Riding the waves

Today's sermon was about praying. The pastor likened prayer to surfing the raging swells of the sea. Through prayer God gives us the strength and wisdom that we need to ride the waves, not be taken under by them. OMG that is SO true! Mark's passing has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through and though I'm doing better there's not a day that goes by that I don't feel something related to him... sad about him not being here, or lonely, or angry about being alone and starting over, or scared, frustrated, discouraged. Every single day he is on my mind and in my heart but I know he's home, he's fine, it's me that struggles. The struggle is real, LOL. 

I pray every day, all the time. I pray without ceasing. I never understood that verse. I thought 'How can you pray without ceasing. Who has time for that? How do you get anything else done?' I didn't realize it didn't mean walk around praying silently all day, it meant pray in every circumstance, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It means to "pray with your eyes open" as my pastor put it. Talk to God and then look and listen for His reply. Pray with your eyes open.

I'm thankful that I've let Him in and we've developed the kind of relationship where I can pray and discern His voice and see his hand at work in my life and the lives of others. It didn't happen overnight. Like any relationship it takes time and patience and nurturing. It's communication, not one sided, you have to wait and listen and look for His response. I pray all the time. I pray in the morning, in the shower, in the car, when there are hiccups during the day, and when I go to bed at night. Some prayers are longer than others. Some prayers are for others and some are for myself. Some prayers are public and I post and share them because I think they may be the words that others need to say but can't find. And some prayers are more like painful screams, uncensored and unapologetic.

Whatever they are, they are deepening my relationship with my Father and strengthening my faith and are woven into the fabric of my life, not just said on Sunday mornings and they help me to ride out the waves of life. When my pastor said prayer is like the surfboard that lets you ride the waves I got it. It is! Without prayer you're just building sandcastles, busying yourself and stressing about the tide that will come wash them away and then busying yourself again to build them again. With prayer you are on top of the wave. This is SO true!  Prayer gives me peace during the storms. They remind me that He is here. HE reminds me that He is here. You can have that too. Just talk, and listen. Start there. You'll be amazed at how much you grow from there, how much your relationship grows and how you'll be able to hear him too. He's waiting and He's in the waiting. 

Before I started dating I prayed for God to help me guard my heart and protect me. It's pretty ironic (but then again it's not, it's all God) anyway it's crazy that every single time I get comfortable enough to take the next step (hold hands, a kiss goodnight, etc.) something comes up or plans change or the date gets cancelled and then the guys fade away as quickly as they came in. I have enough self-confidence and self-worth to know it's not me but it still sucks. But then I remember that's God. I asked him to protect me from wrongdoers and protect my heart from being used and broken. He's doing that. It's pretty cool actually. 

Then this morning as I was standing alone in church I look around me and notice husbands with their hands on their wives' backs or shoulders as we were standing in worship. I miss that. It's the little things. I started to get discouraged and tears welled up in my eyes and I started praying for peace and patience as I wait and for Him to still and steady my heart. Then our worship team sang my anthem right now: "Take Courage." Coincidence... nope. I hear you God. Recenter. Refocus. He's in the waiting. Serve while you wait. Pray without ceasing. Be broken and blessed and bless others. Got it. 

Thank you God for hearing my prayers and answering them in a way that's discernible so that I can share with the world how awesome and faithful you are. Thank you for your encouragement today and continue to help me to be strong and patient while I wait on your will. Lead me out onto the water and help me ride the waves of this life. I trust you and I will follow where you lead. Amen. 

Survive and Thrive

My motto for the first half of the year was "Breathe." It was all I could do when Mark passed and there were many times I had to remind myself to just breathe. Now I'm surviving all the firsts without him. I survived the first Valentine's Day without him, first birthday without him, first Father's Day, and now our first vacation without him.

I decided a couple months back that Bub and I needed a vacation after the year we've had so I booked a cruise for us. I knew I wanted to take a big trip but didn't feel safe taking him cross country on my own yet (the movie Taken kept replaying in my head). I figured a cruise was the safest way to go. I could check him in to the teen club and he could come and go as he pleases and hang with kids his own age but we could still eat together and do stuff together. The ship has cameras, security, and is self-contained and all-inclusive so I felt it was the best vacation for us to go on as a newly single mom.

The night before I was making sure the tags were on our luggage and all our documents were in order and I started to freak out a little. I was nervous about navigating the parking/cruise terminal and getting through embarkation on my own. Then I started to get nervous about the alone time I would have on the ship... what would I do when I was alone? Would I get lonely? I started to stress. I did everything I needed to do and talked to friends who assured me that I would be alright so I went to bed with that in my head. "I'll be alright. It'll be fun."

We made it to Galveston with time to spare. Traffic wasn't a bother and I was able to navigate there with no problems thanks to google maps. Issac rolled the big suitcase to be checked in by the stewards and I carried the carry-on bags and we made it through embarkation in about 30 minutes! That was a relief! Then we were on the ship and off to explore while we waited for our room to be ready and luggage to be delivered.

