Opposite Day

You remember that game we used to play as kids when we would say and do the opposite of what others were saying? We said it was “Opposite Day” and did the opposite just to be annoying (please tell me I wasn’t the only annoying little turd out there)! 😂 I’m realizing that I had it all figured out way back then. THAT’S the secret to success and happiness! Just DO THE OPPOSITE of what you’re feeling!

Feel sad… do something that makes you joyful. Feel lonely… go out and socializeWanna stay in bed all day because you’re sad and lonely… get up and move your body and get out thereWanna be lazy and eat sweets… clean the house and eat fruitDon’t wanna have that talk because it’s scary… just say your opening lines and then sit and listen to the other person and do it in chunks.

I’ve found that when I’m feeling scared or depressed or anxious (or insert negative emotion here) I try not to let myself be led by my feelings. Instead I acknowledge the feeling but CHOOSE to do the opposite of what I’m feeling. Like right now, the loneliness is setting in and it’s hard!!! I want to stay in bed and mope but I’m going to make myself get up, workout, shower, and get out of the house! I know I’m lonely but I won’t be led by loneliness. I won’t stay in bed and sulk. Instead I’m saying to myself, “Yes this sucks. You can cry into your pillow tonight and feel all the feelings later but right now you will GET UP and fight it like the badass that you are!” So I’m doing the opposite in the moment and feeling the feelings when I’ve given myself permission to do so. I am in control of my feelings they do not control me. There’s actually a name for this, it’s called “Acceptance & Commitment Therapy.” You accept what is, don’t try to fake it change it but accept it, and commit to a plan to get through it. *For more info click the link at the end of the blog.

It’s hard. Losing your spouse is hard at any age. Losing a second spouse so soon after the first (I’ve lost 2 husbands in less than 5 years) is definitely rare and SUPER HARD. In some ways it’s easier this time around, in other ways it’s so much harder. 
If I’m comparing losses I feel like where I am today in my grief journey (3 mos. out) is where I was a year after losing Mark. That loss hit me harder bc there was no prep for it and there was trauma involved. It took me longer to process and accept and move through because I had never been through it before. There was no roadmap for me, I had to forge my own path. 

This time it’s different. It’s like muscle memory, learning history. I know what to do and how to do it. I had time to pray and prep while Gabe was in ICU so my mind could wrap around it some. I had time with God and him and I feel at peace now because I got to pray him across and be with him in those final days and moments. It doesn’t change the fact that I think of him everyday but it’s just different. Not bad. DIFFERENT. My heart misses him but feels peace because I know where he is and I know we’ll be alright. 

Maybe it’s God’s way of lightening the burden on my heart so it won’t just explode and die. Whatever it is, I’ll be honest, it makes it hard to be patient with the process and sit in the feelings all over again. Especially when people say, “You’re young, you’ll find love again!” I have my doubts but I’ll be honest, it’s what I want too. I’ve always been a person who craves connection and companionship. I can’t help it, that’s just how God made me. But he also made me a thinker. I’m like a 50/50 split because I feel all the feelings but I think my way through things and know how to manage them. 

I’m really being put to the test because I FEEL confident and further along in my grief journey than my timeline tells people I should be. People think, “Oh wow it’s only been a few months” and judge (positively or negatively) but it’s because it’s outside judgement. They haven’t walked my walk and don’t understand how I could be okay or even thinking about moving forward. That’s what makes this journey harder. My Bub and I have been here before and know how to manage and move through it. The girls have not. It’s new and raw and harder for them. I have to be mindful of the fact that they don’t understand my journey is different than theirs and I have to be empathetic to their feelings and their timeline. 

So for me everyday is Opposite Day. I live in the awkward space I call the “in-between” where I feel the feelings but grieve with joy and move forward. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed… I’m getting up to workout right now. Sometimes I want to be selfish and do what makes me happy but I’ll do the opposite for the sake of the kids. And everyday I pray for peace with the process and for God to guide my steps and lead me to lead them because I can’t do this on my own.

https://positivepsychology.com/act-acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/

We'll See

I met a guy. I've met lots of guys but none worth my time. But this guy is different. I think. We'll see...

We met a few weeks ago online and have talked and texted and FaceTimed but hadn't met in person. He came on strong and it made me wary because we hadn't met in person and I questioned his intentions.

Since then we've met in person and gone out a few times and we definitely click. He's introduced me to a couple friends and he invited me to his birthday thing next weekend in Austin with his friends. I'm having a get together tomorrow and he's supposed to come. We'll see. He says he's all in. He says he knows I've been through hell and back and he's not here to hurt me. We'll see.

So far I like what I see. He calls me every morning and night and we text throughout the day. He's not afraid to talk about things: issues in past relationships, what he wants in the future, issues with the kids. I'm starting to think he's for real and not just playing games but we'll see.

