Blogging Hiatus

I’ve been on a bit of a hiatus from blogging over the last couple years. I blogged a lot after losing Mark but then life started looking up again and I got sidetracked and let blogging fall to the wayside. I’ve been positing on social media (Facebook) because that’s been my platform over the years but I’ve taken a hiatus from blogging. 

The last blog I wrote was in October 2021, three months after losing Gabe. I wrote that I was doing well because I knew how to walk the widow walk and “it was like muscle memory.” Part of that was true. I knew what to do for sure, but the other part that I failed to realize was that I was in shock! I was walking through life as if nothing had happened when I had just lost my second husband, the father of my girls, my answered prayer. 

My grief was definitely delayed after losing Gabe. I felt it in small waves at first and was able to go on about life because I was in shock, denial. At about the year mark it hit me like a tsunami and wrecked my world. I was having trouble balancing work and home stressors. My relationship that I thought was going somewhere was filled with drama because he and I were both filled with trauma. When we met we fit well because I was depressed and suppressing my grief. I was in a space where I didn’t want to go out, I didn’t want to dance and sing and live and experience life. I just wanted to be a homebody and be loved and escape my life sometimes. His personality is very reserved and guarded, very withdrawn. So we meshed well enough at first. We didn’t push boundaries with each other and we respected each other’s grief and trauma. 

But as I started to heal I started realizing that we didn’t gel so well because we are very different people. Different personality types. I realized about 9 months in that we weren’t a good fit for each other but I have a hard time quitting people. I was hell bent on making it to the other side of the struggle, putting in the hard work to bond together and pull each other through this hard time. We tried to make it work but there was always something, it never came easy, it was always a struggle. The stress of the relationship, the back and forth and emotional toll it took on me, the unpredictability and impulsivity that I was showing to my kids, friends, and family… all of it were signs of PTSD. 

I realized I wasn’t doing him any justice by keeping him in a relationship he wasn’t enough for. He needed to heal too and he couldn’t do that with me in the picture as a distraction. And I wasn’t doing myself justice or allowing myself to fully heal because the nurturer and healer in me kept worrying about him and trying to help him heal. I had to put the oxygen mask on myself and break free. I felt guilty about giving up on him, I grappled with that for a long time, but ultimately I had to make a choice. So I ended it.

Since then I’ve been focusing on my walk with God and taking care of myself. I’m protecting my peace, the little peace that I have right now, and nurturing it to help it grow. I’m re-centering myself in God and what He says about me and life’s situations and I’m trying to choose joy more than I have been this past year. I’ve said it before that “this past year has been the hardest year of my life” and then SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS! I’m going to quit saying that. But this year has definitely been more of a challenge and I’ve lost perspective and lost my joy at times. I’m almost ashamed to admit that because I am such a strong believer and I know my joy comes from the Lord but I have failed miserably this past year. I have fallen short and lost my hope and joy. If you can imagine me walking on a path following after Jesus… I’m still walking on the path but I’m downtrodden. My head is hung and my face is flushed with furrowed brows. I’m dragging my feet and wavering as I walk, leaving the path ever so slightly as I mumble and fumble through the desert that is my life right now. But still I’m walking in the same direction. I’m not lost, I still look up and see Him way up ahead, but I’m discouraged that I’m so far behind and I’m so exhausted and thirsty! My soul is thirsty. My heart is thirsty.

It makes me think about the Israelites who wandered for 40 years in the desert and how they must have felt. Am I being punished for losing perspective? Is this a time of reflection and purification and preparation for the promise land? What’s the bigger picture? Where’s the testimony? Ever since I heard the calling on my life I ask myself questions like these. I’m not perfect by any means, I live out loud on purpose to shed light on modern day discipleship and to encourage others to get on the path and follow after Jesus too. Literally as I write this I’m filled with hope and reminded that God uses suffering for 3 reasons: Correction, Salvation, and Sanctification (perfecting us). I did not deserve to lose my husbands. I do not deserve to struggle so much and have such a rough go-of-it these days. I don’t think it’s for correction purposes because the suffering is not causing me to turn from transgressions (repetitive purposeful sinning). Or maybe it is for correction and I'm being humbled to eventually see it? I don't know. I am saved and share my faith and testimony so I don’t think it’s for salvation. Not mine at least. Maybe for discipleship, the salvation of others? The other reason is sanctification… experiential sanctification. 

I was asked this weekend, "How are you still doing okay? What drives you?" My answer was this: My faith. I am a faith-filled woman and I don't know why bad things have happened in my life. I don't know why I have suffered so much in such a short time. But I do know that he works everything for His purpose, even this. And I know that we are all uniquely made and all have a purpose and maybe this is mine. I told my friend that I have had a unique experience and I know this is my purpose because He told me so when I heard the call 6 years ago. "Be a lighthouse." To me that means shed light, light the path, guide them home. So I do. Even in my struggles and heartaches, even when I fall flat on my face, even when I hang my head as I drag my feet on the path. I'm still walking. Let's walk together.

Hiatus is over. Time to start writing again.

Coincidence...I think not

Just a month ago I wrote a blog post about our struggle with infertility. We had just done one IUI and I was begging God to let this be it. I was asking Him to reveal himself to me, show me a miracle.

Well...I got it. I got lots of them actually. But this is not what I was talking about when I said show yourself to me and do a work in my life. Now that I'm looking back in trying to make sense of it all and it just doesn't make sense but I can see how the pieces fit together now. I can see how God has woven things together leading up to this moment.

I always said I felt like God was preparing me for loss. I couldn't explain it but I had this tugging at my heart for the last 8-10 years or so. I empathize deeply with those who have suffered great loss and I just felt like one day it would be me. I remember 4 years ago, standing in Bub's room folding laundry when he was away at his dad's for the weekend, and I had a conversation with God. That's how our relationship is, I just talk to him whenever, wherever, and then I listen and wait for His response.

So that weekend I was standing in Bub's military themed bedroom, folding laundry and missing him, and I felt a sense of mourning come over me. Not the usual "I miss my baby while he's at his dad's" feeling. In that moment I dropped to my knees and prayed. Bub has always wanted to join the military since he was around 3. I thought he'd grow out of it but he's still all about it and he's almost 13. I don't want to crush his dreams or dictate his life but I don't want to lose him either. He's my only child, the only one I gave birth to. So I prayed that God would protect my baby. I felt confused but I still felt like He was preparing me for loss. I thought it would be Bub, as an adult, from being in the military. Boy was I wrong.

He was working in me alright, but He was preparing me for the loss of my husband, not my son. Have you ever had "Y" moments? Moments when you're faced with a decision and you're sitting at the Y in the road trying to decide which road to go down? I had one of those moments when Mark and I began dating. He worked at Alcoa in Rockdale and we lived in Temple. He would commute to work every day and work 16 hour shifts in 120° heat in the aluminum smelter and then drive home on fumes (exhausted). I was always worried for him. One night he didn't come home. I didn't know if he was wrecked on the side of the road or what. His phone went straight to voice-mail. I stayed up all night worrying and when I was crying in the shower that morning he walked in and asked why I was crying. I was so relieved to see him! He said he pulled a double and then took a nap and his phone died. All I could think was "Thank God you're okay but WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?!"

