Bad Christian

I just finished a roller coaster blog about our journey through infertility (if you haven't read it, its the one before this and it's long...sorry). I want to keep writing because I feel like a bad Christian for challenging God to prove himself. Who am I??? I go back and forth between asking for it, praying for it, believing it, and doubting it at the same time. I feel like a bad Christian because of my doubts and fears. I feel like maybe it's been my fault all along, the reason I can't conceive, because I doubted God's power to make it happen despite all odds. So then I go and challenge Him, as if I'm somebody significant enough to do such a thing! What a lack of humility :( I don't know what to do our how to act so I apologize in advance Lord, and friends.

Miracles

I've always believed in God and I know about the miracles Jesus performed. The believer that I am, I believe in miracles. I believe that they happened in the biblical days and I believe that they happen today too. I've seen it. Though today I call them Godwinks...not elaborate burning bush miracles, but things that are too coincidental, like God winking at me saying "yup, that was me."

Last year I had a friend that was losing her daughter to cancer. Everyone was rallying around, praying for her and the family. I had met her daughter once or twice but didn't work directly with her so I didn't know her all that well but I still prayed for her. One night while I was sleeping something jerked me awake around 4 am. I literally felt startled and awoke with a sense of urgency and the name Sarah Kait on my mind. I immediately started praying for peace and comfort for Sarah and the family. Later that morning my friend let us all know that Sarah had passed around 4 that morning. Coincidence? I think not. I truly believe in my core that the Lord was preparing a way for her and using us, her friends and family and those led by the spirit, to ease their troubles a bit and send her off in love. THAT was not a coincidence, that was a miracle. A Godwink.

This year I had another friend lose her child to cancer. My heart ached for her throughout their journey, and still aches as I see the sadness in her eyes for not having her boy around. But then I see the miracles and little signs she has been given that shows her that he's okay, he's happy and in a better place, and it eases her soul a little.

I've seen miracles happen. I believe in miracles. I'm just waiting for one to happen to me. We all have our journeys. Our heartbreaks. Our moments of desperation. Our feelings of defeat and despair. We all have those times when all we need is a line. Throw me a line. Give me a sign that I'm not way off base. Give me a sign that I'm not making things up in my head and that YOU ARE REAL. I'm waiting for my moment like that..my miracle.

Mark and I have tried off and on for 8 years to have a baby. We've been tested and done everything short of expensive fertility meds and IUI/IVF. For us it comes down to money and the struggle with the line...where's the line between us (man, science, etc.) and God? We decided many years ago that we were leaving it in God's hands. We would track ovulation, basal body temperature monitoring, natural family planning, natural medicine and methods to fertility (massages, acupuncture, etc.) and even fertility enhancing meds (that were within our financial means) but stop short of IUI, IVF, etc.

We tried for 3 years, gave up for 1, tried again for 2 more (although we took a more relaxed "give it to God" approach) and then, because I hadn't been on birth control for so long, my endometriosis became so bad that I needed to be back on birth control for hormonal reasons to settle things down. I was on birth control for about 2 years and then in August I had endometriosis surgery to clear things up a bit and I have been off of birth control since October.

I've always been regular, even with endometriosis. I have healthy eggs, good ovaries and fallopian tubes, and my uterus is healthy and ready for a baby. But one never comes. I'm always on time, never late...until now.

I didn't have my cycle in November. I kept waiting and waiting and it never came. Now here we are in December, getting close to that date again and I'm hoping and praying it doesn't come and that this time it's MY turn for a miracle.

I'm probably jumping the gun. It's probably just my body reajusting to being off birth control and I'll have my cycle like clockwork this month, just like before, just like usual, and I will have wasted my time and my tears on praying for something that will never be. That's what I fear. But I believe in a God that's grater than my fears. So as the day gets closer I'm becoming more anxious and I'm finding myself breathing deeply a lot more and trying to find peace in this quiet storm I'm in. I'm trying to patiently wait on Him but it's so hard. It's like the night before going to Disney World, the anticipation is too much. Maybe this is my Disney World. In all these years I've never been late. Maybe this is finally it? Praise God if it is!

