My motto for the first half of the year was "Breathe." It was all I could do when Mark passed and there were many times I had to remind myself to just breathe. Now I'm surviving all the firsts without him. I survived the first Valentine's Day without him, first birthday without him, first Father's Day, and now our first vacation without him.
I decided a couple months back that Bub and I needed a vacation after the year we've had so I booked a cruise for us. I knew I wanted to take a big trip but didn't feel safe taking him cross country on my own yet (the movie Taken kept replaying in my head). I figured a cruise was the safest way to go. I could check him in to the teen club and he could come and go as he pleases and hang with kids his own age but we could still eat together and do stuff together. The ship has cameras, security, and is self-contained and all-inclusive so I felt it was the best vacation for us to go on as a newly single mom.
The night before I was making sure the tags were on our luggage and all our documents were in order and I started to freak out a little. I was nervous about navigating the parking/cruise terminal and getting through embarkation on my own. Then I started to get nervous about the alone time I would have on the ship... what would I do when I was alone? Would I get lonely? I started to stress. I did everything I needed to do and talked to friends who assured me that I would be alright so I went to bed with that in my head. "I'll be alright. It'll be fun."
We made it to Galveston with time to spare. Traffic wasn't a bother and I was able to navigate there with no problems thanks to google maps. Issac rolled the big suitcase to be checked in by the stewards and I carried the carry-on bags and we made it through embarkation in about 30 minutes! That was a relief! Then we were on the ship and off to explore while we waited for our room to be ready and luggage to be delivered.
Day 1: Fun & full of excitement. We had lunch on the Lido (party) deck and checked out the schedule and made a plan for the night. We went swimming, got our teeth whitened at the spa, he went back out to the pool, and I had the best 2 hour full body massage EVER. I'm talkin hot seaweed wrap, shower, scalp massage/neck/shoulders/arms/fingers, legs/feet-reflexology, another shower, flip onto your stomach and she does a full body massage from the back, then flip and she does the full body from the front. It was A-MAZING. Well worth the money. She did say she was concerned about the stress knot I have in my neck/shoulderblade area...hmmm I wonder why? Note to self... get simple massages more regularly. Well the massage lasted longer than I expected and we missed dinner in the dining room so we had the buffet instead. Then we caught a PG comedy show and went our separate ways. He went to his teen club and I went to the adult comedy show. We met back up in the room around midnight. I survived Day 1.
Day 2: It was too much fun but it was also setting in that I was alone. Sitting out on the deck I did some people watching. Here's how my day went.
I need a poolchair....there's one, that's all I need. I'll just sandwich myself in between the skinny girl with a cute suit and the other skinny girl with a hot husband. Perfect! I'll take a Mojito please. Hmm, now what? There's lots of couples on the cruise. Newly married couples, boyfriend/girlfriend couples, couples that are getting engaged on the cruise/island, couples that have been married for years... I wanted to be married that long. Ugh. Another Mojito pelase! Oh look, they're selling gold jewelry over there, tax-free/duty-free, maybe I can find a gold ring guard for my emerald ring that Mark bought me. (I look down at my rings and get sad that there's not a wedding ring there). The girl to my right compliments my emerald ring so I tell her thanks, my husband bought it for my birthday since it's my birthstone. She asked if he stayed home so of course I had to tell her he passed and got the "Oh I'm so sorry" reply to which I just smiled and said thank you... another Mojito please! We got to talking and laughing and by the time time I knew it I was dancing on the deck! What sadness?? Alcohol makes me happy! By this time I was burnt to a crisp and had lost count of the Mojitos and my child, who I hadn't seen since around 10 am when he ditched me to run around with friends. I took that as my cue to leave. I survived my first day at sea alone.
I went back to the room to freshen up for dinner (which we didn't make it to by the way... thank you Mojitos). We brought plates back to our room and turned in early that night. Bub was tired from his day of running around and swimming and I spent my evening in and out of the cold shower to feel better.