I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. I keep thinking I'm an easy target bc I'm a young widow, like I'm a conquest to be had. I hope and pray that's not the case and that he sticks around. He says he's not going anywhere. We'll see.

My best friend said it's really rare to find love right off the bat and you might have to kiss a few frogs before finding it again but don't let that keep you from trying. Maybe he's not my forever, maybe he's my for now of for however long this season is. I'm trying to go with it and not drag my feet out of fear. It's hard bc it's so scary. I'm afraid to give my heart away and have it broken again. But I guess if I could survive the heartbreak of losing my sweet husband I can survive a breakup. We'll see.

My wise 13 year old said, "Don't break his trust by going on dates with anyone else because he seems like a good guy but guard your heart a little bit until you know for sure." Smart kid. I did that (proud momma moment). So that's what I'm doing. Here we go. We'll see how it goes.

Well He Did It Again

Before I started dating in July I talked to my husband in heaven and I prayed to God to help me guard my already broken and fragile heart. I asked that He would send me a man who was a good man, one with good qualities, someone who would run this race alongside me with endurance. Since then He’s made good on His promise to protect me.

I dated a guy for a month and when I was at the point of wrapping my mind around making it to 1st base (I hadn’t even allowed that at first) he lost interest and moved on. Then there was J. We had a good connection and a lot in common. We actually kissed a few times and there were butterflies and I started to look forward to his calls and texts. And then one day he said, “it’s not you, it’s me,” and he disappeared. I took it as another crisis averted, although that one stung a little. Since then I’ve tried to find peace and wholeness in myself and in God and if I’m asked out on a date then I’ll go but I’m not actively seeking it out or stressing about being alone... as much.

Well He did it again. I wasn’t seeking anything out. I’ve been talking to someone and we had planned to go out tonight. I really enjoy his company and our conversations and my mind began to think there might be something more to this. It might be a road worth going down. But then something came up and he had to cancel. I could look at it as a coincidence, just an unfortunate inconvenience, but I’m thinking God is protecting me yet again. I’ve seen the red flags with all of them but I choose to see the best in people and give the benefit of the doubt and I’ve ignored the red flags. Maybe God knows my weakness and He knows I’m not strong enough to call it quits once we start dating so He’s removing them from my path before I get in too deep. He knows I’m lonely and may not have the best judgement right now so He’s helping me out.

At least that’s what I choose to believe. Ask and it shall be granted. I prayed and trusted that He would supply all my needs and He would protect me and He is. Sometimes things don’t work out but it all all being woven together and worked for my good. It’s all good.

Highs and Lows

As most of you know I have started dating. I find my peace in the Lord and have been comforted  and provided for and protected in so many ways but the one thing that's missing are strong arms to hold me.  I'm human. I'm a woman. I want to be wanted and loved and treasured. It's hard for me to reconcile my belief  that God is the husband to the widow and the father to the fatherless with the fact that he is not a physical being that can hug me back.  He sent his son to be a physical being but He has come and gone and I am following after him but I'm alone and that gets lonely sometimes. I am staying strong and standing firm in my faith and I'm standing on my own two feet in the meantime but I'm open to dating and relationships because I want to be loved again. My dating is not an attempt to fill a void or replace my husband but at the same time there is a void and an emptiness that can't be filled, only understood. I just want someone who understands loss and is still interested in me and wants to spend time with me.

I went on a date yesterday with someone new. I was excited about going on the date.  I don't know if it's because we share the same cultural background and that made me feel more comfortable or if it's because  I had already gone on a few dates so I was more comfortable. Either way I went into the date feeling excited and confident. I was still a little nervous, not knowing what he would be like in person, his personality, etc. but things actually went really well. We met at a restaurant and had dinner and the conversation flowed easily. I was able to joke and laugh and be myself and he seemed as if he was comfortable and being himself as well. He was funny without trying too hard. He was a gentleman. He was attentive and interested in getting to know me and my story. He complemented me, which was nice. He seemed as if he was into me which was nice because I would like to know more about him. We hit it off and I left the date feeling optimistic and excited and on a high.

Today, however, I came crashing down. I realize that I am good with going on dates.  I am good at going on dates. I'm personable, kind of funny, a little outgoing, and I'm good company. I'm good AT going on dates.  And I'm good at being a wife. It's the in between area that I'm finding that I struggle with. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to start over from square one  and not let my heart run ahead. I don't know how to just chill and let things happen without wondering about where the relationship or friendship is going. I'm a good wife and considering the fact that I'm not married anymore and I'm not sure that I want to remarry, I'd be a good girlfriend.  I'm good with that, being a good girlfriend, but getting from point A to point B is hard for me. It's hard for me to not be ALL IN. I usually have a pretty good sense about people, pretty good judgment of character and  motives, and I trust my gut. So if I agree to a date it's because I saw something,  potential, and weeded out the rest of Bozos. So if things go well I find myself wanting to run ahead, go at warp speed, and be ALL IN. I have to remind myself that I'm starting over from the beginning. I'm not used to being at the beginning.

