Last week’s sermon was on forgiveness. We read the book of Philemon and learned about God’s grace and forgiveness and our duty as Christians to forgive. We know this, right? Well the action step for us last week was to seek forgiveness from others. I’ve done a pretty good job of that along the course of my life. I even asked my ex for forgiveness a year AFTER we divorced, when I was finally ready. The only person I felt I needed forgiveness from is no longer here to forgive me. So I prayed about it and I talked to friends and decided to write my Mark a letter, seeking his forgiveness. It’s stuff I already talked to him about during those first days and months after his passing. I’ve asked for his forgiveness over and over since January 6th but I keep asking. Maybe it’s me who needs to forgive myself. OOH REVELATION!!!
Anyway this week’s sermon was on forgiving others. I knew this sermon was coming so I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what would be asked of me. As a Christian I know what I’m supposed to do, but as a person, a woman who lost her husband to drinking and driving, I wasn’t prepared to forgive yet. Immediately after the accident, within the first two or three days, I reached out to his friends that he was with him that night and told them it wasn’t their fault and that he wouldn’t want them to blame themselves. I said all this, and I meant it, but I didn’t realize at the time that I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, on his behalf basically.
After the funeral I felt myself becoming more angry with them. They were his best friends, they were supposed to look out for him. I felt like they influenced him in a negative way and they didn’t support his growth, our marriage, or me as his wife who only wanted the best for him. I was always made into the bad guy, the nagging wife, the ball and chain, trying to act like his mama or rain on his parade. Over the years they called me names, said I was stuck up for not wanting to be a part of that scene, said I was trying to change him. Maybe I was in a sense. I was trying to help him change the bad parts and grow into the best version of himself, the man I always knew he could be.
I have been harboring bitterness and unforgiveness towards them since the accident. Not once have they reached out to me, no text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook texts or messages. They haven’t stopped by to check on us or to see him, his urn, his memorial. I will admit that I unfriended them on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see their lives going on when mine had been ruined, the love of my life so quickly and drastically taken away. It was too hard and I was bitter. Over the course of this year I have felt myself working through all the emotions associated with grief and loss. I’m processing everything and learning how to live again. I’m learning how to let go of regret, all the shoulda, coulda, woulda‘s from that night. I feel myself getting closer to being able to forgive them.
So after the sermon this week I met with the pastor and asked, “How do I know when I’m there? How do I know when I’m ready to actually say the words to them, I forgive you.” I’m past the anger stage and the bitterness stage, and I don’t wish anything bad on them nor do I want to seek revenge. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I pray for them. But does that mean I’m ready to forgive them? And if so, how do I do that? What do I say? What does that mean as far as a relationship goes? Do we have to be friends? My pastor said that my obligation as a Christian who has been forgiven is to forgive those who have sinned against me and to seek reconciliation but it’s okay to have boundaries. He said that I should just pray about it and ask God to make it clear to me what I am to do. He challenged me to pray for them every day this week.
This morning as I was on my way to work I was talking to God, like I normally do. I prayed for them this morning and then I asked God how I was supposed to make this happen. How can I forgive them after they encouraged him and directly caused his excessive drinking that night which caused the accident? I know he was a grown man, no one had to force him to drink, he did it to himself, but he was a social drinker. He was the life of the party and everybody loved “Good Time Mark.” Nobody stood in his way over the years. Nobody told him enough was enough. Nobody reminded him that he had a good thing at home and he needed to go home instead of the bar. I asked God “How can I fogive them when they were part of the problem?” And right then and there he put it on my heart. I heard him say, “How could they help him when they can’t even help themselves in that area? Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I remember Christ on the cross pleading to God to forgive those that were crucifying him, AS they were crucifying him. It was during this conversation with God this morning that I realized, they may have been part of the problem but they are battling the same demons that he was, caught in the same parterns. No wonder they never spoke truth to him, they don’t know it for themselves. But when you know better, you do better. So I acknowledged that I heard him loud and clear and said “OK Lord you’ve told me what I need to do, now lead me to do it and give me the words.”
I went about my day and rushed from work to my grief share meeting after work. I already completed the grief share program at the beginning of the year but I’m going through it a second time just because it helps. But because this is my second go-round, my attendance has been spotty. I’ve only gone to about three meetings. I am in a better place now and I don’t need it as much as I did during the initial weeks and months. I hadn’t been to a grief share meeting in the last three weeks but decided that today I was going to go. I walked in and wouldn’t you know the seminar was about forgiveness. Again, “OK Lord I hear you loud and clear.” So I’m certain I know what I need to do.
