He did it again

Gosh I hadn’t blogged in a long time. There’s tons to catch up on so I figure I’ll start at the beginning and fill in the timeline as we go on this journey together. If you’re new let me catch you up to speed. 

I started this blog, “Shaken, not Stirred,” a few years ago after I lost my husband Mark. I was 34, he was 36, and it was very sudden and tragic and in my deepest, darkest grief I heard a quiet voice say, “Be a lighthouse.” So I did. I shared my testimonies, trials, and triumphs through social media. If you want to read more of his backstory and that experience you can read through old blogs. 

I got to the point in my widowhood journey that I had quit TRYING to find someone to bring me peace and joy and I found it in God, in friends, in nature. And then it happened. One night while I was out dancing with my girlfriends a sweet and charming man walked straight towards me and introduced himself. He seemed familiar but I couldn’t place him so I was polite and made small talk and then spent the next 10 minutes talking to my friend Natalie trying to figure out how I knew him. I remembered that we had 1 class together back in high school, my sophomore year/his senior year. Wow! How did he remember me? I went to sit with my friends and a couple songs later there he was. He walked right up to me, put out his hand, and asked me to dance. We danced and talked while we danced and by the time I knew it 3 songs had gone by and I was inviting him to church the next morning. Right there on the dance floor! I would go back to sit with my friends and he would come back, hold out his hand without saying a word, and I’d get up and go dance with him again. It felt so natural, like he was my new home. By the end of the night we danced to “Sangria” by Blake Shelton and had our first kiss right there on the dance floor. He walked me to my car and gave me a kiss goodnight and I felt butterflies! I got home and he called me to make sure I made it home and we talked on the phone until after 4am. 

I woke up the next morning and got ready for church and seriously doubted he would show up. We had been up all night and honestly, most men I had been on dates with were either flaky, deceitful, or would just give breadcrumbs and lead me on without actually being fully interested or invested. I told myself ‘if he comes, great, but if not it’s no biggie.’ Well I pulled into the parking lot and he texted me asking where he could find me in church. OMG he came! I walk in and stood in the gathering area and in he walks with his church shoes on and his tattered Bible in hand and my heart jumped for joy because THIS was the man I had been praying for. He was respectful and kind, he was a man of God, and he was honest and committed even from the beginning. He didn’t play games with my heart, he said what he meant and meant what he said. He was a man of integrity I already knew it. We went to church and then had lunch together and our relationship took off at warp speed. 

Gabe and I met on March 22, 2019. By June we took our first out of state vacation together, and by August we were engaged. We planned a big, beautiful wedding together, I did all the decorating DIY, and he baked our wedding cake! We got married on January 25, 2020. We were married 1.5 years and made so many memories together. We blended our families together and our teenagers really hit it off, his girls and my boy are all within 1-2 years of each other. We were busy and blessed and so happy! We cherished every single second. 

And then he died. 

I’m still having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that God gave me everything I had been praying for and then in such a short time he was taken back home to heaven, leaving me and the kids here to mourn and figure out life without him. I don’t understand. Gabe was SUCH a good man, the most selfless man I’ll ever know. He was a big man with a big personality and an even bigger heart. He was never sick. He never stopped moving and doing stuff for others. But one day he ran across someone with Covid and he got it and it hit him hard and fast. 

He got sick over the 4th of July weekend and by July 7th he was in the ER and he was intubated on July 8th. That was the last time we spoke. His last words to me were “I love you so much. Take care of my girls” and I told him I loved him so SO much and not to worry about us, I would take care of them and we would be okay he just needs to rest and get better. He was on the ventilator for 18 days with no improvement to his lungs. We prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle, for God to heal him even just a little bit, just enough for the doctors to be able to do their work and help him get better! We prayed day and night, in private and in public prayer vigils. The whole town was praying with us. We had people praying from all over the US and even some friends in Germany were praying with us. God HAD to hear us! Gabe was a faithful man. A righteous man of God. I have strong faith. He HAD to hear us, right? 

I spent the last night with him in the ICU and was in worship and prayer all night long. I prayed without ceasing. I read scripture to him, I prayed over him, and I told anybody who came to work with him that I wanted them to pray while they worked on him. Any hands that touched him had to be channeling God to him that night. 

