Highs and Lows

As most of you know I have started dating. I find my peace in the Lord and have been comforted  and provided for and protected in so many ways but the one thing that's missing are strong arms to hold me.  I'm human. I'm a woman. I want to be wanted and loved and treasured. It's hard for me to reconcile my belief  that God is the husband to the widow and the father to the fatherless with the fact that he is not a physical being that can hug me back.  He sent his son to be a physical being but He has come and gone and I am following after him but I'm alone and that gets lonely sometimes. I am staying strong and standing firm in my faith and I'm standing on my own two feet in the meantime but I'm open to dating and relationships because I want to be loved again. My dating is not an attempt to fill a void or replace my husband but at the same time there is a void and an emptiness that can't be filled, only understood. I just want someone who understands loss and is still interested in me and wants to spend time with me.

I went on a date yesterday with someone new. I was excited about going on the date.  I don't know if it's because we share the same cultural background and that made me feel more comfortable or if it's because  I had already gone on a few dates so I was more comfortable. Either way I went into the date feeling excited and confident. I was still a little nervous, not knowing what he would be like in person, his personality, etc. but things actually went really well. We met at a restaurant and had dinner and the conversation flowed easily. I was able to joke and laugh and be myself and he seemed as if he was comfortable and being himself as well. He was funny without trying too hard. He was a gentleman. He was attentive and interested in getting to know me and my story. He complemented me, which was nice. He seemed as if he was into me which was nice because I would like to know more about him. We hit it off and I left the date feeling optimistic and excited and on a high.

Today, however, I came crashing down. I realize that I am good with going on dates.  I am good at going on dates. I'm personable, kind of funny, a little outgoing, and I'm good company. I'm good AT going on dates.  And I'm good at being a wife. It's the in between area that I'm finding that I struggle with. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to start over from square one  and not let my heart run ahead. I don't know how to just chill and let things happen without wondering about where the relationship or friendship is going. I'm a good wife and considering the fact that I'm not married anymore and I'm not sure that I want to remarry, I'd be a good girlfriend.  I'm good with that, being a good girlfriend, but getting from point A to point B is hard for me. It's hard for me to not be ALL IN. I usually have a pretty good sense about people, pretty good judgment of character and  motives, and I trust my gut. So if I agree to a date it's because I saw something,  potential, and weeded out the rest of Bozos. So if things go well I find myself wanting to run ahead, go at warp speed, and be ALL IN. I have to remind myself that I'm starting over from the beginning. I'm not used to being at the beginning.

So during my lows, when I'm questioning motives and my actions (Does he like me? Should I text/call? Will he think I'm too pushy? If I don't will he think I'm not interested? on and on and on), I have to center myself. Since I find my center in Christ I read my Christian dating/waiting book (Lady in Waiting) and then turn on my Christian music and do some bible journaling. It helps me calm my anxious heart. I suck at waiting. I suck at being patient in this situation. I have the patience of Job but when it comes to relationships I suck at being patient. It's hard to be patient and be grateful for the baby steps when you once had it all. But I will do my best.

Lord thank you for your grace and the peace and comfort you bring to steady my heart. Help me to seek you in the stillness and be with you while I'm waiting because you are in the waiting season with me. I am not alone. I pray that you will bring a good man into my life and that I will be ready for him when you send him to me. Until then I pray that you will help me guard my heart during the dating highs and calm my anxious heart during the dating lows. Bless us, forgive us, and protect us all and be with the soldiers, the sick, the poor, & the hungry. I pray all this in Christ's name. Amen.