Opposite Day

You remember that game we used to play as kids when we would say and do the opposite of what others were saying? We said it was “Opposite Day” and did the opposite just to be annoying (please tell me I wasn’t the only annoying little turd out there)! 😂 I’m realizing that I had it all figured out way back then. THAT’S the secret to success and happiness! Just DO THE OPPOSITE of what you’re feeling!

Feel sad… do something that makes you joyful. Feel lonely… go out and socializeWanna stay in bed all day because you’re sad and lonely… get up and move your body and get out thereWanna be lazy and eat sweets… clean the house and eat fruitDon’t wanna have that talk because it’s scary… just say your opening lines and then sit and listen to the other person and do it in chunks.

I’ve found that when I’m feeling scared or depressed or anxious (or insert negative emotion here) I try not to let myself be led by my feelings. Instead I acknowledge the feeling but CHOOSE to do the opposite of what I’m feeling. Like right now, the loneliness is setting in and it’s hard!!! I want to stay in bed and mope but I’m going to make myself get up, workout, shower, and get out of the house! I know I’m lonely but I won’t be led by loneliness. I won’t stay in bed and sulk. Instead I’m saying to myself, “Yes this sucks. You can cry into your pillow tonight and feel all the feelings later but right now you will GET UP and fight it like the badass that you are!” So I’m doing the opposite in the moment and feeling the feelings when I’ve given myself permission to do so. I am in control of my feelings they do not control me. There’s actually a name for this, it’s called “Acceptance & Commitment Therapy.” You accept what is, don’t try to fake it change it but accept it, and commit to a plan to get through it. *For more info click the link at the end of the blog.

It’s hard. Losing your spouse is hard at any age. Losing a second spouse so soon after the first (I’ve lost 2 husbands in less than 5 years) is definitely rare and SUPER HARD. In some ways it’s easier this time around, in other ways it’s so much harder. 
If I’m comparing losses I feel like where I am today in my grief journey (3 mos. out) is where I was a year after losing Mark. That loss hit me harder bc there was no prep for it and there was trauma involved. It took me longer to process and accept and move through because I had never been through it before. There was no roadmap for me, I had to forge my own path. 

This time it’s different. It’s like muscle memory, learning history. I know what to do and how to do it. I had time to pray and prep while Gabe was in ICU so my mind could wrap around it some. I had time with God and him and I feel at peace now because I got to pray him across and be with him in those final days and moments. It doesn’t change the fact that I think of him everyday but it’s just different. Not bad. DIFFERENT. My heart misses him but feels peace because I know where he is and I know we’ll be alright. 

Maybe it’s God’s way of lightening the burden on my heart so it won’t just explode and die. Whatever it is, I’ll be honest, it makes it hard to be patient with the process and sit in the feelings all over again. Especially when people say, “You’re young, you’ll find love again!” I have my doubts but I’ll be honest, it’s what I want too. I’ve always been a person who craves connection and companionship. I can’t help it, that’s just how God made me. But he also made me a thinker. I’m like a 50/50 split because I feel all the feelings but I think my way through things and know how to manage them. 

I’m really being put to the test because I FEEL confident and further along in my grief journey than my timeline tells people I should be. People think, “Oh wow it’s only been a few months” and judge (positively or negatively) but it’s because it’s outside judgement. They haven’t walked my walk and don’t understand how I could be okay or even thinking about moving forward. That’s what makes this journey harder. My Bub and I have been here before and know how to manage and move through it. The girls have not. It’s new and raw and harder for them. I have to be mindful of the fact that they don’t understand my journey is different than theirs and I have to be empathetic to their feelings and their timeline. 