If it's not...we try again, and again, and again, and we finish the race with a kick at the end, by giving it all we've got, because the end is near. I'm finished at 35. If I'm not pregnant by 35 I'm having a permanent form of birth control implanted so that I know there's no chance and I won't keep doing this to myself over and over again. I'd rather have a hysterectomy since my"baby making factory" doesn't work anyway but they won't give me one. So Mirena IUD it is. I'll have it implanted and be done once and for all. I'm tired. Although I'm not a wreck daily like I used to be it still takes a hard toll on me, Mark, the family, and I just can't do it anymore. Enough is enough. So this is it God! This is it. Six Months. This is it. 

Random Acts of Kindness

With Christmas quickly approaching I decided to do random acts of kindness each day to teach the kids that it's better to give than to receive. I want to take each day to focus on using our gifts to bless others. In 1 Corinthians 7:7 Paul says, "But each has his own gift from God, one person in this way and another in that way."

We are all blessed with unique gifts but just like anything, you have to use it or lose it. My pastor once said, "Use your gift or lose your impact. Are you going to use your gifts to change the world or let the world change you?"

I'm choosing to change the world, even if it is my small little piece of the world in Belton, TX through small little gestures of kindness. The message is the same. Grace feels best IN us when it flows THROUGH us. Follow our daily journeys and join! Post pics and comments to share in the joy!

This is your brain on drugs...

Do you remember the PSA commercial that aired in the 90s where the lady takes an egg and cracks it in the frying pan and says, "This is your brain on drugs...any questions?" Well...they're baaaack. And the new commercial shows kids asking their parents all sorts of questions: Is marijuana not that bad because it's legalized? What is cocaine? And my favorite...Have you tried drugs? The commercial ends with that question.

The person who made this commercial must be a wet behind the ears ad exec with no kids of their own because the rest of us parents would dread the day that our kids ask us that question! I get it that the point was to prompt parents to talk to their kids and be ready for questions about drugs. I'll answer those all day. I think those are healthy questions. But why do my kids have to know if I did drugs or not!. I'm so mad at the stupid tv, telling me how to raise/talk to my kids. I really wish they wouldn't have seen that dang commercial but they did and now we have to have that conversation because my kids asked me point blank.

So Thank you PSA commercial for inspiring my kids to ask me if I ever tried drugs. Yeah...preciate that.

I'm all about transparency but how much is too much? I don't want them to think I'm naive or "not hip to the game" Lol. I want them to know they can't pull the wool over my eyes. But I don't want them to take it as an invitation or a get outta jail free card either. I was a wild child. Crap it's catching up to me :(

We value honesty in this house so I'm honest with my kids, the same way I expect them to be honest in their lives. So when they asked I quickly weighed my options and chose to face this head on with honesty, transparency, and as much integrity as I could muster.

My answer..."yes." When they asked what I did I didn't answer, just kept decorating the tree. When they asked again and asked if I was avoiding the question I said "well it's not something I'm proud of. And it doesn't matter WHAT I did anyway. The fact is I did it when I was young, I paid for it because I stayed in trouble all the time, I  regret it, and I'm embarrassed by it. It's not a good choice."

I don't want to lie and then they find out eventually, either in random conversation or old pics or mom spilling the beans or whatever. I'd rather they heard from me but I just hope I handled it the right way.

Afterwards my son hugged me and gave me a kiss on the cheek and said, "it's okay mom we forgive you. You're not like that anymore. You're a good mom." Thank God for grace and forgiveness. I just hope it doesn't backfire.

Day 24: My Parents

I'm thankful for my mom and dad. Mom shows me what a mom is...someone who moves mountains for her kids. Growing up she worked full time, cooked, cleaned, took me to practices, went to all my performances with buttons on, made sure I did my homework, and watched over me like a private investigator. She was like supermom.

