Hugs from Heaven

I've been documenting this year. The good, the bad, & the ugly. One day I'll look back at these pictures and posts and feel... strong? Empowered? Favored? I'm not really sure what I'll feel but I never want to forget the journey. I'll never forget the pain, that's for sure. 

Today has been a rough day. I'm not exactly sure why. I felt great yesterday and this morning when I woke up I just felt... different. The lump in my throat was big. The weight on my shoulders, heavy. I showered to wash it off and go to work as normal but I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried to get breakfast, thinking maybe if I had something to eat and some coffee I'd feel better, but it was hard to swallow with the lump in my throat. I reached out to a friend and said, "I just need a hug," and the minute I hit send a coworker walked in and asked if she could give me a hug. What?!? I'm not making this up. She hugged me and said she just felt like I needed a hug. I broke down crying and she just held me and prayed over me. 

How fast was that?! I needed a hug and I got one immediately after making my needs known. And they kept coming all day long. Multiple coworkers hugged me and held me and prayed over me as they could see I was having a hard day. My heart, though sad and broken open today, was so full! I laughed through the tears and in between crying spells. I left work at 2, so thankful to be going home early. Instead of going home I went to church to sit in the prayer room as I often do. 

I've gone to the church prayer room many times. The only way in and out during the week is through the office. The office staff knows me because I frequently come and go. I wave when I'm coming in and they wave back from behind their desks and we usually exchange friendly niceties as I walk through the office to get to the prayer room. Every time it's no different. Until today. Today I walked through to office doors as usual but the office secretary met me in the foyer with open arms. She hugged me and I fell apart again and she just held me together as I fell to pieces again. How did she know? I wasn't crying. I had gotten it together while driving over there. Why did she come in the foyer to welcome me instead of being in her office as usual? How did she anticipate my needs before I walked in the door??

I held on tight and caught my breath and made my way to the prayer room. I sat at the foot of the cross and cried some more, and prayed, and listened to music, and read the Bible until I fell asleep for a few minutes. My alarm woke me and I needed to go pick up Bub from swim practice so I gathered my wits and my strength and headed back out into the world. 

I don't know why things happen. I ask and ask and ask but as faithful as God is, He hasn't given me any answers. But He has been there for me though it all. He's proven yet again that he sees me and hears me and he's listening and meeting my needs. My faith was getting weak. I was getting tired again. Grief and mourning is exhausting. I had started questioning WHY. Why did He take him? Why did my husband get to live a fun and carefree life and get to go Home while I (the thinker, planner, devout one) am left here to run this marathon of a race alone? Why does he get to go home and I don't yet? I had started to get homesick and was saying things like, 'I just want to go Home. I don't want to be here anymore. Why didn't you take me?' 

It's completely vulnerable and a little embarrassing to admit but it's the truth and I've always said I'd be transparent. This is me. This is grief. This is my life right now. There are good days and bad days. The good have started to outnumber the bad but the bad days still knock the wind out of me and leave my heart cut open. But thankfully, today, I had lots of hugs to hold me together. Thank you friends. Thank you God. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Love and hugs to you all. 

Be the Good

July 28, 2017

"What if instead of waiting for good enough things to happen to us, we could be the the good thing to happen to someone else who's waiting?" ~ Ann Voskamp

I attended a fundraiser for Special Olympics of Texas and gave financially to the cause. I see the way Special Olympics positively impacts our kids. They are so proud of themselves when they practice and perform and the families are so proud as well. It's a cause close to my heart and I'm blessed with a good job so that I'm able to give back with my talents, my time, and my treasure.

I'm happy to help and be the good thing to happen to someone else.

Broken and Blessed

July 27, 2017

If your cup is empty, don't try frantically to fill it back up. Pour it out and let God fill it back up. It works. I'm poured out. I'm completely empty today and yet so full at the same time!

When I lost my husband I was given a book from a friend at work. This book has been my saving grace. I LOVE IT! It's my new favorite book. It's all about living your best life and giving your best regardless of the circumstances or the hand you've been dealt. It has a beautiful message and it's beautifully written. If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.

