Cardinal Sightings, Finally!

When Mark passed I felt it. I knew before I actually KNEW he was gone. The night of the accident I was on my way to him. Although I didn't exactly know where he was, I knew which way he was traveling so I traveled the same road looking for him. Around 10:20 my heart hurt and I felt this overwhelming wave of nausea for no reason. I had a pain in my heart and the pit of my stomach and I knew something was wrong even though I was 15 miles away. By the time I got to him he was already gone. His time of death...10:22. I honestly believe that our hearts were so intertwined that I literally felt his soul leave mine when he left this earth.

With a love like that I thought he'd never truly leave me but the fact of the matter is, he did. He fell asleep in this world (quite literally) and woke up in the next and I was the last thing on his mind. I didn't feel his presence during my darkest days and that was like a slap in the face. I felt deserted. Abandoned. It was horrible.  The one who never left me was God. We're on a new level now. We've taken our relationship to the next level. He's Poppa God now. I felt Him so close, could see his hand in everything, yet couldn't feel Mark at all. I had to learn to get on without him while not letting his memory die. It's been a journey, and that's an understatement.

I've felt it all and continue to endure it all. I'm running the race with endurance. I finally feel like I'm back to myself and I'm stronger than I've ever been. I feel ready to put myself out there and date, be vulnerable, perhaps fall in love again. Mark knew my heart. We had talks late at night about what would happen if either of us died. We talked about going on, living life, finding love again. He was my best friend. We talked about everything. When my classmate, Officer Bobby Hornsby, died I took it really hard. I grieved so hard for his wife and kids and just held him tight at night and told him how much I would miss him if he ever died on me. That was when we had one of those talks. I'm so glad we did. He loved me and although he gave me hell and said he'd haunt me if I moved on, he would then love on me and tell me he was only kidding and he'd want me to be happy and be loved again. He didn't want me alone, unprotected, miserable.

So here I am. It's been 7 months and I feel like me again. My faith has propelled me through this, one painstaking step at a time but at a pace that I could never have imagined because I never took my eyes off Jesus. He was like the white racing bunny that the race horses chase after, quickly leading the way through it all. Never would I have thought that I'd go back to work 2 weeks after losing my husband. Or that I'd celebrate our first holidays without him in grand fashion, even if there were lots of tears. Or that 7 months after losing him I'd be dating. But I am and I feel at peace with it. I'm not rushing or pushing things down. I'm moving forward and living life. Mark started living his new life the moment he left this earth. It's time for me to do the same.

Last month I cried out to Poppa God to send me a helper. Someone to do this life with me, especially if I'm going to raise my son to be a good man or endure more hardships. I don't want to do it alone. I can if I have to, obviously I've proven that, but I don't want to. I want a partner. A friend. A helper. Another good role model for Bub. So I asked for it. The bible says ask and you shall receive. I asked.

Well I met someone at the end of June. We've gone on a couple dates this month and all is well. He's a good guy and we're getting to know each other. Last Sunday we went for a walk in the evening. In all the time since I lost Mark I have never seen a cardinal (people say cardinals are loved ones come to visit). As we started our walk I saw one. Then two. Then 3, 4, 5, 6, and by then we were deep in conversation and I stopped counting. I feel like he was there, all along my walk with this new guy, showing me that he's still watching over me and he approves. He's giving me the green light.

Who knows what will come of this, only time will tell, but he knows I lost Mark and is understanding so that is already a plus. He seems genuine so I'm not holding back. I'm talking to Mark and Poppa God in prayer and following where I feel led and seeing where this might lead. It could be a dead-end road or he could be the one sent for me. We shall see. I'm not putting too much thought into the future, I'm just enjoying today. Life is short, I know this too well now. If it works out, it works out and that's great. But if it doesn't and I get my heart broken it won't be half as bad as the heartbreak I've already endured so what have I got to lose?

So here we go! Wish me luck and always watch over me, my love. I love you BIG! Not moving on, moving forward & learning to live again. Love to you all! Stay posted.

An Open Prayer Box

My prayer box has been coming open for the last few days. It's never come open before. I bought it in March after Mark passed and intended on filling it with some of his ashes and making a trip to cowboys stadium to sprinkle them on the star. I still need to do that. In the meantime I've been wearing it on my charm bracelet. I've sent up lots of prayers since Mark moved to heaven. I've prayed for strength, endurance, wisdom, discernment, and patience. Most recently I prayed that God would send me a helper, another partner in this life who will be good to me and take care of me like Mark did, especially if I'm going to go through more hard times. I don't want to struggle alone. So that's been my latest prayer.