So for me everyday is Opposite Day. I live in the awkward space I call the “in-between” where I feel the feelings but grieve with joy and move forward. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed… I’m getting up to workout right now. Sometimes I want to be selfish and do what makes me happy but I’ll do the opposite for the sake of the kids. And everyday I pray for peace with the process and for God to guide my steps and lead me to lead them because I can’t do this on my own.

https://positivepsychology.com/act-acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/

Life Goes On

Today was a long day. Work was busy and I had a presentation this evening so I knew I would be going nonstop until 8. By the time I left work at 4 I was emotionally exhausted from pushing through all day. I’ve learned how to compartmentalize so I can manage my life (side effect of Mark’s loss) so I seem fine on the surface but it’s all underneath. When I push too hard or go for too long it bubbles over. That’s what happened today. Work was good but I had a lot going on in my head and a lot on my to-do list and it was too much for one day. I cried all the way home thinking about dinner and chores and just wanting my husband back.

I got home an emotional wreck just trying to breathe and Abbie had thrown the trash, picked up the groceries and put them away, and she started making dinner. I poured a glass of red wine and we talked and hung out in the kitchen while she cooked and I helped. She has really stepped up and her daddy would be SO proud of her. And it was good!! She cooks better than me 😆 I’m so thankful for her. That was a huge weight off my shoulders today. 

We discussed Alyssa‘a birthday plans. We were supposed to have a quince last weekend but it didn’t happen. Hopefully next year we can have a sweet 16 for her. Either that or a car I guess at that point if she wants it. I miss my girl and can’t wait for her birthday party on Sunday. His family is throwing her a birthday party and it’ll be nice to all have fun as a family again. 

Issac is coming home from his dad’s tomorrow and he starts his senior year on Wednesday. It’s his LAST first day of school. This is definitely going to be a memorable but hard year. I’m so sad Gabe isn’t here to walk through this journey with me. He’s my rock. I’m going to be an emotional wreck. I already am 🤦🏻‍♀️ He was so proud of all 3 of our kids. I am so proud of all 3 of our kids. They have been such troopers through all the heartache and craziness. I can’t imagine my life without them. God really knew what he was doing when he blended our two families together. 

It’s going to be a busy week. Life goes on and right now it feels like it’s going at warp speed. I’m doing my best to keep up. Thank God for these kids of ours! Time for goodnight prayers. Goodnight world. 

Unselfish Love

July 22, 2017

I've decided to let Bub spend the rest of the summer at his dad's It wasn't an easy decision and I miss him like crazy but they've both agreed to stay in contact and give me every other weekend. He's bored here all day while I work until 6 because JJ isn't coming around anymore so it's just him and the dog. He's bored and lonely. Over there at his dad's he has cousins to hang out with all the time. I told him yesterday and these were his words to me...

"Are you sure mom? I don't want you to be sad because you're alone all the time. If you'll be okay then I'll do it. (After some reassuring...) I'm really proud of you mom, this is really big of you. I love you."

Aww my little man is proud of ME but his response made me SO proud of him!!! I love my sweet boy!

Eight years

It's our eight year anniversary! Here's what I've learned over the years...

1. God answers prayers...I prayed for a man to be my partner in life, to support me and be a good husband and father for my son, and I've been given that and so much more. I'm so grateful!

2. Sanctification. God has used my spouse to get to me. My husband has shown grace and mercy when I didn't deserve it and given me love and forgiveness when he's wrapped me in his arms. God has given me endurance and wisdom through the circumstances we've gone through and has strengthened my character as a woman while being his wife. He's made me a better person when he made me his wife.

3. Patience.  God has taught me patience throughout these past 7 years. Oh gosh have I had the chance to practice patience. Lots of chances to practice patience actually. Patience with my husband, patience with our kids as we've raised them together, but not together because we share custody (coparenting with grace in and of itself presents many opportunities to practice patience), patience with our jobs, finances, parents, in-laws, and our hopes & dreams. Some dreams came true, some are still coming true, and some dreams died over the years but that's life.

