What’s Heaven Like?

When someone you love dies you think about all kinds of philosophical things like heaven and hell and life after death. I have my own theory about what happens for believers after death. I know the Bible tells us that for believers they close their eyes in this life and wake up in the next. It’s instant. However I don’t think they are instantly with Jesus. 

I feel like we are all on a path to Jesus. Some of us are more towards the front of the line, those that are holier than thou (think Mother Teresa, upright and righteous pastors and priests, etc.). Then there are those of us who are making our way to Jesus and we’re on the path but we’re not at the level of spiritual leaders. And some are just beginning our journey of faith. Some have just started the walk and rely on those of us who are a little further ahead to reach back and extend our hands to help them along the way or offer encouraging words. And then there are those who have gotten off the path completely and either got lost and discouraged or refuse to believe in God. Everyone is at a different place in line but all heading towards the same direction and those that are off the path may not make it there at all. We know that part is true based on what the Bible says.  14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.(Matthew 7:13-14)

My theory is that it’s the same on the other side of the veil. When someone dies they’re just on the other side starting their journey to Jesus. The Bible tells us we are greeted by familiar faces when we die so I imagine those that have preceded us in death recently are there waiting to greet us. They’re closer to where we are on the journey. Those that have passed a long time ago are further along the path and may not be there to greet us. I think when we pass we don’t have direct, immediate access to Jesus or Mary or the disciples because they are the holiest of holy and we are baby angels just making our way. I think we can hear his voice and know his presence and communicate and commune with other angels to constantly worship him but we’re not at his feet or his right hand yet. 

It makes sense then that when someone you love and are close to passes you pick up on signs from them. Sure it could be coincidence but I don’t think so. I think they’re “Godwinks” or winks from loved ones in Heaven, just on the other side of the sheer curtain. I think as they make their way closer to Jesus they slowly fade from our realm and the signs and winks eventually stop which helps us in the letting go process too. 

I may be really wrong. There’s no way to know what Heaven is like without actually going. I can’t wait for my day to come. I will be running to Jesus so don’t be offended if I don’t stick around to give you a sign. Actually I think that may be the case for my Gabe. I feel like he gave me a sign last night but I’m not sure how many more I’ll get because if I know Gabe I know he’s on the other side and he is not holding back, he is running to Jesus. I’d do the same thing. 

So again, I may be wrong, but I may be right! Those of you who are more knowledgeable of the Bible give me some feedback. These are just random thoughts since I don’t sleep much these days and my other half lives in Heaven now. I can only imagine what it’s like. 

He did it again

Gosh I hadn’t blogged in a long time. There’s tons to catch up on so I figure I’ll start at the beginning and fill in the timeline as we go on this journey together. If you’re new let me catch you up to speed. 

I started this blog, “Shaken, not Stirred,” a few years ago after I lost my husband Mark. I was 34, he was 36, and it was very sudden and tragic and in my deepest, darkest grief I heard a quiet voice say, “Be a lighthouse.” So I did. I shared my testimonies, trials, and triumphs through social media. If you want to read more of his backstory and that experience you can read through old blogs. 

I got to the point in my widowhood journey that I had quit TRYING to find someone to bring me peace and joy and I found it in God, in friends, in nature. And then it happened. One night while I was out dancing with my girlfriends a sweet and charming man walked straight towards me and introduced himself. He seemed familiar but I couldn’t place him so I was polite and made small talk and then spent the next 10 minutes talking to my friend Natalie trying to figure out how I knew him. I remembered that we had 1 class together back in high school, my sophomore year/his senior year. Wow! How did he remember me? I went to sit with my friends and a couple songs later there he was. He walked right up to me, put out his hand, and asked me to dance. We danced and talked while we danced and by the time I knew it 3 songs had gone by and I was inviting him to church the next morning. Right there on the dance floor! I would go back to sit with my friends and he would come back, hold out his hand without saying a word, and I’d get up and go dance with him again. It felt so natural, like he was my new home. By the end of the night we danced to “Sangria” by Blake Shelton and had our first kiss right there on the dance floor. He walked me to my car and gave me a kiss goodnight and I felt butterflies! I got home and he called me to make sure I made it home and we talked on the phone until after 4am. 