I came home and wrote a letter to Mark and asked for forgiveness for all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed him, especially that night. And then I forgave him for leaving me, for choosing his friends and the party lifestyle over me sometimes, for letting his demons control his behavior sometimes. I forgive him for everything because I love him. And then I told him what I would say to his friends, given the opportunity. I’m going to try to reach out to them. They may hang up on me or slam the door in my face, but I feel like they need to hear it from me that I forgive them and that I understand. I understand that they didn’t mean for it to happen and that if they could take it all back they would because they loved him too. I know how bad it hurts and how heavily guilt weighs on your shoulders. I know the burden that they’re bearing. I’m telling them to lay it down. I wish things could’ve been different but they’re not and they are not completely to blame and I realize that now. I recognize the struggles that they face: the same struggles he did, and now the struggle for peace, the struggle with guilt, the struggle for forgiveness. I see them, I feel their pain, I hear their hearts, & I forgive them.
If you’re reading this... I forgive you. Mark loved you and I love you. Don’t let him go in vain. When you know better, you do better. Do better. Live better. Love harder. Try harder. Do better. It’s all we can do, just try to do better every day and be obedient to our Father in Heaven. I’m trying and I hope you’ll accept my forgiveness and live free in the grace and peace that only comes from knowing Him and walking with Him. I’m free and I’m forgiven and now I forgive you.
Much love,
Cassi
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts
Monday, October 23, 2017
Thursday, September 21, 2017
Hugs from Heaven
I've been documenting this year. The good, the bad, & the ugly. One day I'll look back at these pictures and posts and feel... strong? Empowered? Favored? I'm not really sure what I'll feel but I never want to forget the journey. I'll never forget the pain, that's for sure.
Today has been a rough day. I'm not exactly sure why. I felt great yesterday and this morning when I woke up I just felt... different. The lump in my throat was big. The weight on my shoulders, heavy. I showered to wash it off and go to work as normal but I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried to get breakfast, thinking maybe if I had something to eat and some coffee I'd feel better, but it was hard to swallow with the lump in my throat. I reached out to a friend and said, "I just need a hug," and the minute I hit send a coworker walked in and asked if she could give me a hug. What?!? I'm not making this up. She hugged me and said she just felt like I needed a hug. I broke down crying and she just held me and prayed over me.
How fast was that?! I needed a hug and I got one immediately after making my needs known. And they kept coming all day long. Multiple coworkers hugged me and held me and prayed over me as they could see I was having a hard day. My heart, though sad and broken open today, was so full! I laughed through the tears and in between crying spells. I left work at 2, so thankful to be going home early. Instead of going home I went to church to sit in the prayer room as I often do.
I've gone to the church prayer room many times. The only way in and out during the week is through the office. The office staff knows me because I frequently come and go. I wave when I'm coming in and they wave back from behind their desks and we usually exchange friendly niceties as I walk through the office to get to the prayer room. Every time it's no different. Until today. Today I walked through to office doors as usual but the office secretary met me in the foyer with open arms. She hugged me and I fell apart again and she just held me together as I fell to pieces again. How did she know? I wasn't crying. I had gotten it together while driving over there. Why did she come in the foyer to welcome me instead of being in her office as usual? How did she anticipate my needs before I walked in the door??
I held on tight and caught my breath and made my way to the prayer room. I sat at the foot of the cross and cried some more, and prayed, and listened to music, and read the Bible until I fell asleep for a few minutes. My alarm woke me and I needed to go pick up Bub from swim practice so I gathered my wits and my strength and headed back out into the world.
I don't know why things happen. I ask and ask and ask but as faithful as God is, He hasn't given me any answers. But He has been there for me though it all. He's proven yet again that he sees me and hears me and he's listening and meeting my needs. My faith was getting weak. I was getting tired again. Grief and mourning is exhausting. I had started questioning WHY. Why did He take him? Why did my husband get to live a fun and carefree life and get to go Home while I (the thinker, planner, devout one) am left here to run this marathon of a race alone? Why does he get to go home and I don't yet? I had started to get homesick and was saying things like, 'I just want to go Home. I don't want to be here anymore. Why didn't you take me?'
