Breathe & Know He is Here

I find myself sighing a lot these days. Actually, I'm not sighing, it's more like exhaling loudly. I remember back in school I used to run alot. I ran on the cross country and track teams and I would always get nervous before every race. Everyone was jumping up and down, pumping themselves up for the race, and I was the only one on the starting line yawning. My dad hated it! I couldn't control it though, it was a nervous thing that I did to stay focused, get oxygen flowing to my brain, and calm my nerves. Ever since the accident I've been exhaling loudly, filling my chest with air and blowing it out slowly. I think it's because my nerves are shot and my heart is overwhelmed but I'm trying to stay calm. So instead of falling apart all the time I regroup and exhale and take another step.

Yesterday I went back to work for the first time since the accident. When it happened that night I called 4 important people: his parents, my parents, my best friend (who I now call my "surrogate" sister), and my boss. It had been a year since she lost her daughter to cancer so I knew she would understand the immense pain and grief I was going through. I also needed to let her know I would not be coming to work on Monday. My mind was reeling that first weekend as I thought about my clients, my work obligations, my financial obligations, funeral arrangements that I had to start thinking about and planning, and obviously losing the love of my life so suddenly. It was a whirlwind to say the least. I didn't want to get out of bed but the world didn't stop when Mark died, even though my world was crashing down. I was grieving but I still had tons of things to do and nobody else could do things for me because of confidentiality laws. I had to be the person that talked to people, signed
papers, made arrangements, etc. So I just kept breathing.

Planning the funeral was made easier with the help of my sister-in-law and the funeral director. My sister-in-law called around town and found a funeral home large enough to meet our needs (he has a big family and we have lots of friends) and the funeral director was very patient and supportive and laid everything out to make the planning as easy as possible. When it came time to pick songs for the service I thought about songs that would fit his personality and songs that would be uplifting during this extremely difficult time. One of the songs I chose was the song "Here" by Kari Jobe. He always liked her voice and the lyrics reminded me to breathe, find peace, and trust God through the turmoil. I just kept breathing.

On the day of the funeral, when the grief was thick and the permanence of the situation was setting  in, I was reminded to just breathe when this song came on. I was reminded of God's promise, a  promise that Mark knew and shared with those he trusted. His faith was a private matter between him and God, but he let people see that side of him if he really trusted them. I was blessed to have been a part of that and know that side of him. Mark was an outgoing guy and he was very personable, but that wasn't all there was to him. I hate that people put him in a box because there was so much more to him. He had a deeper side, an intimate side, a devoted and passionate side. Beneath the bravado and BS was something soft and sweet and beautiful. Every now and then he would let his guard down and share his faith with his close friends and family but he was private about it for the most part. I'm just glad he was able to get out of his own way long enough to let God in. I'm thankful he knew God's promise and I can't wait until the day I get to be with my sweet husband again. I know that day will come eventually. From the very first day when the accident occurred, to the day I said goodbye at the funeral, until I see him again, I just have to keep breathing.

I did a lot of breathing today. I had to meet with State Farm to sign papers to total the truck, give them the death certificate for insurance purposes, meet with the bank to close accounts, and give death certificates to close loans. I'm overwhelmed multiple times a day but I just keep breathing. My nerves are shot and I'm shaken, but I'm not stirred. My faith is not deterred. If anything this has brought me closer to God because I know he's got my back through all this. People keep commenting about how strong I am. I don't feel strong. I feel broken. If my actions say I'm strong then so be it but I'm here to tell you that strength is not my own. My strength comes from the Lord because I can't do this on my own.

He's with me through this extremely difficult time. All I can do is breathe, exhale, and take one  more step.