A Typical Saturday

Today was a typical Saturday. It almost felt like a normal Saturday, the kind of Saturday that existed before my D day. I slept in a little and then got up and started cleaning house. One thing led to another and I ended up reorganizing closets and cleaning out the car. I got a lot accomplished today. I ended the day vegging out on the couch watching tv and eating a blizzard. I got in bed around 10 pm after a hard day of cleaning and moving furniture. So feel me why I can't sleep. I'll tell you why...

It felt like a typical Saturday. The kind that existed before D day. It felt like Mark was working and then hanging out with friends while I stayed home and did my thing around the house. And now as I lie in bed without him it feels like he's going to come walking though the door any minute. Or he'll call me and say he's okay and he'll be home in a bit. But I know that's not the case.

My heart is playing tricks on me. It starts to float just a bit and then comes crashing down again like some cruel joke. The joke's on me I guess. He's not coming back. I never could sleep until he got home. I worried all the time until he was safe and sound and snoring loudly in our bed. I feel like I'm still waiting up for him! Damnit! Make it stop!

Rings

I've been going to Grief Share, a 13 week grief support group, and during one session we talked about our wedding rings. When do you stop wearing your ring after your spouse dies? When is the right time to put it away? Do you EVER put it away? The mentors said you'll know when the time is right and you'll know what to do with it when the time comes. I've thought a lot about it. Do I pass it down to Bub or JJ? Do I have the diamonds transferred into a memorial piece or earrings for me? Do I just put it in a keepsake box? What do I do with it?

Before all this I had actually stopped wearing my original wedding ring. Last summer Mark bought me a simple infinity band from James Avery because my big diamond ring scratched my kids at work. Then, when he passed, I only wanted to wear my original wedding ring and didn't want to take it off.

Then I took it off because I was mad at him for leaving me and the ring was a reminder that he promised to love me and live with me as long as we BOTH shall live and he didn't hold up his end of the deal.  Instead of my wedding ring I wore an emerald ring he bought for me. It was our birthstone and it was special because he gave it to me so it was still sentimental, just not a wedding ring.

Now I'm wearing it again and don't want to take it off. I don't know when I will and I still don't know what I'll do with it when I do but I have time to figure it out. Right now I just want him to be near me. I wear his ashes around my neck, his ring around my finger, and sometimes I wear his big daddy sized wedding band around my thumb (even though it's still too big) just to have my hands where his hands once were.

There are days I'm okay and then there are days when I come home, wash my hands with his body wash, wrap myself in his cologne stained robe, and sleep with his urn in my arms. Whether I have good days or bad days he's with me. He's always with me. Today I was running late and I forgot my necklace (with his ashes). I didn't realize it until noon when I went to touch it and it wasn't there. But I realized it's okay because he's always with me. I still had my ring on and him in my heart.

I'm rambling.  I guess my point was that they're right. I'll know when the time is right and I'll know what to do when that time comes. And you will too if you're in the same boat I'm in. Whether it's a wedding ring or family photos, you'll know when the time is right.

Pouring myself out

I'm sitting in my car at a neighborhood park, trying to work up the nerve to get out and socialize but the tears won't stop welling up in my eyes and the lump in my throat won't go away.

I'm meeting with other young couples from church in a community group. I met them a few weeks ago and shared my testimony and they were all so gracious and accepting. I'm pouring myself into relationships, moreso than before. I read somewhere that instead of looking at what I need from life, I should look at what life needs from me. So I'm pouring myself out as much as I can. I'm pushing myself to give of myself. And I can't lie, I'm hoping it'll help me move through this grieving also.

It's hard, especially right now as I watch them unload their strollers and their 4 and 5 year olds go frolicking in the field. They're my age. They have the life I wanted: the marriage, multiple kids, good jobs. That's what I signed up for...not THIS. I had Bub so young (21) that he's a teenager now and not up for picnics at the park with the littles anymore. So even though I fit in with the moms and dads age-wise, we are on totally different pages when it comes to the kids and now marriage/life.

It's sad because it's not just Mark that died on January 6th. My dreams died. My hopes for a baby died. My plans for the future died. Part of me died. So as I pour myself out I realize more and more how empty I am. This is hard as hell and I'm worn out. Dear God help me.

On the other side

I haven't written in a while. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it means I'm getting through this. It definitely doesn't mean I'm forgetting him or moving on although it is hard to remember every detail about him and that makes me sad. It's almost as if it wasn't really real, like it was just a dream being with him and being loved that much. I remember the big things but I can't remember everything like I want to. I guess that's the way it goes.