He drove me crazy and back then and he had more flaws than I knew what to do with but I decided that I was willing to work at things with him. I loved him deeply from the start and he loved me the same. So I chose him and we committed to becoming better together. Now looking back, I feel like that was a "Y" moment. Like God was giving me a glimpse and saying "okay this is what you get if you choose to go down this road but it'll be beautiful and full of love, or you can go down another road and avoid everything, heartache and love included." I chose Mark. I remember choosing Mark. And if I had to do it all over I'd chose him again every time. Because the love was worth the heartache and the lessons are with the growing pains.

Since his passing I've been reflecting on things and I know He has had his hand on us from the beginning. When we started down our path on the left side of the "Y" he guided my steps. I know the bible says the man is to be the spiritual leader of the home but in our home it was always me. He was a little behind me on his journey of faith but I was within eyesight, leading the way. When he got laid off from Alcoa and was losing himself I prayed for help, for guidance, for protection & provision. I prayed to be led in the right direction. Then I got an email from a principal in Fort Worth ISD asking me to interview for a sped teaching position. Crazy thing was, I hadn't even filled out an application! I agreed to fill out an app and do the interview. I interviewed on Wednesday and got the offer on Thursday. Boom. Done. We put the house on the market the following week and had an offer within a week! I'm not exaggerating, it was that fast. We moved to Fort Worth and lived with my parents while we waited for the house to sell. It didn't. The buyer's loan fell through and we couldn't afford to pay that mortgage plus another one in FW so we rented the house out and rented a house for ourselves in FW.

While in FW I was listening to the radio and heard about a little church that was making big news and decided to check it out (https://www.google.com/amp/s/praisephilly.hellobeautiful.com/318621/church-riles-some-with-jesus-does-not-care-campaign/amp/?client=ms-android-att-us). We LOVED the church. We immediately felt accepted, loved, and inspired. Over the years we became more involved in the church. Mark became a member of the men's Iron Man ministry and I was involved with the Women's ministry. We mentored people, greeted, and served the homeless. Mark gave his life to Christ in 2011, thank God for that.

The years passed and the kids were getting older and more involved in extra curriculars and we needed to be around more, not so much back and forth for visitation. So I prayed and prayed and one day Mark said, "why don't we just move back home?" There it was, my sign, my approval. So I put in applications and did interviews and got on with BISD, my top choice.

While we were here I was moved from school to school and met a lot of great people through work. I needed to start my supervision hours towards my BCBA so I opened up the supervisor registry, picked a name, and called to set up an interview. I didn't know Kristi Tindell from Suzy Q at the time. I taught, worked part time for CTBS, did my master's full time, and had my family and home. My life was full and busy but I was able to do it all because Mark was my partner and he helped me through it all.

Last June I was at another "Y." I was faced with the decision to keep teaching or resign and go into private therapy full time while testing to become fully credentialed.  I'd heard the board exam was hard and there was no guarantee I'd pass. Statistically,  people have a better chance of passing the Bar exam than the BCBA exam. I was scared for our family's financial future and I prayed and prayed and just felt led to jump and trust that we would be alright.

I worried. I stressed. Mark REALLY stressed. He kept urging me to go back to the district. They had benefits, predictable pay, etc. I would apply and appease him but I would always tell him we're going to be okay, just trust. That was hard for him as a man. He did our finances. He knew the kind of stress we were in. But we managed. He worked 2, sometimes 3 jobs (S&W, Uber, and driving a trash truck) and I worked 2 (CTBS and BISD homebound education). We were hustling and staying afloat so everything would remain the same for the kids.

The day he passed I had worked until 6. He only worked his day job (4am until lunch) and went straight to his friend's house. He didn't come home and eat lunch or nap. I never saw him that day, only talked to him on the phone a couple times. That night I got a call that he was coming home. Then another that he left his phone so I went out there to go get it.  If I hadn't gotten his phone I wouldn't have gotten the call that he was in trouble (read previous post for details). He hadn't updated his license since we moved so the police wouldn't have been able to find me that night had I not gotten the call and found him. That was God. He knew I'd want to be as close as I could to him as soon as possible.

He led me down the wrong road that night so I wouldn't see it happen or drive up on it before the paramedics got there. That was God because I even had my GPS on and Mapquest Molly recalculated.

He used the paramedic to pray over him in those initial moments after his death. As it turns out she is the daughter of a coworker of mine and she's a believer as well. Because of our connection I was able to reach out to her and get some answers about that night...and get some peace.

He used the police officer that gave me the news...turns out I worked with him back in 2001 when I interned with Temple PD. He remembered me that night and held me tight when I was literally falling apart. He remembered my family and has been so supportive since the accident.

God used the people He led me to work with to hold me up, check on me, provide for me, sustain me, and love me. For years He has been working things together for my good I just couldn't see it at the time. Although this is not good, and it's not what I wanted AT ALL, I can see the good that went into it and the good that's coming from it and it's beautiful. I keep saying that...it's tragically beautiful. God's faithfulness and provision is amazing and always on time.

What’s Heaven Like?

When someone you love dies you think about all kinds of philosophical things like heaven and hell and life after death. I have my own theory about what happens for believers after death. I know the Bible tells us that for believers they close their eyes in this life and wake up in the next. It’s instant. However I don’t think they are instantly with Jesus. 

I feel like we are all on a path to Jesus. Some of us are more towards the front of the line, those that are holier than thou (think Mother Teresa, upright and righteous pastors and priests, etc.). Then there are those of us who are making our way to Jesus and we’re on the path but we’re not at the level of spiritual leaders. And some are just beginning our journey of faith. Some have just started the walk and rely on those of us who are a little further ahead to reach back and extend our hands to help them along the way or offer encouraging words. And then there are those who have gotten off the path completely and either got lost and discouraged or refuse to believe in God. Everyone is at a different place in line but all heading towards the same direction and those that are off the path may not make it there at all. We know that part is true based on what the Bible says.  14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.(Matthew 7:13-14)

My theory is that it’s the same on the other side of the veil. When someone dies they’re just on the other side starting their journey to Jesus. The Bible tells us we are greeted by familiar faces when we die so I imagine those that have preceded us in death recently are there waiting to greet us. They’re closer to where we are on the journey. Those that have passed a long time ago are further along the path and may not be there to greet us. I think when we pass we don’t have direct, immediate access to Jesus or Mary or the disciples because they are the holiest of holy and we are baby angels just making our way. I think we can hear his voice and know his presence and communicate and commune with other angels to constantly worship him but we’re not at his feet or his right hand yet. 

It makes sense then that when someone you love and are close to passes you pick up on signs from them. Sure it could be coincidence but I don’t think so. I think they’re “Godwinks” or winks from loved ones in Heaven, just on the other side of the sheer curtain. I think as they make their way closer to Jesus they slowly fade from our realm and the signs and winks eventually stop which helps us in the letting go process too. 

I may be really wrong. There’s no way to know what Heaven is like without actually going. I can’t wait for my day to come. I will be running to Jesus so don’t be offended if I don’t stick around to give you a sign. Actually I think that may be the case for my Gabe. I feel like he gave me a sign last night but I’m not sure how many more I’ll get because if I know Gabe I know he’s on the other side and he is not holding back, he is running to Jesus. I’d do the same thing. 