My prayer focus shifted that night. I knew we were at the end of our road and as much as I wanted God to spare him I knew that He may not. I’ve been down this road before and I know that sometimes our plans don’t line up with God’s plans for whatever reason. I don’t know the reason nor do I understand nor do I like it but I had to accept it regardless of how it turned out for us. My prayer focus shifted to, “Please God heal him in this life or the next, please God give us peace, please God be with my husband.” I continued to pray for miracle healing up until he took his last breath but I also prayed for God’s will to be done and for grace for us who are left behind missing him. 

My husband Gabe passed away on Sunday July 25, 2021 surrounded by family. I don’t know how I’m going to do this again but I know I have to. I know I have to be okay for his girls. I promised him. And I have to be okay for my son who’s already lost one stepdad and is now having to lose another whom he loved SO MUCH and was so grateful to have in our lives. I can’t believe lightning has struck twice and that I’m widowed again and I’m not even 40 yet. It’s almost unheard of, I’ve lost two husbands in less than 5 years. I can’t help but question God and ask why He would bring this beautiful man into my life only to take him away. God he was such a blessing! I’ll never understand, maybe it’s not for me to understand. Maybe I just have to trust and keep walking forward. So I’m walking forward, it feels like I’m walking through mud but I’m walking. I’m praying for peace and purpose. There’s GOTTA be a purpose for the pain! I just don’t understand. I keep reminding myself that God is good and He works all things together for our good. Even this. Even now. God remind me. 

Forgiveness

Last week’s sermon was on forgiveness. We read the book of Philemon and learned about God’s grace and forgiveness and our duty as Christians to forgive. We know this, right? Well the action step for us last week was to seek forgiveness from others.  I’ve done a pretty good job of that along the course of my life. I even asked my ex for forgiveness a year AFTER we divorced, when I was finally ready. The only person I felt I needed forgiveness from is no longer here to forgive me. So I prayed about it and I talked to friends and decided to write my Mark a letter, seeking his forgiveness. It’s stuff I already talked to him about during those first days and months after his passing. I’ve asked for his forgiveness over and over since January 6th but I keep asking. Maybe it’s me who needs to forgive myself. OOH REVELATION!!!

Anyway this week’s sermon was on forgiving others.  I knew this sermon was coming so I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what would be asked of me. As a Christian I know what I’m supposed to do, but as a person, a woman who lost her husband to drinking and driving, I wasn’t prepared to forgive yet. Immediately after the accident, within the first two or three days, I reached out to his friends that he was with him that night and told them it wasn’t their fault and that he wouldn’t want them to blame themselves. I said all this, and I meant it, but I didn’t realize at the time that I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, on his behalf basically.

After the funeral I felt myself becoming more angry with them. They were his best friends,  they were supposed to look out for him. I felt like they influenced him in a negative way and they didn’t support his growth, our marriage, or me as his wife who only wanted the best for him. I was always made into the bad guy, the nagging wife, the ball and chain, trying to act like his mama or rain on his parade. Over the years they called me names, said I was stuck up for not wanting to be a part of that scene, said I was trying to change him.  Maybe I was in a sense. I was trying to help him change the bad parts and grow into the best version of himself, the man I always knew he could be.

I have been harboring bitterness and unforgiveness towards them since the accident. Not once have they reached out to me, no text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook texts or messages. They haven’t stopped by to check on us or to see him, his urn, his memorial. I will admit that I unfriended them on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see their lives going on when mine had been ruined, the love of my life so quickly and drastically taken away. It was too hard and I was bitter. Over the course of this year I have felt myself working through all the emotions associated with grief and loss. I’m processing everything and learning how to live again. I’m learning how to let go of regret, all the shoulda, coulda, woulda‘s from that night. I feel myself getting closer to being able to forgive them.

So after the sermon this week I met with the pastor and asked, “How do I know when I’m there? How do I know when I’m ready to actually say the words to them, I forgive you.”  I’m past the anger stage and the bitterness stage, and I don’t wish anything bad on them nor do I want to seek revenge. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I pray for them. But does that mean I’m ready to forgive them?  And if so, how do I do that? What do I say? What does that mean as far as a relationship goes? Do we have to be friends? My pastor said that my obligation as a Christian who has been forgiven is to forgive those who have sinned against me and to seek reconciliation but it’s okay to have boundaries.  He said that I should just pray about it and ask God to make it clear to me what I am to do. He challenged me to pray for them every day this week.

