4 weeks

Today makes 4 weeks since my sweet husband moved to Heaven. In 4 weeks my world has completely changed but yet stayed the same in a weird, sad way.

The first night was heart-wrenchingly difficult. The first weekend was a blur, a constant flow of people in and out of the house. I didn't eat, didn't sleep, I was a zombie.

The first week was overwhelming. My heart was crushed to death but yet somehow I was still breathing. My world was collapsing, yet somehow it kept turning and I still had things to do people to see. It wasn't fair.

The second week was depressing. Everything in my house remained the same as before he passed but yet a huge part of my house was missing. It seemed empty even though family was here. He was cremated after the services so he wasn't in a cemetery or on my mantel just yet, they were still working on him. So he wasn't near me at all, in any sense of the word, and I just felt utterly alone. I went from not sleeping to not wanting to get out of bed. My friends and family pulled me out, they were afraid I'd fall into a deep depression. I joined a gym. I've never been a gym person but I could cry on the bikes or the elliptical and just release everything. I was still overwhelmed with meetings and paperwork and unending grief.

I went back to work on week 3. I only worked part-time, I think I earned about 20 hours that week. It was hard to go back to work, to see everybody, hug everybody. I wanted to get up, shower, and go to work to feel like there was purpose to my life since I was left behind and he was taken before me. I needed to feel a sense of purpose but when I was working all I wanted to do was be home laying in bed. It was exhausting.

This past week was week 4. Mom went back home, I'm working full-time again, Bub's school schedule is back to normal, my sweet husband is back home on the mantle, and I'm getting through. Some days are better than others but I've been told it's going to be like that for some time. The other day I pretty much cried nonstop from 8 in the morning till midnight. Any little thing brought me to tears. But then yesterday I felt confident and pretty and wise and strong. I don't know what today will bring, I haven't gotten out of bed yet.

At this time last month I was already laughing and working with a kiddo in his home. I was in a good mood and so was my husband. I talked to him that morning, as I always did, and he said he would see me later. He told what he wanted to do that weekend; he wanted to hang out with his friends on Friday night and invited me to go but I didn't want to. We had different opinions on friends. We were supposed to spend Saturday taking down Christmas decorations and running errands and then we were going to go hang out with our old neighbors. We were both glad it was Friday. I'm finding it hard to like Fridays again.

Anyway here I am, one month later, and it's Friday again. We're celebrating life by going to a birthday party for my baby cousins and hanging out with a lot of family and friends. Bub and I will be watching the Superbowl with the neighbors that Mark and I never got to hang out with that weekend. I debated whether I wanted to watch the Superbowl at all considering his team wasn't playing in it but it's kind of a holiday type thing and I don't want to opt out. I considered watching it with his family but I just can't. He would have been right there in the middle of it all, loud, laughing and cussing and yelling at the TV with his uncles and brothers and Dad. I'm sure they will all still be doing that but he'll be missing and I'll be sad so rather than put myself through that I'm going to hang out with friends. We'll keep it light and fun so that I can get through it.

I'm sure we're still going to talk about him, which is okay because I like to talk about him. It's not like he's not on my mind every second of every day so talking about him is just verbalizing what I'm already thinking. This will be another first without him though. There's been a lot of firsts this past month and there will be more, lots more.

Now we're in February, the month of love, but my love is in heaven. I've been thinking of ways to honor him and honor the love that we shared, that still comes pouring out of me. I think I'm going to send a love note up to heaven on a balloon for him, maybe light a candle, I don't know. I'll hang out with friends and family the weekend before Valentine's Day and go to church and invest in others. Bub and I are going to have a dinner date on Valentine's Day I'm going to buy some roses for my love and put them by his urn. I'm planning weekend getaways in February so that I'm surrounded by people that love me and lift me up. I need positivity in my life right now. Positivity and prayer will get you a long way.

So here's to another month! One down, tons to go, but at least I've got the first one under my belt. Happy 1 month homecoming Honeybun! I love you and miss you more than words can say. #iloveyoubig Your Wife