So during my lows, when I'm questioning motives and my actions (Does he like me? Should I text/call? Will he think I'm too pushy? If I don't will he think I'm not interested? on and on and on), I have to center myself. Since I find my center in Christ I read my Christian dating/waiting book (Lady in Waiting) and then turn on my Christian music and do some bible journaling. It helps me calm my anxious heart. I suck at waiting. I suck at being patient in this situation. I have the patience of Job but when it comes to relationships I suck at being patient. It's hard to be patient and be grateful for the baby steps when you once had it all. But I will do my best.

Lord thank you for your grace and the peace and comfort you bring to steady my heart. Help me to seek you in the stillness and be with you while I'm waiting because you are in the waiting season with me. I am not alone. I pray that you will bring a good man into my life and that I will be ready for him when you send him to me. Until then I pray that you will help me guard my heart during the dating highs and calm my anxious heart during the dating lows. Bless us, forgive us, and protect us all and be with the soldiers, the sick, the poor, & the hungry. I pray all this in Christ's name. Amen.

Daring to Date

I've decided that I'm ready to put myself out there and date. I love my husband in heaven but I want to be loved here on earth again. It's called duality: Moving forward to be happy and living in the moment even though you're grieving the loss of the past. 

The best way I can explain it is like this: You have a baby. You love that baby more than anything. Then you're going to have another baby. You wonder if you'll be able to love the second child like your first. You wonder if there's enough love in your heart. Then you have that second child and you realize there IS more love there. Your love for your first child doesn't fade or lessen, and you don't love your second child less than the first. You love both with an amazing amount of love because that's how the heart works. Love grows. It compounds. 

That's where I am. I don't love Mark less. I'm not getting OVER him or boxing him up and moving on. I'm living life and moving forward. He would want me to. He'd want me to be loved & taken care of, I know he would.

So I started dating last month. Went out a few times with the same guy and all was going well. Then I got ghosted. Maybe I'm too much. Too reserved. Too conservative. Too slow moving. Too churchy. Too smart. Too much of a good girl. Too "sweet." Too successful. Too much of a thinker. Too much baggage. Too much history/past. Too intimidating.

I can only assume it's because of one of the reasons above because I wasn't clingy or needy or full of drama. Who knows!?! It stings a little but I'm not lowering my values or standards just because someone thinks I'm too... WHATEVER. And I don't think I'm half bad! I'm a catch dangit! Hopefully someone else besides Mark will be able to see that and appreciate that. One can only hope.

I'm Worth It

July 18, 2017

I have been struggling with my sense of identify since losing my husband. I've been cherished and adored and loved so gloriously and I belonged to someone who treasured me. I was his and he was mine. Even during the hard times, when I lost sight of who I was in our marriage and what I wanted my husband looked at me with loving and forgiving eyes and led me back to myself and led me back to God. I felt His love and forgiveness when I was wrapped in my husband's arms during those dark days. We didn't have a perfect marriage but it was real and it was SO good. I knew that when I had him and I treasured him.

Now that I've lost him I'm having to find myself and my new identity without him. It's so hard! When I feel judged or rejected I feel myself getting down on myself. I opened up my "Jesus Calling" book and read today's devotional and it reminded me that my worth is determined by what God says about me.

I am beautiful. I am kind. I am good-hearted. I am wise. I am worth knowing. I am worth loving. I am to be treasured because ultimately I AM HIS. Mark knew this and treated me as such. I do feel alone but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not. Maybe for now but not forever.

Cardinal Sightings, Finally!

When Mark passed I felt it. I knew before I actually KNEW he was gone. The night of the accident I was on my way to him. Although I didn't exactly know where he was, I knew which way he was traveling so I traveled the same road looking for him. Around 10:20 my heart hurt and I felt this overwhelming wave of nausea for no reason. I had a pain in my heart and the pit of my stomach and I knew something was wrong even though I was 15 miles away. By the time I got to him he was already gone. His time of death...10:22. I honestly believe that our hearts were so intertwined that I literally felt his soul leave mine when he left this earth.

With a love like that I thought he'd never truly leave me but the fact of the matter is, he did. He fell asleep in this world (quite literally) and woke up in the next and I was the last thing on his mind. I didn't feel his presence during my darkest days and that was like a slap in the face. I felt deserted. Abandoned. It was horrible.  The one who never left me was God. We're on a new level now. We've taken our relationship to the next level. He's Poppa God now. I felt Him so close, could see his hand in everything, yet couldn't feel Mark at all. I had to learn to get on without him while not letting his memory die. It's been a journey, and that's an understatement.

