Forgiveness

Last week’s sermon was on forgiveness. We read the book of Philemon and learned about God’s grace and forgiveness and our duty as Christians to forgive. We know this, right? Well the action step for us last week was to seek forgiveness from others.  I’ve done a pretty good job of that along the course of my life. I even asked my ex for forgiveness a year AFTER we divorced, when I was finally ready. The only person I felt I needed forgiveness from is no longer here to forgive me. So I prayed about it and I talked to friends and decided to write my Mark a letter, seeking his forgiveness. It’s stuff I already talked to him about during those first days and months after his passing. I’ve asked for his forgiveness over and over since January 6th but I keep asking. Maybe it’s me who needs to forgive myself. OOH REVELATION!!!

Anyway this week’s sermon was on forgiving others.  I knew this sermon was coming so I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what would be asked of me. As a Christian I know what I’m supposed to do, but as a person, a woman who lost her husband to drinking and driving, I wasn’t prepared to forgive yet. Immediately after the accident, within the first two or three days, I reached out to his friends that he was with him that night and told them it wasn’t their fault and that he wouldn’t want them to blame themselves. I said all this, and I meant it, but I didn’t realize at the time that I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, on his behalf basically.

After the funeral I felt myself becoming more angry with them. They were his best friends,  they were supposed to look out for him. I felt like they influenced him in a negative way and they didn’t support his growth, our marriage, or me as his wife who only wanted the best for him. I was always made into the bad guy, the nagging wife, the ball and chain, trying to act like his mama or rain on his parade. Over the years they called me names, said I was stuck up for not wanting to be a part of that scene, said I was trying to change him.  Maybe I was in a sense. I was trying to help him change the bad parts and grow into the best version of himself, the man I always knew he could be.

I have been harboring bitterness and unforgiveness towards them since the accident. Not once have they reached out to me, no text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook texts or messages. They haven’t stopped by to check on us or to see him, his urn, his memorial. I will admit that I unfriended them on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see their lives going on when mine had been ruined, the love of my life so quickly and drastically taken away. It was too hard and I was bitter. Over the course of this year I have felt myself working through all the emotions associated with grief and loss. I’m processing everything and learning how to live again. I’m learning how to let go of regret, all the shoulda, coulda, woulda‘s from that night. I feel myself getting closer to being able to forgive them.

So after the sermon this week I met with the pastor and asked, “How do I know when I’m there? How do I know when I’m ready to actually say the words to them, I forgive you.”  I’m past the anger stage and the bitterness stage, and I don’t wish anything bad on them nor do I want to seek revenge. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I pray for them. But does that mean I’m ready to forgive them?  And if so, how do I do that? What do I say? What does that mean as far as a relationship goes? Do we have to be friends? My pastor said that my obligation as a Christian who has been forgiven is to forgive those who have sinned against me and to seek reconciliation but it’s okay to have boundaries.  He said that I should just pray about it and ask God to make it clear to me what I am to do. He challenged me to pray for them every day this week.

This morning as I was on my way to work I was talking to God, like I normally do. I prayed for them this morning and then I asked God how I was supposed to make this happen. How can I forgive them after they encouraged him and directly caused his excessive drinking that night which caused the accident?  I know he was a grown man, no one had to force him to drink, he did it to himself, but he was a social drinker. He was the life of the party and everybody loved “Good Time Mark.” Nobody stood in his way over the years. Nobody told him enough was enough. Nobody reminded him that he had a good thing at home and he needed to go home instead of the bar. I asked God “How can I fogive them when they were part of the problem?” And right then and there he put it on my heart. I heard him say, “How could they help him when they can’t even help themselves in that area? Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I remember Christ on the cross pleading to God to forgive those that were crucifying him, AS they were crucifying him. It was during this conversation with God this morning that I realized, they may have been part of the problem but they are battling the same demons that he was, caught in the same parterns. No wonder they never spoke truth to him, they don’t know it for themselves. But when you know better, you do better. So I acknowledged that I heard him loud and clear and said “OK Lord you’ve told me what I need to do, now lead me to do it and give me the words.”