So again, I may be wrong, but I may be right! Those of you who are more knowledgeable of the Bible give me some feedback. These are just random thoughts since I don’t sleep much these days and my other half lives in Heaven now. I can only imagine what it’s like. 

He did it again

Gosh I hadn’t blogged in a long time. There’s tons to catch up on so I figure I’ll start at the beginning and fill in the timeline as we go on this journey together. If you’re new let me catch you up to speed. 

I started this blog, “Shaken, not Stirred,” a few years ago after I lost my husband Mark. I was 34, he was 36, and it was very sudden and tragic and in my deepest, darkest grief I heard a quiet voice say, “Be a lighthouse.” So I did. I shared my testimonies, trials, and triumphs through social media. If you want to read more of his backstory and that experience you can read through old blogs. 

I got to the point in my widowhood journey that I had quit TRYING to find someone to bring me peace and joy and I found it in God, in friends, in nature. And then it happened. One night while I was out dancing with my girlfriends a sweet and charming man walked straight towards me and introduced himself. He seemed familiar but I couldn’t place him so I was polite and made small talk and then spent the next 10 minutes talking to my friend Natalie trying to figure out how I knew him. I remembered that we had 1 class together back in high school, my sophomore year/his senior year. Wow! How did he remember me? I went to sit with my friends and a couple songs later there he was. He walked right up to me, put out his hand, and asked me to dance. We danced and talked while we danced and by the time I knew it 3 songs had gone by and I was inviting him to church the next morning. Right there on the dance floor! I would go back to sit with my friends and he would come back, hold out his hand without saying a word, and I’d get up and go dance with him again. It felt so natural, like he was my new home. By the end of the night we danced to “Sangria” by Blake Shelton and had our first kiss right there on the dance floor. He walked me to my car and gave me a kiss goodnight and I felt butterflies! I got home and he called me to make sure I made it home and we talked on the phone until after 4am. 

I woke up the next morning and got ready for church and seriously doubted he would show up. We had been up all night and honestly, most men I had been on dates with were either flaky, deceitful, or would just give breadcrumbs and lead me on without actually being fully interested or invested. I told myself ‘if he comes, great, but if not it’s no biggie.’ Well I pulled into the parking lot and he texted me asking where he could find me in church. OMG he came! I walk in and stood in the gathering area and in he walks with his church shoes on and his tattered Bible in hand and my heart jumped for joy because THIS was the man I had been praying for. He was respectful and kind, he was a man of God, and he was honest and committed even from the beginning. He didn’t play games with my heart, he said what he meant and meant what he said. He was a man of integrity I already knew it. We went to church and then had lunch together and our relationship took off at warp speed. 

Gabe and I met on March 22, 2019. By June we took our first out of state vacation together, and by August we were engaged. We planned a big, beautiful wedding together, I did all the decorating DIY, and he baked our wedding cake! We got married on January 25, 2020. We were married 1.5 years and made so many memories together. We blended our families together and our teenagers really hit it off, his girls and my boy are all within 1-2 years of each other. We were busy and blessed and so happy! We cherished every single second. 

And then he died. 

I’m still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that God gave me everything I had been praying for and then in such a short time he was taken back home to heaven, leaving me and the kids here to mourn and figure out life without him. I don’t understand. Gabe was SUCH a good man, the most selfless man I’ll ever know. He was a big man with a big personality and an even bigger heart. He was never sick. He never stopped moving and doing stuff for others. But one day he ran across someone with Covid and he got it and it hit him hard and fast. 

He got sick over the 4th of July weekend and by July 7th he was in the ER and he was intubated on July 8th. That was the last time we spoke. His last words to me were “I love you so much. Take care of my girls” and I told him I loved him so SO much and not to worry about us, I would take care of them and we would be okay he just needs to rest and get better. He was on the ventilator for 18 days with no improvement to his lungs. We prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle, for God to heal him even just a little bit, just enough for the doctors to be able to do their work and help him get better! We prayed day and night, in private and in public prayer vigils. The whole town was praying with us. We had people praying from all over the US and even some friends in Germany were praying with us. God HAD to hear us! Gabe was a faithful man. A righteous man of God. I have strong faith. He HAD to hear us, right? 

I spent the last night with him in the ICU and was in worship and prayer all night long. I prayed without ceasing. I read scripture to him, I prayed over him, and I told anybody who came to work with him that I wanted them to pray while they worked on him. Any hands that touched him had to be channeling God to him that night. 

My prayer focus shifted that night. I knew we were at the end of our road and as much as I wanted God to spare him I knew that He may not. I’ve been down this road before and I know that sometimes our plans don’t line up with God’s plans for whatever reason. I don’t know the reason nor do I understand nor do I like it but I had to accept it regardless of how it turned out for us. My prayer focus shifted to, “Please God heal him in this life or the next, please God give us peace, please God be with my husband.” I continued to pray for miracle healing up until he took his last breath but I also prayed for God’s will to be done and for grace for us who are left behind missing him. 

My husband Gabe passed away on Sunday July 25, 2021 surrounded by family. I don’t know how I’m going to do this again but I know I have to. I know I have to be okay for his girls. I promised him. And I have to be okay for my son who’s already lost one stepdad and is now having to lose another whom he loved SO MUCH and was so grateful to have in our lives. I can’t believe lightning has struck twice and that I’m widowed again and I’m not even 40 yet. It’s almost unheard of, I’ve lost two husbands in less than 5 years. I can’t help but question God and ask why He would bring this beautiful man into my life only to take him away. God he was such a blessing! I’ll never understand, maybe it’s not for me to understand. Maybe I just have to trust and keep walking forward. So I’m walking forward, it feels like I’m walking through mud but I’m walking. I’m praying for peace and purpose. There’s GOTTA be a purpose for the pain! I just don’t understand. I keep reminding myself that God is good and He works all things together for our good. Even this. Even now. God remind me. 

Swimming to Shore

For a little bit there I could breathe again. I’ve spent the last year and a half kicking towards the surface, holding my breath and kicking like hell,  trying to break the surface to exhale and then take in the most wholesome, glorious breath. I finally breathed in life again and for the first time in a long time I felt normal again. I didn’t feel like the sad widow. I felt like the beautiful woman who was dating a guy who was crazy about her. I felt confident and more like myself than I have in a long time.

It’s exhausting to always be fighting to persevere, to keep juggling all the balls in the air, trying not to let any of them fall, trying to maintain this life as a strong woman when I really just want to fall into my man’s arms at night and let down my guard. For a little while I had that and I could breathe easy again. I guess I should be thankful for that. For the short break that I had, the life rope that was thrown my way. But right now as I look at my tear stained face in the mirror, my hair a mess and my lips stained with red wine, in my yoga pants and my workout shirt that says “enjoy every moment” I’m finding it hard to be thankful. I’m laughing at God’s sense of humor and the irony of my choice of clothing tonight. I didn’t expect a grief wave to hit me like this when I grabbed my night clothes from the edge of the bathtub where they had been laid the night before.

You know life is funny. You think you have it all and the rug gets ripped out from under you. You think you don’t deserve it and it’s given to you on a silver platter. You think you can’t survive and yet you keep on breathing. You think you’ll never love again and yet you do. You think nothing can hurt as bad as burying your loved one but then you’re left alone by choice and that hurts just as bad whether you want to admit it or not. I don’t know what the meaning or the message is, I’m still trying to figure that out. I wish I knew. I guess there are just some questions that can’t be answered this side of heaven.