It's completely vulnerable and a little embarrassing to admit but it's the truth and I've always said I'd be transparent. This is me. This is grief. This is my life right now. There are good days and bad days. The good have started to outnumber the bad but the bad days still knock the wind out of me and leave my heart cut open. But thankfully, today, I had lots of hugs to hold me together. Thank you friends. Thank you God. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Love and hugs to you all.
Monday, August 7, 2017
A Table for One
August 6, 2017
I went to church early today to be a greeter and got pulled to work in the toddler room instead. Someone had called in and they needed extra hands. I got to play with sweet 2 year olds! I'm happy to be used where I'm needed. I spent the 10 am service in the toddler room and got to enjoy the late service instead.
After church I got the craving for Mexican food. Bub is with his dad and my friends all went to Comic Con so I knew I'd be eating alone. I was willing to do it because I wanted Mexican food. When I told the lady it would just be one she asked me if it was okay to sit at a 6-top table. (NO!!) I politely asked for a smaller table off to the back. Crazy lady, trying to sit me at that big empty table all by myself! No thank you!
I'm getting stronger and I'm able to eat alone now but I'll never feel comfortable doing it, much less sitting alone at a big table. It gets more normal but it never gets easier.
Paddling Through the Water
August 5, 2017
I spent the afternoon painting with friends. I LOVE the way everyone's paintings turned out. Mine has me in a kayak. Ever since Mark passed I have a new relationship with water. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, sometimes I feel powerful like I'm swimming, sometimes I feel like I'm barely coming up for air. My painting has me in a kayak just paddling through it, through the dark rough waters toward the beautiful sunset.
I spent the afternoon painting with friends. I LOVE the way everyone's paintings turned out. Mine has me in a kayak. Ever since Mark passed I have a new relationship with water. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, sometimes I feel powerful like I'm swimming, sometimes I feel like I'm barely coming up for air. My painting has me in a kayak just paddling through it, through the dark rough waters toward the beautiful sunset.
My Body Needs to Match My Mind
Well I'm starting to slim down again. That's what happens when your world shifts and you don't eat for a while and then don't cook. Before Mark I was fit. I had good eating habits and was outgoing and adventurous. When we got together we enjoyed BBQing, going to the movies, out to eat, etc and my adventurous lifestyle gave way to love and happiness and being comfortable. I took on his eating habits and developed a few bad ones of my own (thank you Dad for the sweet tooth).
After he passed I didn't eat for a while due to shock. Then I didn't eat much bc I was in overdrive all the time and didn't feel like eating. Then it was bc I didn't want to cook (how do you cook for 1 person). These days I eat 1 meal: lunch. I know it's not good but I've never been a breakfast person (unless it's breakfast in bed). I have my coffee in the AM, eat lunch with the kids, and have wine in the evening. No sense cooking dinner or making a mess for just me. Sometimes I'll eat almonds and cheese for dinner. Sometimes I'll skip dinner altogether. My groceries go bad, I've had a bachelor's fridge, and I go-go-go so much that it doesn't even phase me.
I suppose now is the time to get it right. I'm clearing the fridge out today (there's hardly anything in it anyway) and next time I buy groceries it'll be stuff that's good for our bodies. I'm not going all crazy Vegan or anything, just going to do it better. And I SUPPOSE I'll join group fitness. I want my body to catch up to my mind now. My mind is strong, fearless, an overcomer. My body needs to be the same way again.
My Repurposed Ring
July 28, 2017
I have to brag because I'm so stinking excited!!! My husband passed in January in a tragic car accident. He was 37. I'm 35. I wore my wedding ring for a while but it hurt when people at church or whatever would see my ring and ask, "So what does your husband do," or "Where is your husband?" I didn't want to just store it in the jewelry box and didn't feel right wearing it on my right hand.
After much thought I decided to work with a jeweler to re-purpose it. My husband was my biggest encourager and supporter when I went through grad school and he was so proud of me when I graduated and passed my licensing boards in December, three weeks before he passed. It seems perfect that his ring would wrap around my college ring. My jeweler took the diamonds and metal to make the wrap for my Aggie ring and made earrings and a necklace pendant out of the rest of it. I am SO IN LOVE WITH IT!!! It hurt my heart a little to see it broken apart like that but I'll get so much out of it this way now. It's a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven and I'm so happy with it.
My jeweler took the diamonds and metal from my wedding band and made a ring wrap for my Aggie ring. Now I can wear both of my favorite rings in one! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! What a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven. I love that he is part of my Aggie ring forever now! Thank you to my jewler, Ken Sanders, from the bottom of my heart!