Day 3: We woke up early to get a head start on the day. We had breakfast and then we were off to Playa del Carmen for our adventure excursion. We had so much fun tubing, snorkeling, zip-lining, but again, there was a hole in my heart and a frog in my throat at times. The constant thought, "Mark would've loved this" or "Mark would never do that" or "Mark would've done..." He's always there, always on my mind even if he's there at the back of my mind. That's just the way it is now. I've come to accept it. We had a blast and got back to the ship and had time to shower and rest before dinner. Bub and I had dinner in the dining room. He was excited to get to eat a fancy dinner and his face lit up when I told him he could order his
own appetizer (not have to share a table appetizer)
AND dessert. After dinner he went to hang out with friends and I went to the Love & Marriage show (kind of like the newlywed game but with 3 couples: newlyweds, a middle-of-the-road couple, and a long-lasting couple). It was super funny and I identified so much with it. I don't feel single. I still feel married. I laughed and answered the questions in my head as to what Mark would do/say. I felt the lump in my throat swelling again so I ordered... a glass of wine. NOT a Mojito! Not after yesterday. Well, in an auditorium full of people there's bound to be a mix-up. My wine never came :( Oh well, it's probably better that way. I went to the room and turned in for the night. It was after 11 anyway. I survived our day of adventures alone in Mexico!
Day 4: I woke up around 6 am as usual but made myself go back to sleep. Bub & I slept in until room service came and kicked us out at 11:30. We went to the Lido deck (I did NOT want to go out there in the sun again but that's where everything was happening) and had lunch. He ran into friends AGAIN and we went back to the room to change into our swimsuits and he ran off again. I laid out for a bit, you know, to even out the sunburn, and then got in the pool and people watched and drank pina coladas (something milder than Mojitos). A couple hours out there and I was over it. I went in and went to a show, then back to the room to shower and pack to leave tomorrow. Bub came back to the room around the same time I did and we laid in bed and watched movies all evening, until dinner. We had drinks at the lounge before dinner (he had a coke and I had a Jack & coke) and then we had dinner in the dining room again. After 4 days of running around I think we were both done so we went back to the room for more movies in bed.
Day 5: We woke up bright & early to get our stuff and get off the boat. We had one last breakfast before getting off the ship and making our way through the debarkation process. We made it through customs/border patrol, the shuttle, and found our car in the parking lot with no problem! I survived debarkation! Then we hit the road. I turned my music on and he slept... the whole way... like a true teenager.
When we got home I left all the bags in the car and plopped down on the bed, hugged my Mark pillow tight, pulled the covers over my head, and let it all out. It sucks coming home to nothingness, not having anybody missing you or thinking about you at home, not having anyone to tell all the details of your trip to. It sucks having to vacation alone as a single mom when you were a family just 9 months ago.
It sucks. I didn't ask for this but it is what it is and it's the only life we've got to live so we're making the best of it, even if it means surviving little moments one at a time. We survived. We thrived! We had fun and made memories that will last a lifetime. I loved seeing my boy smile and his face light up with every new experience, every new food he got to eat, sight he got to see. I loved hearing him say, "Thanks Mom, I love you!" I loved bonding with him and sharing a little more of myself with him on a personal level (not too much though, I'm still MOM). I did it. I survived our first family vacation as a family of 2. I feel empowered and exhausted all at the same time. I wish it was Sunday because I need church to refill me and refuel me for the week.
Who knows what this week will hold. It's the first week of school so tomorrow will be back to normal with parent drop-off and pick-ups, dinner, homework, and normal life. Wish us well as this is the first school year from start-to-finish where it's just the two of us. Hopefully he doesn't give me hell about homework the way he did last year when Mark had to get onto him. Hopefully he has his head on straight this year. There's going to be many more firsts without Dad around this year: band performances, homecoming dances, swim meets, etc. but we will survive...and we will thrive!. It's what we do. We are warriors!