I suppose I’ll keep on keepin on. I’ll keep writing letters to heaven and holding my breath for the next time I break the surface again. One of these days I’ll make it to the beach and then I’ll walk happily, the sun shining on my face again. One of these days I’ll breathe in the sweet smell of the sea salt air and the sunkissed flowers and look back at the vast ocean I swam across and be thankful for the journey. One of these days I’ll dance in the sun. One of these days. I’m holding my breathe and kicking like hell until then.

Be Still

What does that mean? For the longest time I thought it meant be still in action. I couldn't understand how one was supposed to stop pursuing dreams or asking God for what they wanted. How could you just be satisfied with things as they are without wanting more or working for more? How could you be still?? And what's with the last part of the verse "... and know that I am God." I know who you are God, what does being still have to do with it? I never quite understood that verse... until now.

Being still isn't a state of being it's a state of mind.  It's a stillness of spirit, a peacefulness within, the assurance inside that tells you everything will be okay and will work out because God is in control. That's what the last part means. "Know that I am God" and I can handle all things and do all things and work all things for your good.'

I finally feel at peace and a gentle stillness inside. Although I'm not still in action I'm still in spirit and I'm confident and sure of myself again. Last year was hard and I got the rug ripped out from under me in an instant. I lost my footing and lost my confidence but it has slowly come back over time and is now rooted in Christ so it's gentle yet firm, not a flaky confidence that crumbles easily.

I know what I want. I also know what I had and I'll always cherish that. And if I never have that again I'm fine with that now. But that is what I want. I want to have love like that again, or something like it. So in this season of waiting I will be still in spirit and know that God will provide.

But I won't be still in action. I have plans for this new year. My list of goals for 2018 are...

1) Decide on getting a second master's or not
2) Join a volunteer organization in my community
3) Finish my CEUs
4) Finish writing my book
5) Lose 20 lbs (to start)
6) Buy a house
7) Mark's Star trip
8) Dance again!
9) Stomp grapes
10) Go skydiving (iFly first)
11) Play tennis more
12) Go camping
13) Bourbon trail girls trip
14) Disney world
15) Host more game/karaoke nights
16) Get a tattoo
17) Decorate Mark's bar on the patio
18) Finish my 2017 photo books
19) Buy my own kayak
20) Ride a bike again

Speak To Me, I'm Listening

We're going on a year since Mark moved to heaven. What a difference a year makes! I  don't know who came up with the notion  that a year is adequate time to grieve, there's no time limit or order to processing grief, but there is something to it. I can say I'm doing a lot better than I was 9, 6, even 3 months ago.

There's something about coming up to the year anniversary that shifts things a little. The sting of it is not as strong. The hole in my heart is still there and the loneliness is still there but it's not as crippling. I don't feel suffocated by my grief like I used to. I'm learning to live again, learning to live with the vacancy left by my sweet husband. I'm settling in to my solitude and leaning in to my calling.

When Mark passed I remember making the choice to be the light. It was in those initial days after his passing, before the funeral. I was heartbroken in the worst way. I couldn't breathe, couldn't function, I just kept cursing and drinking to numb the pain. Just recalling that night brings me to tears. It was horrible. But in those initial gut- wrenching moments I felt a tiny sense of peace and the calling to "be a lighthouse" to others in a storm. I responded. I chose to be obedient. I chose to be the light.

Everything I post on social media is purposeful. I didn't over-share because I have no filter. I share because I'm being transparent, because I'm being a lighthouse for those that come behind me. I heard the call and I answered and I hope that I've helped at least one person deal with grief or life's troubles, or treasure life maybe a little bit more than they used to.

We, as a society, don't know how to deal with loss or delayed gratification, and we definitely don't know how to deal with grief. We are so used to having it all, or at least having the ability to get it. We don't like when things are taken from us. We don't like to lose. We give every kid on the team a trophy because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We shield our kids from death and dying because it's sad and sometimes not pretty. We shield them because it hurts deeply and that's scary. So we, as kids, grow up to fear death and when it happens to us we don't know how to deal with it. We've never HAD to. We've never been taught. In other countries they know heartache. They don't have access to medical care or basic essentials like we do and they fall ill and die, or in some countries are murdered, so death is a way of life. They accept it and deal with it and move forward. They honor the dead. We hide from it. We mask it with pills or drugs or alcohol or sex or any other "poison." We don't process and grieve in a healthy way.

I was called to be the light, to be a lighthouse in the storm. In my own pain I surrendered to God and my calling and shared my journey every step of the way. I don't know what's next for me. I feel a strong pulling at my heart to give more of myself to His work. I don't know if that will be stepping out in leadership at church, or writing a book, or speaking publicly. I don't know what that looks like, I'm still waiting on leadership from God to know where to step next, I just know it's happening.

I've felt the calling slowly over the years and then all at once. I've grown in my faith exponentially this past year. But it didn't all happen in one year. When I look back at memories or Facebook posts or think back I am reminded of prayers that I wrote down or dreams that I had that now seem more prophetic in nature than random dreams. Like the dream I had in 2013 (?) when I raised my hands in worship and was being pulled up to heaven. Or the prayer I prayed for God to help me lead and teach others and give me a platform and the words to say (I prayed and posted this prayer back in 2013). Or the blog posts I wrote in years past. All of these things seem to be part of a bigger plan or quilt that's slowly coming together. It's beginning to make more sense.

I'm still on my journey. I still miss my husband deeply but I feel more at peace now. God gave me peace and faith the size of a mustard seed at first but it's grown and is still growing. I'm learning to walk faithfully, not frantically. I'm lonely but not desperate. I'm brokenhearted but not crushed. I'm learning how to be still but moving forward. I'm learning that being still is not NOT moving. It's a stillness of spirit, not action. It's a peace and stillness from within. I'm settling into my singleness and my purpose. Who knows what the future holds; look how much changed in one year! We shall see. I'll continue to go where I'm led. He's never steered me wrong.

"I'm in awe that You would come to me
In awe that I could hear You speak.
Speak to me. I'm listening."~ Speak To Me by Kari Jobe

Homesick

I’m broken now. I wasn’t before but when my world cracked and shifted like the tectonic plates below the surface of an earthquake something in me shifted too. I miss my husband something fierce and I long for the day when I can go home to heaven and be with him again. I’m secretly jealous of those that pass before me, especially when I know they’ll be reunited with their husband/wife in heaven. How beautiful that must be to run into their arms again and be led to the feet of our Savior together! I can only imagine. I’m homesick. 

I’m homesick in the kind of way that a kid is at summer camp. They have fun during the day and enjoy the experience and make memories but they long to be home with their loved ones. They have trouble sleeping at night when everything gets quiet and still and they realize how small they are in the world, how alone they feel. They’re surrounded by other campers, kids their age, but they still feel so alone. That’s when they start to cry and want to call home, if not GO home. 