This morning as I was on my way to work I was talking to God, like I normally do. I prayed for them this morning and then I asked God how I was supposed to make this happen. How can I forgive them after they encouraged him and directly caused his excessive drinking that night which caused the accident?  I know he was a grown man, no one had to force him to drink, he did it to himself, but he was a social drinker. He was the life of the party and everybody loved “Good Time Mark.” Nobody stood in his way over the years. Nobody told him enough was enough. Nobody reminded him that he had a good thing at home and he needed to go home instead of the bar. I asked God “How can I fogive them when they were part of the problem?” And right then and there he put it on my heart. I heard him say, “How could they help him when they can’t even help themselves in that area? Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I remember Christ on the cross pleading to God to forgive those that were crucifying him, AS they were crucifying him. It was during this conversation with God this morning that I realized, they may have been part of the problem but they are battling the same demons that he was, caught in the same parterns. No wonder they never spoke truth to him, they don’t know it for themselves. But when you know better, you do better. So I acknowledged that I heard him loud and clear and said “OK Lord you’ve told me what I need to do, now lead me to do it and give me the words.”

I went about my day and rushed from work to my grief share meeting after work.  I already completed the grief share program at the beginning of the year but I’m going through it a second time just because it helps. But because this is my second go-round, my attendance has been spotty. I’ve only gone to about three meetings. I am in a better place now and I don’t need it as much as I did during the initial weeks and months. I hadn’t been to a grief share meeting in the last three weeks but decided that today I was going to go. I walked in and wouldn’t you know the seminar was about forgiveness. Again, “OK Lord I hear you loud and clear.” So I’m certain I know what I need to do.

I came home and wrote a letter to Mark and asked for forgiveness for all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed him, especially that night. And then I forgave him for leaving me, for choosing his friends and the party lifestyle over me sometimes, for letting his demons control his behavior sometimes. I forgive him for everything because I love him. And then I told him what I would say to his friends, given the opportunity. I’m going to try to reach out to them. They may hang up on me or slam the door in my face, but I feel like they need to hear it from me that I forgive them and that I understand. I understand that they didn’t mean for it to happen and that if they could take it all back they would because they loved him too. I know how bad it hurts and how heavily guilt weighs on your shoulders. I know the burden that they’re bearing. I’m telling them to lay it down. I wish things could’ve been different but they’re not and they are not completely to blame and I realize that now. I recognize the struggles that they face: the same struggles he did, and now the struggle for peace, the struggle with guilt, the struggle for forgiveness. I see them, I feel their pain, I hear their hearts, & I forgive them.

If you’re reading this... I forgive you. Mark loved you and I love you. Don’t let him go in vain. When you know better, you do better. Do better. Live better. Love harder. Try harder. Do better. It’s all we can do, just try to do better every day and be obedient to our Father in Heaven. I’m trying and I hope you’ll accept my forgiveness and live free in the grace and peace that only comes from knowing Him and walking with Him. I’m free and I’m forgiven and now I forgive you.

Much love,

Cassi

Survive and Thrive

My motto for the first half of the year was "Breathe." It was all I could do when Mark passed and there were many times I had to remind myself to just breathe. Now I'm surviving all the firsts without him. I survived the first Valentine's Day without him, first birthday without him, first Father's Day, and now our first vacation without him.

I decided a couple months back that Bub and I needed a vacation after the year we've had so I booked a cruise for us. I knew I wanted to take a big trip but didn't feel safe taking him cross country on my own yet (the movie Taken kept replaying in my head). I figured a cruise was the safest way to go. I could check him in to the teen club and he could come and go as he pleases and hang with kids his own age but we could still eat together and do stuff together. The ship has cameras, security, and is self-contained and all-inclusive so I felt it was the best vacation for us to go on as a newly single mom.

The night before I was making sure the tags were on our luggage and all our documents were in order and I started to freak out a little. I was nervous about navigating the parking/cruise terminal and getting through embarkation on my own. Then I started to get nervous about the alone time I would have on the ship... what would I do when I was alone? Would I get lonely? I started to stress. I did everything I needed to do and talked to friends who assured me that I would be alright so I went to bed with that in my head. "I'll be alright. It'll be fun."

We made it to Galveston with time to spare. Traffic wasn't a bother and I was able to navigate there with no problems thanks to google maps. Issac rolled the big suitcase to be checked in by the stewards and I carried the carry-on bags and we made it through embarkation in about 30 minutes! That was a relief! Then we were on the ship and off to explore while we waited for our room to be ready and luggage to be delivered.