I made it through Valentine's day. I sent up a balloon with love notes to Heaven on it. Issac and I released it at the church and the youth pastor took pictures for us. That was a good day. I didn't have him here on earth with me but I felt his love. And it made me happy to see people showing their love the way Mark did on a regular basis.

The day after Valentine's was my crash day. I couldn't hold it together. It's like my systems were overwhelmed. But I pushed through it and made it through. Since then I've been doing better. I've gotten the kids on our weekend, even JJ, and it's been good to be with them. JJ is good for me because she reminds me of her daddy and I'm good for her because I help her process her pain and move through it. She's having a hard time getting through it and becomes paralyzed by sadness at points but I'm trying to teach her to keep God at her center, talk to him in those moments and say a short prayer to him, and literally move through the pain to the next moment, and then the next, and then the next. We walked through some things this weekend and it was great therapy and practice. And of course Bub made us laugh and enjoy life like he does.

Today is week 2 of Grief Share. My friend and I have invited other moms/widows that would benefit and like to go. It'll be fun to connect and share and hug the hurt away for a moment. I'm glad they're coming. I really feel like it'll help me, and them. I really wish JJ could do something like that but for teens because our meetings are geared towards adults and she would be out of place. I'm thinking about doing the workbook questions with her like I did this past weekend. It'll help her process her grief. Maybe I can find something for her.

That's the thing about grief...you can't deny it or stuff it down because it'll explode like a shaken up soda when there's too much pressure. You have to process it and move through it to the other side of each moment. If you sit in it for too long it will consume you and you'll fall into the pit of despair, unable to dig your way out again. I'm paraphrasing but I read this in my Jesus Calling devotional last week, "Be careful not to fall into the pit of self-pity. Don't even go near the edge because the edges crumble beneath your feet. When you feel yourself getting close to the edge because of circumstances in your life seek Me (God) and find peace in me." Being sad or troubled is normal. Life sucks sometimes. But the good thing is that God meets us where we are, right in the middle of it. BUT, he loves us too much to leave us there. If you're struggling with something, grief or otherwise, let him hold your hand and walk you (or pull you) through. Don't just stay there, there's so much more on the other side. Love you!

My Prayer

Lord help me through this journey. Help me to relax and trust in you to be my provider and protector, you will be my comforter and my strength. Even when I have cancellations and finances stress me out, or when home repairs or technology stress me out and my man isn't here to help.

Remind me to just trust and you'll take care of me and send people my way to lend a hand. You'll be the father to my son in our home, and he'll learn from your example and the example I set for him as you guide my steps.

Help me fill the quietness in my home with meaningful productivity, not just noise. But also help me not to fear the quiet but to embrace it and seek you in the stillness. It's hard to do and it's excruciating but I'll get there.

I pray for your continued blessings and thank you for never leaving me, especially now. I love you. Amen.

Blockades in the way of happiness

This week's list challenge is to list the things (from your past and present) that feel like blockades in the way of happiness.

1. People that spread lies and rumors about me
2. People that do not support me and my family
3. People that are fake - nice to my face but their actions contradict their words
4. People that are unkind
5. Stress
6. Financial stress
7. Not being heard
8. Not being valued
9. Not being trusted
10. My kids being mistreated

My Anyway Love

I had originally written this poem for my husband when we were newlyweds. I called him my anyway friend because he loved me anyway, no matter what.

My Anyway Friend

You see me through the hurt and the pain,
Through my fears and faults and blame.
And you still love me anyway.

You're my friend, my rock, my heart and soul.
I love you more than you'll ever know.
And my love for you will continue to grow.

I know that whatever comes our way,
No matter what I do or say,
You’ll love me till my dying day,
Because you're my friend, and you love me anyway.

For Mark, by Cassi Castilleja
Written March 17, 2010

After he passed I found the poem as I was looking for pictures for the memorial video. I decided to edit it to fit the occasion. I have this poem framed on my wall with his pictures around it.

My Anyway Love

You see me through the hurt and pain
Through my fears and faults and blame
And you still love me anyway.

You’re my friend, my rock, my heart and soul.
I love you more than you’ll ever know.
And my love for you will forever show.

I know that whatever comes my way,
Whatever I encounter day by day,
You’ll love me even if Heaven is far away,

Because you’re the love of my life
and you love me anyway.

For Mark, by Cassi Castilleja
Written March 17, 2010
Edited January 11, 2017