Opposite Day

You remember that game we used to play as kids when we would say and do the opposite of what others were saying? We said it was “Opposite Day” and did the opposite just to be annoying (please tell me I wasn’t the only annoying little turd out there)! 😂 I’m realizing that I had it all figured out way back then. THAT’S the secret to success and happiness! Just DO THE OPPOSITE of what you’re feeling!

Feel sad… do something that makes you joyful. Feel lonely… go out and socializeWanna stay in bed all day because you’re sad and lonely… get up and move your body and get out thereWanna be lazy and eat sweets… clean the house and eat fruitDon’t wanna have that talk because it’s scary… just say your opening lines and then sit and listen to the other person and do it in chunks.

I’ve found that when I’m feeling scared or depressed or anxious (or insert negative emotion here) I try not to let myself be led by my feelings. Instead I acknowledge the feeling but CHOOSE to do the opposite of what I’m feeling. Like right now, the loneliness is setting in and it’s hard!!! I want to stay in bed and mope but I’m going to make myself get up, workout, shower, and get out of the house! I know I’m lonely but I won’t be led by loneliness. I won’t stay in bed and sulk. Instead I’m saying to myself, “Yes this sucks. You can cry into your pillow tonight and feel all the feelings later but right now you will GET UP and fight it like the badass that you are!” So I’m doing the opposite in the moment and feeling the feelings when I’ve given myself permission to do so. I am in control of my feelings they do not control me. There’s actually a name for this, it’s called “Acceptance & Commitment Therapy.” You accept what is, don’t try to fake it change it but accept it, and commit to a plan to get through it. *For more info click the link at the end of the blog.

It’s hard. Losing your spouse is hard at any age. Losing a second spouse so soon after the first (I’ve lost 2 husbands in less than 5 years) is definitely rare and SUPER HARD. In some ways it’s easier this time around, in other ways it’s so much harder. 
If I’m comparing losses I feel like where I am today in my grief journey (3 mos. out) is where I was a year after losing Mark. That loss hit me harder bc there was no prep for it and there was trauma involved. It took me longer to process and accept and move through because I had never been through it before. There was no roadmap for me, I had to forge my own path. 

This time it’s different. It’s like muscle memory, learning history. I know what to do and how to do it. I had time to pray and prep while Gabe was in ICU so my mind could wrap around it some. I had time with God and him and I feel at peace now because I got to pray him across and be with him in those final days and moments. It doesn’t change the fact that I think of him everyday but it’s just different. Not bad. DIFFERENT. My heart misses him but feels peace because I know where he is and I know we’ll be alright. 

Maybe it’s God’s way of lightening the burden on my heart so it won’t just explode and die. Whatever it is, I’ll be honest, it makes it hard to be patient with the process and sit in the feelings all over again. Especially when people say, “You’re young, you’ll find love again!” I have my doubts but I’ll be honest, it’s what I want too. I’ve always been a person who craves connection and companionship. I can’t help it, that’s just how God made me. But he also made me a thinker. I’m like a 50/50 split because I feel all the feelings but I think my way through things and know how to manage them. 

I’m really being put to the test because I FEEL confident and further along in my grief journey than my timeline tells people I should be. People think, “Oh wow it’s only been a few months” and judge (positively or negatively) but it’s because it’s outside judgement. They haven’t walked my walk and don’t understand how I could be okay or even thinking about moving forward. That’s what makes this journey harder. My Bub and I have been here before and know how to manage and move through it. The girls have not. It’s new and raw and harder for them. I have to be mindful of the fact that they don’t understand my journey is different than theirs and I have to be empathetic to their feelings and their timeline. 

So for me everyday is Opposite Day. I live in the awkward space I call the “in-between” where I feel the feelings but grieve with joy and move forward. This morning I didn’t want to get out of bed… I’m getting up to workout right now. Sometimes I want to be selfish and do what makes me happy but I’ll do the opposite for the sake of the kids. And everyday I pray for peace with the process and for God to guide my steps and lead me to lead them because I can’t do this on my own.

https://positivepsychology.com/act-acceptance-and-commitment-therapy/

Sudden-loss Widows PTSD

When Mark and I first met (reunited) I felt butterflies. I felt like I was floating on air. I felt excited to hear from him and I would get giddy and giggly when I would talk to him. I looked forward to seeing him and would worry about him when I knew he was having a bad day or in a bad situation. I cared for him. I cared for him and wanted him around until one day I just asked him not to ever leave again about a month after we started dating. So he moved in and within 6 months we were married... for almost 9 years.

After he passed I didn't think I'd be able to love again. I loved him so deeply and so fully that I wasn't sure my heart would ever be repaired enough to let someone else in. I didn't think I could but I pushed myself to get out there and just see what happens because I didn't want to live the rest of my life on the sidelines.

I've gone on dates but nothing significant, no relationships. Until now. I think this may actually be something. I don't want to put the cart before the horse but I feel myself starting to fall. I feel myself getting caught up, wanting more. I want to spend more time with him, I miss hearing from him when he doesn't call, I think about him and wish him well when we're apart. I feel my heart opening up and it's bittersweet because as much as I want it and want him, it makes me feel that much more frustrated and alone when we're apart.

I think I have sudden-loss widows PTSD. Is there such a thing? Certain things trigger me ever since I suddenly lost my husband. For instance, my guy called me last weekend after going out and I knew he had been drinking. I worried all night, couldn't sleep. When I didn't hear from him the next morning it brought all those feelings associated wth the accident back and then I was crying out of worry for him and crying out of grief for Mark and I was a mess. Of course I kept it all in and played it cool but it really affected me. And there are times I don't hear from him. We're both busy with careers and demands that take a lot of our time. I know that and I understand the constraints that his job puts on him and all that it takes out of him. I know that but my feelings still get all out of sorts when I don't hear from him for a while because it leaves me feeling alone, deserted, abandoned all over again. Ugh I hate feeling this way. I'm a strong woman!

I know it's completely irrational and out of proportion/perspective, but I can't help it. And I don't know what to do about it, how to process it. Do I talk to him about it? Would that make me seem clingy or insecure and push him away? Or would my vulnerability bring us closer? I want to move forward and I think this guy is worth the work it takes to get there but I just don't know because I don't know how invested he is. I knew moving on would be hard but I didn't realize how many challenges I'd have to overcome every step of the way. Ugh this sucks. I hate not knowing what to do, not knowing how to proceed. I hate the vulnerability and risk that comes with giving yourself away to another person who has the capability of hurting you.

It's terrifying but I keep telling myself the payoff is worth it. The risk of being hurt is worth the reward if that means we can make it work together. So I'm anchoring myself in the Lord and trying not to let my fears be bigger than my faith. I have faith that God has big plans for me and this is all part of His plan. I have faith that He will make good on his promises. I have faith that my heart will be okay. I have faith in my guy and trust that he's not out to hurt me considering he knows my story. I just have to trust the process. I have faith and I will take each step forward in faith, PTSD or not. I can do this. I am strong. I am wise. I am beautiful inside and out. I can do this.