Day 1: Fun & full of excitement. We had lunch on the Lido (party) deck and checked out the schedule and made a plan for the night. We went swimming, got our teeth whitened at the spa, he went back out to the pool, and I had the best 2 hour full body massage EVER. I'm talkin hot seaweed wrap, shower, scalp massage/neck/shoulders/arms/fingers, legs/feet-reflexology, another shower, flip onto your stomach and she does a full body massage from the back, then flip and she does the full body from the front. It was A-MAZING. Well worth the money. She did say she was concerned about the stress knot I have in my neck/shoulderblade area...hmmm I wonder why? Note to self... get simple massages more regularly. Well the massage lasted longer than I expected and we missed dinner in the dining room so we had the buffet instead. Then we caught a PG comedy show and went our separate ways. He went to his teen club and I went to the adult comedy show. We met back up in the room around midnight. I survived Day 1.


Day 2: It was too much fun but it was also setting in that I was alone. Sitting out on the deck I did some people watching. Here's how my day went.

I need a poolchair....there's one, that's all I need. I'll just sandwich myself in between the skinny girl with a cute suit and the other skinny girl with a hot husband. Perfect! I'll take a Mojito please. Hmm, now what? There's lots of couples on the cruise. Newly married couples, boyfriend/girlfriend couples, couples that are getting engaged on the cruise/island, couples that have been married for years... I wanted to be married that long. Ugh. Another Mojito pelase! Oh look, they're selling gold jewelry over there, tax-free/duty-free, maybe I can find a gold ring guard for my emerald ring that Mark bought me. (I look down at my rings and get sad that there's not a wedding ring there). The girl to my right compliments my emerald ring so I tell her thanks, my husband bought it for my birthday since it's my birthstone. She asked if he stayed home so of course I had to tell her he passed and got the "Oh I'm so sorry" reply to which I just smiled and said thank you... another Mojito please! We got to talking and laughing and by the time time I knew it I was dancing on the deck! What sadness?? Alcohol makes me happy! By this time I was burnt to a crisp and had lost count of the Mojitos and my child, who I hadn't seen since around 10 am when he ditched me to run around with friends. I took that as my cue to leave. I survived my first day at sea alone.

I went back to the room to freshen up for dinner (which we didn't make it to by the way... thank you Mojitos). We brought plates back to our room and turned in early that night. Bub was tired from his day of running around and swimming and I spent my evening in and out of the cold shower to feel better.

Day 3: We woke up early to get a head start on the day. We had breakfast and then we were off to Playa del Carmen for our adventure excursion. We had so much fun tubing, snorkeling, zip-lining, but again, there was a hole in my heart and a frog in my throat at times. The constant thought, "Mark would've loved this" or "Mark would never do that" or "Mark would've done..." He's always there, always on my mind even if he's there at the back of my mind. That's just the way it is now. I've come to accept it. We had a blast and got back to the ship and had time to shower and rest before dinner. Bub and I had dinner in the dining room. He was excited to get to eat a fancy dinner and his face lit up when I told him he could order his own appetizer (not have to share a table appetizer) AND dessert. After dinner he went to hang out with friends and I went to the Love & Marriage show (kind of like the newlywed game but with 3 couples: newlyweds, a middle-of-the-road couple, and a long-lasting couple). It was super funny and I identified so much with it. I don't feel single. I still feel married. I laughed and answered the questions in my head as to what Mark would do/say. I felt the lump in my throat swelling again so I ordered... a glass of wine. NOT a Mojito! Not after yesterday. Well, in an auditorium full of people there's bound to be a mix-up. My wine never came :( Oh well, it's probably better that way. I went to the room and turned in for the night. It was after 11 anyway. I survived our day of adventures alone in Mexico!

     

             

Day 4: I woke up around 6 am as usual but made myself go back to sleep. Bub & I slept in until room service came and kicked us out at 11:30. We went to the Lido deck (I did NOT want to go out there in the sun again but that's where everything was happening) and had lunch. He ran into friends AGAIN and we went back to the room to change into our swimsuits and he ran off again. I laid out for a bit, you know, to even out the sunburn, and then got in the pool and people watched and drank pina coladas (something milder than Mojitos). A couple hours out there and I was over it. I went in and went to a show, then back to the room to shower and pack to leave tomorrow. Bub came back to the room around the same time I did and we laid in bed and watched movies all evening, until dinner. We had drinks at the lounge before dinner (he had a coke and I had a Jack & coke) and then we had dinner in the dining room again. After 4 days of running around I think we were both done so we went back to the room for more movies in bed.