And my dad...he lectured and pushed and knew what I was capable of and didn't accept anything less. I could've gone down the wrong road but I didn't want to disappoint my dad. He modeled what it meant to have dreams and goals and work hard to achieve them. I often saw him working from home, working on articles for publication, traveling to present at conferences, and I admired that.

Even though I took the long route and the hard way, I always pushed through to achieve my goals, due in large part to my daddy. And I'm the amazing mom I am today because of my mom. So I'm thankful for them. For the way they raised me and the way they love my kids. Love yall mom and dad!

Day 23: What I Love Most About Me

Hmmm... I'm self-aware and encouraging, but I don't sugar coat either. I'm helpful but I tell you what you need to hear if you need to hear it. I'm warm and loving but don't think I won't set you straight either. It takes me a long time to be truly genuine with you but once you're in, you're in for life. I'm extremely loyal and those are the people I'm most honest with. That's a blessing and a curse I suppose. Isn't it that way for us all? So I'm thankful that I know my strengths and my shortcomings and I'm thankful for God's grace and forgiveness on days when I blow it. Even when my intentions are good.

Day 22: A Book

I've read a lot of books but there are a few that I keep coming back to because they've helped so much.

Obviously the Bible is number 1 for me. After that would have to be
Grace Based Parenting by Dr. Tim Kimmel

Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

The Love Dare

Applied Behavior Analysis textbook (:-P) AKA the Cooper book AKA the ABA bible

Parenting with Science by Leanne Page

And Growing Kids God's Way (I don't remember the author)

And I've always loved Angel Falls by Kristen Hannah

Day 4: A Teacher/Mentor

I'm thankful for the many teachers I've had thought the years. Mrs. Morris, my 4th grade teacher...my high school English teacher...my college professors who allowed me to take Bub to class when I didn't have a sitter...they were all so helpful in one way or another.

And my mentors, I owe them the world. Suzee Scott for introducing me to the world of ABA. My principals, Sped coordinators, Jennifer Ramirez, and Kristi Tindell. Yall are amazing to say the least. Thank yall for everything.

Day 21: Creation, nature

I'll tell you what I'm NOT thankful for! Cockroaches! And WaterBugs! Ugh!!!!! We live next to a drainage pond and it's been raining so guess what decided to walk across my path as I was walking into the house through the garage?! Yup....To say I had a minor freak out was an understatement. Gross. Gross. Gross. Mark is spraying for pests TOMORROW!

What in nature AM I thankful for...beautiful sunrises, rainbows after the storm, the smell of rain, flowers growing where they shouldn't (in cracks of a sidewalk, off the innerstate, etc), water/peaceful waves, ocean animals (I would've been a marine biologist in another life), butterflies, baby animals, babies, and clear nights with tons of stars that I can see.

Day 20: A Trait Someone Posesses

Today I'm thankful for my husband's ability to love whole-heartedly and unconditionally. He is so open and friendly. I, on the other hand, am self-conscious and anxious. He loves without fear of failure, I always think about the possible worst case scenarios. He gives of himself and I have to push myself to give to others outside my comfort zone. I'm thankful that I have the ability to live with this great man with such a good heart and I'm thankful that he chooses to love me and give unselfishly to our family.

Day 19: An Animal

Today, and everyday, I'm thankful for my Charlee girl!! She's my sweet girl and she's so smart and loving. She's always there to snuggle and love on me when I'm having a hard day or whatever. She's always so happy to see me and jumps for joy when I come home from work. She's a good girl, she doesn't chew anything or jump on the couches or have accidents in the house. She goes to her pillow when she's told and covers herself up and tucks herself in to go to bed. She loves on all of us when we need it and sleeps with Bub when he's lonely or upset. She's our baby! I don't know what I would do without her. I don't even want to think about it. I love my Charlee girl!

Day 18: Something You Can't Live Without

Today I'm thankful for the one thing I can't live without...the air in my lungs, the breaths that I take. I'm thankful for the ability to breathe in and smell leather, library books, babies, my man after a shower, and fill my lungs with the fresh air outside before it rains.