I went about my day and rushed from work to my grief share meeting after work.  I already completed the grief share program at the beginning of the year but I’m going through it a second time just because it helps. But because this is my second go-round, my attendance has been spotty. I’ve only gone to about three meetings. I am in a better place now and I don’t need it as much as I did during the initial weeks and months. I hadn’t been to a grief share meeting in the last three weeks but decided that today I was going to go. I walked in and wouldn’t you know the seminar was about forgiveness. Again, “OK Lord I hear you loud and clear.” So I’m certain I know what I need to do.

I came home and wrote a letter to Mark and asked for forgiveness for all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed him, especially that night. And then I forgave him for leaving me, for choosing his friends and the party lifestyle over me sometimes, for letting his demons control his behavior sometimes. I forgive him for everything because I love him. And then I told him what I would say to his friends, given the opportunity. I’m going to try to reach out to them. They may hang up on me or slam the door in my face, but I feel like they need to hear it from me that I forgive them and that I understand. I understand that they didn’t mean for it to happen and that if they could take it all back they would because they loved him too. I know how bad it hurts and how heavily guilt weighs on your shoulders. I know the burden that they’re bearing. I’m telling them to lay it down. I wish things could’ve been different but they’re not and they are not completely to blame and I realize that now. I recognize the struggles that they face: the same struggles he did, and now the struggle for peace, the struggle with guilt, the struggle for forgiveness. I see them, I feel their pain, I hear their hearts, & I forgive them.

If you’re reading this... I forgive you. Mark loved you and I love you. Don’t let him go in vain. When you know better, you do better. Do better. Live better. Love harder. Try harder. Do better. It’s all we can do, just try to do better every day and be obedient to our Father in Heaven. I’m trying and I hope you’ll accept my forgiveness and live free in the grace and peace that only comes from knowing Him and walking with Him. I’m free and I’m forgiven and now I forgive you.

Much love,

Cassi

Hugs from Heaven

I've been documenting this year. The good, the bad, & the ugly. One day I'll look back at these pictures and posts and feel... strong? Empowered? Favored? I'm not really sure what I'll feel but I never want to forget the journey. I'll never forget the pain, that's for sure. 

Today has been a rough day. I'm not exactly sure why. I felt great yesterday and this morning when I woke up I just felt... different. The lump in my throat was big. The weight on my shoulders, heavy. I showered to wash it off and go to work as normal but I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried to get breakfast, thinking maybe if I had something to eat and some coffee I'd feel better, but it was hard to swallow with the lump in my throat. I reached out to a friend and said, "I just need a hug," and the minute I hit send a coworker walked in and asked if she could give me a hug. What?!? I'm not making this up. She hugged me and said she just felt like I needed a hug. I broke down crying and she just held me and prayed over me. 

How fast was that?! I needed a hug and I got one immediately after making my needs known. And they kept coming all day long. Multiple coworkers hugged me and held me and prayed over me as they could see I was having a hard day. My heart, though sad and broken open today, was so full! I laughed through the tears and in between crying spells. I left work at 2, so thankful to be going home early. Instead of going home I went to church to sit in the prayer room as I often do. 

I've gone to the church prayer room many times. The only way in and out during the week is through the office. The office staff knows me because I frequently come and go. I wave when I'm coming in and they wave back from behind their desks and we usually exchange friendly niceties as I walk through the office to get to the prayer room. Every time it's no different. Until today. Today I walked through to office doors as usual but the office secretary met me in the foyer with open arms. She hugged me and I fell apart again and she just held me together as I fell to pieces again. How did she know? I wasn't crying. I had gotten it together while driving over there. Why did she come in the foyer to welcome me instead of being in her office as usual? How did she anticipate my needs before I walked in the door??

I held on tight and caught my breath and made my way to the prayer room. I sat at the foot of the cross and cried some more, and prayed, and listened to music, and read the Bible until I fell asleep for a few minutes. My alarm woke me and I needed to go pick up Bub from swim practice so I gathered my wits and my strength and headed back out into the world. 

I don't know why things happen. I ask and ask and ask but as faithful as God is, He hasn't given me any answers. But He has been there for me though it all. He's proven yet again that he sees me and hears me and he's listening and meeting my needs. My faith was getting weak. I was getting tired again. Grief and mourning is exhausting. I had started questioning WHY. Why did He take him? Why did my husband get to live a fun and carefree life and get to go Home while I (the thinker, planner, devout one) am left here to run this marathon of a race alone? Why does he get to go home and I don't yet? I had started to get homesick and was saying things like, 'I just want to go Home. I don't want to be here anymore. Why didn't you take me?' 