Day 5: We woke up bright & early to get our stuff and get off the boat. We had one last breakfast before getting off the ship and making our way through the debarkation process. We made it through customs/border patrol, the shuttle, and found our car in the parking lot with no problem! I survived debarkation! Then we hit the road. I turned my music on and he slept... the whole way... like a true teenager.

When we got home I left all the bags in the car and plopped down on the bed, hugged my Mark pillow tight, pulled the covers over my head, and let it all out. It sucks coming home to nothingness, not having anybody missing you or thinking about you at home, not having anyone to tell all the details of your trip to. It sucks having to vacation alone as a single mom when you were a family just 9 months ago.

It sucks. I didn't ask for this but it is what it is and it's the only life we've got to live so we're making the best of it, even if it means surviving little moments one at a time. We survived. We thrived! We had fun and made memories that will last a lifetime. I loved seeing my boy smile and his face light up with every new experience, every new food he got to eat, sight he got to see. I loved hearing him say, "Thanks Mom, I love you!" I loved bonding with him and sharing a little more of myself with him on a personal level (not too much though, I'm still MOM). I did it. I survived our first family vacation as a family of 2. I feel empowered and exhausted all at the same time. I wish it was Sunday because I need church to refill me and refuel me for the week.

Who knows what this week will hold. It's the first week of school so tomorrow will be back to normal with parent drop-off and pick-ups, dinner, homework, and normal life. Wish us well as this is the first school year from start-to-finish where it's just the two of us. Hopefully he doesn't give me hell about homework the way he did last year when Mark had to get onto him. Hopefully he has his head on straight this year. There's going to be many more firsts without Dad around this year: band performances, homecoming dances, swim meets, etc. but we will survive...and we will thrive!. It's what we do. We are warriors!

A Table for One

August 6, 2017

I went to church early today to be a greeter and got pulled to work in the toddler room instead. Someone had called in and they needed extra hands. I got to play with sweet 2 year olds! I'm happy to be used where I'm needed. I spent the 10 am service in the toddler room and got to enjoy the late service instead.

After church I got the craving for Mexican food. Bub is with his dad and my friends all went to Comic Con so I knew I'd be eating alone. I was willing to do it because I wanted Mexican food. When I told the lady it would just be one she asked me if it was okay to sit at a 6-top table. (NO!!) I politely asked for a smaller table off to the back. Crazy lady, trying to sit me at that big empty table all by myself! No thank you!

I'm getting stronger and I'm able to eat alone now but I'll never feel comfortable doing it, much less sitting alone at a big table. It gets more normal but it never gets easier.

Paddling Through the Water

August 5, 2017

I spent the afternoon painting with friends. I LOVE the way everyone's paintings turned out. Mine has me in a kayak. Ever since Mark passed I have a new relationship with water. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, sometimes I feel powerful like I'm swimming, sometimes I feel like I'm barely coming up for air. My painting has me in a kayak just paddling through it, through the dark rough waters toward the beautiful sunset. 

My Body Needs to Match My Mind

Well I'm starting to slim down again. That's what happens when your world shifts and you don't eat for a while and then don't cook. Before Mark I was fit. I had good eating habits and was outgoing and adventurous. When we got together we enjoyed BBQing, going to the movies, out to eat, etc and my adventurous lifestyle gave way to love and happiness and being comfortable. I took on his eating habits and developed a few bad ones of my own (thank you Dad for the sweet tooth).

After he passed I didn't eat for a while due to shock. Then I didn't eat much bc I was in overdrive all the time and didn't feel like eating. Then it was bc I didn't want to cook (how do you cook for 1 person). These days I eat 1 meal: lunch. I know it's not good but I've never been a breakfast person (unless it's breakfast in bed). I have my coffee in the AM, eat lunch with the kids, and have wine in the evening. No sense cooking dinner or making a mess for just me. Sometimes I'll eat almonds and cheese for dinner. Sometimes I'll skip dinner altogether. My groceries go bad, I've had a bachelor's fridge, and I go-go-go so much that it doesn't even phase me.

I suppose now is the time to get it right. I'm clearing the fridge out today (there's hardly anything in it anyway) and next time I buy groceries it'll be stuff that's good for our bodies. I'm not going all crazy Vegan or anything, just going to do it better. And I SUPPOSE I'll join group fitness. I want my body to catch up to my mind now. My mind is strong, fearless, an overcomer. My body needs to be the same way again.