Day 1: Fun & full of excitement. We had lunch on the Lido (party) deck and checked out the schedule and made a plan for the night. We went swimming, got our teeth whitened at the spa, he went back out to the pool, and I had the best 2 hour full body massage EVER. I'm talkin hot seaweed wrap, shower, scalp massage/neck/shoulders/arms/fingers, legs/feet-reflexology, another shower, flip onto your stomach and she does a full body massage from the back, then flip and she does the full body from the front. It was A-MAZING. Well worth the money. She did say she was concerned about the stress knot I have in my neck/shoulderblade area...hmmm I wonder why? Note to self... get simple massages more regularly. Well the massage lasted longer than I expected and we missed dinner in the dining room so we had the buffet instead. Then we caught a PG comedy show and went our separate ways. He went to his teen club and I went to the adult comedy show. We met back up in the room around midnight. I survived Day 1.


Day 2: It was too much fun but it was also setting in that I was alone. Sitting out on the deck I did some people watching. Here's how my day went.

I need a poolchair....there's one, that's all I need. I'll just sandwich myself in between the skinny girl with a cute suit and the other skinny girl with a hot husband. Perfect! I'll take a Mojito please. Hmm, now what? There's lots of couples on the cruise. Newly married couples, boyfriend/girlfriend couples, couples that are getting engaged on the cruise/island, couples that have been married for years... I wanted to be married that long. Ugh. Another Mojito pelase! Oh look, they're selling gold jewelry over there, tax-free/duty-free, maybe I can find a gold ring guard for my emerald ring that Mark bought me. (I look down at my rings and get sad that there's not a wedding ring there). The girl to my right compliments my emerald ring so I tell her thanks, my husband bought it for my birthday since it's my birthstone. She asked if he stayed home so of course I had to tell her he passed and got the "Oh I'm so sorry" reply to which I just smiled and said thank you... another Mojito please! We got to talking and laughing and by the time time I knew it I was dancing on the deck! What sadness?? Alcohol makes me happy! By this time I was burnt to a crisp and had lost count of the Mojitos and my child, who I hadn't seen since around 10 am when he ditched me to run around with friends. I took that as my cue to leave. I survived my first day at sea alone.

I went back to the room to freshen up for dinner (which we didn't make it to by the way... thank you Mojitos). We brought plates back to our room and turned in early that night. Bub was tired from his day of running around and swimming and I spent my evening in and out of the cold shower to feel better.

Day 3: We woke up early to get a head start on the day. We had breakfast and then we were off to Playa del Carmen for our adventure excursion. We had so much fun tubing, snorkeling, zip-lining, but again, there was a hole in my heart and a frog in my throat at times. The constant thought, "Mark would've loved this" or "Mark would never do that" or "Mark would've done..." He's always there, always on my mind even if he's there at the back of my mind. That's just the way it is now. I've come to accept it. We had a blast and got back to the ship and had time to shower and rest before dinner. Bub and I had dinner in the dining room. He was excited to get to eat a fancy dinner and his face lit up when I told him he could order his own appetizer (not have to share a table appetizer) AND dessert. After dinner he went to hang out with friends and I went to the Love & Marriage show (kind of like the newlywed game but with 3 couples: newlyweds, a middle-of-the-road couple, and a long-lasting couple). It was super funny and I identified so much with it. I don't feel single. I still feel married. I laughed and answered the questions in my head as to what Mark would do/say. I felt the lump in my throat swelling again so I ordered... a glass of wine. NOT a Mojito! Not after yesterday. Well, in an auditorium full of people there's bound to be a mix-up. My wine never came :( Oh well, it's probably better that way. I went to the room and turned in for the night. It was after 11 anyway. I survived our day of adventures alone in Mexico!

     

             

Day 4: I woke up around 6 am as usual but made myself go back to sleep. Bub & I slept in until room service came and kicked us out at 11:30. We went to the Lido deck (I did NOT want to go out there in the sun again but that's where everything was happening) and had lunch. He ran into friends AGAIN and we went back to the room to change into our swimsuits and he ran off again. I laid out for a bit, you know, to even out the sunburn, and then got in the pool and people watched and drank pina coladas (something milder than Mojitos). A couple hours out there and I was over it. I went in and went to a show, then back to the room to shower and pack to leave tomorrow. Bub came back to the room around the same time I did and we laid in bed and watched movies all evening, until dinner. We had drinks at the lounge before dinner (he had a coke and I had a Jack & coke) and then we had dinner in the dining room again. After 4 days of running around I think we were both done so we went back to the room for more movies in bed.

Day 5: We woke up bright & early to get our stuff and get off the boat. We had one last breakfast before getting off the ship and making our way through the debarkation process. We made it through customs/border patrol, the shuttle, and found our car in the parking lot with no problem! I survived debarkation! Then we hit the road. I turned my music on and he slept... the whole way... like a true teenager.

When we got home I left all the bags in the car and plopped down on the bed, hugged my Mark pillow tight, pulled the covers over my head, and let it all out. It sucks coming home to nothingness, not having anybody missing you or thinking about you at home, not having anyone to tell all the details of your trip to. It sucks having to vacation alone as a single mom when you were a family just 9 months ago.

It sucks. I didn't ask for this but it is what it is and it's the only life we've got to live so we're making the best of it, even if it means surviving little moments one at a time. We survived. We thrived! We had fun and made memories that will last a lifetime. I loved seeing my boy smile and his face light up with every new experience, every new food he got to eat, sight he got to see. I loved hearing him say, "Thanks Mom, I love you!" I loved bonding with him and sharing a little more of myself with him on a personal level (not too much though, I'm still MOM). I did it. I survived our first family vacation as a family of 2. I feel empowered and exhausted all at the same time. I wish it was Sunday because I need church to refill me and refuel me for the week.