It's completely vulnerable and a little embarrassing to admit but it's the truth and I've always said I'd be transparent. This is me. This is grief. This is my life right now. There are good days and bad days. The good have started to outnumber the bad but the bad days still knock the wind out of me and leave my heart cut open. But thankfully, today, I had lots of hugs to hold me together. Thank you friends. Thank you God. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Love and hugs to you all. 

My Repurposed Ring

July 28, 2017

I have to brag because I'm so stinking excited!!! My husband passed in January in a tragic car accident. He was 37. I'm 35. I wore my wedding ring for a while but it hurt when people at church or whatever would see my ring and ask, "So what does your husband do," or "Where is your husband?" I didn't want to just store it in the jewelry box and didn't feel right wearing it on my right hand. 

After much thought I decided to work with a jeweler to re-purpose it. My husband was my biggest encourager and supporter when I went through grad school and he was so proud of me when I graduated and passed my licensing boards in December, three weeks before he passed. It seems perfect that his ring would wrap around my college ring. My jeweler took the diamonds and metal to make the wrap for my Aggie ring and made earrings and a necklace pendant out of the rest of it. I am SO IN LOVE WITH IT!!! It hurt my heart a little to see it broken apart like that but I'll get so much out of it this way now. It's a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven and I'm so happy with it.

My jeweler took the diamonds and metal from my wedding band and made a ring wrap for my Aggie ring. Now I can wear both of my favorite rings in one! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! What a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven. I love that he is part of my Aggie ring forever now! Thank you to my jewler, Ken Sanders, from the bottom of my heart!

Be the Good

July 28, 2017

"What if instead of waiting for good enough things to happen to us, we could be the the good thing to happen to someone else who's waiting?" ~ Ann Voskamp

I attended a fundraiser for Special Olympics of Texas and gave financially to the cause. I see the way Special Olympics positively impacts our kids. They are so proud of themselves when they practice and perform and the families are so proud as well. It's a cause close to my heart and I'm blessed with a good job so that I'm able to give back with my talents, my time, and my treasure.

I'm happy to help and be the good thing to happen to someone else.

Forgiven Lyrics

Discerning God's Voice & Following Where I'm Led

July 24, 2017

I had posted the following blog on July 24, 2016...

I've always felt close to the Lord, like I can hear Him and get the message He's trying to tell/show me through life's experiences and influential people. It was no surprise that I scored high on discernment on my spiritual gifts inventory. However right now I'm wondering if I misunderstood the message or blurred it with the voices of the world, the voices inside my head, or my own selfish wants and drive. Sometimes it's hard during tough times to tell where I end and He begins, not my will but His. Did I interpret His will correctly? Was I obedient? Or was I overzealous? Right now I'm starting to feel like I was overzealous and went off blazing my own trail like "I got this" and now the sun is setting and I'm starting to realize I don't really know where I am or where I'm going. I need a sign, a word, a door that's open to know I'm still going in the right direction.

When I first began my journey as a special education teacher I prayed and prayed to be led in the right direction and to be protected as I worked with these delicate kids and families. They go through so much and as much as I understand, it's NOTHING in comparison to what they know, so I prayed for humility and wisdom. God opened doors and led me to great people who would teach me and fill my heart with so much joy. This last change is a little more difficult. Although I've moved schools or districts in the past, I've always been a sped teacher. I've always had a sense of stability, a predictable schedule, benefits, etc. and now I'm in a whole new world. It's been SO fulfilling and rewarding but it's also been challenging as I'm having to adjust from something I've known for 10 years and there's more unpredictability than what I'm used to. I'm having growing pains. I know I'm not lost, I'm never lost, I'm just a little scared out here in the woods.

Anyone ever feel this way or is it just me being the overthinker that I am?

I WAS in the right place at the right time! It was His plan and His plan has played out beautifully. Thank God that I was obedient because He has provided for me through CTBS (the company I work for) once Mark moved to heaven. He set me up for the worst day of my life and then let others care for me and carry me through it all. Thank you friends and thank you Jesus! If I wouldn't have followed I wouldn't have made it. If I wouldn't have taken the leap of faith I would've fallen short without Mark's income. His love and provision is AMAZING! I see you God! I see your hand. Thank you!!