My Repurposed Ring

July 28, 2017

I have to brag because I'm so stinking excited!!! My husband passed in January in a tragic car accident. He was 37. I'm 35. I wore my wedding ring for a while but it hurt when people at church or whatever would see my ring and ask, "So what does your husband do," or "Where is your husband?" I didn't want to just store it in the jewelry box and didn't feel right wearing it on my right hand. 

After much thought I decided to work with a jeweler to re-purpose it. My husband was my biggest encourager and supporter when I went through grad school and he was so proud of me when I graduated and passed my licensing boards in December, three weeks before he passed. It seems perfect that his ring would wrap around my college ring. My jeweler took the diamonds and metal to make the wrap for my Aggie ring and made earrings and a necklace pendant out of the rest of it. I am SO IN LOVE WITH IT!!! It hurt my heart a little to see it broken apart like that but I'll get so much out of it this way now. It's a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven and I'm so happy with it.

My jeweler took the diamonds and metal from my wedding band and made a ring wrap for my Aggie ring. Now I can wear both of my favorite rings in one! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! What a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven. I love that he is part of my Aggie ring forever now! Thank you to my jewler, Ken Sanders, from the bottom of my heart!

Discerning God's Voice & Following Where I'm Led

July 24, 2017

I had posted the following blog on July 24, 2016...

I've always felt close to the Lord, like I can hear Him and get the message He's trying to tell/show me through life's experiences and influential people. It was no surprise that I scored high on discernment on my spiritual gifts inventory. However right now I'm wondering if I misunderstood the message or blurred it with the voices of the world, the voices inside my head, or my own selfish wants and drive. Sometimes it's hard during tough times to tell where I end and He begins, not my will but His. Did I interpret His will correctly? Was I obedient? Or was I overzealous? Right now I'm starting to feel like I was overzealous and went off blazing my own trail like "I got this" and now the sun is setting and I'm starting to realize I don't really know where I am or where I'm going. I need a sign, a word, a door that's open to know I'm still going in the right direction.

When I first began my journey as a special education teacher I prayed and prayed to be led in the right direction and to be protected as I worked with these delicate kids and families. They go through so much and as much as I understand, it's NOTHING in comparison to what they know, so I prayed for humility and wisdom. God opened doors and led me to great people who would teach me and fill my heart with so much joy. This last change is a little more difficult. Although I've moved schools or districts in the past, I've always been a sped teacher. I've always had a sense of stability, a predictable schedule, benefits, etc. and now I'm in a whole new world. It's been SO fulfilling and rewarding but it's also been challenging as I'm having to adjust from something I've known for 10 years and there's more unpredictability than what I'm used to. I'm having growing pains. I know I'm not lost, I'm never lost, I'm just a little scared out here in the woods.

Anyone ever feel this way or is it just me being the overthinker that I am?

I WAS in the right place at the right time! It was His plan and His plan has played out beautifully. Thank God that I was obedient because He has provided for me through CTBS (the company I work for) once Mark moved to heaven. He set me up for the worst day of my life and then let others care for me and carry me through it all. Thank you friends and thank you Jesus! If I wouldn't have followed I wouldn't have made it. If I wouldn't have taken the leap of faith I would've fallen short without Mark's income. His love and provision is AMAZING! I see you God! I see your hand. Thank you!!









❤️

Unselfish Love

July 22, 2017

I've decided to let Bub spend the rest of the summer at his dad's It wasn't an easy decision and I miss him like crazy but they've both agreed to stay in contact and give me every other weekend. He's bored here all day while I work until 6 because JJ isn't coming around anymore so it's just him and the dog. He's bored and lonely. Over there at his dad's he has cousins to hang out with all the time. I told him yesterday and these were his words to me...

"Are you sure mom? I don't want you to be sad because you're alone all the time. If you'll be okay then I'll do it. (After some reassuring...) I'm really proud of you mom, this is really big of you. I love you."

Aww my little man is proud of ME but his response made me SO proud of him!!! I love my sweet boy!

Backpack Buddies

I sponsored a couple kids through church to buy school supplies for. I bought backpacks and school supplies and prayed for them each day. In addition to praying over their supplies I chose to write my prayers down since my kiddo is a 6th grader. Sixth grade is a highly influential time so I wanted him to know how loved and prayed for he is. I wanted to help lead him on the right path.