I’m THAT kid at summer camp. I’m to the point in my journey that I’m experiencing life little by little again and I’m smiling and learning how to live again but when all the world is sleeping my mind races and my heart aches to be home in heaven with my hubby. I secretly wish I could just be done with this life already and get to go home too. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way or thinking that way. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, don’t call the suicide prevention hotline on me. I’m not taking steps for it to happen, I’m just fine with it if it does. Not that I have a choice in the matter, but you understand what I’m saying. 

Losing someone close to you makes you face your own mortality and answer some hard questions. Are you ready to go today if He calls you home? My answer is Heck Yeah! Something I’m struggling with is taking measures to prolong life if something was to happen to me. If I got cancer or was in an accident... do I want to jump through hoops and go through the ringer or just live out my numbered days and accept God’s plan and go home if that’s the case? Do I sign a DNR? I want to, but then again I have a son, who will eventually grow up to have kids of his own, my grandkids. Do I want to miss that? Do I prolong life or prolong heaven??

I don’t want to prolong going to heaven. I want to go home! I’m so homesick. I wonder if those that go before us can relay messages to our loved ones in heaven, like a phone call from summer camp? Mark’s Grandma just passed. I wonder if he was there to greet her along with his grandpa, her husband, who passed a long time ago. I wonder if she heard me whisper in her ear to give my Marky a hug and a kiss for me and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I wonder if he got the message. Who knows!?! All I know is they’re there and I’m not yet and that makes me a little jealous. God forgive me for being jealous or envious. I’m just broken now, maybe I’m becoming a little jaded, and I want to go home. “I’ve never been more homesick than now.”

https://youtu.be/qVl6pUc9QdM

Forgiveness

Last week’s sermon was on forgiveness. We read the book of Philemon and learned about God’s grace and forgiveness and our duty as Christians to forgive. We know this, right? Well the action step for us last week was to seek forgiveness from others.  I’ve done a pretty good job of that along the course of my life. I even asked my ex for forgiveness a year AFTER we divorced, when I was finally ready. The only person I felt I needed forgiveness from is no longer here to forgive me. So I prayed about it and I talked to friends and decided to write my Mark a letter, seeking his forgiveness. It’s stuff I already talked to him about during those first days and months after his passing. I’ve asked for his forgiveness over and over since January 6th but I keep asking. Maybe it’s me who needs to forgive myself. OOH REVELATION!!!

Anyway this week’s sermon was on forgiving others.  I knew this sermon was coming so I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what would be asked of me. As a Christian I know what I’m supposed to do, but as a person, a woman who lost her husband to drinking and driving, I wasn’t prepared to forgive yet. Immediately after the accident, within the first two or three days, I reached out to his friends that he was with him that night and told them it wasn’t their fault and that he wouldn’t want them to blame themselves. I said all this, and I meant it, but I didn’t realize at the time that I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, on his behalf basically.

After the funeral I felt myself becoming more angry with them. They were his best friends,  they were supposed to look out for him. I felt like they influenced him in a negative way and they didn’t support his growth, our marriage, or me as his wife who only wanted the best for him. I was always made into the bad guy, the nagging wife, the ball and chain, trying to act like his mama or rain on his parade. Over the years they called me names, said I was stuck up for not wanting to be a part of that scene, said I was trying to change him.  Maybe I was in a sense. I was trying to help him change the bad parts and grow into the best version of himself, the man I always knew he could be.

I have been harboring bitterness and unforgiveness towards them since the accident. Not once have they reached out to me, no text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook texts or messages. They haven’t stopped by to check on us or to see him, his urn, his memorial. I will admit that I unfriended them on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see their lives going on when mine had been ruined, the love of my life so quickly and drastically taken away. It was too hard and I was bitter. Over the course of this year I have felt myself working through all the emotions associated with grief and loss. I’m processing everything and learning how to live again. I’m learning how to let go of regret, all the shoulda, coulda, woulda‘s from that night. I feel myself getting closer to being able to forgive them.

So after the sermon this week I met with the pastor and asked, “How do I know when I’m there? How do I know when I’m ready to actually say the words to them, I forgive you.”  I’m past the anger stage and the bitterness stage, and I don’t wish anything bad on them nor do I want to seek revenge. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I pray for them. But does that mean I’m ready to forgive them?  And if so, how do I do that? What do I say? What does that mean as far as a relationship goes? Do we have to be friends? My pastor said that my obligation as a Christian who has been forgiven is to forgive those who have sinned against me and to seek reconciliation but it’s okay to have boundaries.  He said that I should just pray about it and ask God to make it clear to me what I am to do. He challenged me to pray for them every day this week.

This morning as I was on my way to work I was talking to God, like I normally do. I prayed for them this morning and then I asked God how I was supposed to make this happen. How can I forgive them after they encouraged him and directly caused his excessive drinking that night which caused the accident?  I know he was a grown man, no one had to force him to drink, he did it to himself, but he was a social drinker. He was the life of the party and everybody loved “Good Time Mark.” Nobody stood in his way over the years. Nobody told him enough was enough. Nobody reminded him that he had a good thing at home and he needed to go home instead of the bar. I asked God “How can I fogive them when they were part of the problem?” And right then and there he put it on my heart. I heard him say, “How could they help him when they can’t even help themselves in that area? Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I remember Christ on the cross pleading to God to forgive those that were crucifying him, AS they were crucifying him. It was during this conversation with God this morning that I realized, they may have been part of the problem but they are battling the same demons that he was, caught in the same parterns. No wonder they never spoke truth to him, they don’t know it for themselves. But when you know better, you do better. So I acknowledged that I heard him loud and clear and said “OK Lord you’ve told me what I need to do, now lead me to do it and give me the words.”

I went about my day and rushed from work to my grief share meeting after work.  I already completed the grief share program at the beginning of the year but I’m going through it a second time just because it helps. But because this is my second go-round, my attendance has been spotty. I’ve only gone to about three meetings. I am in a better place now and I don’t need it as much as I did during the initial weeks and months. I hadn’t been to a grief share meeting in the last three weeks but decided that today I was going to go. I walked in and wouldn’t you know the seminar was about forgiveness. Again, “OK Lord I hear you loud and clear.” So I’m certain I know what I need to do.

I came home and wrote a letter to Mark and asked for forgiveness for all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed him, especially that night. And then I forgave him for leaving me, for choosing his friends and the party lifestyle over me sometimes, for letting his demons control his behavior sometimes. I forgive him for everything because I love him. And then I told him what I would say to his friends, given the opportunity. I’m going to try to reach out to them. They may hang up on me or slam the door in my face, but I feel like they need to hear it from me that I forgive them and that I understand. I understand that they didn’t mean for it to happen and that if they could take it all back they would because they loved him too. I know how bad it hurts and how heavily guilt weighs on your shoulders. I know the burden that they’re bearing. I’m telling them to lay it down. I wish things could’ve been different but they’re not and they are not completely to blame and I realize that now. I recognize the struggles that they face: the same struggles he did, and now the struggle for peace, the struggle with guilt, the struggle for forgiveness. I see them, I feel their pain, I hear their hearts, & I forgive them.

If you’re reading this... I forgive you. Mark loved you and I love you. Don’t let him go in vain. When you know better, you do better. Do better. Live better. Love harder. Try harder. Do better. It’s all we can do, just try to do better every day and be obedient to our Father in Heaven. I’m trying and I hope you’ll accept my forgiveness and live free in the grace and peace that only comes from knowing Him and walking with Him. I’m free and I’m forgiven and now I forgive you.