I have to brag because I'm so stinking excited!!! My husband passed in January in a tragic car accident. He was 37. I'm 35. I wore my wedding ring for a while but it hurt when people at church or whatever would see my ring and ask, "So what does your husband do," or "Where is your husband?" I didn't want to just store it in the jewelry box and didn't feel right wearing it on my right hand.
After much thought I decided to work with a jeweler to re-purpose it. My husband was my biggest encourager and supporter when I went through grad school and he was so proud of me when I graduated and passed my licensing boards in December, three weeks before he passed. It seems perfect that his ring would wrap around my college ring. My jeweler took the diamonds and metal to make the wrap for my Aggie ring and made earrings and a necklace pendant out of the rest of it. I am SO IN LOVE WITH IT!!! It hurt my heart a little to see it broken apart like that but I'll get so much out of it this way now. It's a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven and I'm so happy with it.
My jeweler took the diamonds and metal from my wedding band and made a ring wrap for my Aggie ring. Now I can wear both of my favorite rings in one! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! What a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven. I love that he is part of my Aggie ring forever now! Thank you to my jewler, Ken Sanders, from the bottom of my heart!
Be the Good
July 28, 2017
"What if instead of waiting for good enough things to happen to us, we could be the the good thing to happen to someone else who's waiting?" ~ Ann Voskamp
I attended a fundraiser for Special Olympics of Texas and gave financially to the cause. I see the way Special Olympics positively impacts our kids. They are so proud of themselves when they practice and perform and the families are so proud as well. It's a cause close to my heart and I'm blessed with a good job so that I'm able to give back with my talents, my time, and my treasure.
I'm happy to help and be the good thing to happen to someone else.
"What if instead of waiting for good enough things to happen to us, we could be the the good thing to happen to someone else who's waiting?" ~ Ann Voskamp
I attended a fundraiser for Special Olympics of Texas and gave financially to the cause. I see the way Special Olympics positively impacts our kids. They are so proud of themselves when they practice and perform and the families are so proud as well. It's a cause close to my heart and I'm blessed with a good job so that I'm able to give back with my talents, my time, and my treasure.
I'm happy to help and be the good thing to happen to someone else.
Broken and Blessed
July 27, 2017
If your cup is empty, don't try frantically to fill it back up. Pour it out and let God fill it back up. It works. I'm poured out. I'm completely empty today and yet so full at the same time!
When I lost my husband I was given a book from a friend at work. This book has been my saving grace. I LOVE IT! It's my new favorite book. It's all about living your best life and giving your best regardless of the circumstances or the hand you've been dealt. It has a beautiful message and it's beautifully written. If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.
Since Mark moved to heaven I've been pouring myself out, volunteering, giving financially, etc. So far I've bought backpacks and school supplies for a preK, kinder, 1st, & 6th grader, on top of clothes and school supplies for my own 8th grade boy. I've been blessed with the ability to make a living doing what I love so that I can provide for myself and my son independently, now that Mark moved to heaven. The life insurance was rolled into a secured account and hasn't been touched. And I'm making wise decisions with my money. We live modestly and have everything we need so I give back when and where I can. It's not mine anyway, it's HIS and I'm honoring Him with my time & treasures. If He can get it THROUGH you He will get it TO you.
If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.
If your cup is empty, don't try frantically to fill it back up. Pour it out and let God fill it back up. It works. I'm poured out. I'm completely empty today and yet so full at the same time!
When I lost my husband I was given a book from a friend at work. This book has been my saving grace. I LOVE IT! It's my new favorite book. It's all about living your best life and giving your best regardless of the circumstances or the hand you've been dealt. It has a beautiful message and it's beautifully written. If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.
Since Mark moved to heaven I've been pouring myself out, volunteering, giving financially, etc. So far I've bought backpacks and school supplies for a preK, kinder, 1st, & 6th grader, on top of clothes and school supplies for my own 8th grade boy. I've been blessed with the ability to make a living doing what I love so that I can provide for myself and my son independently, now that Mark moved to heaven. The life insurance was rolled into a secured account and hasn't been touched. And I'm making wise decisions with my money. We live modestly and have everything we need so I give back when and where I can. It's not mine anyway, it's HIS and I'm honoring Him with my time & treasures. If He can get it THROUGH you He will get it TO you.
If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.