❤️

Backpack Buddies

I sponsored a couple kids through church to buy school supplies for. I bought backpacks and school supplies and prayed for them each day. In addition to praying over their supplies I chose to write my prayers down since my kiddo is a 6th grader. Sixth grade is a highly influential time so I wanted him to know how loved and prayed for he is. I wanted to help lead him on the right path.

Day 1: "Dear Friend, Sixth grade is new and exciting and sometimes a little overwhelming. I pray that you will take this new beginning to make the most of yourself - your talents, your reputation, and your friendships. Choose your friends wisely and make smart choices. I pray that you will surround yourself with people that don't just want to have fun with you but want to look out for you and achieve things and grow with you. Have a great year!" (Read Proverbs 22:1 and Ecclesiastes 4:12)

Day 2: "Dear Friend, I know this is a time in your life when you want to do more, have more freedom, be your own person. You're growing into a young man now. Just be careful what you focus on or who you look up to. Not everything that glitters is gold. Whatever you give your time and attention to most will lead your life. Make sure to find a strong, smart, confident man to be your role model and guide you. I pray that you will be led by great men and women."

Day 3: "Dear Friend, The choices you make are like bricks of pavement on the road. They pave the way for your life. Make good choices, see good rewards. Make bad choices and your road will take you places you will regret and you don't want to go. I pray that you will make healthy choices and have friends that will help you make good choices."

Day 4: "Dear Friend, Your family is your core, your backbone. I know sometimes families fight and things aren't always roses and rainbows but they've got your back. Be loyal - don't turn your back on them. I pray that your family will be there for you and lead you to live the best life, that they will seek God during the hard times and come to Him with questions or frustrations. He can handle it. I pray that you always know you can turn to family with anything - don't struggle alone."

Day 5: "Dear Friend, Your life is now beginning. You're getting older and doing a little more on your own. The school work will be harder, mom/dad won't be there to remind you about projects due - you have to remember everything. This is just the beginning, especially if you want to go to college. I pray that you don't give up when things get tough. That's when you dig in and dig deeper inside yourself and give it your all and find what you're truly made of. You got this! I pray for your perseverance and for you to have a spirit of hope."

Day 6: "Dear Friend, You probably already know by now that happiness comes and goes. Not everyday is a good day but there is good in every day. Sometimes you just have to look for it. I pray that you will find joy in every day, even the hard ones. Find something to be thankful for. When you look for the positive in life your good days outnumber your bad days. You can't have a positive life with a negative attitude. Have an attitude of gratitude and #choosejoy."

Day 7: "Dear Friend, This is my last note. I hope you have enjoyed the letters of encouragement and the school supplies. The last thing I hope for you is the most important - I pray you will always turn to God and grow in your relationship with Him. He's not just some invisible being in the sky. He is real. I know because I have experienced His working in my life in ways that are too coincidental to be anything else BUT GOD. He is real and he hears every prayer, every thought. Talk to him, even if they are short prayers. I pray/talk to him in the car, in the shower and if I can't sleep at night. You don't have to pray special prayers or words, just tell him what's on your heart. Pray when you need help with decisions, pray when you're sad, pray to give thanks, pray without ceasing. The more you talk to him and wait for him to show you what to do (listen) the closer y'all will be, just like any relationship. Go with God and grow with God. Lots of love!"

Finished praying for my #backpackbuddies If you can, please consider blessing some kiddos in your community as we gear up for another school year. #bts #bethelight

The Night Sky

July 19, 2017

I ordered a custom poster of the night sky. You send the company your date and location and they print a poster of the stars positions and constellations from that location on that night. I sent them the date that my sweet husband went home to heaven. January 6th, 2017 from Troy, Texas.

I'm looking at it from the beautiful perspective. Tragically beautiful like I say. That's the night he went home! The night he flew into the arms of Jesus! The night I long for and am so jealous of. I think it's beautiful and the vast night sky shows the wonder of the universe and that there is so much more out there than what we can see.

I can't wait to hang it in my bedroom!