If you didn't know, I used to be a smoker. I smoked in high school and through college, up until Bub was 6. So that was a total of about 10 years. I was finally able to quit when Bub was learning about alcohol and drug awareness in health in 1st grade. I would smoke in the car and he would give me a hard time and beg me to quit. Finally one day I realized that I wasn't going to choose cigarettes over my son. I wasn't going to ignore his requests and send the message that he wasn't important enough. It was time to drop the habit. So I made a new years resolution that year, put some behavioral things in place for myself to make it harder for me to smoke and reward myself when I didn't smoke, and by the time I knew it days and weeks had gone by. Now it's been 6 years!

I'm thankful that I was able to kick the habit and I can breathe freely again. I don't wake up feeling like an elephant is sitting on my chest. So today I'm thankful for the one thing I can't live without...the ability to breathe easy. My healthier lungs.

Day 17: Defeat

Today I'm thankful for experiencing defeat. Defeat is never fun. It sucks actually, especially when you love or want something so much. Sometimes losing something causes us to feel defeated and down on ourselves, like we don't measure up to the standards that are expected or the standards that we're up against. It's easy to lose hope when you measure yourself against these standards, against the standards of the world. What I've learned over the years is that I'm not judged by what I accomplish, how much I own, or how much I earn. In the end I'll be judged by the content of my character, the love in my heart, and whether I was a blessing to others while on this earth. Was I a good steward of the gifts I've been blessed with? Did I use my gifts to give back to others? Did I make the world a better place in some way?

It's easy to lose perspective when you feel defeated, when you don't get what you want or when you lose what you want so badly. Sometimes God says "No" or "Not yet" but I have to keep things in perspective and rememeber to live and "win" with integrity and show dignity with defeat.

Day 16: A Gift

Day 16: A gift you received...

In thankful for my wedding rings...both of them, the beautiful one Mark gave me when he married me, and the simple one he got me from James Avery last summer. My big one would scratch the kids sometimes so I needed a simple band without diamonds. He's the best. He does what he can to give me what I want...Most of the time. I'm thankful for my wedding rings and all that they symbolize.

Day 15: Something In Your Home

Today I'm thankful for my house. Period. We were in a 2 story rental and I'm so glad that I'm back in a 1-story house! Those stairs were killer. I thought I could do it but it was too hard coming down in the mornings and going up after a long day's work. I'm thankful that were not in a 2 story, and that we have concrete floors that are so easy to keep clean! I'm thankful that we're in a good neighborhood that's barely off the beaten path and not too busy. I'm thankful that we have good neighbors (though I haven't met them all) and we have a community pool that's not much but it's enough to cool off in the summer. I love my house. I'm thankful for my house.

Day 14: Something In Your Kitchen

Day 14: I'm thankful for my new crock pot that mom got me. It's especially helpful when I have long days and don't want to cook dinner. I just pop something in and forget about it and I have dinner later. It's so much faster than my old one. Thanks Mom!

Day 13: Something In Your Room

I have to catch up. I've been so busy I've fallen behind on my daily thanks...

Day 13: I'm thankful for my tempurpedic bed. It's adjustable so it helps when I'm hurting. Now I just need to find a pillow that I like. The tempurpedic pillow is too thick, the thin one I got from Walmart is too thin...grrr. I may borrow one from the hotel this weekend. Shh don't tell anyone. Anyway thank God for my mattress and for my daddy and Mark who splurged and made it happen because I'm too sensible to buy it for myself.

Day 12: An Experience

Today I'm thankful I got to experience this moment, tonight, with my kids. We didn't do much but make ice cream sundaes after dinner but we really needed tonight.

We told Issac about his friend, Jace, passing away. He was sad and crying and just wanted to be held and hugged. We had a group hug moment and prayed for his family and shared ideas on what he might be doing in Heaven.

Tonight I hugged my boy a little tighter, prayed a little harder, and spoke a little sweeter. Life is about cherishing each moment, finding the joy even during hard times, and pressing on to persevere.