Much love,

Cassi

Hugs from Heaven

I've been documenting this year. The good, the bad, & the ugly. One day I'll look back at these pictures and posts and feel... strong? Empowered? Favored? I'm not really sure what I'll feel but I never want to forget the journey. I'll never forget the pain, that's for sure. 

Today has been a rough day. I'm not exactly sure why. I felt great yesterday and this morning when I woke up I just felt... different. The lump in my throat was big. The weight on my shoulders, heavy. I showered to wash it off and go to work as normal but I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried to get breakfast, thinking maybe if I had something to eat and some coffee I'd feel better, but it was hard to swallow with the lump in my throat. I reached out to a friend and said, "I just need a hug," and the minute I hit send a coworker walked in and asked if she could give me a hug. What?!? I'm not making this up. She hugged me and said she just felt like I needed a hug. I broke down crying and she just held me and prayed over me. 

How fast was that?! I needed a hug and I got one immediately after making my needs known. And they kept coming all day long. Multiple coworkers hugged me and held me and prayed over me as they could see I was having a hard day. My heart, though sad and broken open today, was so full! I laughed through the tears and in between crying spells. I left work at 2, so thankful to be going home early. Instead of going home I went to church to sit in the prayer room as I often do. 

I've gone to the church prayer room many times. The only way in and out during the week is through the office. The office staff knows me because I frequently come and go. I wave when I'm coming in and they wave back from behind their desks and we usually exchange friendly niceties as I walk through the office to get to the prayer room. Every time it's no different. Until today. Today I walked through to office doors as usual but the office secretary met me in the foyer with open arms. She hugged me and I fell apart again and she just held me together as I fell to pieces again. How did she know? I wasn't crying. I had gotten it together while driving over there. Why did she come in the foyer to welcome me instead of being in her office as usual? How did she anticipate my needs before I walked in the door??

I held on tight and caught my breath and made my way to the prayer room. I sat at the foot of the cross and cried some more, and prayed, and listened to music, and read the Bible until I fell asleep for a few minutes. My alarm woke me and I needed to go pick up Bub from swim practice so I gathered my wits and my strength and headed back out into the world. 

I don't know why things happen. I ask and ask and ask but as faithful as God is, He hasn't given me any answers. But He has been there for me though it all. He's proven yet again that he sees me and hears me and he's listening and meeting my needs. My faith was getting weak. I was getting tired again. Grief and mourning is exhausting. I had started questioning WHY. Why did He take him? Why did my husband get to live a fun and carefree life and get to go Home while I (the thinker, planner, devout one) am left here to run this marathon of a race alone? Why does he get to go home and I don't yet? I had started to get homesick and was saying things like, 'I just want to go Home. I don't want to be here anymore. Why didn't you take me?' 

It's completely vulnerable and a little embarrassing to admit but it's the truth and I've always said I'd be transparent. This is me. This is grief. This is my life right now. There are good days and bad days. The good have started to outnumber the bad but the bad days still knock the wind out of me and leave my heart cut open. But thankfully, today, I had lots of hugs to hold me together. Thank you friends. Thank you God. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Love and hugs to you all. 

Survive and Thrive

My motto for the first half of the year was "Breathe." It was all I could do when Mark passed and there were many times I had to remind myself to just breathe. Now I'm surviving all the firsts without him. I survived the first Valentine's Day without him, first birthday without him, first Father's Day, and now our first vacation without him.

I decided a couple months back that Bub and I needed a vacation after the year we've had so I booked a cruise for us. I knew I wanted to take a big trip but didn't feel safe taking him cross country on my own yet (the movie Taken kept replaying in my head). I figured a cruise was the safest way to go. I could check him in to the teen club and he could come and go as he pleases and hang with kids his own age but we could still eat together and do stuff together. The ship has cameras, security, and is self-contained and all-inclusive so I felt it was the best vacation for us to go on as a newly single mom.

The night before I was making sure the tags were on our luggage and all our documents were in order and I started to freak out a little. I was nervous about navigating the parking/cruise terminal and getting through embarkation on my own. Then I started to get nervous about the alone time I would have on the ship... what would I do when I was alone? Would I get lonely? I started to stress. I did everything I needed to do and talked to friends who assured me that I would be alright so I went to bed with that in my head. "I'll be alright. It'll be fun."

We made it to Galveston with time to spare. Traffic wasn't a bother and I was able to navigate there with no problems thanks to google maps. Issac rolled the big suitcase to be checked in by the stewards and I carried the carry-on bags and we made it through embarkation in about 30 minutes! That was a relief! Then we were on the ship and off to explore while we waited for our room to be ready and luggage to be delivered.

Day 1: Fun & full of excitement. We had lunch on the Lido (party) deck and checked out the schedule and made a plan for the night. We went swimming, got our teeth whitened at the spa, he went back out to the pool, and I had the best 2 hour full body massage EVER. I'm talkin hot seaweed wrap, shower, scalp massage/neck/shoulders/arms/fingers, legs/feet-reflexology, another shower, flip onto your stomach and she does a full body massage from the back, then flip and she does the full body from the front. It was A-MAZING. Well worth the money. She did say she was concerned about the stress knot I have in my neck/shoulderblade area...hmmm I wonder why? Note to self... get simple massages more regularly. Well the massage lasted longer than I expected and we missed dinner in the dining room so we had the buffet instead. Then we caught a PG comedy show and went our separate ways. He went to his teen club and I went to the adult comedy show. We met back up in the room around midnight. I survived Day 1.


Day 2: It was too much fun but it was also setting in that I was alone. Sitting out on the deck I did some people watching. Here's how my day went.

I need a poolchair....there's one, that's all I need. I'll just sandwich myself in between the skinny girl with a cute suit and the other skinny girl with a hot husband. Perfect! I'll take a Mojito please. Hmm, now what? There's lots of couples on the cruise. Newly married couples, boyfriend/girlfriend couples, couples that are getting engaged on the cruise/island, couples that have been married for years... I wanted to be married that long. Ugh. Another Mojito pelase! Oh look, they're selling gold jewelry over there, tax-free/duty-free, maybe I can find a gold ring guard for my emerald ring that Mark bought me. (I look down at my rings and get sad that there's not a wedding ring there). The girl to my right compliments my emerald ring so I tell her thanks, my husband bought it for my birthday since it's my birthstone. She asked if he stayed home so of course I had to tell her he passed and got the "Oh I'm so sorry" reply to which I just smiled and said thank you... another Mojito please! We got to talking and laughing and by the time time I knew it I was dancing on the deck! What sadness?? Alcohol makes me happy! By this time I was burnt to a crisp and had lost count of the Mojitos and my child, who I hadn't seen since around 10 am when he ditched me to run around with friends. I took that as my cue to leave. I survived my first day at sea alone.

I went back to the room to freshen up for dinner (which we didn't make it to by the way... thank you Mojitos). We brought plates back to our room and turned in early that night. Bub was tired from his day of running around and swimming and I spent my evening in and out of the cold shower to feel better.

