Opposite Day

You remember that game we used to play as kids when we would say and do the opposite of what others were saying? We said it was “Opposite Day” and did the opposite just to be annoying (please tell me I wasn’t the only annoying little turd out there)! 😂 I’m realizing that I had it all figured out way back then. THAT’S the secret to success and happiness! Just DO THE OPPOSITE of what you’re feeling!

Feel sad… do something that makes you joyful. Feel lonely… go out and socializeWanna stay in bed all day because you’re sad and lonely… get up and move your body and get out thereWanna be lazy and eat sweets… clean the house and eat fruitDon’t wanna have that talk because it’s scary… just say your opening lines and then sit and listen to the other person and do it in chunks.

I’ve found that when I’m feeling scared or depressed or anxious (or insert negative emotion here) I try not to let myself be led by my feelings. Instead I acknowledge the feeling but CHOOSE to do the opposite of what I’m feeling. Like right now, the loneliness is setting in and it’s hard!!! I want to stay in bed and mope but I’m going to make myself get up, workout, shower, and get out of the house! I know I’m lonely but I won’t be led by loneliness. I won’t stay in bed and sulk. Instead I’m saying to myself, “Yes this sucks. You can cry into your pillow tonight and feel all the feelings later but right now you will GET UP and fight it like the badass that you are!” So I’m doing the opposite in the moment and feeling the feelings when I’ve given myself permission to do so. I am in control of my feelings they do not control me. There’s actually a name for this, it’s called “Acceptance & Commitment Therapy.” You accept what is, don’t try to fake it change it but accept it, and commit to a plan to get through it. *For more info click the link at the end of the blog.

It’s hard. Losing your spouse is hard at any age. Losing a second spouse so soon after the first (I’ve lost 2 husbands in less than 5 years) is definitely rare and SUPER HARD. In some ways it’s easier this time around, in other ways it’s so much harder. 
If I’m comparing losses I feel like where I am today in my grief journey (3 mos. out) is where I was a year after losing Mark. That loss hit me harder bc there was no prep for it and there was trauma involved. It took me longer to process and accept and move through because I had never been through it before. There was no roadmap for me, I had to forge my own path. 

This time it’s different. It’s like muscle memory, learning history. I know what to do and how to do it. I had time to pray and prep while Gabe was in ICU so my mind could wrap around it some. I had time with God and him and I feel at peace now because I got to pray him across and be with him in those final days and moments. It doesn’t change the fact that I think of him everyday but it’s just different. Not bad. DIFFERENT. My heart misses him but feels peace because I know where he is and I know we’ll be alright. 

Maybe it’s God’s way of lightening the burden on my heart so it won’t just explode and die. Whatever it is, I’ll be honest, it makes it hard to be patient with the process and sit in the feelings all over again. Especially when people say, “You’re young, you’ll find love again!” I have my doubts but I’ll be honest, it’s what I want too. I’ve always been a person who craves connection and companionship. I can’t help it, that’s just how God made me. But he also made me a thinker. I’m like a 50/50 split because I feel all the feelings but I think my way through things and know how to manage them. 

I’m really being put to the test because I FEEL confident and further along in my grief journey than my timeline tells people I should be. People think, “Oh wow it’s only been a few months” and judge (positively or negatively) but it’s because it’s outside judgement. They haven’t walked my walk and don’t understand how I could be okay or even thinking about moving forward. That’s what makes this journey harder. My Bub and I have been here before and know how to manage and move through it. The girls have not. It’s new and raw and harder for them. I have to be mindful of the fact that they don’t understand my journey is different than theirs and I have to be empathetic to their feelings and their timeline. 

So for me everyday is Opposite Day. I live in the awkward space I call the “in-between” where I feel the feelings but grieve with joy and move forward. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed… I’m getting up to workout right now. Sometimes I want to be selfish and do what makes me happy but I’ll do the opposite for the sake of the kids. And everyday I pray for peace with the process and for God to guide my steps and lead me to lead them because I can’t do this on my own.

https://positivepsychology.com/act-acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/

Swimming to Shore

For a little bit there I could breathe again. I’ve spent the last year and a half kicking towards the surface, holding my breath and kicking like hell,  trying to break the surface to exhale and then take in the most wholesome, glorious breath. I finally breathed in life again and for the first time in a long time I felt normal again. I didn’t feel like the sad widow. I felt like the beautiful woman who was dating a guy who was crazy about her. I felt confident and more like myself than I have in a long time.