I Graduated from Counseling!
July 27, 2017
I reached a milestone today!
I graduated from counseling!!! I've gone to grief counseling through Grief Share, joined widows groups online, read countless books (thank you friends for sending me books!), immersed myself in the word and taken the lead from strong women of the Bible, and met with my LPC twice a month since January. I hadn't met with her since May and when I had a touch-base session today she said I'm good to go! I figured. It feels right. I feel good.
I reached a milestone today!
I graduated from counseling!!! I've gone to grief counseling through Grief Share, joined widows groups online, read countless books (thank you friends for sending me books!), immersed myself in the word and taken the lead from strong women of the Bible, and met with my LPC twice a month since January. I hadn't met with her since May and when I had a touch-base session today she said I'm good to go! I figured. It feels right. I feel good.
Discerning God's Voice & Following Where I'm Led
July 24, 2017
I had posted the following blog on July 24, 2016...
I WAS in the right place at the right time! It was His plan and His plan has played out beautifully. Thank God that I was obedient because He has provided for me through CTBS (the company I work for) once Mark moved to heaven. He set me up for the worst day of my life and then let others care for me and carry me through it all. Thank you friends and thank you Jesus! If I wouldn't have followed I wouldn't have made it. If I wouldn't have taken the leap of faith I would've fallen short without Mark's income. His love and provision is AMAZING! I see you God! I see your hand. Thank you!!
❤️
I had posted the following blog on July 24, 2016...
I've always felt close to the Lord, like I can hear Him and get the message He's trying to tell/show me through life's experiences and influential people. It was no surprise that I scored high on discernment on my spiritual gifts inventory. However right now I'm wondering if I misunderstood the message or blurred it with the voices of the world, the voices inside my head, or my own selfish wants and drive. Sometimes it's hard during tough times to tell where I end and He begins, not my will but His. Did I interpret His will correctly? Was I obedient? Or was I overzealous? Right now I'm starting to feel like I was overzealous and went off blazing my own trail like "I got this" and now the sun is setting and I'm starting to realize I don't really know where I am or where I'm going. I need a sign, a word, a door that's open to know I'm still going in the right direction.
When I first began my journey as a special education teacher I prayed and prayed to be led in the right direction and to be protected as I worked with these delicate kids and families. They go through so much and as much as I understand, it's NOTHING in comparison to what they know, so I prayed for humility and wisdom. God opened doors and led me to great people who would teach me and fill my heart with so much joy. This last change is a little more difficult. Although I've moved schools or districts in the past, I've always been a sped teacher. I've always had a sense of stability, a predictable schedule, benefits, etc. and now I'm in a whole new world. It's been SO fulfilling and rewarding but it's also been challenging as I'm having to adjust from something I've known for 10 years and there's more unpredictability than what I'm used to. I'm having growing pains. I know I'm not lost, I'm never lost, I'm just a little scared out here in the woods.
Anyone ever feel this way or is it just me being the overthinker that I am?
I WAS in the right place at the right time! It was His plan and His plan has played out beautifully. Thank God that I was obedient because He has provided for me through CTBS (the company I work for) once Mark moved to heaven. He set me up for the worst day of my life and then let others care for me and carry me through it all. Thank you friends and thank you Jesus! If I wouldn't have followed I wouldn't have made it. If I wouldn't have taken the leap of faith I would've fallen short without Mark's income. His love and provision is AMAZING! I see you God! I see your hand. Thank you!!
❤️
Unselfish Love
July 22, 2017
I've decided to let Bub spend the rest of the summer at his dad's It wasn't an easy decision and I miss him like crazy but they've both agreed to stay in contact and give me every other weekend. He's bored here all day while I work until 6 because JJ isn't coming around anymore so it's just him and the dog. He's bored and lonely. Over there at his dad's he has cousins to hang out with all the time. I told him yesterday and these were his words to me...
"Are you sure mom? I don't want you to be sad because you're alone all the time. If you'll be okay then I'll do it. (After some reassuring...) I'm really proud of you mom, this is really big of you. I love you."
Aww my little man is proud of ME but his response made me SO proud of him!!! I love my sweet boy!
I've decided to let Bub spend the rest of the summer at his dad's It wasn't an easy decision and I miss him like crazy but they've both agreed to stay in contact and give me every other weekend. He's bored here all day while I work until 6 because JJ isn't coming around anymore so it's just him and the dog. He's bored and lonely. Over there at his dad's he has cousins to hang out with all the time. I told him yesterday and these were his words to me...
