilling and rewarding but it's also been challenging as I'm having to adjust from something I've known for 10 years and there's more unpredictability than what I'm used to. I'm having growing pains. I know I'm not lost, I'm never lost, I'm just a little scared out here in the woods.

Anyone ever feel this way or is it just me being the overthinker that I am?

I WAS in the right place at the right time! It was His plan and His plan has played out beautifully. Thank God that I was obedient because He has provided for me through CTBS (the company I work for) once Mark moved to heaven. He set me up for the worst day of my life and then let others care for me and carry me through it all. Thank you friends and thank you Jesus! If I wouldn't have followed I wouldn't have made it. If I wouldn't have taken the leap of faith I would've fallen short without Mark's income. His love and provision is AMAZING! I see you God! I see your hand. Thank you!!









❤️

Unselfish Love

July 22, 2017

I've decided to let Bub spend the rest of the summer at his dad's It wasn't an easy decision and I miss him like crazy but they've both agreed to stay in contact and give me every other weekend. He's bored here all day while I work until 6 because JJ isn't coming around anymore so it's just him and the dog. He's bored and lonely. Over there at his dad's he has cousins to hang out with all the time. I told him yesterday and these were his words to me...

"Are you sure mom? I don't want you to be sad because you're alone all the time. If you'll be okay then I'll do it. (After some reassuring...) I'm really proud of you mom, this is really big of you. I love you."

Aww my little man is proud of ME but his response made me SO proud of him!!! I love my sweet boy!

Backpack Buddies

I sponsored a couple kids through church to buy school supplies for. I bought backpacks and school supplies and prayed for them each day. In addition to praying over their supplies I chose to write my prayers down since my kiddo is a 6th grader. Sixth grade is a highly influential time so I wanted him to know how loved and prayed for he is. I wanted to help lead him on the right path.

Day 1: "Dear Friend, Sixth grade is new and exciting and sometimes a little overwhelming. I pray that you will take this new beginning to make the most of yourself - your talents, your reputation, and your friendships. Choose your friends wisely and make smart choices. I pray that you will surround yourself with people that don't just want to have fun with you but want to look out for you and achieve things and grow with you. Have a great year!" (Read Proverbs 22:1 and Ecclesiastes 4:12)

Day 2: "Dear Friend, I know this is a time in your life when you want to do more, have more freedom, be your own person. You're growing into a young man now. Just be careful what you focus on or who you look up to. Not everything that glitters is gold. Whatever you give your time and attention to most will lead your life. Make sure to find a strong, smart, confident man to be your role model and guide you. I pray that you will be led by great men and women."

Day 3: "Dear Friend, The choices you make are like bricks of pavement on the road. They pave the way for your life. Make good choices, see good rewards. Make bad choices and your road will take you places you will regret and you don't want to go. I pray that you will make healthy choices and have friends that will help you make good choices."

Day 4: "Dear Friend, Your family is your core, your backbone. I know sometimes families fight and things aren't always roses and rainbows but they've got your back. Be loyal - don't turn your back on them. I pray that your family will be there for you and lead you to live the best life, that they will seek God during the hard times and come to Him with questions or frustrations. He can handle it. I pray that you always know you can turn to family with anything - don't struggle alone."

Day 5: "Dear Friend, Your life is now beginning. You're getting older and doing a little more on your own. The school work will be harder, mom/dad won't be there to remind you about projects due - you have to remember everything. This is just the beginning, especially if you want to go to college. I pray that you don't give up when things get tough. That's when you dig in and dig deeper inside yourself and give it your all and find what you're truly made of. You got this! I pray for your perseverance and for you to have a spirit of hope."

Day 6: "Dear Friend, You probably already know by now that happiness comes and goes. Not everyday is a good day but there is good in every day. Sometimes you just have to look for it. I pray that you will find joy in every day, even the hard ones. Find something to be thankful for. When you look for the positive in life your good days outnumber your bad days. You can't have a positive life with a negative attitude. Have an attitude of gratitude and #choosejoy."