Since Mark moved to heaven I've been pouring myself out, volunteering, giving financially, etc. So far I've bought backpacks and school supplies for a preK, kinder, 1st, & 6th grader, on top of clothes and school supplies for my own 8th grade boy. I've been blessed with the ability to make a living doing what I love so that I can provide for myself and my son independently, now that Mark moved to heaven. The life insurance was rolled into a secured account and hasn't been touched. And I'm making wise decisions with my money. We live modestly and have everything we need so I give back when and where I can. It's not mine anyway, it's HIS and I'm honoring Him with my time & treasures. If He can get it THROUGH you He will get it TO you. 

If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.

Discerning God's Voice & Following Where I'm Led

July 24, 2017

I had posted the following blog on July 24, 2016...

I've always felt close to the Lord, like I can hear Him and get the message He's trying to tell/show me through life's experiences and influential people. It was no surprise that I scored high on discernment on my spiritual gifts inventory. However right now I'm wondering if I misunderstood the message or blurred it with the voices of the world, the voices inside my head, or my own selfish wants and drive. Sometimes it's hard during tough times to tell where I end and He begins, not my will but His. Did I interpret His will correctly? Was I obedient? Or was I overzealous? Right now I'm starting to feel like I was overzealous and went off blazing my own trail like "I got this" and now the sun is setting and I'm starting to realize I don't really know where I am or where I'm going. I need a sign, a word, a door that's open to know I'm still going in the right direction.

When I first began my journey as a special education teacher I prayed and prayed to be led in the right direction and to be protected as I worked with these delicate kids and families. They go through so much and as much as I understand, it's NOTHING in comparison to what they know, so I prayed for humility and wisdom. God opened doors and led me to great people who would teach me and fill my heart with so much joy. This last change is a little more difficult. Although I've moved schools or districts in the past, I've always been a sped teacher. I've always had a sense of stability, a predictable schedule, benefits, etc. and now I'm in a whole new world. It's been SO fulfilling and rewarding but it's also been challenging as I'm having to adjust from something I've known for 10 years and there's more unpredictability than what I'm used to. I'm having growing pains. I know I'm not lost, I'm never lost, I'm just a little scared out here in the woods.

Anyone ever feel this way or is it just me being the overthinker that I am?

I WAS in the right place at the right time! It was His plan and His plan has played out beautifully. Thank God that I was obedient because He has provided for me through CTBS (the company I work for) once Mark moved to heaven. He set me up for the worst day of my life and then let others care for me and carry me through it all. Thank you friends and thank you Jesus! If I wouldn't have followed I wouldn't have made it. If I wouldn't have taken the leap of faith I would've fallen short without Mark's income. His love and provision is AMAZING! I see you God! I see your hand. Thank you!!









❤️

Backpack Buddies

I sponsored a couple kids through church to buy school supplies for. I bought backpacks and school supplies and prayed for them each day. In addition to praying over their supplies I chose to write my prayers down since my kiddo is a 6th grader. Sixth grade is a highly influential time so I wanted him to know how loved and prayed for he is. I wanted to help lead him on the right path.

Day 1: "Dear Friend, Sixth grade is new and exciting and sometimes a little overwhelming. I pray that you will take this new beginning to make the most of yourself - your talents, your reputation, and your friendships. Choose your friends wisely and make smart choices. I pray that you will surround yourself with people that don't just want to have fun with you but want to look out for you and achieve things and grow with you. Have a great year!" (Read Proverbs 22:1 and Ecclesiastes 4:12)

Day 2: "Dear Friend, I know this is a time in your life when you want to do more, have more freedom, be your own person. You're growing into a young man now. Just be careful what you focus on or who you look up to. Not everything that glitters is gold. Whatever you give your time and attention to most will lead your life. Make sure to find a strong, smart, confident man to be your role model and guide you. I pray that you will be led by great men and women."

Day 3: "Dear Friend, The choices you make are like bricks of pavement on the road. They pave the way for your life. Make good choices, see good rewards. Make bad choices and your road will take you places you will regret and you don't want to go. I pray that you will make healthy choices and have friends that will help you make good choices."