Who knows what this week will hold. It's the first week of school so tomorrow will be back to normal with parent drop-off and pick-ups, dinner, homework, and normal life. Wish us well as this is the first school year from start-to-finish where it's just the two of us. Hopefully he doesn't give me hell about homework the way he did last year when Mark had to get onto him. Hopefully he has his head on straight this year. There's going to be many more firsts without Dad around this year: band performances, homecoming dances, swim meets, etc. but we will survive...and we will thrive!. It's what we do. We are warriors!

Highs and Lows

As most of you know I have started dating. I find my peace in the Lord and have been comforted  and provided for and protected in so many ways but the one thing that's missing are strong arms to hold me.  I'm human. I'm a woman. I want to be wanted and loved and treasured. It's hard for me to reconcile my belief  that God is the husband to the widow and the father to the fatherless with the fact that he is not a physical being that can hug me back.  He sent his son to be a physical being but He has come and gone and I am following after him but I'm alone and that gets lonely sometimes. I am staying strong and standing firm in my faith and I'm standing on my own two feet in the meantime but I'm open to dating and relationships because I want to be loved again. My dating is not an attempt to fill a void or replace my husband but at the same time there is a void and an emptiness that can't be filled, only understood. I just want someone who understands loss and is still interested in me and wants to spend time with me.

I went on a date yesterday with someone new. I was excited about going on the date.  I don't know if it's because we share the same cultural background and that made me feel more comfortable or if it's because  I had already gone on a few dates so I was more comfortable. Either way I went into the date feeling excited and confident. I was still a little nervous, not knowing what he would be like in person, his personality, etc. but things actually went really well. We met at a restaurant and had dinner and the conversation flowed easily. I was able to joke and laugh and be myself and he seemed as if he was comfortable and being himself as well. He was funny without trying too hard. He was a gentleman. He was attentive and interested in getting to know me and my story. He complemented me, which was nice. He seemed as if he was into me which was nice because I would like to know more about him. We hit it off and I left the date feeling optimistic and excited and on a high.

Today, however, I came crashing down. I realize that I am good with going on dates.  I am good at going on dates. I'm personable, kind of funny, a little outgoing, and I'm good company. I'm good AT going on dates.  And I'm good at being a wife. It's the in between area that I'm finding that I struggle with. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to start over from square one  and not let my heart run ahead. I don't know how to just chill and let things happen without wondering about where the relationship or friendship is going. I'm a good wife and considering the fact that I'm not married anymore and I'm not sure that I want to remarry, I'd be a good girlfriend.  I'm good with that, being a good girlfriend, but getting from point A to point B is hard for me. It's hard for me to not be ALL IN. I usually have a pretty good sense about people, pretty good judgment of character and  motives, and I trust my gut. So if I agree to a date it's because I saw something,  potential, and weeded out the rest of Bozos. So if things go well I find myself wanting to run ahead, go at warp speed, and be ALL IN. I have to remind myself that I'm starting over from the beginning. I'm not used to being at the beginning.

So during my lows, when I'm questioning motives and my actions (Does he like me? Should I text/call? Will he think I'm too pushy? If I don't will he think I'm not interested? on and on and on), I have to center myself. Since I find my center in Christ I read my Christian dating/waiting book (Lady in Waiting) and then turn on my Christian music and do some bible journaling. It helps me calm my anxious heart. I suck at waiting. I suck at being patient in this situation. I have the patience of Job but when it comes to relationships I suck at being patient. It's hard to be patient and be grateful for the baby steps when you once had it all. But I will do my best.

Lord thank you for your grace and the peace and comfort you bring to steady my heart. Help me to seek you in the stillness and be with you while I'm waiting because you are in the waiting season with me. I am not alone. I pray that you will bring a good man into my life and that I will be ready for him when you send him to me. Until then I pray that you will help me guard my heart during the dating highs and calm my anxious heart during the dating lows. Bless us, forgive us, and protect us all and be with the soldiers, the sick, the poor, & the hungry. I pray all this in Christ's name. Amen.

Being a Lady of Contentment

A couple months ago I felt myself coming back to life since losing Mark. When I lost him I went into  shut down mode. My body wanted to shut down, my brain shut down, my heart shut down. It was hard to care for myself, much less my son or anyone else. Thank God my mom was here to care for him during those first couple weeks. After she left I had to push myself to get out of bed and take him to school and go to work. I had to push myself through each moment of each day. It was hard.

Every day I would wake up sad, not looking forward to the day because it was another day without my love. If you've never experienced loss there's no way you can fully understand but it's horrible. You don't want to go to bed because those are quiet times when the world stands still and that's is excruciating when you're grieving. And if you have to go to bed in an empty bed it's even worse. Then there's the insomnia and you can't sleep so you battle with sleep all night and finally doze off to catch those few hours that elude you. Then the alarm goes off and you wake up to immediate heartbreak and disappointment that slaps you in the face as you wake up alone to face another day without your person. It's HARD to say the least.

I fought the fight day in and day out and realized a couple months ago that it was getting easier to enjoy the day. I woke up thinking about work, not immediately depressed about being alone. I started making plans again and I could actually stick to them and not flake out to cry in my room. I felt like I was coming back to myself, coming back to life again. He was breathing life back into me.