Day 7: "Dear Friend, This is my last note. I hope you have enjoyed the letters of encouragement and the school supplies. The last thing I hope for you is the most important - I pray you will always turn to God and grow in your relationship with Him. He's not just some invisible being in the sky. He is real. I know because I have experienced His working in my life in ways that are too coincidental to be anything else BUT GOD. He is real and he hears every prayer, every thought. Talk to him, even if they are short prayers. I pray/talk to him in the car, in the shower and if I can't sleep at night. You don't have to pray special prayers or words, just tell him what's on your heart. Pray when you need help with decisions, pray when you're sad, pray to give thanks, pray without ceasing. The more you talk to him and wait for him to show you what to do (listen) the closer y'all will be, just like any relationship. Go with God and grow with God. Lots of love!"

Finished praying for my #backpackbuddies If you can, please consider blessing some kiddos in your community as we gear up for another school year. #bts #bethelight

I'm Worth It

July 18, 2017

I have been struggling with my sense of identify since losing my husband. I've been cherished and adored and loved so gloriously and I belonged to someone who treasured me. I was his and he was mine. Even during the hard times, when I lost sight of who I was in our marriage and what I wanted my husband looked at me with loving and forgiving eyes and led me back to myself and led me back to God. I felt His love and forgiveness when I was wrapped in my husband's arms during those dark days. We didn't have a perfect marriage but it was real and it was SO good. I knew that when I had him and I treasured him.

Now that I've lost him I'm having to find myself and my new identity without him. It's so hard! When I feel judged or rejected I feel myself getting down on myself. I opened up my "Jesus Calling" book and read today's devotional and it reminded me that my worth is determined by what God says about me.

I am beautiful. I am kind. I am good-hearted. I am wise. I am worth knowing. I am worth loving. I am to be treasured because ultimately I AM HIS. Mark knew this and treated me as such. I do feel alone but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not. Maybe for now but not forever.

Rough Nights

July 18, 2017 at 7:57 am

Since seeing my love in my dream I've had a few rough days. And nights. Especially nights. I almost called in to work today. I actually talked to my boss last night and said I wanted to stay home today. I just wanted to stay in bed with my head under the covers and cry into my pillow. I'm entitled to that every now and then.

Instead of sleeping the day away my internal alarm clock woke me up at 6 am as usual and I talked to God to decide what to do. Papa God said to get my butt up. So I did.

Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. That's what I did.

Grace is new every day and joy comes in the morning so I got my butt up and showed up to work. Then I showed up for my first client, and the next client, and the next client, until the day was done. That's the plan for tomorrow too.

Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. Repeat.

Dream Visitations

July 17, 2017 at 8:15 am

I cried in my sleep this morning. My love came to visit me. I woke up around 5 am to go to the bathroom, checked the clock on my phone and realized I still had a couple hours of sleep, so I got back in bed and fell back asleep. Then he was there.

He knelt down by the bed and stroked my hair. I could feel his fingertips on my face and neck and through my hair. He got in bed and laid next to me and he was right there, so close to me. I held his face in my hands and could feel and see his salt & pepper hair and feel his skin. He just stared at me and spoke to me with his eyes. His lips didn't move but I could hear his words. He said, "I'm here. I don't come around a lot, only during this time, because THIS was our time. This was our thing (him stroking my hair in the early morning hours). I love you." I kissed him and I could feel his sweet kiss, his soft lips, and I could feel the tears falling. I knew I was sleeping because the tears were streaming from my closed eyes. I knew I was dreaming. Then he got up and walked away. He was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans and as he walked away I chased after him, sobbing and begging him not to leave again. Then I woke up.

Oh God I miss that man! It was bittersweet to have that dream. I love that I got to hold him and kiss him but I hated to see him go again. My heart was breaking all day and I'd been doing so good. It felt like the day after all over again. After Mark passed I felt closer to God but so distant from my husband. In an instant he was gone. Just like that... gone. I didn't feel him around, see any signs that he was near or watching over me, it wasn't like the movies. He was just gone. Then this happened. It's beautiful and amazing but it definitely ripped the wound open again. But I'll live with my heart cut open if it means knowing my love is in heaven watching over me.