I woke up the next morning and got ready for church and seriously doubted he would show up. We had been up all night and honestly, most men I had been on dates with were either flaky, deceitful, or would just give breadcrumbs and lead me on without actually being fully interested or invested. I told myself ‘if he comes, great, but if not it’s no biggie.’ Well I pulled into the parking lot and he texted me asking where he could find me in church. OMG he came! I walk in and stood in the gathering area and in he walks with his church shoes on and his tattered Bible in hand and my heart jumped for joy because THIS was the man I had been praying for. He was respectful and kind, he was a man of God, and he was honest and committed even from the beginning. He didn’t play games with my heart, he said what he meant and meant what he said. He was a man of integrity I already knew it. We went to church and then had lunch together and our relationship took off at warp speed. 

Gabe and I met on March 22, 2019. By June we took our first out of state vacation together, and by August we were engaged. We planned a big, beautiful wedding together, I did all the decorating DIY, and he baked our wedding cake! We got married on January 25, 2020. We were married 1.5 years and made so many memories together. We blended our families together and our teenagers really hit it off, his girls and my boy are all within 1-2 years of each other. We were busy and blessed and so happy! We cherished every single second. 

And then he died. 

I’m still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that God gave me everything I had been praying for and then in such a short time he was taken back home to heaven, leaving me and the kids here to mourn and figure out life without him. I don’t understand. Gabe was SUCH a good man, the most selfless man I’ll ever know. He was a big man with a big personality and an even bigger heart. He was never sick. He never stopped moving and doing stuff for others. But one day he ran across someone with Covid and he got it and it hit him hard and fast. 

He got sick over the 4th of July weekend and by July 7th he was in the ER and he was intubated on July 8th. That was the last time we spoke. His last words to me were “I love you so much. Take care of my girls” and I told him I loved him so SO much and not to worry about us, I would take care of them and we would be okay he just needs to rest and get better. He was on the ventilator for 18 days with no improvement to his lungs. We prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle, for God to heal him even just a little bit, just enough for the doctors to be able to do their work and help him get better! We prayed day and night, in private and in public prayer vigils. The whole town was praying with us. We had people praying from all over the US and even some friends in Germany were praying with us. God HAD to hear us! Gabe was a faithful man. A righteous man of God. I have strong faith. He HAD to hear us, right? 

I spent the last night with him in the ICU and was in worship and prayer all night long. I prayed without ceasing. I read scripture to him, I prayed over him, and I told anybody who came to work with him that I wanted them to pray while they worked on him. Any hands that touched him had to be channeling God to him that night. 

My prayer focus shifted that night. I knew we were at the end of our road and as much as I wanted God to spare him I knew that He may not. I’ve been down this road before and I know that sometimes our plans don’t line up with God’s plans for whatever reason. I don’t know the reason nor do I understand nor do I like it but I had to accept it regardless of how it turned out for us. My prayer focus shifted to, “Please God heal him in this life or the next, please God give us peace, please God be with my husband.” I continued to pray for miracle healing up until he took his last breath but I also prayed for God’s will to be done and for grace for us who are left behind missing him. 

My husband Gabe passed away on Sunday July 25, 2021 surrounded by family. I don’t know how I’m going to do this again but I know I have to. I know I have to be okay for his girls. I promised him. And I have to be okay for my son who’s already lost one stepdad and is now having to lose another whom he loved SO MUCH and was so grateful to have in our lives. I can’t believe lightning has struck twice and that I’m widowed again and I’m not even 40 yet. It’s almost unheard of, I’ve lost two husbands in less than 5 years. I can’t help but question God and ask why He would bring this beautiful man into my life only to take him away. God he was such a blessing! I’ll never understand, maybe it’s not for me to understand. Maybe I just have to trust and keep walking forward. So I’m walking forward, it feels like I’m walking through mud but I’m walking. I’m praying for peace and purpose. There’s GOTTA be a purpose for the pain! I just don’t understand. I keep reminding myself that God is good and He works all things together for our good. Even this. Even now. God remind me. 

Forgiveness

Last week’s sermon was on forgiveness. We read the book of Philemon and learned about God’s grace and forgiveness and our duty as Christians to forgive. We know this, right? Well the action step for us last week was to seek forgiveness from others.  I’ve done a pretty good job of that along the course of my life. I even asked my ex for forgiveness a year AFTER we divorced, when I was finally ready. The only person I felt I needed forgiveness from is no longer here to forgive me. So I prayed about it and I talked to friends and decided to write my Mark a letter, seeking his forgiveness. It’s stuff I already talked to him about during those first days and months after his passing. I’ve asked for his forgiveness over and over since January 6th but I keep asking. Maybe it’s me who needs to forgive myself. OOH REVELATION!!!