"Are you sure mom? I don't want you to be sad because you're alone all the time. If you'll be okay then I'll do it. (After some reassuring...) I'm really proud of you mom, this is really big of you. I love you."
Aww my little man is proud of ME but his response made me SO proud of him!!! I love my sweet boy!
Backpack Buddies
I sponsored a couple kids through church to buy school supplies for. I bought backpacks and school supplies and prayed for them each day. In addition to praying over their supplies I chose to write my prayers down since my kiddo is a 6th grader. Sixth grade is a highly influential time so I wanted him to know how loved and prayed for he is. I wanted to help lead him on the right path.
Day 1: "Dear Friend, Sixth grade is new and exciting and sometimes a little overwhelming. I pray that you will take this new beginning to make the most of yourself - your talents, your reputation, and your friendships. Choose your friends wisely and make smart choices. I pray that you will surround yourself with people that don't just want to have fun with you but want to look out for you and achieve things and grow with you. Have a great year!" (Read Proverbs 22:1 and Ecclesiastes 4:12)
Day 2: "Dear Friend, I know this is a time in your life when you want to do more, have more freedom, be your own person. You're growing into a young man now. Just be careful what you focus on or who you look up to. Not everything that glitters is gold. Whatever you give your time and attention to most will lead your life. Make sure to find a strong, smart, confident man to be your role model and guide you. I pray that you will be led by great men and women."
Day 3: "Dear Friend, The choices you make are like bricks of pavement on the road. They pave the way for your life. Make good choices, see good rewards. Make bad choices and your road will take you places you will regret and you don't want to go. I pray that you will make healthy choices and have friends that will help you make good choices."
Day 4: "Dear Friend, Your family is your core, your backbone. I know sometimes families fight and things aren't always roses and rainbows but they've got your back. Be loyal - don't turn your back on them. I pray that your family will be there for you and lead you to live the best life, that they will seek God during the hard times and come to Him with questions or frustrations. He can handle it. I pray that you always know you can turn to family with anything - don't struggle alone."
Day 5: "Dear Friend, Your life is now beginning. You're getting older and doing a little more on your own. The school work will be harder, mom/dad won't be there to remind you about projects due - you have to remember everything. This is just the beginning, especially if you want to go to college. I pray that you don't give up when things get tough. That's when you dig in and dig deeper inside yourself and give it your all and find what you're truly made of. You got this! I pray for your perseverance and for you to have a spirit of hope."
Day 6: "Dear Friend, You probably already know by now that happiness comes and goes. Not everyday is a good day but there is good in every day. Sometimes you just have to look for it. I pray that you will find joy in every day, even the hard ones. Find something to be thankful for. When you look for the positive in life your good days outnumber your bad days. You can't have a positive life with a negative attitude. Have an attitude of gratitude and #choosejoy."
Day 7: "Dear Friend, This is my last note. I hope you have enjoyed the letters of encouragement and the school supplies. The last thing I hope for you is the most important - I pray you will always turn to God and grow in your relationship with Him. He's not just some invisible being in the sky. He is real. I know because I have experienced His working in my life in ways that are too coincidental to be anything else BUT GOD. He is real and he hears every prayer, every thought. Talk to him, even if they are short prayers. I pray/talk to him in the car, in the shower and if I can't sleep at night. You don't have to pray special prayers or words, just tell him what's on your heart. Pray when you need help with decisions, pray when you're sad, pray to give thanks, pray without ceasing. The more you talk to him and wait for him to show you what to do (listen) the closer y'all will be, just like any relationship. Go with God and grow with God. Lots of love!"
Finished praying for my #backpackbuddies If you can, please consider blessing some kiddos in your community as we gear up for another school year. #bts #bethelight
Day 1: "Dear Friend, Sixth grade is new and exciting and sometimes a little overwhelming. I pray that you will take this new beginning to make the most of yourself - your talents, your reputation, and your friendships. Choose your friends wisely and make smart choices. I pray that you will surround yourself with people that don't just want to have fun with you but want to look out for you and achieve things and grow with you. Have a great year!" (Read Proverbs 22:1 and Ecclesiastes 4:12)
Day 2: "Dear Friend, I know this is a time in your life when you want to do more, have more freedom, be your own person. You're growing into a young man now. Just be careful what you focus on or who you look up to. Not everything that glitters is gold. Whatever you give your time and attention to most will lead your life. Make sure to find a strong, smart, confident man to be your role model and guide you. I pray that you will be led by great men and women."
