Early Morning Phone Calls

My heart skipped a beat this morning when my phone rang. My hubby would call me every morning as I drove to drop Bub off at school and then commuted to work. I haven't had an early morning phone call since the day he passed.

This morning my phone rang. It was my mom. For a second my heart leapt in my chest but then it came back down and left me feeling disappointed. I'll never have another phone call from him. I'll never hear him say, "Good morning beautiful, why haven't you called me? I look forward to hearing your voice every morning. I miss you." We missed each other even after a few hours...look at me now.

This week it will be one month since he moved to Heaven. One month since we've spoken. Even when we went through hard times and separated we still spoke daily. We fought for each other and fought for our marriage, even when we were on the brink and hanging on by our fingernails. We held on to each other and pulled each other through the tough times. Now I'm grasping for something and he's not there.

We would talk every morning, text throughout the day, talk every afternoon, and spend every evening and night together. We would laugh in bed until 1 in the morning sometimes. We would get "tangled up in each other" and wrap our feet together in bed. Even if we needed our space in bed, our feet would touch. Sometimes we would fall asleep holding hands. Even after 8 years of marriage and everything we'd been through we still wanted to be close. We loved each other but it was more than that...we were IN love.

We'd been through a lot in our short marriage...layoffs, unemployment, infertility, infidelity, our own vices, at least 8 moves, new jobs & challenges, new schools, grad school...so many stressors and we just held on tight through it all.

I know he's still with me in my heart. I carry him in my heart. I know he sees me and I hope I'm making him proud. I hope he knows how much I love and miss him. I hope he's holding my hand as God carries me through this. I just wish he wouldn't have left me in the first place. He promised he would never leave me but yet here I am, going on without him because I have to.

I'm rambling. I'm having a hard day. It's crazy what a difference a day makes. Ugh.