I'm Worth It

July 18, 2017

I have been struggling with my sense of identify since losing my husband. I've been cherished and adored and loved so gloriously and I belonged to someone who treasured me. I was his and he was mine. Even during the hard times, when I lost sight of who I was in our marriage and what I wanted my husband looked at me with loving and forgiving eyes and led me back to myself and led me back to God. I felt His love and forgiveness when I was wrapped in my husband's arms during those dark days. We didn't have a perfect marriage but it was real and it was SO good. I knew that when I had him and I treasured him.

Now that I've lost him I'm having to find myself and my new identity without him. It's so hard! When I feel judged or rejected I feel myself getting down on myself. I opened up my "Jesus Calling" book and read today's devotional and it reminded me that my worth is determined by what God says about me.

I am beautiful. I am kind. I am good-hearted. I am wise. I am worth knowing. I am worth loving. I am to be treasured because ultimately I AM HIS. Mark knew this and treated me as such. I do feel alone but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not. Maybe for now but not forever.

Dream Visitations

July 17, 2017 at 8:15 am

I cried in my sleep this morning. My love came to visit me. I woke up around 5 am to go to the bathroom, checked the clock on my phone and realized I still had a couple hours of sleep, so I got back in bed and fell back asleep. Then he was there.

He knelt down by the bed and stroked my hair. I could feel his fingertips on my face and neck and through my hair. He got in bed and laid next to me and he was right there, so close to me. I held his face in my hands and could feel and see his salt & pepper hair and feel his skin. He just stared at me and spoke to me with his eyes. His lips didn't move but I could hear his words. He said, "I'm here. I don't come around a lot, only during this time, because THIS was our time. This was our thing (him stroking my hair in the early morning hours). I love you." I kissed him and I could feel his sweet kiss, his soft lips, and I could feel the tears falling. I knew I was sleeping because the tears were streaming from my closed eyes. I knew I was dreaming. Then he got up and walked away. He was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans and as he walked away I chased after him, sobbing and begging him not to leave again. Then I woke up.

Oh God I miss that man! It was bittersweet to have that dream. I love that I got to hold him and kiss him but I hated to see him go again. My heart was breaking all day and I'd been doing so good. It felt like the day after all over again. After Mark passed I felt closer to God but so distant from my husband. In an instant he was gone. Just like that... gone. I didn't feel him around, see any signs that he was near or watching over me, it wasn't like the movies. He was just gone. Then this happened. It's beautiful and amazing but it definitely ripped the wound open again. But I'll live with my heart cut open if it means knowing my love is in heaven watching over me.

I came across this picture and it holds new meaning now. He posted this on my Facebook wall back in 2009. I must've been out of town and he was telling me that he missed me. Now when I read it I picture him telling me this from that side of heaven. I miss him so much and I wish I was there too. I will be and I can't wait until the day when I can see him and hold him again.

Paradise

July 16, 2017 at 7:59 am

A month after my husband passed I had a dream that we went on a cruise with the kids. We had drinks at the bar and eventually I left him there while I went and got the kids settled in their cabin, right next door to our cabin. I accidentally fell asleep in their cabin and when I woke up the next morning I went next door and realized Mark hadn't been in our cabin. The bed was still made and it was obvious he hadn't been there so I spent the morning searching the cruise ship. As I was asking around at the bar the bartender said, "Oh, that guy cashed in his chips and got off the ship in the Bahamas." 

We were still docked so I got off the ship at the port and there he was, standing with his things in his arms. I questioned him, like, "What are you doing? Come on, the ships about to leave!" He refused to get back on the ship. He kept staring at me. He wouldn't talk to me but with his eyes he was saying," I'm staying here in paradise." I kept crying and pleading, "What about me? What about the kids?" but he refused. The ships horn blew and I had to make the decision to either stay with him or get back on the ship with the kids. I turned with tears streaming down my face and left him in the Bahamas and got back on the ship.

It was the most gut-wrenching dream. It was so recently after loosing him and I felt abandoned all over again. I talked to my therapist about my dream and she said he was telling me he was in paradise. It was a parallel to heaven. I can see that. I believe it.

