I haven't written in a while. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it means I'm getting through this. It definitely doesn't mean I'm forgetting him or moving on although it is hard to remember every detail about him and that makes me sad. It's almost as if it wasn't really real, like it was just a dream being with him and being loved that much. I remember the big things but I can't remember everything like I want to. I guess that's the way it goes.
I made it through Valentine's day. I sent up a balloon with love notes to Heaven on it. Issac and I released it at the church and the youth pastor took pictures for us. That was a good day. I didn't have him here on earth with me but I felt his love. And it made me happy to see people showing their love the way Mark did on a regular basis.
The day after Valentine's was my crash day. I couldn't hold it together. It's like my systems were overwhelmed. But I pushed through it and made it through. Since then I've been doing better. I've gotten the kids on our weekend, even JJ, and it's been good to be with them. JJ is good for me because she reminds me of her daddy and I'm good for her because I help her process her pain and move through it. She's having a hard time getting through it and becomes paralyzed by sadness at points but I'm trying to teach her to keep God at her center, talk to him in those moments and say a short prayer to him, and literally move through the pain to the next moment, and then the next, and then the next. We walked through some things this weekend and it was great therapy and practice. And of course Bub made us laugh and enjoy life like he does.
Today is week 2 of Grief Share. My friend and I have invited other moms/widows that would benefit and like to go. It'll be fun to connect and share and hug the hurt away for a moment. I'm glad they're coming. I really feel like it'll help me, and them. I really wish JJ could do something like that but for teens because our meetings are geared towards adults and she would be out of place. I'm thinking about doing the workbook questions with her like I did this past weekend. It'll help her process her grief. Maybe I can find something for her.
That's the thing about grief...you can't deny it or stuff it down because it'll explode like a shaken up soda when there's too much pressure. You have to process it and move through it to the other side of each moment. If you sit in it for too long it will consume you and you'll fall into the pit of despair, unable to dig your way out again. I'm paraphrasing but I read this in my Jesus Calling devotional last week, "Be careful not to fall into the pit of self-pity. Don't even go near the edge because the edges crumble beneath your feet. When you feel yourself getting close to the edge because of circumstances in your life seek Me (God) and find peace in me." Being sad or troubled is normal. Life sucks sometimes. But the good thing is that God meets us where we are, right in the middle of it. BUT, he loves us too much to leave us there. If you're struggling with something, grief or otherwise, let him hold your hand and walk you (or pull you) through. Don't just stay there, there's so much more on the other side. Love you!