Day 3: We woke up early to get a head start on the day. We had breakfast and then we were off to Playa del Carmen for our adventure excursion. We had so much fun tubing, snorkeling, zip-lining, but again, there was a hole in my heart and a frog in my throat at times. The constant thought, "Mark would've loved this" or "Mark would never do that" or "Mark would've done..." He's always there, always on my mind even if he's there at the back of my mind. That's just the way it is now. I've come to accept it. We had a blast and got back to the ship and had time to shower and rest before dinner. Bub and I had dinner in the dining room. He was excited to get to eat a fancy dinner and his face lit up when I told him he could order his own appetizer (not have to share a table appetizer) AND dessert. After dinner he went to hang out with friends and I went to the Love & Marriage show (kind of like the newlywed game but with 3 couples: newlyweds, a middle-of-the-road couple, and a long-lasting couple). It was super funny and I identified so much with it. I don't feel single. I still feel married. I laughed and answered the questions in my head as to what Mark would do/say. I felt the lump in my throat swelling again so I ordered... a glass of wine. NOT a Mojito! Not after yesterday. Well, in an auditorium full of people there's bound to be a mix-up. My wine never came :( Oh well, it's probably better that way. I went to the room and turned in for the night. It was after 11 anyway. I survived our day of adventures alone in Mexico!

     

             

Day 4: I woke up around 6 am as usual but made myself go back to sleep. Bub & I slept in until room service came and kicked us out at 11:30. We went to the Lido deck (I did NOT want to go out there in the sun again but that's where everything was happening) and had lunch. He ran into friends AGAIN and we went back to the room to change into our swimsuits and he ran off again. I laid out for a bit, you know, to even out the sunburn, and then got in the pool and people watched and drank pina coladas (something milder than Mojitos). A couple hours out there and I was over it. I went in and went to a show, then back to the room to shower and pack to leave tomorrow. Bub came back to the room around the same time I did and we laid in bed and watched movies all evening, until dinner. We had drinks at the lounge before dinner (he had a coke and I had a Jack & coke) and then we had dinner in the dining room again. After 4 days of running around I think we were both done so we went back to the room for more movies in bed.

Day 5: We woke up bright & early to get our stuff and get off the boat. We had one last breakfast before getting off the ship and making our way through the debarkation process. We made it through customs/border patrol, the shuttle, and found our car in the parking lot with no problem! I survived debarkation! Then we hit the road. I turned my music on and he slept... the whole way... like a true teenager.

When we got home I left all the bags in the car and plopped down on the bed, hugged my Mark pillow tight, pulled the covers over my head, and let it all out. It sucks coming home to nothingness, not having anybody missing you or thinking about you at home, not having anyone to tell all the details of your trip to. It sucks having to vacation alone as a single mom when you were a family just 9 months ago.

It sucks. I didn't ask for this but it is what it is and it's the only life we've got to live so we're making the best of it, even if it means surviving little moments one at a time. We survived. We thrived! We had fun and made memories that will last a lifetime. I loved seeing my boy smile and his face light up with every new experience, every new food he got to eat, sight he got to see. I loved hearing him say, "Thanks Mom, I love you!" I loved bonding with him and sharing a little more of myself with him on a personal level (not too much though, I'm still MOM). I did it. I survived our first family vacation as a family of 2. I feel empowered and exhausted all at the same time. I wish it was Sunday because I need church to refill me and refuel me for the week.

Who knows what this week will hold. It's the first week of school so tomorrow will be back to normal with parent drop-off and pick-ups, dinner, homework, and normal life. Wish us well as this is the first school year from start-to-finish where it's just the two of us. Hopefully he doesn't give me hell about homework the way he did last year when Mark had to get onto him. Hopefully he has his head on straight this year. There's going to be many more firsts without Dad around this year: band performances, homecoming dances, swim meets, etc. but we will survive...and we will thrive!. It's what we do. We are warriors!

Highs and Lows

As most of you know I have started dating. I find my peace in the Lord and have been comforted  and provided for and protected in so many ways but the one thing that's missing are strong arms to hold me.  I'm human. I'm a woman. I want to be wanted and loved and treasured. It's hard for me to reconcile my belief  that God is the husband to the widow and the father to the fatherless with the fact that he is not a physical being that can hug me back.  He sent his son to be a physical being but He has come and gone and I am following after him but I'm alone and that gets lonely sometimes. I am staying strong and standing firm in my faith and I'm standing on my own two feet in the meantime but I'm open to dating and relationships because I want to be loved again. My dating is not an attempt to fill a void or replace my husband but at the same time there is a void and an emptiness that can't be filled, only understood. I just want someone who understands loss and is still interested in me and wants to spend time with me.

I went on a date yesterday with someone new. I was excited about going on the date.  I don't know if it's because we share the same cultural background and that made me feel more comfortable or if it's because  I had already gone on a few dates so I was more comfortable. Either way I went into the date feeling excited and confident. I was still a little nervous, not knowing what he would be like in person, his personality, etc. but things actually went really well. We met at a restaurant and had dinner and the conversation flowed easily. I was able to joke and laugh and be myself and he seemed as if he was comfortable and being himself as well. He was funny without trying too hard. He was a gentleman. He was attentive and interested in getting to know me and my story. He complemented me, which was nice. He seemed as if he was into me which was nice because I would like to know more about him. We hit it off and I left the date feeling optimistic and excited and on a high.

Today, however, I came crashing down. I realize that I am good with going on dates.  I am good at going on dates. I'm personable, kind of funny, a little outgoing, and I'm good company. I'm good AT going on dates.  And I'm good at being a wife. It's the in between area that I'm finding that I struggle with. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to start over from square one  and not let my heart run ahead. I don't know how to just chill and let things happen without wondering about where the relationship or friendship is going. I'm a good wife and considering the fact that I'm not married anymore and I'm not sure that I want to remarry, I'd be a good girlfriend.  I'm good with that, being a good girlfriend, but getting from point A to point B is hard for me. It's hard for me to not be ALL IN. I usually have a pretty good sense about people, pretty good judgment of character and  motives, and I trust my gut. So if I agree to a date it's because I saw something,  potential, and weeded out the rest of Bozos. So if things go well I find myself wanting to run ahead, go at warp speed, and be ALL IN. I have to remind myself that I'm starting over from the beginning. I'm not used to being at the beginning.

So during my lows, when I'm questioning motives and my actions (Does he like me? Should I text/call? Will he think I'm too pushy? If I don't will he think I'm not interested? on and on and on), I have to center myself. Since I find my center in Christ I read my Christian dating/waiting book (Lady in Waiting) and then turn on my Christian music and do some bible journaling. It helps me calm my anxious heart. I suck at waiting. I suck at being patient in this situation. I have the patience of Job but when it comes to relationships I suck at being patient. It's hard to be patient and be grateful for the baby steps when you once had it all. But I will do my best.

Lord thank you for your grace and the peace and comfort you bring to steady my heart. Help me to seek you in the stillness and be with you while I'm waiting because you are in the waiting season with me. I am not alone. I pray that you will bring a good man into my life and that I will be ready for him when you send him to me. Until then I pray that you will help me guard my heart during the dating highs and calm my anxious heart during the dating lows. Bless us, forgive us, and protect us all and be with the soldiers, the sick, the poor, & the hungry. I pray all this in Christ's name. Amen.