I'm thankful for this night of movies and sundaes, hugs and kisses, tears and prayers, and more love than I can contain.

Day 11: A Physical Activity

Today I'm thankful that I can dance. My daddy taught me how to dance and how to follow. I'm a good dancer because I can follow pretty much anybody's lead, as long as they can dance.

Daddy taught me how to Spanish dance, Momma taught me how to cumbia, high school friends and boyfriends taught me how to dance hip hop, Salsa, 2-step, half-step, and waltz.

On the dance team I learned how to do lyrical, modern, and jazz forms of dance and could high kick like nobody's business. I was Miss High Kick and could kick the brim of my hat and do a jump split like the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.

At one point I wanted to try out for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders but then I started having hip pains. I started seeing a doctor for hip issues when I was 17 and quickly realized that pursuing that dream wasn't possible for me.

I don't get to dance that much anymore because it hurts and I pay for it for days afterwards but it sure feels good in the moment. I'm thankful that I CAN dance when I want to, and that I have all those memories from my dancing days.

Day 10: A Restaurant

How can I be thankful for a restaurant? It's such a random thing to be thankful for but in honor of the season of Thanksgiving and the 21 days of gratitude I'll go for it. Today I'm thankful for Nami. I just came from a group meeting there where my fellow ABA Peeps and I discussed functional analysis, behavior intervention plans, and treatment plans . It was a study session for future bcba certificates and I really enjoyed hearing what everybody had to say. I'm thankful that we got to meet & eat & combine great minds.

Day 9: A Coworker

Today I'm thankful for my co-worker from Fort Worth, Julissa Gomez. She was my parapro in our autism classroom and she was my "right hand man." I could depend on her to lead small groups or do 1:1 for generalization. She could follow my plans and finish my sentences and she contributed so much to my classroom. Not only did she contribute to my classroom she contributed to my life. When I lost my way, she was there for me. When I was foolish, she called me out on my crap and told me, point blank, "I'm your friend and I love you but I can't accept this. This is not what God would want for you." At the time I was like, " I can't believe she said that to me!" Now I'm so thankful she did. She gave me the confidence I needed to go back to grad school and she was there when I got myself back together and when I got baptized. Now she has a classroom of her own and is ROCKIN IT as a bilingual PreK teacher. We moved back home and we've lost touch but she will always hold a special place in my heart. Thanks Juju for being a TRUE friend. You guys will always have a place to stay if yall are passing through or decide to come visit!

Day 8: A Skill/Talent

I'm thankful for the ability to influence the lives of kids with special needs. I'm happiest when I see their smiles, see them "get" something, witness their love and kindness to each other and to random strangers, and see the world through their eyes. They've given me so much and I only hope that I've brought something to their lives too. I'm thankful that I was brought into the ABA world many years ago and that I followed where I've been led and pursued this path.

Day 7: A Freedom

Today I'm thankful for the many freedoms I have as an American woman. I have the right to vote, to work and provide for my family, and to say what I want and believe what I want without fear of persecution. Although this election has me feeling hopeless I know everything will be alright and it will all work out. It always does. God's got a plan, let's wait and see how it turns out.

Day 6: An Emotion

I'm thankful that I'm able to feel/experience joy.

Happiness is fleeting but joy endures. Happiness comes from the world around you, circumstances that make you happy. Joy is deeper. Joy comes from within, from your steadfast spirit, from knowing that no matter what God's got your back and you don't have to worry so much. You can appreciate so much more when you put your worry away and focus on the positive. Focus on the joy.

Day 5: A Time of Day

I'm thankful for time in the car.

Whether it's taking Bub to school in the morning or picking him up, we talk and I get to learn more about my son's heart.

And when I'm alone in the car, commuting to/from work, I've got the Christian radio on and I'm in worship. I'm thankful I have this time for myself.

21 Days: Day 4

I'm thankful for my teachers/mentors...

Suzee Scott for introducing me to the world of ABA way back when.

Susan Huey for mentoring me in Fort Worth in the TEACCH method.