Then I started thinking about my future again and that scared me. When I was with Mark I thought about our future together. We made plans. We had dreams. When he passed all those dreams and plans were crushed. I couldn't see past the moment much less make weekend plans or think about what my new future would hold. But then I found myself thinking about the future again. I found myself feeling sad about not being a wife and not belonging to anyone anymore. I found myself feeling lost and confused and scared at the thought of dating. So what do I do when I'm feeling this way? I turn to the word. And when I don't know where to look in the Bible I go to the Christian bookstore and look for books to guide me.

So one afternoon in June I sat cross-legged on the floor in the aisle of the Lifeway store, thumbing through books about widowhood, grieving, dating again, dating, praying for your future husband, etc.  I was starting to get discouraged because I couldn't find a book that spoke to my needs, but then I found this one: Lady in Waiting, Becoming Gods Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. Hmm... I want to become God's best. And I am in waiting for what's next. So I thumbed through it and decided to make the purchase.

Let me just say that this book is great! It takes the focus off finding a man, stressing about finding a man or dating or being sexy enough, witty enough, flirty enough, etc. It turns your focus to God and on what you can do to better yourself for Him and love according to His will and trust that He will send you someone if that's what He has planned for you. It's about being your best self so that if you do have someone come into your life you can be your best for them and with them. I can't do the book justice, you'll just have to pick it up and read it for yourself. It's great for young singles, those that are divorced or single again, and it's even ministering to me and I'm widowed and suddenly-single again.

I'm currently in chapter 8, Lady of Contentment: learning to be content with life and finding joy in each day regardless of circumstance. This one paragraph speaks so loudly to me because it confirms that I'm on the right track in handling things since being thrust into the suddenly-single world. Regardless of whether I'm dating or not, I've tried to be content and I have chosen joy every day since losing Mark. Some days it's been harder than others but I make a point to try and be content and give praise to God regardless of my circumstances.

"Whether married or single (or widowed in my case), one must learn that it is Jesus who strengthens you to walk in the most dismal or delightful of circumstances. True contentment is learned. You are not born with it, and you cannot buy it at one of Kmart's blue-light specials. Your classroom for learning is your daily life. Every shattered dream or unfulfilled expectation serves as a perfect opportunity to learn contentment. The circumstances are your classroom assignments for learning the mystery of contentment. Learning contentment requires complete dependence upon Jesus, for difficult circumstances without the strength of Jesus can rob you of potential contentment." ~ Jackie Kendall, Lady in Waiting #choosejoy #ladyinwaiting 

Sure my dreams have been shattered and my life has been turned upside down, but I'm just going to keep on keepin on. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, pouring myself out into others and into my passions and my calling and keep living in each moment and finding contentment in each day. It's a process and a choice. Every day you have a choice to have a good day, or not.

Whether you're going through loss or just going through a different kind of struggle, look up. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Don't let your circumstances or your past define you but let it teach you. Life is a lesson learned. Learn contentment. Love and peace to you all!
❤️ Cassi

Lead Me to Lead

On this day in 2013 I read my "Jesus Calling" devotional and prayed that God would lead me to lead others. I admitted that I struggle with teaching others to follow Jesus. I have a very quiet and humble spirit, I'm not very evangelical in the "in your face" sense. I prayed that He would help me to do his will and lead me to lead others.

"I SPEAK TO YOU from deepest heaven. You hear Me in the depths of your being. Deep calls unto deep. You are blessed to hear Me so directly. Never take this privilege for granted. The best response is a heart overflowing with gratitude. I am training you to cultivate a thankful mind-set. This is like building your house on a firm rock, where life's storms cannot shake you. As you learn these lessons you are to teach them to others. I will open up the way before you, one step at a time." (Psalm 42:7; Psalm 95:1-2; Matthew 7:24-25)

Well... He did. I've been told that I'm leading others to Christ through my testimony and I'm leading others through grief and loss and pain as well. I prayed that He would show me how and He did. He gave me a platform and gives me the words. This is more proof that He listens and answers prayers.

Daring to Date

I've decided that I'm ready to put myself out there and date. I love my husband in heaven but I want to be loved here on earth again. It's called duality: Moving forward to be happy and living in the moment even though you're grieving the loss of the past. 

The best way I can explain it is like this: You have a baby. You love that baby more than anything. Then you're going to have another baby. You wonder if you'll be able to love the second child like your first. You wonder if there's enough love in your heart. Then you have that second child and you realize there IS more love there. Your love for your first child doesn't fade or lessen, and you don't love your second child less than the first. You love both with an amazing amount of love because that's how the heart works. Love grows. It compounds. 

That's where I am. I don't love Mark less. I'm not getting OVER him or boxing him up and moving on. I'm living life and moving forward. He would want me to. He'd want me to be loved & taken care of, I know he would.

So I started dating last month. Went out a few times with the same guy and all was going well. Then I got ghosted. Maybe I'm too much. Too reserved. Too conservative. Too slow moving. Too churchy. Too smart. Too much of a good girl. Too "sweet." Too successful. Too much of a thinker. Too much baggage. Too much history/past. Too intimidating.

