Forgiveness

Last week’s sermon was on forgiveness. We read the book of Philemon and learned about God’s grace and forgiveness and our duty as Christians to forgive. We know this, right? Well the action step for us last week was to seek forgiveness from others.  I’ve done a pretty good job of that along the course of my life. I even asked my ex for forgiveness a year AFTER we divorced, when I was finally ready. The only person I felt I needed forgiveness from is no longer here to forgive me. So I prayed about it and I talked to friends and decided to write my Mark a letter, seeking his forgiveness. It’s stuff I already talked to him about during those first days and months after his passing. I’ve asked for his forgiveness over and over since January 6th but I keep asking. Maybe it’s me who needs to forgive myself. OOH REVELATION!!!

Anyway this week’s sermon was on forgiving others.  I knew this sermon was coming so I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what would be asked of me. As a Christian I know what I’m supposed to do, but as a person, a woman who lost her husband to drinking and driving, I wasn’t prepared to forgive yet. Immediately after the accident, within the first two or three days, I reached out to his friends that he was with him that night and told them it wasn’t their fault and that he wouldn’t want them to blame themselves. I said all this, and I meant it, but I didn’t realize at the time that I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, on his behalf basically.

After the funeral I felt myself becoming more angry with them. They were his best friends,  they were supposed to look out for him. I felt like they influenced him in a negative way and they didn’t support his growth, our marriage, or me as his wife who only wanted the best for him. I was always made into the bad guy, the nagging wife, the ball and chain, trying to act like his mama or rain on his parade. Over the years they called me names, said I was stuck up for not wanting to be a part of that scene, said I was trying to change him.  Maybe I was in a sense. I was trying to help him change the bad parts and grow into the best version of himself, the man I always knew he could be.

I have been harboring bitterness and unforgiveness towards them since the accident. Not once have they reached out to me, no text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook texts or messages. They haven’t stopped by to check on us or to see him, his urn, his memorial. I will admit that I unfriended them on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see their lives going on when mine had been ruined, the love of my life so quickly and drastically taken away. It was too hard and I was bitter. Over the course of this year I have felt myself working through all the emotions associated with grief and loss. I’m processing everything and learning how to live again. I’m learning how to let go of regret, all the shoulda, coulda, woulda‘s from that night. I feel myself getting closer to being able to forgive them.

So after the sermon this week I met with the pastor and asked, “How do I know when I’m there? How do I know when I’m ready to actually say the words to them, I forgive you.”  I’m past the anger stage and the bitterness stage, and I don’t wish anything bad on them nor do I want to seek revenge. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I pray for them. But does that mean I’m ready to forgive them?  And if so, how do I do that? What do I say? What does that mean as far as a relationship goes? Do we have to be friends? My pastor said that my obligation as a Christian who has been forgiven is to forgive those who have sinned against me and to seek reconciliation but it’s okay to have boundaries.  He said that I should just pray about it and ask God to make it clear to me what I am to do. He challenged me to pray for them every day this week.

This morning as I was on my way to work I was talking to God, like I normally do. I prayed for them this morning and then I asked God how I was supposed to make this happen. How can I forgive them after they encouraged him and directly caused his excessive drinking that night which caused the accident?  I know he was a grown man, no one had to force him to drink, he did it to himself, but he was a social drinker. He was the life of the party and everybody loved “Good Time Mark.” Nobody stood in his way over the years. Nobody told him enough was enough. Nobody reminded him that he had a good thing at home and he needed to go home instead of the bar. I asked God “How can I fogive them when they were part of the problem?” And right then and there he put it on my heart. I heard him say, “How could they help him when they can’t even help themselves in that area? Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I remember Christ on the cross pleading to God to forgive those that were crucifying him, AS they were crucifying him. It was during this conversation with God this morning that I realized, they may have been part of the problem but they are battling the same demons that he was, caught in the same parterns. No wonder they never spoke truth to him, they don’t know it for themselves. But when you know better, you do better. So I acknowledged that I heard him loud and clear and said “OK Lord you’ve told me what I need to do, now lead me to do it and give me the words.”

I went about my day and rushed from work to my grief share meeting after work.  I already completed the grief share program at the beginning of the year but I’m going through it a second time just because it helps. But because this is my second go-round, my attendance has been spotty. I’ve only gone to about three meetings. I am in a better place now and I don’t need it as much as I did during the initial weeks and months. I hadn’t been to a grief share meeting in the last three weeks but decided that today I was going to go. I walked in and wouldn’t you know the seminar was about forgiveness. Again, “OK Lord I hear you loud and clear.” So I’m certain I know what I need to do.

I came home and wrote a letter to Mark and asked for forgiveness for all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed him, especially that night. And then I forgave him for leaving me, for choosing his friends and the party lifestyle over me sometimes, for letting his demons control his behavior sometimes. I forgive him for everything because I love him. And then I told him what I would say to his friends, given the opportunity. I’m going to try to reach out to them. They may hang up on me or slam the door in my face, but I feel like they need to hear it from me that I forgive them and that I understand. I understand that they didn’t mean for it to happen and that if they could take it all back they would because they loved him too. I know how bad it hurts and how heavily guilt weighs on your shoulders. I know the burden that they’re bearing. I’m telling them to lay it down. I wish things could’ve been different but they’re not and they are not completely to blame and I realize that now. I recognize the struggles that they face: the same struggles he did, and now the struggle for peace, the struggle with guilt, the struggle for forgiveness. I see them, I feel their pain, I hear their hearts, & I forgive them.