Being a Lady of Contentment

A couple months ago I felt myself coming back to life since losing Mark. When I lost him I went into  shut down mode. My body wanted to shut down, my brain shut down, my heart shut down. It was hard to care for myself, much less my son or anyone else. Thank God my mom was here to care for him during those first couple weeks. After she left I had to push myself to get out of bed and take him to school and go to work. I had to push myself through each moment of each day. It was hard.

Every day I would wake up sad, not looking forward to the day because it was another day without my love. If you've never experienced loss there's no way you can fully understand but it's horrible. You don't want to go to bed because those are quiet times when the world stands still and that's is excruciating when you're grieving. And if you have to go to bed in an empty bed it's even worse. Then there's the insomnia and you can't sleep so you battle with sleep all night and finally doze off to catch those few hours that elude you. Then the alarm goes off and you wake up to immediate heartbreak and disappointment that slaps you in the face as you wake up alone to face another day without your person. It's HARD to say the least.

I fought the fight day in and day out and realized a couple months ago that it was getting easier to enjoy the day. I woke up thinking about work, not immediately depressed about being alone. I started making plans again and I could actually stick to them and not flake out to cry in my room. I felt like I was coming back to myself, coming back to life again. He was breathing life back into me.

Then I started thinking about my future again and that scared me. When I was with Mark I thought about our future together. We made plans. We had dreams. When he passed all those dreams and plans were crushed. I couldn't see past the moment much less make weekend plans or think about what my new future would hold. But then I found myself thinking about the future again. I found myself feeling sad about not being a wife and not belonging to anyone anymore. I found myself feeling lost and confused and scared at the thought of dating. So what do I do when I'm feeling this way? I turn to the word. And when I don't know where to look in the Bible I go to the Christian bookstore and look for books to guide me.

So one afternoon in June I sat cross-legged on the floor in the aisle of the Lifeway store, thumbing through books about widowhood, grieving, dating again, dating, praying for your future husband, etc.  I was starting to get discouraged because I couldn't find a book that spoke to my needs, but then I found this one: Lady in Waiting, Becoming Gods Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. Hmm... I want to become God's best. And I am in waiting for what's next. So I thumbed through it and decided to make the purchase.

Let me just say that this book is great! It takes the focus off finding a man, stressing about finding a man or dating or being sexy enough, witty enough, flirty enough, etc. It turns your focus to God and on what you can do to better yourself for Him and love according to His will and trust that He will send you someone if that's what He has planned for you. It's about being your best self so that if you do have someone come into your life you can be your best for them and with them. I can't do the book justice, you'll just have to pick it up and read it for yourself. It's great for young singles, those that are divorced or single again, and it's even ministering to me and I'm widowed and suddenly-single again.

I'm currently in chapter 8, Lady of Contentment: learning to be content with life and finding joy in each day regardless of circumstance. This one paragraph speaks so loudly to me because it confirms that I'm on the right track in handling things since being thrust into the suddenly-single world. Regardless of whether I'm dating or not, I've tried to be content and I have chosen joy every day since losing Mark. Some days it's been harder than others but I make a point to try and be content and give praise to God regardless of my circumstances.

"Whether married or single (or widowed in my case), one must learn that it is Jesus who strengthens you to walk in the most dismal or delightful of circumstances. True contentment is learned. You are not born with it, and you cannot buy it at one of Kmart's blue-light specials. Your classroom for learning is your daily life. Every shattered dream or unfulfilled expectation serves as a perfect opportunity to learn contentment. The circumstances are your classroom assignments for learning the mystery of contentment. Learning contentment requires complete dependence upon Jesus, for difficult circumstances without the strength of Jesus can rob you of potential contentment." ~ Jackie Kendall, Lady in Waiting #choosejoy #ladyinwaiting 

Sure my dreams have been shattered and my life has been turned upside down, but I'm just going to keep on keepin on. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, pouring myself out into others and into my passions and my calling and keep living in each moment and finding contentment in each day. It's a process and a choice. Every day you have a choice to have a good day, or not.

Whether you're going through loss or just going through a different kind of struggle, look up. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Don't let your circumstances or your past define you but let it teach you. Life is a lesson learned. Learn contentment. Love and peace to you all!
❤️ Cassi

Lead Me to Lead

On this day in 2013 I read my "Jesus Calling" devotional and prayed that God would lead me to lead others. I admitted that I struggle with teaching others to follow Jesus. I have a very quiet and humble spirit, I'm not very evangelical in the "in your face" sense. I prayed that He would help me to do his will and lead me to lead others.

"I SPEAK TO YOU from deepest heaven. You hear Me in the depths of your being. Deep calls unto deep. You are blessed to hear Me so directly. Never take this privilege for granted. The best response is a heart overflowing with gratitude. I am training you to cultivate a thankful mind-set. This is like building your house on a firm rock, where life's storms cannot shake you. As you learn these lessons you are to teach them to others. I will open up the way before you, one step at a time." (Psalm 42:7; Psalm 95:1-2; Matthew 7:24-25)

Well... He did. I've been told that I'm leading others to Christ through my testimony and I'm leading others through grief and loss and pain as well. I prayed that He would show me how and He did. He gave me a platform and gives me the words. This is more proof that He listens and answers prayers.

Discerning God's Voice & Following Where I'm Led

July 24, 2017

I had posted the following blog on July 24, 2016...

I've always felt close to the Lord, like I can hear Him and get the message He's trying to tell/show me through life's experiences and influential people. It was no surprise that I scored high on discernment on my spiritual gifts inventory. However right now I'm wondering if I misunderstood the message or blurred it with the voices of the world, the voices inside my head, or my own selfish wants and drive. Sometimes it's hard during tough times to tell where I end and He begins, not my will but His. Did I interpret His will correctly? Was I obedient? Or was I overzealous? Right now I'm starting to feel like I was overzealous and went off blazing my own trail like "I got this" and now the sun is setting and I'm starting to realize I don't really know where I am or where I'm going. I need a sign, a word, a door that's open to know I'm still going in the right direction.

When I first began my journey as a special education teacher I prayed and prayed to be led in the right direction and to be protected as I worked with these delicate kids and families. They go through so much and as much as I understand, it's NOTHING in comparison to what they know, so I prayed for humility and wisdom. God opened doors and led me to great people who would teach me and fill my heart with so much joy. This last change is a little more difficult. Although I've moved schools or districts in the past, I've always been a sped teacher. I've always had a sense of stability, a predictable schedule, benefits, etc. and now I'm in a whole new world. It's been SO fulfilling and rewarding but it's also been challenging as I'm having to adjust from something I've known for 10 years and there's more unpredictability than what I'm used to. I'm having growing pains. I know I'm not lost, I'm never lost, I'm just a little scared out here in the woods.

Anyone ever feel this way or is it just me being the overthinker that I am?

I WAS in the right place at the right time! It was His plan and His plan has played out beautifully. Thank God that I was obedient because He has provided for me through CTBS (the company I work for) once Mark moved to heaven. He set me up for the worst day of my life and then let others care for me and carry me through it all. Thank you friends and thank you Jesus! If I wouldn't have followed I wouldn't have made it. If I wouldn't have taken the leap of faith I would've fallen short without Mark's income. His love and provision is AMAZING! I see you God! I see your hand. Thank you!!









❤️