I came across this picture and it holds new meaning now. He posted this on my Facebook wall back in 2009. I must've been out of town and he was telling me that he missed me. Now when I read it I picture him telling me this from that side of heaven. I miss him so much and I wish I was there too. I will be and I can't wait until the day when I can see him and hold him again.

The Good Wife

I was a good wife. I was his best friend. I was his confidant, his wise counsel, his encourager. I prayed for him daily, sometimes multiple times a day depending on what we were going through. I was praying for him the night he passed. I was a good wife.

I lifted him up, led him, tried to protect him. I spoke truth in love to him even though he didn't always want to hear it. I was his helper. I helped him raise his daughter. I helped him relate to his mother. I helped him pursue better opportunities career wise. I was a good wife.

Marriage is a process of sanctification. God uses your spouse to stretch you and mold you and teach you about yourself, each other, and bring you closer to Him. It's the most trying and beautiful experience, aside from purposeful parenting. It's what I always strived to do, to honor God and honor my husband through the ups and downs.

I wasn't perfect. No one is. I failed him a time or two. I hurt him, made him cry, brought him to his knees... we both did. We came to the brink, on the verge of divorce, but we found our strength in the Lord and held onto each other and pushed and pulled our way through it.

When I lost my focus and strayed from my faith he picked me up and brought me back to the Lord. He helped me find myself again. He loved me like Jesus and I will never forget that. I spent my time trying to be a good wife to him.

This is what I was made for... to be a good mother and wife. To minister to my family and lead them to Christ. To train up my son to be a humble, honest, wise man of God who will eventually be a good husband and father. To minister to my husband and lead him to have a deeper relationship with the Lord. To show grace and love and forgiveness to my family.

My biggest mission, more important than my work or other relationships, was this mission. I want God to look at me when my day comes and say, "Good job, good and faithful one." I tried. Everyday I tried. Some days were harder than others but I never lost hope. I never gave up on him. I was a good wife.

Now I'm a widow. I have a lot to offer and I feel like I'm wasting it away now. I still minister to my son and pour myself into my work and kiddos with special needs. I pour myself into other women at church. I pour myself into my church, volunteering as often as I can. But my calling to be a good wife is... gone? I was a good wife! How do you go from being a wife to being alone? I used to belong to someone. He cherished me, valued me, respected me. And it was mutual. He was mine and I was his and now I'm no one's. My heart longs to love and be loved. Not to replace him or because I can't be alone, but because I am a good wife! It's what I was called to do. At least that's how I feel.

I was called to be a good wife and a good mother and to minister to those with special needs. I'm fulfilling my calling in every other aspect except for this one area now and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to wait but I'm forced to.

My prayers over time have changed. During our marriage I prayed for my husband: for his health, his job demands, his character, his decisions, his battles with his demons, his ability to be a good husband & father, his safety, his soul. The night he passed (before I knew for sure) I prayed for him to either be okay or be taken quickly and without suffering. I prayed for God to have mercy on him. I prayed for his soul. I prayed for his journey home. Then I've been praying for myself and the kids: for strength for this new journey, for peace & comfort, for wisdom and guidance with all the decisions, for forgiveness for all the ugliness that grief brings out of people. God has answered my prayers time and time again and has done it in a way that is visible, palpable to me so I can discern His hand in everything.

Now I pray for patience. I'm fine on my own. I'm busy with work, I find joy each day, I have great friends and family to hang out with, I love my job and my kiddos  (clients), I'm a great mom, I pay my own bills and support myself and my son with my head held high. I don't NEED a man in a codependent, I'm lonely and trying to fill the void kind of way. If he's not a good man I'm better off without him and I have no problem waiting... but then again I do. I've never been a patient person, especially in a case like this where I went from being a good wife to being no one's helper overnight.

So I pray for patience and I pray for God to send me a good, Godly man who understands grief and loss. A man who won't be intimidated by my love for my husband but will be inspired by it. A man who will lift me up and be my helper like I will be to him. The way Mark and I were together. I'm not trying to recreate things or replace him. No one can replace him, ever. I just want a helper and to be a helper to a good man. I want to fulfill this ministry again. I'm horrible at waiting. I want to be a good wife again someday. Because I already was. I was a good wife.