I can only assume it's because of one of the reasons above because I wasn't clingy or needy or full of drama. Who knows!?! It stings a little but I'm not lowering my values or standards just because someone thinks I'm too... WHATEVER. And I don't think I'm half bad! I'm a catch dangit! Hopefully someone else besides Mark will be able to see that and appreciate that. One can only hope.

A Table for One

August 6, 2017

I went to church early today to be a greeter and got pulled to work in the toddler room instead. Someone had called in and they needed extra hands. I got to play with sweet 2 year olds! I'm happy to be used where I'm needed. I spent the 10 am service in the toddler room and got to enjoy the late service instead.

After church I got the craving for Mexican food. Bub is with his dad and my friends all went to Comic Con so I knew I'd be eating alone. I was willing to do it because I wanted Mexican food. When I told the lady it would just be one she asked me if it was okay to sit at a 6-top table. (NO!!) I politely asked for a smaller table off to the back. Crazy lady, trying to sit me at that big empty table all by myself! No thank you!

I'm getting stronger and I'm able to eat alone now but I'll never feel comfortable doing it, much less sitting alone at a big table. It gets more normal but it never gets easier.

Paddling Through the Water

August 5, 2017

I spent the afternoon painting with friends. I LOVE the way everyone's paintings turned out. Mine has me in a kayak. Ever since Mark passed I have a new relationship with water. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, sometimes I feel powerful like I'm swimming, sometimes I feel like I'm barely coming up for air. My painting has me in a kayak just paddling through it, through the dark rough waters toward the beautiful sunset. 

Going Out Dancing

August 5, 2017

I went to happy hour with some friends last night and felt great. I got all dressed up and felt confident and sexy and was having a great time. I didn't want to go home afterwards so I hung with friends and then went out. My girlfriend & I went to Bo's Barn, a local country bar/dance hall. 

It was my first time at a country bar, with country music playing and people dancing, since I lost my dancing partner. I walked in confident but felt myself wilting inside, though I didn't show it. When asked to dance by an older gentleman I said yes, only to get through it and get it over with. It was awkward and I stepped on his toes as if I couldn't dance when we all know I can dance circles around the dance floor. I made it to midnight and then we left and I cried the whole way home. This. Freaking. Sucks. But I did it. I got through it. I guess that's a plus.

I was asked what emotion I feel the most right now, in the midst of my grief? What is it that is making me cry: sadness, anger, fear, etc? At this point it's loneliness. I miss my person, my confidant & best friend. I miss having someone to share my life with, on the good and bad days. I choose joy each day and I'm doing damn good considering but damnit if it isn't lonely. 

So I'm sad about that. I miss him. And I miss who I was when I was with him. I was cherished. I was loved. I was adored. I was safe. I was carefree! Sure we had issues, every marriage does, but we were a team. We knew how to work at it, work hard, and have fun. Nights like last night would've been fun and carefree. Now they're challenging. I see things differently. I'm changed. Death does that. It changes you to your core when you lose someone so close to your heart. It shatters your heart into a million pieces and when it's put back together again it's never the same. It's never quite right. 

In some ways I feel like I've become a better person since losing Mark, I've become stronger, wiser, more financially savvy, and a stronger woman of faith, but in other ways I'm changed. I'm experienced, maybe a little jaded, disappointed, and so homesick for heaven. Sometimes I just wanna go Home and be done with this race! Life is so short but yet SO long at the same time, if that makes sense. But one more day has gone by and I'm one day closer to heaven so I'll keep walking. I just miss him and I miss me. It's lonely.

My Body Needs to Match My Mind

Well I'm starting to slim down again. That's what happens when your world shifts and you don't eat for a while and then don't cook. Before Mark I was fit. I had good eating habits and was outgoing and adventurous. When we got together we enjoyed BBQing, going to the movies, out to eat, etc and my adventurous lifestyle gave way to love and happiness and being comfortable. I took on his eating habits and developed a few bad ones of my own (thank you Dad for the sweet tooth).

After he passed I didn't eat for a while due to shock. Then I didn't eat much bc I was in overdrive all the time and didn't feel like eating. Then it was bc I didn't want to cook (how do you cook for 1 person). These days I eat 1 meal: lunch. I know it's not good but I've never been a breakfast person (unless it's breakfast in bed). I have my coffee in the AM, eat lunch with the kids, and have wine in the evening. No sense cooking dinner or making a mess for just me. Sometimes I'll eat almonds and cheese for dinner. Sometimes I'll skip dinner altogether. My groceries go bad, I've had a bachelor's fridge, and I go-go-go so much that it doesn't even phase me.

I suppose now is the time to get it right. I'm clearing the fridge out today (there's hardly anything in it anyway) and next time I buy groceries it'll be stuff that's good for our bodies. I'm not going all crazy Vegan or anything, just going to do it better. And I SUPPOSE I'll join group fitness. I want my body to catch up to my mind now. My mind is strong, fearless, an overcomer. My body needs to be the same way again.

My Repurposed Ring

July 28, 2017

I have to brag because I'm so stinking excited!!! My husband passed in January in a tragic car accident. He was 37. I'm 35. I wore my wedding ring for a while but it hurt when people at church or whatever would see my ring and ask, "So what does your husband do," or "Where is your husband?" I didn't want to just store it in the jewelry box and didn't feel right wearing it on my right hand. 

