At first she didn't want to go. She doesn't want a party and didn't want to go have fun. She said she just wanted to keep it low key and stay in bed. I told her that Daddy loved life and going out and doing things. And he loved her. He loved throwing parties for her and seeing her smile. He would not want her to lie in bed and cry all day instead of celebrating her birthday because that was the best day of his life. He'd want her to celebrate. I told her I know it would be hard but God didn't promise that life would be easy but He promised that He would never leave us and we can do this together, with Him.
So after some convincing she agreed and we all got ready to go out. We met up with his family and started off with lunch and cupcakes, then started a family game of putt-putt. That's when everyone started to losen up and have fun but that's when I turned inward and fought back tears. He was the only one missing. I fought back tears through 18 holes of putt-putt and while taking family pictures (thank God for sunglasses). I fought back tears as I watched the kids play in the arcade, remembering the time we all went as a family and Mark played the arcade games right there with them. He loved playing games. I, on the other hand, was the rational one and thought it was a waste of money. It was, but I'm glad he won some of those battles because he taught us to enjoy life and make memories. I'll always have those memories. As the day drew to an end we said our goodbyes and headed back home, just the three of us.
Bub sat in the front seat with me and both of the kids were occupied on their phones as I listened to Christian music and talked to God on the way home. When the tears started falling I reached out and held Bub's hand. He didn't have to say anything, neither did I, he just held my hand. I quickly pulled it together since I was driving and we got home safe and sound. When we got home the kids went to their rooms and I went to change into comfy clothes. As I was changing shirts in the bathroom I went to pull my hair out of the collar and my wedding ring snagged a curl and pulled my hair. That's when it all came out. All the pent up emotion from the day came pouring out of my eyeballs and I just leaned over the bathroom counter and wailed. I found that my safe spot in the house is my walk-in closet, near his boxes (I had to box up his things because I couldn't stand seeing everything as it was, shoes on the floor, clothes in the closet, as if he was going to come home any minute). I guess my safe spot is the closet because it's secluded and private and I can be near his things and in some way feel close to him. So there I sat on the closet floor balling my eyes out.
That's when Jamie knocked at my door. She could hear my voice shaking as I answered her so she came in and sat with me. She empathized with me and told me the same words I told her earlier in the morning, "God didn't promise that life would be easy, but he promised that he would be with us and we can make it through." She held my hands and sat cross-legged in front of me and by the end of the conversation we were both crying. Charlee, our dachshund, came in and tried to lick the tears from our faces which lightened the mood so we took a deep breath and got up off the floor.
She went back to her iPhone and I lied in bed, talking to mom on the phone, when Bub came in balling. It was his turn. When I asked what the trigger was he said he was just lying on his bed thinking about today and missed Dad, and then he looked over and saw the model airplane they were putting together and it wasn't finished and he just lost it. So I cradled my baby (teenager) and stoked his hair and cried with him too.
Our first outing was hard. There were so many triggers throughout the day, from the missing person at the park to the quiet ride home, to the empty driveway, wedding ring troubles, and the unfinished airplane. Today is JJ's birthday and although I want her to have fun and enjoy her day I'm afraid it's going to be another difficult day for her...for all of us. Sometimes I wonder how we're going to get through but I know we will. We have to. I'm just glad we got the first outing out of the way. We can only go up from here, the worst is over, that's what I keep telling myself.
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