Since then a man has come into my life and shown interest and wants to get to know me better. I find myself getting excited to hear from him and I miss hearing from him when the day goes by and he hasn't texted. I don't want to pursue or be clingy so I'm letting things be and play out as they will. When I haven't heard from him all day I'll talk to God and say God if he's not the man for me, make it known to me and turn my attention elsewhere. But if he is make it known as well. Then my phone rings and there he is so I'm trusting and moving forward with caution.

Even though I'm being cautious I feel like I could easily fall for him and that scares me. I don't want to fall so fast that I fall flat on my face. I want to fall into arms that will catch me, like the trust game. I don't know his intentions. I get the feeling he is ready for this but how do I know for sure. How do I know he's not a player, philandering around instead of being happy with what he's got? How do I know he's not a liar, a cheater, or a wife beater? Only time will tell. I just pray I don't get hurt. I've been hurt enough already.

My prayer box has been popping open lately. Are my prayers getting answered? Is this God's hand at work again? Or is it just coincidence? Only time will tell. We shall see.

Life After Death

There is life after death... for the deceased and those left behind. Mark went on to be with Jesus and I was left behind. In those first days and months I didn't think it would be possible for me to truly live again. He was my world! Y'all know how much I love him and how devastated I was. It was the most horrible thing I've ever been through. But as time has gone on I've found myself getting stronger and stronger.

My love for my husband is not fading, it's like it's frozen in time, but I'm finding myself again. I had lost myself in love and got comfortable, lax. Now I'm losing myself in life. I'm doing the things I used to love to do and exploring new things too. I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus and coming through the storm and today I feel like I'm walking on water! It's amazing how He can bring you through even the worst of things and bring something beautiful from it. The beauty is in the testimony... there is life after death. Embrace it. Choose joy.

Today I did just that. I went on a date! Like a real date. I haven't gone on a date... ever!

I "dated" my ex in high school for 5 years and wanted to marry him but we went our separate ways. And we didn't go on dates, we were too young. We coupled up.

I met Bub' s dad and hung out with him at the pool and his apartment and softball games with him for a month and then got engaged! We were married a year later. We never went on dates we just hung out and coupled up.

I divorced him and went on one date with Mark (an old friend) and never stopped dating him. We were married within 6 months and stayed married for 8 years until he moved to Heaven. We never stopped dating. When we didn't have the kids we spent time on us and went out and had fun together. So we dated but there was comfort in that he was my husband, not a complete stranger.

This was a date with a new guy. A random stranger. A step forward. I've been feeling more and more like myself with each new day. I've been getting stronger. I'm ready. Not for love or marriage by any means, my heart is still very much guarded after losing like I did, but I'm ready to meet people, have intellectual conversations, go and do stuff, and get out there.

I had my time with my hubby before going out and I held back tears as I told him I'd much rather he be here spending 4th of July with us as a family, popping fireworks with the kids and grilling all weekend. But he's not, he's in glorious Heaven and I'm here and it is what it is so I'm going to make the best of it. I told him I love him, always, and asked him to please protect me and prayed that my date wouldn't be a jerk. I gave his urn a kiss and headed out the door with my big girl pants on.

My date was a gentleman and we got along well for being total strangers. I'm so glad that's over but I'm also glad I didn't make a fool of myself... or cry. So we'll see what happens. I'm not pursuing. I'm focusing on my growth, my relationship with God, my kid, my life, and if something happens over time then so be it. And if it doesn't, vaya con Dios! I'm learning to live again. I'm learning that you can always love the one you lost and still move forward. Time stops for no one, make the most of this life because you only get one chance at it.

You can love and lean in, embrace life. Lean into it. Lean forward. Move forward. "If you're going to feel AT ALL you have to feel IT ALL." There is life after death. THANK GOD!

The Good Wife

I was a good wife. I was his best friend. I was his confidant, his wise counsel, his encourager. I prayed for him daily, sometimes multiple times a day depending on what we were going through. I was praying for him the night he passed. I was a good wife.

I lifted him up, led him, tried to protect him. I spoke truth in love to him even though he didn't always want to hear it. I was his helper. I helped him raise his daughter. I helped him relate to his mother. I helped him pursue better opportunities career wise. I was a good wife.

Marriage is a process of sanctification. God uses your spouse to stretch you and mold you and teach you about yourself, each other, and bring you closer to Him. It's the most trying and beautiful experience, aside from purposeful parenting. It's what I always strived to do, to honor God and honor my husband through the ups and downs.

I wasn't perfect. No one is. I failed him a time or two. I hurt him, made him cry, brought him to his knees... we both did. We came to the brink, on the verge of divorce, but we found our strength in the Lord and held onto each other and pushed and pulled our way through it.