After much thought I decided to work with a jeweler to re-purpose it. My husband was my biggest encourager and supporter when I went through grad school and he was so proud of me when I graduated and passed my licensing boards in December, three weeks before he passed. It seems perfect that his ring would wrap around my college ring. My jeweler took the diamonds and metal to make the wrap for my Aggie ring and made earrings and a necklace pendant out of the rest of it. I am SO IN LOVE WITH IT!!! It hurt my heart a little to see it broken apart like that but I'll get so much out of it this way now. It's a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven and I'm so happy with it.

My jeweler took the diamonds and metal from my wedding band and made a ring wrap for my Aggie ring. Now I can wear both of my favorite rings in one! I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!! What a beautiful way to honor my sweet husband in heaven. I love that he is part of my Aggie ring forever now! Thank you to my jewler, Ken Sanders, from the bottom of my heart!

Be the Good

July 28, 2017

"What if instead of waiting for good enough things to happen to us, we could be the the good thing to happen to someone else who's waiting?" ~ Ann Voskamp

I attended a fundraiser for Special Olympics of Texas and gave financially to the cause. I see the way Special Olympics positively impacts our kids. They are so proud of themselves when they practice and perform and the families are so proud as well. It's a cause close to my heart and I'm blessed with a good job so that I'm able to give back with my talents, my time, and my treasure.

I'm happy to help and be the good thing to happen to someone else.

Broken and Blessed

July 27, 2017

If your cup is empty, don't try frantically to fill it back up. Pour it out and let God fill it back up. It works. I'm poured out. I'm completely empty today and yet so full at the same time!

When I lost my husband I was given a book from a friend at work. This book has been my saving grace. I LOVE IT! It's my new favorite book. It's all about living your best life and giving your best regardless of the circumstances or the hand you've been dealt. It has a beautiful message and it's beautifully written. If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.

Since Mark moved to heaven I've been pouring myself out, volunteering, giving financially, etc. So far I've bought backpacks and school supplies for a preK, kinder, 1st, & 6th grader, on top of clothes and school supplies for my own 8th grade boy. I've been blessed with the ability to make a living doing what I love so that I can provide for myself and my son independently, now that Mark moved to heaven. The life insurance was rolled into a secured account and hasn't been touched. And I'm making wise decisions with my money. We live modestly and have everything we need so I give back when and where I can. It's not mine anyway, it's HIS and I'm honoring Him with my time & treasures. If He can get it THROUGH you He will get it TO you. 

If you're struggling with ANYTHING, buy this book. It's called "The Broken Way" by Ann Voskamp.

Forgiven - David Crowder (lyrics on screen) HD

Forgiven Lyrics

I Graduated from Counseling!

July 27, 2017

I reached a milestone today! 

I graduated from counseling!!! I've gone to grief counseling through Grief Share, joined widows groups online, read countless books (thank you friends for sending me books!), immersed myself in the word and taken the lead from strong women of the Bible, and met with my LPC twice a month since January. I hadn't met with her since May and when I had a touch-base session today she said I'm good to go! I figured. It feels right. I feel good.

An Attempted Break In

July 26, 2017

I just had the scare of my life! Around midnight Charlee, my dachshund, jumped out of bed and started attacking the front door. I grabbed my phone and a knife and went into the living room and heard the doorknob jiggling!! I called 911 and waited for the cops to come while pacing back and forth with my buck knife. The police officer showed up and checked the perimeter of the house and when he was going to come to the front door to tell me it was all clear he noticed a raccoon chillin at the top of the door! That's what Charlee heard and was trying to get at through the door. She must've smelled it. It had climbed up using the doorknob as a step and then hung from the wreath hanger. Talk about scared!!! What if it WAS someone trying to get in. What the hell was I gonna do with a knife?? That's it...I'm getting a gun!

My friends gave me a hard time and posted funny memes on my Facebook all day. It's all good. I can laugh at myself now but I was scared to death at night.

Discerning God's Voice & Following Where I'm Led

July 24, 2017

I had posted the following blog on July 24, 2016...

I've always felt close to the Lord, like I can hear Him and get the message He's trying to tell/show me through life's experiences and influential people. It was no surprise that I scored high on discernment on my spiritual gifts inventory. However right now I'm wondering if I misunderstood the message or blurred it with the voices of the world, the voices inside my head, or my own selfish wants and drive. Sometimes it's hard during tough times to tell where I end and He begins, not my will but His. Did I interpret His will correctly? Was I obedient? Or was I overzealous? Right now I'm starting to feel like I was overzealous and went off blazing my own trail like "I got this" and now the sun is setting and I'm starting to realize I don't really know where I am or where I'm going. I need a sign, a word, a door that's open to know I'm still going in the right direction.

When I first began my journey as a special education teacher I prayed and prayed to be led in the right direction and to be protected as I worked with these delicate kids and families. They go through so much and as much as I understand, it's NOTHING in comparison to what they know, so I prayed for humility and wisdom. God opened doors and led me to great people who would teach me and fill my heart with so much joy. This last change is a little more difficult. Although I've moved schools or districts in the past, I've always been a sped teacher. I've always had a sense of stability, a predictable schedule, benefits, etc. and now I'm in a whole new world. It's been SO fulfilling and rewarding but it's also been challenging as I'm having to adjust from something I've known for 10 years and there's more unpredictability than what I'm used to. I'm having growing pains. I know I'm not lost, I'm never lost, I'm just a little scared out here in the woods.