I've felt it all and continue to endure it all. I'm running the race with endurance. I finally feel like I'm back to myself and I'm stronger than I've ever been. I feel ready to put myself out there and date, be vulnerable, perhaps fall in love again. Mark knew my heart. We had talks late at night about what would happen if either of us died. We talked about going on, living life, finding love again. He was my best friend. We talked about everything. When my classmate, Officer Bobby Hornsby, died I took it really hard. I grieved so hard for his wife and kids and just held him tight at night and told him how much I would miss him if he ever died on me. That was when we had one of those talks. I'm so glad we did. He loved me and although he gave me hell and said he'd haunt me if I moved on, he would then love on me and tell me he was only kidding and he'd want me to be happy and be loved again. He didn't want me alone, unprotected, miserable.

So here I am. It's been 7 months and I feel like me again. My faith has propelled me through this, one painstaking step at a time but at a pace that I could never have imagined because I never took my eyes off Jesus. He was like the white racing bunny that the race horses chase after, quickly leading the way through it all. Never would I have thought that I'd go back to work 2 weeks after losing my husband. Or that I'd celebrate our first holidays without him in grand fashion, even if there were lots of tears. Or that 7 months after losing him I'd be dating. But I am and I feel at peace with it. I'm not rushing or pushing things down. I'm moving forward and living life. Mark started living his new life the moment he left this earth. It's time for me to do the same.

Last month I cried out to Poppa God to send me a helper. Someone to do this life with me, especially if I'm going to raise my son to be a good man or endure more hardships. I don't want to do it alone. I can if I have to, obviously I've proven that, but I don't want to. I want a partner. A friend. A helper. Another good role model for Bub. So I asked for it. The bible says ask and you shall receive. I asked.

Well I met someone at the end of June. We've gone on a couple dates this month and all is well. He's a good guy and we're getting to know each other. Last Sunday we went for a walk in the evening. In all the time since I lost Mark I have never seen a cardinal (people say cardinals are loved ones come to visit). As we started our walk I saw one. Then two. Then 3, 4, 5, 6, and by then we were deep in conversation and I stopped counting. I feel like he was there, all along my walk with this new guy, showing me that he's still watching over me and he approves. He's giving me the green light.

Who knows what will come of this, only time will tell, but he knows I lost Mark and is understanding so that is already a plus. He seems genuine so I'm not holding back. I'm talking to Mark and Poppa God in prayer and following where I feel led and seeing where this might lead. It could be a dead-end road or he could be the one sent for me. We shall see. I'm not putting too much thought into the future, I'm just enjoying today. Life is short, I know this too well now. If it works out, it works out and that's great. But if it doesn't and I get my heart broken it won't be half as bad as the heartbreak I've already endured so what have I got to lose?

So here we go! Wish me luck and always watch over me, my love. I love you BIG! Not moving on, moving forward & learning to live again. Love to you all! Stay posted.

An Open Prayer Box

My prayer box has been coming open for the last few days. It's never come open before. I bought it in March after Mark passed and intended on filling it with some of his ashes and making a trip to cowboys stadium to sprinkle them on the star. I still need to do that. In the meantime I've been wearing it on my charm bracelet. I've sent up lots of prayers since Mark moved to heaven. I've prayed for strength, endurance, wisdom, discernment, and patience. Most recently I prayed that God would send me a helper, another partner in this life who will be good to me and take care of me like Mark did, especially if I'm going to go through more hard times. I don't want to struggle alone. So that's been my latest prayer.

Since then a man has come into my life and shown interest and wants to get to know me better. I find myself getting excited to hear from him and I miss hearing from him when the day goes by and he hasn't texted. I don't want to pursue or be clingy so I'm letting things be and play out as they will. When I haven't heard from him all day I'll talk to God and say God if he's not the man for me, make it known to me and turn my attention elsewhere. But if he is make it known as well. Then my phone rings and there he is so I'm trusting and moving forward with caution.

Even though I'm being cautious I feel like I could easily fall for him and that scares me. I don't want to fall so fast that I fall flat on my face. I want to fall into arms that will catch me, like the trust game. I don't know his intentions. I get the feeling he is ready for this but how do I know for sure. How do I know he's not a player, philandering around instead of being happy with what he's got? How do I know he's not a liar, a cheater, or a wife beater? Only time will tell. I just pray I don't get hurt. I've been hurt enough already.

My prayer box has been popping open lately. Are my prayers getting answered? Is this God's hand at work again? Or is it just coincidence? Only time will tell. We shall see.