Anyway this week’s sermon was on forgiving others.  I knew this sermon was coming so I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what would be asked of me. As a Christian I know what I’m supposed to do, but as a person, a woman who lost her husband to drinking and driving, I wasn’t prepared to forgive yet. Immediately after the accident, within the first two or three days, I reached out to his friends that he was with him that night and told them it wasn’t their fault and that he wouldn’t want them to blame themselves. I said all this, and I meant it, but I didn’t realize at the time that I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, on his behalf basically.

After the funeral I felt myself becoming more angry with them. They were his best friends,  they were supposed to look out for him. I felt like they influenced him in a negative way and they didn’t support his growth, our marriage, or me as his wife who only wanted the best for him. I was always made into the bad guy, the nagging wife, the ball and chain, trying to act like his mama or rain on his parade. Over the years they called me names, said I was stuck up for not wanting to be a part of that scene, said I was trying to change him.  Maybe I was in a sense. I was trying to help him change the bad parts and grow into the best version of himself, the man I always knew he could be.

I have been harboring bitterness and unforgiveness towards them since the accident. Not once have they reached out to me, no text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook texts or messages. They haven’t stopped by to check on us or to see him, his urn, his memorial. I will admit that I unfriended them on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see their lives going on when mine had been ruined, the love of my life so quickly and drastically taken away. It was too hard and I was bitter. Over the course of this year I have felt myself working through all the emotions associated with grief and loss. I’m processing everything and learning how to live again. I’m learning how to let go of regret, all the shoulda, coulda, woulda‘s from that night. I feel myself getting closer to being able to forgive them.

So after the sermon this week I met with the pastor and asked, “How do I know when I’m there? How do I know when I’m ready to actually say the words to them, I forgive you.”  I’m past the anger stage and the bitterness stage, and I don’t wish anything bad on them nor do I want to seek revenge. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I pray for them. But does that mean I’m ready to forgive them?  And if so, how do I do that? What do I say? What does that mean as far as a relationship goes? Do we have to be friends? My pastor said that my obligation as a Christian who has been forgiven is to forgive those who have sinned against me and to seek reconciliation but it’s okay to have boundaries.  He said that I should just pray about it and ask God to make it clear to me what I am to do. He challenged me to pray for them every day this week.

This morning as I was on my way to work I was talking to God, like I normally do. I prayed for them this morning and then I asked God how I was supposed to make this happen. How can I forgive them after they encouraged him and directly caused his excessive drinking that night which caused the accident?  I know he was a grown man, no one had to force him to drink, he did it to himself, but he was a social drinker. He was the life of the party and everybody loved “Good Time Mark.” Nobody stood in his way over the years. Nobody told him enough was enough. Nobody reminded him that he had a good thing at home and he needed to go home instead of the bar. I asked God “How can I fogive them when they were part of the problem?” And right then and there he put it on my heart. I heard him say, “How could they help him when they can’t even help themselves in that area? Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I remember Christ on the cross pleading to God to forgive those that were crucifying him, AS they were crucifying him. It was during this conversation with God this morning that I realized, they may have been part of the problem but they are battling the same demons that he was, caught in the same parterns. No wonder they never spoke truth to him, they don’t know it for themselves. But when you know better, you do better. So I acknowledged that I heard him loud and clear and said “OK Lord you’ve told me what I need to do, now lead me to do it and give me the words.”

I went about my day and rushed from work to my grief share meeting after work.  I already completed the grief share program at the beginning of the year but I’m going through it a second time just because it helps. But because this is my second go-round, my attendance has been spotty. I’ve only gone to about three meetings. I am in a better place now and I don’t need it as much as I did during the initial weeks and months. I hadn’t been to a grief share meeting in the last three weeks but decided that today I was going to go. I walked in and wouldn’t you know the seminar was about forgiveness. Again, “OK Lord I hear you loud and clear.” So I’m certain I know what I need to do.

I came home and wrote a letter to Mark and asked for forgiveness for all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed him, especially that night. And then I forgave him for leaving me, for choosing his friends and the party lifestyle over me sometimes, for letting his demons control his behavior sometimes. I forgive him for everything because I love him. And then I told him what I would say to his friends, given the opportunity. I’m going to try to reach out to them. They may hang up on me or slam the door in my face, but I feel like they need to hear it from me that I forgive them and that I understand. I understand that they didn’t mean for it to happen and that if they could take it all back they would because they loved him too. I know how bad it hurts and how heavily guilt weighs on your shoulders. I know the burden that they’re bearing. I’m telling them to lay it down. I wish things could’ve been different but they’re not and they are not completely to blame and I realize that now. I recognize the struggles that they face: the same struggles he did, and now the struggle for peace, the struggle with guilt, the struggle for forgiveness. I see them, I feel their pain, I hear their hearts, & I forgive them.

