Bad Dreams & Bad Days

It seems that right after I have a good day, I have a bad day. My mind and body seem to get overwhelmed and are like, 'nope, that was hard to keep it together yesterday, we can't do it two days in a row.'  I went to bed last night feeling accomplished. I felt good. But today is a totally different story.

I've been going to counseling since Mark passed so unexpectedly. It helps me process my complicated, compounded grief. My therapist has asked me if I was having nightmares and I wasn't...until now. The nightmares have started. They're not the kind of nightmares that are startling. I'm not replaying the wreck in my dreams. They're the kind of nightmares that break my heart all over again.

So in my dream...

Mark and I took the kids on a cruise. While we were on the ship we started having drinks at the bar. I went up to make sure the kids got settled in their own cabin for the night and ended up falling asleep in their room. The next morning I went next door to our room and he wasn't there. I assumed he was back out and about so I went looking for him. I couldn't find him. I found a friend who told me that Mark said he was done and he got off the boat in the Bahamas. I couldn't believe it and kept questioning him. The bartender overheard me and said, "yes ma'am, he cashed in all his chips early this morning and left." I couldn't believe it! I was going to go find him. He had to come back! We were still docked in the Bahamas so I got off the boat and found him in the customs building and asked him what happened, why'd he leave? He just kept saying he was leaving me, so nonchalantly, unaffected by emotion. I begged him to come back with us. I kept saying, "What about the kids? What about us? I love you!!!" and he just kept saying, "No, I'm leaving you." The ship blew its horn and I had to board the ship to cruise back to the US with the kids, leaving him there on a bench in the Bahamas. I was heartbroken, horrified, and deserted.

I woke up feeling abandoned all over again. I was just telling my therapist that I haven't had the gut-wrenching, heart-crushing, breath-taking cry in about a week...until this morning. I woke up unable to breathe again. My heart was being crushed inside my chest again. I muddled through a shower, put on yoga pants, and hardly did my hair. I ate Ramen out of a butter tub and slept most of the day, in between checking on my sick kid. I woke up for dinner (thank you Kathy for the Korean food!) and got back in bed. Bub isn't running fever anymore so he'll go to school tomorrow and I'll go to work a full day. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit easier because today SUCKED!