Day 3: "Dear Friend, The choices you make are like bricks of pavement on the road. They pave the way for your life. Make good choices, see good rewards. Make bad choices and your road will take you places you will regret and you don't want to go. I pray that you will make healthy choices and have friends that will help you make good choices."
Day 4: "Dear Friend, Your family is your core, your backbone. I know sometimes families fight and things aren't always roses and rainbows but they've got your back. Be loyal - don't turn your back on them. I pray that your family will be there for you and lead you to live the best life, that they will seek God during the hard times and come to Him with questions or frustrations. He can handle it. I pray that you always know you can turn to family with anything - don't struggle alone."
Day 5: "Dear Friend, Your life is now beginning. You're getting older and doing a little more on your own. The school work will be harder, mom/dad won't be there to remind you about projects due - you have to remember everything. This is just the beginning, especially if you want to go to college. I pray that you don't give up when things get tough. That's when you dig in and dig deeper inside yourself and give it your all and find what you're truly made of. You got this! I pray for your perseverance and for you to have a spirit of hope."
Day 6: "Dear Friend, You probably already know by now that happiness comes and goes. Not everyday is a good day but there is good in every day. Sometimes you just have to look for it. I pray that you will find joy in every day, even the hard ones. Find something to be thankful for. When you look for the positive in life your good days outnumber your bad days. You can't have a positive life with a negative attitude. Have an attitude of gratitude and #choosejoy."
Day 7: "Dear Friend, This is my last note. I hope you have enjoyed the letters of encouragement and the school supplies. The last thing I hope for you is the most important - I pray you will always turn to God and grow in your relationship with Him. He's not just some invisible being in the sky. He is real. I know because I have experienced His working in my life in ways that are too coincidental to be anything else BUT GOD. He is real and he hears every prayer, every thought. Talk to him, even if they are short prayers. I pray/talk to him in the car, in the shower and if I can't sleep at night. You don't have to pray special prayers or words, just tell him what's on your heart. Pray when you need help with decisions, pray when you're sad, pray to give thanks, pray without ceasing. The more you talk to him and wait for him to show you what to do (listen) the closer y'all will be, just like any relationship. Go with God and grow with God. Lots of love!"
Finished praying for my #backpackbuddies If you can, please consider blessing some kiddos in your community as we gear up for another school year. #bts #bethelight
I'm Worth It
July 18, 2017
I have been struggling with my sense of identify since losing my husband. I've been cherished and adored and loved so gloriously and I belonged to someone who treasured me. I was his and he was mine. Even during the hard times, when I lost sight of who I was in our marriage and what I wanted my husband looked at me with loving and forgiving eyes and led me back to myself and led me back to God. I felt His love and forgiveness when I was wrapped in my husband's arms during those dark days. We didn't have a perfect marriage but it was real and it was SO good. I knew that when I had him and I treasured him.
Now that I've lost him I'm having to find myself and my new identity without him. It's so hard! When I feel judged or rejected I feel myself getting down on myself. I opened up my "Jesus Calling" book and read today's devotional and it reminded me that my worth is determined by what God says about me.
I am beautiful. I am kind. I am good-hearted. I am wise. I am worth knowing. I am worth loving. I am to be treasured because ultimately I AM HIS. Mark knew this and treated me as such. I do feel alone but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not. Maybe for now but not forever.
I have been struggling with my sense of identify since losing my husband. I've been cherished and adored and loved so gloriously and I belonged to someone who treasured me. I was his and he was mine. Even during the hard times, when I lost sight of who I was in our marriage and what I wanted my husband looked at me with loving and forgiving eyes and led me back to myself and led me back to God. I felt His love and forgiveness when I was wrapped in my husband's arms during those dark days. We didn't have a perfect marriage but it was real and it was SO good. I knew that when I had him and I treasured him.
Now that I've lost him I'm having to find myself and my new identity without him. It's so hard! When I feel judged or rejected I feel myself getting down on myself. I opened up my "Jesus Calling" book and read today's devotional and it reminded me that my worth is determined by what God says about me.
I am beautiful. I am kind. I am good-hearted. I am wise. I am worth knowing. I am worth loving. I am to be treasured because ultimately I AM HIS. Mark knew this and treated me as such. I do feel alone but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not. Maybe for now but not forever.