Jennifer Ramirez for seeing my heart and understanding my passion for these kids, for lending an ear in times of need, and always being positive and supportive.

Kristi Tindell for guiding me along my journey to becoming a BCBA and for being patient, supportive, and inspirational. You are amazing!

Day 3: A Family Member

I'm thankful for my mom. She's been there for me through thick and thin, supporting and encouraging me through everything. We've had our ups and downs but we're learning how to love and accept each other's differences and that's beautiful. She's my person. I talk to her almost daily, about problems or just to chit chat, and I get frustrated when she leaves her phone on vibrate because then she misses my call :-P Love you Mom!

Day 2: Health

I'm thankful for my health.

Now that's a hard one for me because I suffer from spinal arthritis and fibromyalgia so I'm always in pain. Some days are worse than others but there's pain every day. However, I am thankful that my blood pressure is good. My cholesterol is good. My endometriosis has been managed and I don't have any masses or tumors like I was afraid of.

There are people suffering more than me, kids battling things I can't even imagine, so I'm thankful for my health and that I don't have to fight those battles. And I pray for those that do. It takes a strong person to fight like that. Love and prayers for those fighting harder battles than mine.

21 Days of Gratitude: Day 1: A Friend

Every year I use November to say what I'm thankful for, as a lot of people do. It helps me keep things in perspective and gear up for the holidays. Follow along and start your own if you'd like. It's okay if you're "late," just start on today's date.

Day 1: I'm thankful for my friend Elsa. Besides my husband she's the only one who knows all of me. We've been friends for about 15 years, gone through ups and downs and life's changes, and still stand strong together. I don't tell her enough how much I love her and we don't get to spend that much time together now that the kids are growing and in all kinds of activities but we talk all the time and never miss a beat. I love you Els, don't know what I'd do without you!

What I Do Part 2

In my last post I gave a description of what I do for a living. This is what it does to me...

6:45 am - wake up, my arm is asleep from my shoulder down. It feels like I've been hit by a bus. I can't bear weight on my ankles. I waddle to wake Bub up for school. I creak when I move. I take a hot shower to stretch and get moving. My shoulder pops when I wash my hair and try to fix it. I'm warmed up and stretched and it's time to go. We head out the door.

7:45 - drop my kiddo off at school and then head to my first client's house to work on taking morning meds & injections. He does well and makes my heart happy

8:15 - commute to work. Christian radio is on, coffee in my cup, devices charged, reinforcers refilled, and I'm good to go!

9 - 11am - I work with a little client. 3 years old. Loves gross motor play and vestibular input. Being well paired is essential with this friend. We're running, tickling, and I'm picking her up and swinging her around. She shrieks with excitement and makes great eye contact and seeks me out for more interaction! I love it! My body doesn't, it's already groaning loudly at me. We're up and down, on the floor, on our feet, bending to potty train, up and down, up and down. It's 11, time for her to go. We had a great session. We're both smiling. My body is NOT happy.

11-2 pm - I work with another friend, a 6 year old. We're paired and work well together. I have a chance to "rest" in that I'm not on the go AS much. My neck (c-spine and upper T-spine) feels tight, achy, burning. I look down and streeeetch my neck. Over and over I stretch, hoping to get some relief. I take some aleve.

2-5 pm - I work with another little client. Another 3 year old. He likes to move and play too. We jump on the trampoline, we're up and down, up and down, from the floor to our feet, potty training, doing all the moving and shaking I did in the morning only I'm slower and I'm EXHAUSTED by now but I can't slow down or he'll leave me behind. Gotta keep up. He does really well, I'm able to get some good work out of him. It's 4:30 and time to head home. It's 80 something outside but I've got my heated seats on high because its like having a heating pad on. I drive him home to his mom only to find out he's fallen asleep in the car seat on the way home. I carry this sweet, sleepy boy up 3 flights of stairs to his apartment and deliver him with a smile. My hips are burning. My legs are shaking. I can't wait to get home.