It’s exhausting to always be fighting to persevere, to keep juggling all the balls in the air, trying not to let any of them fall, trying to maintain this life as a strong woman when I really just want to fall into my man’s arms at night and let down my guard. For a little while I had that and I could breathe easy again. I guess I should be thankful for that. For the short break that I had, the life rope that was thrown my way. But right now as I look at my tear stained face in the mirror, my hair a mess and my lips stained with red wine, in my yoga pants and my workout shirt that says “enjoy every moment” I’m finding it hard to be thankful. I’m laughing at God’s sense of humor and the irony of my choice of clothing tonight. I didn’t expect a grief wave to hit me like this when I grabbed my night clothes from the edge of the bathtub where they had been laid the night before.

You know life is funny. You think you have it all and the rug gets ripped out from under you. You think you don’t deserve it and it’s given to you on a silver platter. You think you can’t survive and yet you keep on breathing. You think you’ll never love again and yet you do. You think nothing can hurt as bad as burying your loved one but then you’re left alone by choice and that hurts just as bad whether you want to admit it or not. I don’t know what the meaning or the message is, I’m still trying to figure that out. I wish I knew. I guess there are just some questions that can’t be answered this side of heaven.

I suppose I’ll keep on keepin on. I’ll keep writing letters to heaven and holding my breath for the next time I break the surface again. One of these days I’ll make it to the beach and then I’ll walk happily, the sun shining on my face again. One of these days I’ll breathe in the sweet smell of the sea salt air and the sunkissed flowers and look back at the vast ocean I swam across and be thankful for the journey. One of these days I’ll dance in the sun. One of these days. I’m holding my breathe and kicking like hell until then.

Highs and Lows

As most of you know I have started dating. I find my peace in the Lord and have been comforted  and provided for and protected in so many ways but the one thing that's missing are strong arms to hold me.  I'm human. I'm a woman. I want to be wanted and loved and treasured. It's hard for me to reconcile my belief  that God is the husband to the widow and the father to the fatherless with the fact that he is not a physical being that can hug me back.  He sent his son to be a physical being but He has come and gone and I am following after him but I'm alone and that gets lonely sometimes. I am staying strong and standing firm in my faith and I'm standing on my own two feet in the meantime but I'm open to dating and relationships because I want to be loved again. My dating is not an attempt to fill a void or replace my husband but at the same time there is a void and an emptiness that can't be filled, only understood. I just want someone who understands loss and is still interested in me and wants to spend time with me.

I went on a date yesterday with someone new. I was excited about going on the date.  I don't know if it's because we share the same cultural background and that made me feel more comfortable or if it's because  I had already gone on a few dates so I was more comfortable. Either way I went into the date feeling excited and confident. I was still a little nervous, not knowing what he would be like in person, his personality, etc. but things actually went really well. We met at a restaurant and had dinner and the conversation flowed easily. I was able to joke and laugh and be myself and he seemed as if he was comfortable and being himself as well. He was funny without trying too hard. He was a gentleman. He was attentive and interested in getting to know me and my story. He complemented me, which was nice. He seemed as if he was into me which was nice because I would like to know more about him. We hit it off and I left the date feeling optimistic and excited and on a high.

Today, however, I came crashing down. I realize that I am good with going on dates.  I am good at going on dates. I'm personable, kind of funny, a little outgoing, and I'm good company. I'm good AT going on dates.  And I'm good at being a wife. It's the in between area that I'm finding that I struggle with. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to start over from square one  and not let my heart run ahead. I don't know how to just chill and let things happen without wondering about where the relationship or friendship is going. I'm a good wife and considering the fact that I'm not married anymore and I'm not sure that I want to remarry, I'd be a good girlfriend.  I'm good with that, being a good girlfriend, but getting from point A to point B is hard for me. It's hard for me to not be ALL IN. I usually have a pretty good sense about people, pretty good judgment of character and  motives, and I trust my gut. So if I agree to a date it's because I saw something,  potential, and weeded out the rest of Bozos. So if things go well I find myself wanting to run ahead, go at warp speed, and be ALL IN. I have to remind myself that I'm starting over from the beginning. I'm not used to being at the beginning.

So during my lows, when I'm questioning motives and my actions (Does he like me? Should I text/call? Will he think I'm too pushy? If I don't will he think I'm not interested? on and on and on), I have to center myself. Since I find my center in Christ I read my Christian dating/waiting book (Lady in Waiting) and then turn on my Christian music and do some bible journaling. It helps me calm my anxious heart. I suck at waiting. I suck at being patient in this situation. I have the patience of Job but when it comes to relationships I suck at being patient. It's hard to be patient and be grateful for the baby steps when you once had it all. But I will do my best.