Day 4: "Dear Friend, Your family is your core, your backbone. I know sometimes families fight and things aren't always roses and rainbows but they've got your back. Be loyal - don't turn your back on them. I pray that your family will be there for you and lead you to live the best life, that they will seek God during the hard times and come to Him with questions or frustrations. He can handle it. I pray that you always know you can turn to family with anything - don't struggle alone."

Day 5: "Dear Friend, Your life is now beginning. You're getting older and doing a little more on your own. The school work will be harder, mom/dad won't be there to remind you about projects due - you have to remember everything. This is just the beginning, especially if you want to go to college. I pray that you don't give up when things get tough. That's when you dig in and dig deeper inside yourself and give it your all and find what you're truly made of. You got this! I pray for your perseverance and for you to have a spirit of hope."

Day 6: "Dear Friend, You probably already know by now that happiness comes and goes. Not everyday is a good day but there is good in every day. Sometimes you just have to look for it. I pray that you will find joy in every day, even the hard ones. Find something to be thankful for. When you look for the positive in life your good days outnumber your bad days. You can't have a positive life with a negative attitude. Have an attitude of gratitude and #choosejoy."

Day 7: "Dear Friend, This is my last note. I hope you have enjoyed the letters of encouragement and the school supplies. The last thing I hope for you is the most important - I pray you will always turn to God and grow in your relationship with Him. He's not just some invisible being in the sky. He is real. I know because I have experienced His working in my life in ways that are too coincidental to be anything else BUT GOD. He is real and he hears every prayer, every thought. Talk to him, even if they are short prayers. I pray/talk to him in the car, in the shower and if I can't sleep at night. You don't have to pray special prayers or words, just tell him what's on your heart. Pray when you need help with decisions, pray when you're sad, pray to give thanks, pray without ceasing. The more you talk to him and wait for him to show you what to do (listen) the closer y'all will be, just like any relationship. Go with God and grow with God. Lots of love!"

Finished praying for my #backpackbuddies If you can, please consider blessing some kiddos in your community as we gear up for another school year. #bts #bethelight

The Night Sky

July 19, 2017

I ordered a custom poster of the night sky. You send the company your date and location and they print a poster of the stars positions and constellations from that location on that night. I sent them the date that my sweet husband went home to heaven. January 6th, 2017 from Troy, Texas.

I'm looking at it from the beautiful perspective. Tragically beautiful like I say. That's the night he went home! The night he flew into the arms of Jesus! The night I long for and am so jealous of. I think it's beautiful and the vast night sky shows the wonder of the universe and that there is so much more out there than what we can see.

I can't wait to hang it in my bedroom!

I'm Worth It

July 18, 2017

I have been struggling with my sense of identify since losing my husband. I've been cherished and adored and loved so gloriously and I belonged to someone who treasured me. I was his and he was mine. Even during the hard times, when I lost sight of who I was in our marriage and what I wanted my husband looked at me with loving and forgiving eyes and led me back to myself and led me back to God. I felt His love and forgiveness when I was wrapped in my husband's arms during those dark days. We didn't have a perfect marriage but it was real and it was SO good. I knew that when I had him and I treasured him.

Now that I've lost him I'm having to find myself and my new identity without him. It's so hard! When I feel judged or rejected I feel myself getting down on myself. I opened up my "Jesus Calling" book and read today's devotional and it reminded me that my worth is determined by what God says about me.

I am beautiful. I am kind. I am good-hearted. I am wise. I am worth knowing. I am worth loving. I am to be treasured because ultimately I AM HIS. Mark knew this and treated me as such. I do feel alone but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not. Maybe for now but not forever.

Rough Nights

July 18, 2017 at 7:57 am

Since seeing my love in my dream I've had a few rough days. And nights. Especially nights. I almost called in to work today. I actually talked to my boss last night and said I wanted to stay home today. I just wanted to stay in bed with my head under the covers and cry into my pillow. I'm entitled to that every now and then.

Instead of sleeping the day away my internal alarm clock woke me up at 6 am as usual and I talked to God to decide what to do. Papa God said to get my butt up. So I did.

Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. That's what I did.

Grace is new every day and joy comes in the morning so I got my butt up and showed up to work. Then I showed up for my first client, and the next client, and the next client, until the day was done. That's the plan for tomorrow too.

Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. Repeat.