5:30 - I get home. Thank God my husband's cooking dinner! I called and told him I'm wiped out and I can't do it tonight so he stepped up. Oh how I appreciate that man! My lower back is throbbing, aching, burning. I'm getting sharp stabbing pains from my low back down through my hips in addition to the tightness and pressure and pain on my spine. I sit on the couch with 2 pillows behind me for support and muddle through dinner. Not really hungry, more nauseous but I eat anyway because my meds will upset my stomach if I don't. I'm done...with dinner and my day. I have to sit down to change into my night clothes.

6:30 pm - The hubby brings me my ice pack and I lie in bed with it under my lower back. I can't move. I'm wincing in pain and every other word is, "I'm hurting." I'd have to say this is an 8 day. Maybe 9. I take my tramadol and flexeril. Dear God let these meds kick in quickly. My upper spine hurts and causes my chest to hurt. It's hard to breathe. The pain literally takes my breath away. I get up to go to the bathroom and my back almost goes out. Hmm...I wish I didn't leave my cane in the car. Now would be the time to use it. Crap. I make it back to bed.

9 pm - ice pack is warm. Time for the hearing pad. Meds have kicked in and taken the edge off. I'll try to sleep but I KNOW I'll end up waking up in a couple hours panting and screaming, unable to move because my back will be frozen solid. I'm SO looking forward to sleep! Sense the sarcasm? Oh well it is what it is. It's worth a shot.

And tomorrow I'll put on my best face and do it again, to the best of my ability. What scares me is what if I can't someday? What if I can't put on a brave face and push through the pain anymore? What then? It terrifies me. This is my passion and I've put in so much time and effort, literally blood, sweat, and tears into this profession. I've got all this schooling and training but it all leads to this career. What if I get to the point that I can't do it anymore??? What the hell will I do with myself??? It's so scary to think about that but I do on days like today.

10:30 pm - everybody is sleeping, the husband is snoring, and I'm pondering life's difficulties. Forget it, it's too much to worry about. Time for prayers, gotta give it to God and trust that everything will be okay. I'll try to sleep. Goodnight.

What I Do

"I am an ABA therapist. I practice applied behavior analysis and analyze behavior patterns and consequences to reduce or increase behaviors of children with autism." That is my elevator pitch response when someone asks what I do for a living. It's my quick answer.

The long answer is that I provide communication and social skills training, academic instruction & tutoring, parent and in-home training. I collaborate with speech & language pathologists (SLPs) and occupational therapists (OT) to work on communication, food trials, getting kids to eat different foods, chew and swallow safely, and eat appropriately. I work with occupational & physical therapists (OTs & PTs) to work on gross motor imitations and actions, toilet training, and self-care skills such as dressing & hygiene activities. I collaborate with classroom teachers to provide behavioral interventions for particular students or make overall classroom management more effective. I teach/tutor to students using behavioral principles such as errorless teaching, discrete trial teaching, and incidental teaching.

I work anywhere I am needed. I provide therapy in client's homes, in schools, at the ABA center, on the farm (equine therapy), in the community, and sometimes work from home. I love what I do and feel blessed to be able to do it every day.

Eight years

It's our eight year anniversary! Here's what I've learned over the years...

1. God answers prayers...I prayed for a man to be my partner in life, to support me and be a good husband and father for my son, and I've been given that and so much more. I'm so grateful!

2. Sanctification. God has used my spouse to get to me. My husband has shown grace and mercy when I didn't deserve it and given me love and forgiveness when he's wrapped me in his arms. God has given me endurance and wisdom through the circumstances we've gone through and has strengthened my character as a woman while being his wife. He's made me a better person when he made me his wife.

3. Patience.  God has taught me patience throughout these past 7 years. Oh gosh have I had the chance to practice patience. Lots of chances to practice patience actually. Patience with my husband, patience with our kids as we've raised them together, but not together because we share custody (coparenting with grace in and of itself presents many opportunities to practice patience), patience with our jobs, finances, parents, in-laws, and our hopes & dreams. Some dreams came true, some are still coming true, and some dreams died over the years but that's life.