Anyone ever feel this way or is it just me being the overthinker that I am?

I WAS in the right place at the right time! It was His plan and His plan has played out beautifully. Thank God that I was obedient because He has provided for me through CTBS (the company I work for) once Mark moved to heaven. He set me up for the worst day of my life and then let others care for me and carry me through it all. Thank you friends and thank you Jesus! If I wouldn't have followed I wouldn't have made it. If I wouldn't have taken the leap of faith I would've fallen short without Mark's income. His love and provision is AMAZING! I see you God! I see your hand. Thank you!!









❤️

Unselfish Love

July 22, 2017

I've decided to let Bub spend the rest of the summer at his dad's It wasn't an easy decision and I miss him like crazy but they've both agreed to stay in contact and give me every other weekend. He's bored here all day while I work until 6 because JJ isn't coming around anymore so it's just him and the dog. He's bored and lonely. Over there at his dad's he has cousins to hang out with all the time. I told him yesterday and these were his words to me...

"Are you sure mom? I don't want you to be sad because you're alone all the time. If you'll be okay then I'll do it. (After some reassuring...) I'm really proud of you mom, this is really big of you. I love you."

Aww my little man is proud of ME but his response made me SO proud of him!!! I love my sweet boy!

Backpack Buddies

I sponsored a couple kids through church to buy school supplies for. I bought backpacks and school supplies and prayed for them each day. In addition to praying over their supplies I chose to write my prayers down since my kiddo is a 6th grader. Sixth grade is a highly influential time so I wanted him to know how loved and prayed for he is. I wanted to help lead him on the right path.

Day 1: "Dear Friend, Sixth grade is new and exciting and sometimes a little overwhelming. I pray that you will take this new beginning to make the most of yourself - your talents, your reputation, and your friendships. Choose your friends wisely and make smart choices. I pray that you will surround yourself with people that don't just want to have fun with you but want to look out for you and achieve things and grow with you. Have a great year!" (Read Proverbs 22:1 and Ecclesiastes 4:12)

Day 2: "Dear Friend, I know this is a time in your life when you want to do more, have more freedom, be your own person. You're growing into a young man now. Just be careful what you focus on or who you look up to. Not everything that glitters is gold. Whatever you give your time and attention to most will lead your life. Make sure to find a strong, smart, confident man to be your role model and guide you. I pray that you will be led by great men and women."

Day 3: "Dear Friend, The choices you make are like bricks of pavement on the road. They pave the way for your life. Make good choices, see good rewards. Make bad choices and your road will take you places you will regret and you don't want to go. I pray that you will make healthy choices and have friends that will help you make good choices."

Day 4: "Dear Friend, Your family is your core, your backbone. I know sometimes families fight and things aren't always roses and rainbows but they've got your back. Be loyal - don't turn your back on them. I pray that your family will be there for you and lead you to live the best life, that they will seek God during the hard times and come to Him with questions or frustrations. He can handle it. I pray that you always know you can turn to family with anything - don't struggle alone."

Day 5: "Dear Friend, Your life is now beginning. You're getting older and doing a little more on your own. The school work will be harder, mom/dad won't be there to remind you about projects due - you have to remember everything. This is just the beginning, especially if you want to go to college. I pray that you don't give up when things get tough. That's when you dig in and dig deeper inside yourself and give it your all and find what you're truly made of. You got this! I pray for your perseverance and for you to have a spirit of hope."

Day 6: "Dear Friend, You probably already know by now that happiness comes and goes. Not everyday is a good day but there is good in every day. Sometimes you just have to look for it. I pray that you will find joy in every day, even the hard ones. Find something to be thankful for. When you look for the positive in life your good days outnumber your bad days. You can't have a positive life with a negative attitude. Have an attitude of gratitude and #choosejoy."

Day 7: "Dear Friend, This is my last note. I hope you have enjoyed the letters of encouragement and the school supplies. The last thing I hope for you is the most important - I pray you will always turn to God and grow in your relationship with Him. He's not just some invisible being in the sky. He is real. I know because I have experienced His working in my life in ways that are too coincidental to be anything else BUT GOD. He is real and he hears every prayer, every thought. Talk to him, even if they are short prayers. I pray/talk to him in the car, in the shower and if I can't sleep at night. You don't have to pray special prayers or words, just tell him what's on your heart. Pray when you need help with decisions, pray when you're sad, pray to give thanks, pray without ceasing. The more you talk to him and wait for him to show you what to do (listen) the closer y'all will be, just like any relationship. Go with God and grow with God. Lots of love!"

Finished praying for my #backpackbuddies If you can, please consider blessing some kiddos in your community as we gear up for another school year. #bts #bethelight

The Night Sky

July 19, 2017

I ordered a custom poster of the night sky. You send the company your date and location and they print a poster of the stars positions and constellations from that location on that night. I sent them the date that my sweet husband went home to heaven. January 6th, 2017 from Troy, Texas.

I'm looking at it from the beautiful perspective. Tragically beautiful like I say. That's the night he went home! The night he flew into the arms of Jesus! The night I long for and am so jealous of. I think it's beautiful and the vast night sky shows the wonder of the universe and that there is so much more out there than what we can see.