Lord thank you for your grace and the peace and comfort you bring to steady my heart. Help me to seek you in the stillness and be with you while I'm waiting because you are in the waiting season with me. I am not alone. I pray that you will bring a good man into my life and that I will be ready for him when you send him to me. Until then I pray that you will help me guard my heart during the dating highs and calm my anxious heart during the dating lows. Bless us, forgive us, and protect us all and be with the soldiers, the sick, the poor, & the hungry. I pray all this in Christ's name. Amen.

Being a Lady of Contentment

A couple months ago I felt myself coming back to life since losing Mark. When I lost him I went into  shut down mode. My body wanted to shut down, my brain shut down, my heart shut down. It was hard to care for myself, much less my son or anyone else. Thank God my mom was here to care for him during those first couple weeks. After she left I had to push myself to get out of bed and take him to school and go to work. I had to push myself through each moment of each day. It was hard.

Every day I would wake up sad, not looking forward to the day because it was another day without my love. If you've never experienced loss there's no way you can fully understand but it's horrible. You don't want to go to bed because those are quiet times when the world stands still and that's is excruciating when you're grieving. And if you have to go to bed in an empty bed it's even worse. Then there's the insomnia and you can't sleep so you battle with sleep all night and finally doze off to catch those few hours that elude you. Then the alarm goes off and you wake up to immediate heartbreak and disappointment that slaps you in the face as you wake up alone to face another day without your person. It's HARD to say the least.

I fought the fight day in and day out and realized a couple months ago that it was getting easier to enjoy the day. I woke up thinking about work, not immediately depressed about being alone. I started making plans again and I could actually stick to them and not flake out to cry in my room. I felt like I was coming back to myself, coming back to life again. He was breathing life back into me.

Then I started thinking about my future again and that scared me. When I was with Mark I thought about our future together. We made plans. We had dreams. When he passed all those dreams and plans were crushed. I couldn't see past the moment much less make weekend plans or think about what my new future would hold. But then I found myself thinking about the future again. I found myself feeling sad about not being a wife and not belonging to anyone anymore. I found myself feeling lost and confused and scared at the thought of dating. So what do I do when I'm feeling this way? I turn to the word. And when I don't know where to look in the Bible I go to the Christian bookstore and look for books to guide me.

So one afternoon in June I sat cross-legged on the floor in the aisle of the Lifeway store, thumbing through books about widowhood, grieving, dating again, dating, praying for your future husband, etc.  I was starting to get discouraged because I couldn't find a book that spoke to my needs, but then I found this one: Lady in Waiting, Becoming Gods Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. Hmm... I want to become God's best. And I am in waiting for what's next. So I thumbed through it and decided to make the purchase.

Let me just say that this book is great! It takes the focus off finding a man, stressing about finding a man or dating or being sexy enough, witty enough, flirty enough, etc. It turns your focus to God and on what you can do to better yourself for Him and love according to His will and trust that He will send you someone if that's what He has planned for you. It's about being your best self so that if you do have someone come into your life you can be your best for them and with them. I can't do the book justice, you'll just have to pick it up and read it for yourself. It's great for young singles, those that are divorced or single again, and it's even ministering to me and I'm widowed and suddenly-single again.

I'm currently in chapter 8, Lady of Contentment: learning to be content with life and finding joy in each day regardless of circumstance. This one paragraph speaks so loudly to me because it confirms that I'm on the right track in handling things since being thrust into the suddenly-single world. Regardless of whether I'm dating or not, I've tried to be content and I have chosen joy every day since losing Mark. Some days it's been harder than others but I make a point to try and be content and give praise to God regardless of my circumstances.

"Whether married or single (or widowed in my case), one must learn that it is Jesus who strengthens you to walk in the most dismal or delightful of circumstances. True contentment is learned. You are not born with it, and you cannot buy it at one of Kmart's blue-light specials. Your classroom for learning is your daily life. Every shattered dream or unfulfilled expectation serves as a perfect opportunity to learn contentment. The circumstances are your classroom assignments for learning the mystery of contentment. Learning contentment requires complete dependence upon Jesus, for difficult circumstances without the strength of Jesus can rob you of potential contentment." ~ Jackie Kendall, Lady in Waiting #choosejoy #ladyinwaiting 

Sure my dreams have been shattered and my life has been turned upside down, but I'm just going to keep on keepin on. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, pouring myself out into others and into my passions and my calling and keep living in each moment and finding contentment in each day. It's a process and a choice. Every day you have a choice to have a good day, or not.

Whether you're going through loss or just going through a different kind of struggle, look up. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Don't let your circumstances or your past define you but let it teach you. Life is a lesson learned. Learn contentment. Love and peace to you all!
❤️ Cassi