If you’re reading this... I forgive you. Mark loved you and I love you. Don’t let him go in vain. When you know better, you do better. Do better. Live better. Love harder. Try harder. Do better. It’s all we can do, just try to do better every day and be obedient to our Father in Heaven. I’m trying and I hope you’ll accept my forgiveness and live free in the grace and peace that only comes from knowing Him and walking with Him. I’m free and I’m forgiven and now I forgive you.

Much love,

Cassi

Be the Good

July 28, 2017

"What if instead of waiting for good enough things to happen to us, we could be the the good thing to happen to someone else who's waiting?" ~ Ann Voskamp

I attended a fundraiser for Special Olympics of Texas and gave financially to the cause. I see the way Special Olympics positively impacts our kids. They are so proud of themselves when they practice and perform and the families are so proud as well. It's a cause close to my heart and I'm blessed with a good job so that I'm able to give back with my talents, my time, and my treasure.

I'm happy to help and be the good thing to happen to someone else.

Broken and Blessed

July 27, 2017

If your cup is empty, don't try frantically to fill it back up. Pour it out and let God fill it back up. It works. I'm poured out. I'm completely empty today and yet so full at the same time!

When I lost my husband I was given a book from a friend at work. This book has been my saving grace. I LOVE IT! It's my new favorite book. It's all about living your best life and giving your best regardless of the circumstances or the hand you've been dealt. It has a beautiful message and it's beautifully written. If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.

Since Mark moved to heaven I've been pouring myself out, volunteering, giving financially, etc. So far I've bought backpacks and school supplies for a preK, kinder, 1st, & 6th grader, on top of clothes and school supplies for my own 8th grade boy. I've been blessed with the ability to make a living doing what I love so that I can provide for myself and my son independently, now that Mark moved to heaven. The life insurance was rolled into a secured account and hasn't been touched. And I'm making wise decisions with my money. We live modestly and have everything we need so I give back when and where I can. It's not mine anyway, it's HIS and I'm honoring Him with my time & treasures. If He can get it THROUGH you He will get it TO you. 

If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.

Backpack Buddies

I sponsored a couple kids through church to buy school supplies for. I bought backpacks and school supplies and prayed for them each day. In addition to praying over their supplies I chose to write my prayers down since my kiddo is a 6th grader. Sixth grade is a highly influential time so I wanted him to know how loved and prayed for he is. I wanted to help lead him on the right path.

Day 1: "Dear Friend, Sixth grade is new and exciting and sometimes a little overwhelming. I pray that you will take this new beginning to make the most of yourself - your talents, your reputation, and your friendships. Choose your friends wisely and make smart choices. I pray that you will surround yourself with people that don't just want to have fun with you but want to look out for you and achieve things and grow with you. Have a great year!" (Read Proverbs 22:1 and Ecclesiastes 4:12)

Day 2: "Dear Friend, I know this is a time in your life when you want to do more, have more freedom, be your own person. You're growing into a young man now. Just be careful what you focus on or who you look up to. Not everything that glitters is gold. Whatever you give your time and attention to most will lead your life. Make sure to find a strong, smart, confident man to be your role model and guide you. I pray that you will be led by great men and women."

Day 3: "Dear Friend, The choices you make are like bricks of pavement on the road. They pave the way for your life. Make good choices, see good rewards. Make bad choices and your road will take you places you will regret and you don't want to go. I pray that you will make healthy choices and have friends that will help you make good choices."

Day 4: "Dear Friend, Your family is your core, your backbone. I know sometimes families fight and things aren't always roses and rainbows but they've got your back. Be loyal - don't turn your back on them. I pray that your family will be there for you and lead you to live the best life, that they will seek God during the hard times and come to Him with questions or frustrations. He can handle it. I pray that you always know you can turn to family with anything - don't struggle alone."

Day 5: "Dear Friend, Your life is now beginning. You're getting older and doing a little more on your own. The school work will be harder, mom/dad won't be there to remind you about projects due - you have to remember everything. This is just the beginning, especially if you want to go to college. I pray that you don't give up when things get tough. That's when you dig in and dig deeper inside yourself and give it your all and find what you're truly made of. You got this! I pray for your perseverance and for you to have a spirit of hope."

Day 6: "Dear Friend, You probably already know by now that happiness comes and goes. Not everyday is a good day but there is good in every day. Sometimes you just have to look for it. I pray that you will find joy in every day, even the hard ones. Find something to be thankful for. When you look for the positive in life your good days outnumber your bad days. You can't have a positive life with a negative attitude. Have an attitude of gratitude and #choosejoy."

Day 7: "Dear Friend, This is my last note. I hope you have enjoyed the letters of encouragement and the school supplies. The last thing I hope for you is the most important - I pray you will always turn to God and grow in your relationship with Him. He's not just some invisible being in the sky. He is real. I know because I have experienced His working in my life in ways that are too coincidental to be anything else BUT GOD. He is real and he hears every prayer, every thought. Talk to him, even if they are short prayers. I pray/talk to him in the car, in the shower and if I can't sleep at night. You don't have to pray special prayers or words, just tell him what's on your heart. Pray when you need help with decisions, pray when you're sad, pray to give thanks, pray without ceasing. The more you talk to him and wait for him to show you what to do (listen) the closer y'all will be, just like any relationship. Go with God and grow with God. Lots of love!"

Finished praying for my #backpackbuddies If you can, please consider blessing some kiddos in your community as we gear up for another school year. #bts #bethelight