I came across this picture from a cruise we took to Cozumel a few years back. This was how I envisioned him in my dream, standing there with his bag, happy as a clam. He IS in paradise now. I get it. I wish I could be in paradise with him but my journey is taking longer than his did. Although I think of him everyday and miss him everyday I'm finding my happiness too. #iloveyoubig Mark Anthony. I'll see you in paradise when my time comes. Save me a spot on the beach!
 #youngwidowwarrior #marksmovetoheaven

Miracles

I've always believed in God and I know about the miracles Jesus performed. The believer that I am, I believe in miracles. I believe that they happened in the biblical days and I believe that they happen today too. I've seen it. Though today I call them Godwinks...not elaborate burning bush miracles, but things that are too coincidental, like God winking at me saying "yup, that was me."

Last year I had a friend that was losing her daughter to cancer. Everyone was rallying around, praying for her and the family. I had met her daughter once or twice but didn't work directly with her so I didn't know her all that well but I still prayed for her. One night while I was sleeping something jerked me awake around 4 am. I literally felt startled and awoke with a sense of urgency and the name Sarah Kait on my mind. I immediately started praying for peace and comfort for Sarah and the family. Later that morning my friend let us all know that Sarah had passed around 4 that morning. Coincidence? I think not. I truly believe in my core that the Lord was preparing a way for her and using us, her friends and family and those led by the spirit, to ease their troubles a bit and send her off in love. THAT was not a coincidence, that was a miracle. A Godwink.

This year I had another friend lose her child to cancer. My heart ached for her throughout their journey, and still aches as I see the sadness in her eyes for not having her boy around. But then I see the miracles and little signs she has been given that shows her that he's okay, he's happy and in a better place, and it eases her soul a little.

I've seen miracles happen. I believe in miracles. I'm just waiting for one to happen to me. We all have our journeys. Our heartbreaks. Our moments of desperation. Our feelings of defeat and despair. We all have those times when all we need is a line. Throw me a line. Give me a sign that I'm not way off base. Give me a sign that I'm not making things up in my head and that YOU ARE REAL. I'm waiting for my moment like that..my miracle.

Mark and I have tried off and on for 8 years to have a baby. We've been tested and done everything short of expensive fertility meds and IUI/IVF. For us it comes down to money and the struggle with the line...where's the line between us (man, science, etc.) and God? We decided many years ago that we were leaving it in God's hands. We would track ovulation, basal body temperature monitoring, natural family planning, natural medicine and methods to fertility (massages, acupuncture, etc.) and even fertility enhancing meds (that were within our financial means) but stop short of IUI, IVF, etc.

We tried for 3 years, gave up for 1, tried again for 2 more (although we took a more relaxed "give it to God" approach) and then, because I hadn't been on birth control for so long, my endometriosis became so bad that I needed to be back on birth control for hormonal reasons to settle things down. I was on birth control for about 2 years and then in August I had endometriosis surgery to clear things up a bit and I have been off of birth control since October.

I've always been regular, even with endometriosis. I have healthy eggs, good ovaries and fallopian tubes, and my uterus is healthy and ready for a baby. But one never comes. I'm always on time, never late...until now.

I didn't have my cycle in November. I kept waiting and waiting and it never came. Now here we are in December, getting close to that date again and I'm hoping and praying it doesn't come and that this time it's MY turn for a miracle.

I'm probably jumping the gun. It's probably just my body reajusting to being off birth control and I'll have my cycle like clockwork this month, just like before, just like usual, and I will have wasted my time and my tears on praying for something that will never be. That's what I fear. But I believe in a God that's grater than my fears. So as the day gets closer I'm becoming more anxious and I'm finding myself breathing deeply a lot more and trying to find peace in this quiet storm I'm in. I'm trying to patiently wait on Him but it's so hard. It's like the night before going to Disney World, the anticipation is too much. Maybe this is my Disney World. In all these years I've never been late. Maybe this is finally it? Praise God if it is!

If it's not...we try again, and again, and again, and we finish the race with a kick at the end, by giving it all we've got, because the end is near. I'm finished at 35. If I'm not pregnant by 35 I'm having a permanent form of birth control implanted so that I know there's no chance and I won't keep doing this to myself over and over again. I'd rather have a hysterectomy since my"baby making factory" doesn't work anyway but they won't give me one. So Mirena IUD it is. I'll have it implanted and be done once and for all. I'm tired. Although I'm not a wreck daily like I used to be it still takes a hard toll on me, Mark, the family, and I just can't do it anymore. Enough is enough. So this is it God! This is it. Six Months. This is it.