Day 1: "Dear Friend, Sixth grade is new and exciting and sometimes a little overwhelming. I pray that you will take this new beginning to make the most of yourself - your talents, your reputation, and your friendships. Choose your friends wisely and make smart choices. I pray that you will surround yourself with people that don't just want to have fun with you but want to look out for you and achieve things and grow with you. Have a great year!" (Read Proverbs 22:1 and Ecclesiastes 4:12)

Day 2: "Dear Friend, I know this is a time in your life when you want to do more, have more freedom, be your own person. You're growing into a young man now. Just be careful what you focus on or who you look up to. Not everything that glitters is gold. Whatever you give your time and attention to most will lead your life. Make sure to find a strong, smart, confident man to be your role model and guide you. I pray that you will be led by great men and women."

Day 3: "Dear Friend, The choices you make are like bricks of pavement on the road. They pave the way for your life. Make good choices, see good rewards. Make bad choices and your road will take you places you will regret and you don't want to go. I pray that you will make healthy choices and have friends that will help you make good choices."

Day 4: "Dear Friend, Your family is your core, your backbone. I know sometimes families fight and things aren't always roses and rainbows but they've got your back. Be loyal - don't turn your back on them. I pray that your family will be there for you and lead you to live the best life, that they will seek God during the hard times and come to Him with questions or frustrations. He can handle it. I pray that you always know you can turn to family with anything - don't struggle alone."

Day 5: "Dear Friend, Your life is now beginning. You're getting older and doing a little more on your own. The school work will be harder, mom/dad won't be there to remind you about projects due - you have to remember everything. This is just the beginning, especially if you want to go to college. I pray that you don't give up when things get tough. That's when you dig in and dig deeper inside yourself and give it your all and find what you're truly made of. You got this! I pray for your perseverance and for you to have a spirit of hope."

Day 6: "Dear Friend, You probably already know by now that happiness comes and goes. Not everyday is a good day but there is good in every day. Sometimes you just have to look for it. I pray that you will find joy in every day, even the hard ones. Find something to be thankful for. When you look for the positive in life your good days outnumber your bad days. You can't have a positive life with a negative attitude. Have an attitude of gratitude and #choosejoy."

Day 7: "Dear Friend, This is my last note. I hope you have enjoyed the letters of encouragement and the school supplies. The last thing I hope for you is the most important - I pray you will always turn to God and grow in your relationship with Him. He's not just some invisible being in the sky. He is real. I know because I have experienced His working in my life in ways that are too coincidental to be anything else BUT GOD. He is real and he hears every prayer, every thought. Talk to him, even if they are short prayers. I pray/talk to him in the car, in the shower and if I can't sleep at night. You don't have to pray special prayers or words, just tell him what's on your heart. Pray when you need help with decisions, pray when you're sad, pray to give thanks, pray without ceasing. The more you talk to him and wait for him to show you what to do (listen) the closer y'all will be, just like any relationship. Go with God and grow with God. Lots of love!"

Finished praying for my #backpackbuddies If you can, please consider blessing some kiddos in your community as we gear up for another school year. #bts #bethelight

I'm Worth It

July 18, 2017

I have been struggling with my sense of identify since losing my husband. I've been cherished and adored and loved so gloriously and I belonged to someone who treasured me. I was his and he was mine. Even during the hard times, when I lost sight of who I was in our marriage and what I wanted my husband looked at me with loving and forgiving eyes and led me back to myself and led me back to God. I felt His love and forgiveness when I was wrapped in my husband's arms during those dark days. We didn't have a perfect marriage but it was real and it was SO good. I knew that when I had him and I treasured him.

Now that I've lost him I'm having to find myself and my new identity without him. It's so hard! When I feel judged or rejected I feel myself getting down on myself. I opened up my "Jesus Calling" book and read today's devotional and it reminded me that my worth is determined by what God says about me.

I am beautiful. I am kind. I am good-hearted. I am wise. I am worth knowing. I am worth loving. I am to be treasured because ultimately I AM HIS. Mark knew this and treated me as such. I do feel alone but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not. Maybe for now but not forever.

Rough Nights

July 18, 2017 at 7:57 am

Since seeing my love in my dream I've had a few rough days. And nights. Especially nights. I almost called in to work today. I actually talked to my boss last night and said I wanted to stay home today. I just wanted to stay in bed with my head under the covers and cry into my pillow. I'm entitled to that every now and then.