Rough Nights
July 18, 2017 at 7:57 am
Since seeing my love in my dream I've had a few rough days. And nights. Especially nights. I almost called in to work today. I actually talked to my boss last night and said I wanted to stay home today. I just wanted to stay in bed with my head under the covers and cry into my pillow. I'm entitled to that every now and then.
Instead of sleeping the day away my internal alarm clock woke me up at 6 am as usual and I talked to God to decide what to do. Papa God said to get my butt up. So I did.
Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. That's what I did.
Grace is new every day and joy comes in the morning so I got my butt up and showed up to work. Then I showed up for my first client, and the next client, and the next client, until the day was done. That's the plan for tomorrow too.
Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. Repeat.
Since seeing my love in my dream I've had a few rough days. And nights. Especially nights. I almost called in to work today. I actually talked to my boss last night and said I wanted to stay home today. I just wanted to stay in bed with my head under the covers and cry into my pillow. I'm entitled to that every now and then.
Instead of sleeping the day away my internal alarm clock woke me up at 6 am as usual and I talked to God to decide what to do. Papa God said to get my butt up. So I did.
Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. That's what I did.
Grace is new every day and joy comes in the morning so I got my butt up and showed up to work. Then I showed up for my first client, and the next client, and the next client, until the day was done. That's the plan for tomorrow too.
Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. Repeat.
Wednesday, November 23, 2016
Day 24: My Parents
I'm thankful for my mom and dad. Mom shows me what a mom is...someone who moves mountains for her kids. Growing up she worked full time, cooked, cleaned, took me to practices, went to all my performances with buttons on, made sure I did my homework, and watched over me like a private investigator. She was like supermom.
And my dad...he lectured and pushed and knew what I was capable of and didn't accept anything less. I could've gone down the wrong road but I didn't want to disappoint my dad. He modeled what it meant to have dreams and goals and work hard to achieve them. I often saw him working from home, working on articles for publication, traveling to present at conferences, and I admired that.
Even though I took the long route and the hard way, I always pushed through to achieve my goals, due in large part to my daddy. And I'm the amazing mom I am today because of my mom. So I'm thankful for them. For the way they raised me and the way they love my kids. Love yall mom and dad!
Day 23: What I Love Most About Me
Hmmm... I'm self-aware and encouraging, but I don't sugar coat either. I'm helpful but I tell you what you need to hear if you need to hear it. I'm warm and loving but don't think I won't set you straight either. It takes me a long time to be truly genuine with you but once you're in, you're in for life. I'm extremely loyal and those are the people I'm most honest with. That's a blessing and a curse I suppose. Isn't it that way for us all? So I'm thankful that I know my strengths and my shortcomings and I'm thankful for God's grace and forgiveness on days when I blow it. Even when my intentions are good.
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
Day 22: A Book
I've read a lot of books but there are a few that I keep coming back to because they've helped so much.
Obviously the Bible is number 1 for me. After that would have to be
Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel
Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman
The Love Dare
Applied Behavior Analysis textbook (:-P) AKA the Cooper book AKA the ABA bible
Parenting with Science by Leanne Page
And Growing Kids God's Way (I don't remember the author)
And I've always loved Angel Falls by Kristen Hannah
Day 4: A Teacher/Mentor
I'm thankful for the many teachers I've had thought the years. Mrs. Morris, my 4th grade teacher...my high school English teacher...my college professors who allowed me to take Bub to class when I didn't have a sitter...they were all so helpful in one way or another.
And my mentors, I owe them the world. Suzee Scott for introducing me to the world of ABA. My principals, Sped coordinators, Jennifer Ramirez, and Kristi Tindell. Yall are amazing to say the least. Thank yall for everything.
Day 21: Creation, nature
I'll tell you what I'm NOT thankful for! Cockroaches! And WaterBugs! Ugh!!!!! We live next to a drainage pond and it's been raining so guess what decided to walk across my path as I was walking into the house through the garage?! Yup....To say I had a minor freak out was an understatement. Gross. Gross. Gross. Mark is spraying for pests TOMORROW!
What in nature AM I thankful for...beautiful sunrises, rainbows after the storm, the smell of rain, flowers growing where they shouldn't (in cracks of a sidewalk, off the innerstate, etc), water/peaceful waves, ocean animals (I would've been a marine biologist in another life), butterflies, baby animals, babies, and clear nights with tons of stars that I can see.
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