I can't wait to hang it in my bedroom!

I'm Worth It

July 18, 2017

I have been struggling with my sense of identify since losing my husband. I've been cherished and adored and loved so gloriously and I belonged to someone who treasured me. I was his and he was mine. Even during the hard times, when I lost sight of who I was in our marriage and what I wanted my husband looked at me with loving and forgiving eyes and led me back to myself and led me back to God. I felt His love and forgiveness when I was wrapped in my husband's arms during those dark days. We didn't have a perfect marriage but it was real and it was SO good. I knew that when I had him and I treasured him.

Now that I've lost him I'm having to find myself and my new identity without him. It's so hard! When I feel judged or rejected I feel myself getting down on myself. I opened up my "Jesus Calling" book and read today's devotional and it reminded me that my worth is determined by what God says about me.

I am beautiful. I am kind. I am good-hearted. I am wise. I am worth knowing. I am worth loving. I am to be treasured because ultimately I AM HIS. Mark knew this and treated me as such. I do feel alone but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not. Maybe for now but not forever.

Rough Nights

July 18, 2017 at 7:57 am

Since seeing my love in my dream I've had a few rough days. And nights. Especially nights. I almost called in to work today. I actually talked to my boss last night and said I wanted to stay home today. I just wanted to stay in bed with my head under the covers and cry into my pillow. I'm entitled to that every now and then.

Instead of sleeping the day away my internal alarm clock woke me up at 6 am as usual and I talked to God to decide what to do. Papa God said to get my butt up. So I did.

Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. That's what I did.

Grace is new every day and joy comes in the morning so I got my butt up and showed up to work. Then I showed up for my first client, and the next client, and the next client, until the day was done. That's the plan for tomorrow too.

Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. Repeat.

Dream Visitations

July 17, 2017 at 8:15 am

I cried in my sleep this morning. My love came to visit me. I woke up around 5 am to go to the bathroom, checked the clock on my phone and realized I still had a couple hours of sleep, so I got back in bed and fell back asleep. Then he was there.

He knelt down by the bed and stroked my hair. I could feel his fingertips on my face and neck and through my hair. He got in bed and laid next to me and he was right there, so close to me. I held his face in my hands and could feel and see his salt & pepper hair and feel his skin. He just stared at me and spoke to me with his eyes. His lips didn't move but I could hear his words. He said, "I'm here. I don't come around a lot, only during this time, because THIS was our time. This was our thing (him stroking my hair in the early morning hours). I love you." I kissed him and I could feel his sweet kiss, his soft lips, and I could feel the tears falling. I knew I was sleeping because the tears were streaming from my closed eyes. I knew I was dreaming. Then he got up and walked away. He was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans and as he walked away I chased after him, sobbing and begging him not to leave again. Then I woke up.

Oh God I miss that man! It was bittersweet to have that dream. I love that I got to hold him and kiss him but I hated to see him go again. My heart was breaking all day and I'd been doing so good. It felt like the day after all over again. After Mark passed I felt closer to God but so distant from my husband. In an instant he was gone. Just like that... gone. I didn't feel him around, see any signs that he was near or watching over me, it wasn't like the movies. He was just gone. Then this happened. It's beautiful and amazing but it definitely ripped the wound open again. But I'll live with my heart cut open if it means knowing my love is in heaven watching over me.

I came across this picture and it holds new meaning now. He posted this on my Facebook wall back in 2009. I must've been out of town and he was telling me that he missed me. Now when I read it I picture him telling me this from that side of heaven. I miss him so much and I wish I was there too. I will be and I can't wait until the day when I can see him and hold him again.

Paradise

July 16, 2017 at 7:59 am

A month after my husband passed I had a dream that we went on a cruise with the kids. We had drinks at the bar and eventually I left him there while I went and got the kids settled in their cabin, right next door to our cabin. I accidentally fell asleep in their cabin and when I woke up the next morning I went next door and realized Mark hadn't been in our cabin. The bed was still made and it was obvious he hadn't been there so I spent the morning searching the cruise ship. As I was asking around at the bar the bartender said, "Oh, that guy cashed in his chips and got off the ship in the Bahamas." 

We were still docked so I got off the ship at the port and there he was, standing with his things in his arms. I questioned him, like, "What are you doing? Come on, the ships about to leave!" He refused to get back on the ship. He kept staring at me. He wouldn't talk to me but with his eyes he was saying," I'm staying here in paradise." I kept crying and pleading, "What about me? What about the kids?" but he refused. The ships horn blew and I had to make the decision to either stay with him or get back on the ship with the kids. I turned with tears streaming down my face and left him in the Bahamas and got back on the ship.

It was the most gut-wrenching dream. It was so recently after loosing him and I felt abandoned all over again. I talked to my therapist about my dream and she said he was telling me he was in paradise. It was a parallel to heaven. I can see that. I believe it.

I came across this picture from a cruise we took to Cozumel a few years back. This was how I envisioned him in my dream, standing there with his bag, happy as a clam. He IS in paradise now. I get it. I wish I could be in paradise with him but my journey is taking longer than his did. Although I think of him everyday and miss him everyday I'm finding my happiness too. #iloveyoubig Mark Anthony. I'll see you in paradise when my time comes. Save me a spot on the beach!
 #youngwidowwarrior #marksmovetoheaven