If you’re reading this... I forgive you. Mark loved you and I love you. Don’t let him go in vain. When you know better, you do better. Do better. Live better. Love harder. Try harder. Do better. It’s all we can do, just try to do better every day and be obedient to our Father in Heaven. I’m trying and I hope you’ll accept my forgiveness and live free in the grace and peace that only comes from knowing Him and walking with Him. I’m free and I’m forgiven and now I forgive you.

Much love,

Cassi

Hugs from Heaven

I've been documenting this year. The good, the bad, & the ugly. One day I'll look back at these pictures and posts and feel... strong? Empowered? Favored? I'm not really sure what I'll feel but I never want to forget the journey. I'll never forget the pain, that's for sure. 

Today has been a rough day. I'm not exactly sure why. I felt great yesterday and this morning when I woke up I just felt... different. The lump in my throat was big. The weight on my shoulders, heavy. I showered to wash it off and go to work as normal but I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried to get breakfast, thinking maybe if I had something to eat and some coffee I'd feel better, but it was hard to swallow with the lump in my throat. I reached out to a friend and said, "I just need a hug," and the minute I hit send a coworker walked in and asked if she could give me a hug. What?!? I'm not making this up. She hugged me and said she just felt like I needed a hug. I broke down crying and she just held me and prayed over me. 

How fast was that?! I needed a hug and I got one immediately after making my needs known. And they kept coming all day long. Multiple coworkers hugged me and held me and prayed over me as they could see I was having a hard day. My heart, though sad and broken open today, was so full! I laughed through the tears and in between crying spells. I left work at 2, so thankful to be going home early. Instead of going home I went to church to sit in the prayer room as I often do. 

I've gone to the church prayer room many times. The only way in and out during the week is through the office. The office staff knows me because I frequently come and go. I wave when I'm coming in and they wave back from behind their desks and we usually exchange friendly niceties as I walk through the office to get to the prayer room. Every time it's no different. Until today. Today I walked through to office doors as usual but the office secretary met me in the foyer with open arms. She hugged me and I fell apart again and she just held me together as I fell to pieces again. How did she know? I wasn't crying. I had gotten it together while driving over there. Why did she come in the foyer to welcome me instead of being in her office as usual? How did she anticipate my needs before I walked in the door??

I held on tight and caught my breath and made my way to the prayer room. I sat at the foot of the cross and cried some more, and prayed, and listened to music, and read the Bible until I fell asleep for a few minutes. My alarm woke me and I needed to go pick up Bub from swim practice so I gathered my wits and my strength and headed back out into the world. 

I don't know why things happen. I ask and ask and ask but as faithful as God is, He hasn't given me any answers. But He has been there for me though it all. He's proven yet again that he sees me and hears me and he's listening and meeting my needs. My faith was getting weak. I was getting tired again. Grief and mourning is exhausting. I had started questioning WHY. Why did He take him? Why did my husband get to live a fun and carefree life and get to go Home while I (the thinker, planner, devout one) am left here to run this marathon of a race alone? Why does he get to go home and I don't yet? I had started to get homesick and was saying things like, 'I just want to go Home. I don't want to be here anymore. Why didn't you take me?' 

It's completely vulnerable and a little embarrassing to admit but it's the truth and I've always said I'd be transparent. This is me. This is grief. This is my life right now. There are good days and bad days. The good have started to outnumber the bad but the bad days still knock the wind out of me and leave my heart cut open. But thankfully, today, I had lots of hugs to hold me together. Thank you friends. Thank you God. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Love and hugs to you all. 

Lead Me to Lead

On this day in 2013 I read my "Jesus Calling" devotional and prayed that God would lead me to lead others. I admitted that I struggle with teaching others to follow Jesus. I have a very quiet and humble spirit, I'm not very evangelical in the "in your face" sense. I prayed that He would help me to do his will and lead me to lead others.

"I SPEAK TO YOU from deepest heaven. You hear Me in the depths of your being. Deep calls unto deep. You are blessed to hear Me so directly. Never take this privilege for granted. The best response is a heart overflowing with gratitude. I am training you to cultivate a thankful mind-set. This is like building your house on a firm rock, where life's storms cannot shake you. As you learn these lessons you are to teach them to others. I will open up the way before you, one step at a time." (Psalm 42:7; Psalm 95:1-2; Matthew 7:24-25)

Well... He did. I've been told that I'm leading others to Christ through my testimony and I'm leading others through grief and loss and pain as well. I prayed that He would show me how and He did. He gave me a platform and gives me the words. This is more proof that He listens and answers prayers.