Instead of sleeping the day away my internal alarm clock woke me up at 6 am as usual and I talked to God to decide what to do. Papa God said to get my butt up. So I did.

Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. That's what I did.

Grace is new every day and joy comes in the morning so I got my butt up and showed up to work. Then I showed up for my first client, and the next client, and the next client, until the day was done. That's the plan for tomorrow too.

Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. Repeat.

The Good Wife

I was a good wife. I was his best friend. I was his confidant, his wise counsel, his encourager. I prayed for him daily, sometimes multiple times a day depending on what we were going through. I was praying for him the night he passed. I was a good wife.

I lifted him up, led him, tried to protect him. I spoke truth in love to him even though he didn't always want to hear it. I was his helper. I helped him raise his daughter. I helped him relate to his mother. I helped him pursue better opportunities career wise. I was a good wife.

Marriage is a process of sanctification. God uses your spouse to stretch you and mold you and teach you about yourself, each other, and bring you closer to Him. It's the most trying and beautiful experience, aside from purposeful parenting. It's what I always strived to do, to honor God and honor my husband through the ups and downs.

I wasn't perfect. No one is. I failed him a time or two. I hurt him, made him cry, brought him to his knees... we both did. We came to the brink, on the verge of divorce, but we found our strength in the Lord and held onto each other and pushed and pulled our way through it.

When I lost my focus and strayed from my faith he picked me up and brought me back to the Lord. He helped me find myself again. He loved me like Jesus and I will never forget that. I spent my time trying to be a good wife to him.

This is what I was made for... to be a good mother and wife. To minister to my family and lead them to Christ. To train up my son to be a humble, honest, wise man of God who will eventually be a good husband and father. To minister to my husband and lead him to have a deeper relationship with the Lord. To show grace and love and forgiveness to my family.

My biggest mission, more important than my work or other relationships, was this mission. I want God to look at me when my day comes and say, "Good job, good and faithful one." I tried. Everyday I tried. Some days were harder than others but I never lost hope. I never gave up on him. I was a good wife.

Now I'm a widow. I have a lot to offer and I feel like I'm wasting it away now. I still minister to my son and pour myself into my work and kiddos with special needs. I pour myself into other women at church. I pour myself into my church, volunteering as often as I can. But my calling to be a good wife is... gone? I was a good wife! How do you go from being a wife to being alone? I used to belong to someone. He cherished me, valued me, respected me. And it was mutual. He was mine and I was his and now I'm no one's. My heart longs to love and be loved. Not to replace him or because I can't be alone, but because I am a good wife! It's what I was called to do. At least that's how I feel.

I was called to be a good wife and a good mother and to minister to those with special needs. I'm fulfilling my calling in every other aspect except for this one area now and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to wait but I'm forced to.

My prayers over time have changed. During our marriage I prayed for my husband: for his health, his job demands, his character, his decisions, his battles with his demons, his ability to be a good husband & father, his safety, his soul. The night he passed (before I knew for sure) I prayed for him to either be okay or be taken quickly and without suffering. I prayed for God to have mercy on him. I prayed for his soul. I prayed for his journey home. Then I've been praying for myself and the kids: for strength for this new journey, for peace & comfort, for wisdom and guidance with all the decisions, for forgiveness for all the ugliness that grief brings out of people. God has answered my prayers time and time again and has done it in a way that is visible, palpable to me so I can discern His hand in everything.

Now I pray for patience. I'm fine on my own. I'm busy with work, I find joy each day, I have great friends and family to hang out with, I love my job and my kiddos  (clients), I'm a great mom, I pay my own bills and support myself and my son with my head held high. I don't NEED a man in a codependent, I'm lonely and trying to fill the void kind of way. If he's not a good man I'm better off without him and I have no problem waiting... but then again I do. I've never been a patient person, especially in a case like this where I went from being a good wife to being no one's helper overnight.

So I pray for patience and I pray for God to send me a good, Godly man who understands grief and loss. A man who won't be intimidated by my love for my husband but will be inspired by it. A man who will lift me up and be my helper like I will be to him. The way Mark and I were together. I'm not trying to recreate things or replace him. No one can replace him, ever. I just want a helper and to be a helper to a good man. I want to fulfill this ministry again. I'm horrible at waiting. I want to be a good wife again someday. Because I already was. I was a good wife.