When I lost my focus and strayed from my faith he picked me up and brought me back to the Lord. He helped me find myself again. He loved me like Jesus and I will never forget that. I spent my time trying to be a good wife to him.

This is what I was made for... to be a good mother and wife. To minister to my family and lead them to Christ. To train up my son to be a humble, honest, wise man of God who will eventually be a good husband and father. To minister to my husband and lead him to have a deeper relationship with the Lord. To show grace and love and forgiveness to my family.

My biggest mission, more important than my work or other relationships, was this mission. I want God to look at me when my day comes and say, "Good job, good and faithful one." I tried. Everyday I tried. Some days were harder than others but I never lost hope. I never gave up on him. I was a good wife.

Now I'm a widow. I have a lot to offer and I feel like I'm wasting it away now. I still minister to my son and pour myself into my work and kiddos with special needs. I pour myself into other women at church. I pour myself into my church, volunteering as often as I can. But my calling to be a good wife is... gone? I was a good wife! How do you go from being a wife to being alone? I used to belong to someone. He cherished me, valued me, respected me. And it was mutual. He was mine and I was his and now I'm no one's. My heart longs to love and be loved. Not to replace him or because I can't be alone, but because I am a good wife! It's what I was called to do. At least that's how I feel.

I was called to be a good wife and a good mother and to minister to those with special needs. I'm fulfilling my calling in every other aspect except for this one area now and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to wait but I'm forced to.

My prayers over time have changed. During our marriage I prayed for my husband: for his health, his job demands, his character, his decisions, his battles with his demons, his ability to be a good husband & father, his safety, his soul. The night he passed (before I knew for sure) I prayed for him to either be okay or be taken quickly and without suffering. I prayed for God to have mercy on him. I prayed for his soul. I prayed for his journey home. Then I've been praying for myself and the kids: for strength for this new journey, for peace & comfort, for wisdom and guidance with all the decisions, for forgiveness for all the ugliness that grief brings out of people. God has answered my prayers time and time again and has done it in a way that is visible, palpable to me so I can discern His hand in everything.

Now I pray for patience. I'm fine on my own. I'm busy with work, I find joy each day, I have great friends and family to hang out with, I love my job and my kiddos  (clients), I'm a great mom, I pay my own bills and support myself and my son with my head held high. I don't NEED a man in a codependent, I'm lonely and trying to fill the void kind of way. If he's not a good man I'm better off without him and I have no problem waiting... but then again I do. I've never been a patient person, especially in a case like this where I went from being a good wife to being no one's helper overnight.

So I pray for patience and I pray for God to send me a good, Godly man who understands grief and loss. A man who won't be intimidated by my love for my husband but will be inspired by it. A man who will lift me up and be my helper like I will be to him. The way Mark and I were together. I'm not trying to recreate things or replace him. No one can replace him, ever. I just want a helper and to be a helper to a good man. I want to fulfill this ministry again. I'm horrible at waiting. I want to be a good wife again someday. Because I already was. I was a good wife.

Let It Be

What a weekend. I stayed so busy with my brother, who I don't see but 2 or 3 times a year, that I didn't have much time to think, or sulk, or wallow in my grief. I had my brother and my parents who were spoiling me, and him, because they were so proud and happy to have us all together. I let myself enjoy the moments, soak in the sun, and feel joy. I let myself escape my life and vacation like a rockstar.

Mark was on my mind every day. I remembered our trips to Chicago and smiled. I missed him and cried in the shower. And I felt like with every step I took, with every new memory I made, I was getting farther away from US and that made me sad but I held it all in. No one likes a killjoy on vacation. I got home late last night, put his urn in bed with me, snuggled up to his pillow, and bawled like a baby, like I could finally let it all out.

Today was his birthday so of course I cried this morning before church, bawled like a baby throughout church, and I'm bawling again now that the day has wound down. I put one foot in front of the other and get through the days, I take it all in and try not to take away from experiences, I try to find and feel joy every day, but the reality of it is sometimes it's harder than others. Evenings and nights are worse than days. Weekends alone are worse than weekends with the kids. Weeks suck because I have to push through work and push my brain to get out of the grief fog that I live in these days. Weekends suck because there's so much unstructured time. I look forward to Fridays because it's the end of the work week, but I hate Fridays because that's when he passed. I'm up and then down and I don't know which way I'm  going most of the time. It's been 5 months and it's getting harder instead of easier.

I miss my life. I miss my happiness that I didn't have to work so hard for. I miss my optimism. You know what I thought about this weekend? Death. Dying. Wills. What if the plane wrecks on landing? That's usually when it happens, you know. What if the uber driver gets in a wreck? Do I want a DNR? DNI? I need to write a will. What if there's a terroristic attack? What if a bird flies into the plane engine and we go down? LET IT BE. Don't worry, I'm not suicidal, I'm just not scared. And I miss my husband something serious. And if it means I get to go home to glory and be with him again then that's fine by me so just let it be.