4. Dignity. I'm learning how to win with integrity and lose or surrender woth dignity. Some dreams died, like the dream of having a child together with my husband, and that was a hard pill to swallow. I've slowly learned that my plans are not His plans and there's a reason he won't give us a child of our own, though I may not agree or understand the reason now. I will someday. I'm finally on the other side of grief and am surrendering with dignity. Well to be honest I'm picking up the pieces of the dignity that I have left and putting them back together because I was a mess about it for some time. It still hits me sometimes but not as long and hard as it used to. There's a little more dignity there, and that's progress!

5. Grace. God's taught, and is still teaching me, how to be a woman of grace, especially with my kids. I still have a sarcastic and witty sense of humor and I'm uncensored at home and I'm not the picture of perfection but I show grace and mercy as much as I can. I'm purposeful. I'm a purposeful parent and wife. I think before I speak more and I pray before I act more. And I try to show grace more and more each day. It's a process.

6. Flexibility. I'm learning to be flexible. God's given and taken away. He's answered prayers, but sometimes not in the way I expected. I'm learning to be flexible, like clay in His hands. Again, it's a process.

7. Leadership. I've learned that there's value to my story and experiences and that I can use my testimony to connect with others dealing with similar issues. I can help, lead, guide, in subtle or not so subtle ways. I try to find opportunities to speak truth and love and lead others without being pushy or judgmental. I'm still learning how to do that more. It's hard because I don't want to push anyone away. Sometimes people don't like to hear the truth, I know I didn't when I was going through the muck, but I'm so thankful that I had a friend that loved me enough to tell me I was being foolish (not exactly that way obviously). I want to be that for someone else.

8. Trust. I've learned to trust my husband. Before him I was a headstrong, independent, self-sufficient woman. I didn't die to self and I made my first marriage hard (it was already hard for other reasons but I know I didn't make it any easier). After my divorce I had reason to be an independent, self-sufficient woman because I was a single mom through my separation and after my divorce. I've had to learn that it's okay to let my husband help me. It's okay to take the walls down. It's okay to lean on him when I'm falling. I've learned to trust and it feels so good not having to do everything on my own!

9. Endurance. I feel like we finally hit our groove after year 5 or 6. The first 3 years of marriage were hard. After about year 6 we had ironed out most of the major wrinkles and hit our groove. We still have kinks to iron out and nothing is perfect, there are ups and downs and ebbs and flows for sure, but we're good. We've hit our stride and we're just running the marathon now.

10. Honesty. Like I said, in my first marriage I didn't die to self. I had my own plans and my own agenda and I took care of me because nobody else would. I wanted to feel all these things in my first marriage but we were young and dumb and we didn't do things right. There was a lot of dishonesty on both of our parts. Since then, in my marriage now, I've learned to be honest and expect honesty from my spouse and kids. And being honest means I have to be honest with myself too which means I do a lot of self-reflection (hence the blogging). But honesty really is the best policy.

I've learned so much, we all have, and there's still so much more to learn. I can't wait to get to 10 years! We're planning on having a small ceremony since we never actually had a wedding, just went to the JP, but we'll see. I'd love to, even if it is just a ceremony (no dinner & dance). I just want pictures and memories of that special day. We'll see.

What's in a name?

I started a new blog and couldn't think of a name for it. I want to focus on life, issues that we deal with as a family, and I kept thinking "Beautifully Blended" because we are a blended family. But things aren't always beautiful and we don't always blend well. We're human. Plus the name was already taken.

So I went with another alcohol analogy (because what's parenting without a little bit of alcohol) and I decided on Shaken, not Stirred. Like a martini. We're mixed together as a blended family but also because through life's bumps and bruises I may become shaken but I'm not stirred. I know my fate and my identity in Christ. I know who holds my life in His hands and who writes my life's plan.

So these are the writings of a woman who may become shaken but not stirred. Bear with me as I journal about marriage, kids, parenting, blended family issues, coparenting, and maybe a little about work. Feel free to join the conversation and comment on the blog posts. Love to all!