4. Dignity. I'm learning how to win with integrity and lose or surrender woth dignity. Some dreams died, like the dream of having a child together with my husband, and that was a hard pill to swallow. I've slowly learned that my plans are not His plans and there's a reason he won't give us a child of our own, though I may not agree or understand the reason now. I will someday. I'm finally on the other side of grief and am surrendering with dignity. Well to be honest I'm picking up the pieces of the dignity that I have left and putting them back together because I was a mess about it for some time. It still hits me sometimes but not as long and hard as it used to. There's a little more dignity there, and that's progress!

5. Grace. God's taught, and is still teaching me, how to be a woman of grace, especially with my kids. I still have a sarcastic and witty sense of humor and I'm uncensored at home and I'm not the picture of perfection but I show grace and mercy as much as I can. I'm purposeful. I'm a purposeful parent and wife. I think before I speak more and I pray before I act more. And I try to show grace more and more each day. It's a process.

6. Flexibility. I'm learning to be flexible. God's given and taken away. He's answered prayers, but sometimes not in the way I expected. I'm learning to be flexible, like clay in His hands. Again, it's a process.

7. Leadership. I've learned that there's value to my story and experiences and that I can use my testimony to connect with others dealing with similar issues. I can help, lead, guide, in subtle or not so subtle ways. I try to find opportunities to speak truth and love and lead others without being pushy or judgmental. I'm still learning how to do that more. It's hard because I don't want to push anyone away. Sometimes people don't like to hear the truth, I know I didn't when I was going through the muck, but I'm so thankful that I had a friend that loved me enough to tell me I was being foolish (not exactly that way obviously). I want to be that for someone else.

8. Trust. I've learned to trust my husband. Before him I was a headstrong, independent, self-sufficient woman. I didn't die to self and I made my first marriage hard (it was already hard for other reasons but I know I didn't make it any easier). After my divorce I had reason to be an independent, self-sufficient woman because I was a single mom through my separation and after my divorce. I've had to learn that it's okay to let my husband help me. It's okay to take the walls down. It's okay to lean on him when I'm falling. I've learned to trust and it feels so good not having to do everything on my own!

9. Endurance. I feel like we finally hit our groove after year 5 or 6. The first 3 years of marriage were hard. After about year 6 we had ironed out most of the major wrinkles and hit our groove. We still have kinks to iron out and nothing is perfect, there are ups and downs and ebbs and flows for sure, but we're good. We've hit our stride and we're just running the marathon now.

10. Honesty. Like I said, in my first marriage I didn't die to self. I had my own plans and my own agenda and I took care of me because nobody else would. I wanted to feel all these things in my first marriage but we were young and dumb and we didn't do things right. There was a lot of dishonesty on both of our parts. Since then, in my marriage now, I've learned to be honest and expect honesty from my spouse and kids. And being honest means I have to be honest with myself too which means I do a lot of self-reflection (hence the blogging). But honesty really is the best policy.

I've learned so much, we all have, and there's still so much more to learn. I can't wait to get to 10 years! We're planning on having a small ceremony since we never actually had a wedding, just went to the JP, but we'll see. I'd love to, even if it is just a ceremony (no dinner & dance). I just want pictures and memories of that special day. We'll see.

What's in a name?

I started a new blog and couldn't think of a name for it. I want to focus on life, issues that we deal with as a family, and I kept thinking "Beautifully Blended" because we are a blended family. But things aren't always beautiful and we don't always blend well. We're human. Plus the name was already taken.

So I went with another alcohol analogy (because what's parenting without a little bit of alcohol) and I decided on Shaken, not Stirred. Like a martini. We're mixed together as a blended family but also because through life's bumps and bruises I may become shaken but I'm not stirred. I know my fate and my identity in Christ. I know who holds my life in His hands and who writes my life's plan.

So these are the writings of a woman who may become shaken but not stirred. Bear with me as I journal about marriage, kids, parenting, blended family issues, coparenting, and maybe a little about work. Feel free to join the conversation and comment on the blog posts. Love to all!