I hate that he's gone. I hate that he left me! I hate that he broke me, broke my heart into a million pieces and broke my spirit. I hate that he took a good portion of my heart with him when he went and what's left behind is worthless. I hate that I feel like a toddler learning how to do life all over again and I'm 35. I hate that I'm 35 and feel like I'm at least...59. Yup, I feel 59.

I hate this. But it is what it is. It's lonely and ugly and up and down and hopeless and exhausting 95% of the time! But it is what it is so let it be. Whatever will be, will be I suppose.

Wait to Move

I keep mulling this over in my head over and over, trying to explain it but I can't, other than to say it's from God. It's too coincidental.

I've gotten things in order since Mark passed. All the loose ends are finally tied up and everything is solely in my name now. It's a relief to have it all done but then again it's sad and lonely. The last decision to be made is whether I stay in my house or move. We were renting but we wanted to buy within the next year or so. I've thought about moving forward with plans to buy so that I'm not wasting money on rent, but then again I think I should stay.

If I buy, it's mine. I can buy something quaint and do updates and upgrades to it and maybe make money on it. But then again, it will be mine, meaning if something happens it's on my shoulders and no one else's, financially. It's nice to have a maintenance man on call and the landlord foots the bill for major repairs. And then I think, what if I buy and then meet someone in the next few years and he has a house too...what would I do with mine? Or what if he doesn't but he has kids and my house is too small? Or what if I buy and don't meet anyone and want to move in 5 years when Issac leaves home? I don't know what to do! So, just like I've always done, when I don't know what to do I turn to God.

I prayed about it last Friday on the way home from work. I prayed out loud and asked God what to do. I told him I was going to wait and listen for him to show me, through signs or through people, and tell me what to do. I said point blank, tell me what to do, sign another year lease or go month to month and try to buy. You've never steered me wrong so I'll wait on you.

Sunday I was serving at church and got to talking with a girlfriend of mine, talking about furniture and jewelry, just making small talk. I complimented her earrings and she said the pastor's wife made them and that she's really crafty, she even refinishes furniture. She told me her name and I kept thinking, 'hmm that sounds really familiar' but I'm new to the church so I don't know too many people yet. And then it hit me. The pastor and his wife lived in my house last year, right before we moved in!

I've told people if I could LIVE at church right now I would. I want to be so close to God I'm rubbing shoulders with him if I can. Since I can't, I want to rub shoulders with those that have more faith than I do. I want to surround myself with the word and other believers to help me through this. All this time I've been living here in the very house they lived in. These walls have heard so many prayers, hosted so many believers, and the holy spirit has been in this place. To me, us coming to live here, following in their footsteps without knowing, walking where they have walked, is another way that God is protecting us. Like we're under his arm, right next to his heart, like a good father would protect his child from torrential rain.

I know they're human and broken and they have baggage and sin too but they've also got serious faith and are obviously called to a higher purpose and that's what I admire. And with that kind of faith I know God has been and continues to be in this place. So I don't have to live at the church, the church lived here and now I do too. If that's not God telling me to stay I don't know what is. He's saying, "Stay and rest a while, I've got you. You can feel me, I'm with you here, we'll figure out the rest later. I've got great plans for you."

So I'm staying for another year. Then I'll see what he wants me to do, where he wants me to go from there. How cool is that!?! Ask and you shall receive, you just gotta learn to wait and listen.

A Typical Saturday

Today was a typical Saturday. It almost felt like a normal Saturday, the kind of Saturday that existed before my D day. I slept in a little and then got up and started cleaning house. One thing led to another and I ended up reorganizing closets and cleaning out the car. I got a lot accomplished today. I ended the day vegging out on the couch watching tv and eating a blizzard. I got in bed around 10 pm after a hard day of cleaning and moving furniture. So feel me why I can't sleep. I'll tell you why...

It felt like a typical Saturday. The kind that existed before D day. It felt like Mark was working and then hanging out with friends while I stayed home and did my thing around the house. And now as I lie in bed without him it feels like he's going to come walking though the door any minute. Or he'll call me and say he's okay and he'll be home in a bit. But I know that's not the case.

My heart is playing tricks on me. It starts to float just a bit and then comes crashing down again like some cruel joke. The joke's on me I guess. He's not coming back. I never could sleep until he got home. I worried all the time until he was safe and sound and snoring loudly in our bed. I feel like I'm still waiting up for him! Damnit! Make it stop!