What does that mean? For the longest time I thought it meant be still in action. I couldn't understand how one was supposed to stop pursuing dreams or asking God for what they wanted. How could you just be satisfied with things as they are without wanting more or working for more? How could you be still?? And what's with the last part of the verse "... and know that I am God." I know who you are God, what does being still have to do with it? I never quite understood that verse... until now.
Being still isn't a state of being it's a state of mind. It's a stillness of spirit, a peacefulness within, the assurance inside that tells you everything will be okay and will work out because God is in control. That's what the last part means. "Know that I am God" and I can handle all things and do all things and work all things for your good.'
I finally feel at peace and a gentle stillness inside. Although I'm not still in action I'm still in spirit and I'm confident and sure of myself again. Last year was hard and I got the rug ripped out from under me in an instant. I lost my footing and lost my confidence but it has slowly come back over time and is now rooted in Christ so it's gentle yet firm, not a flaky confidence that crumbles easily.
I know what I want. I also know what I had and I'll always cherish that. And if I never have that again I'm fine with that now. But that is what I want. I want to have love like that again, or something like it. So in this season of waiting I will be still in spirit and know that God will provide.
But I won't be still in action. I have plans for this new year. My list of goals for 2018 are...
1) Decide on getting a second master's or not
2) Join a volunteer organization in my community
3) Finish my CEUs
4) Finish writing my book
5) Lose 20 lbs (to start)
6) Buy a house
7) Mark's Star trip
8) Dance again!
9) Stomp grapes
10) Go skydiving (iFly first)
11) Play tennis more
12) Go camping
13) Bourbon trail girls trip
14) Disney world
15) Host more game/karaoke nights
16) Get a tattoo
17) Decorate Mark's bar on the patio
18) Finish my 2017 photo books
19) Buy my own kayak
20) Ride a bike again
I used to not be able to sleep without you here in bed with me. I would wait up for you to come home. I always worried about you... If you were okay. If you were safe. If you were coming home. I couldn't sleep. If only I could sleep.
I always tried to wait for you but the hours would tick by. I would fall asleep but never for long. I'd wake, stretch my arm to reach for you, Check your side of the bed. Check the time. Check my phone. I couldn't sleep. If only I could sleep.
I never could really sleep without you here in bed with me. But I've learned how to live... With an empty bed, And an empty house. And empty arms.
Now I don't have to worry about where you are. I don't have to worry if you're safe. I don't have to wait up or worry if you're coming home. I know you're not.
I can sleep peacefully because I know... You are already home. And you're safe. And you're in good hands.
We're going on a year since Mark moved to heaven. What a difference a year makes! I don't know who came up with the notion that a year is adequate time to grieve, there's no time limit or order to processing grief, but there is something to it. I can say I'm doing a lot better than I was 9, 6, even 3 months ago.
There's something about coming up to the year anniversary that shifts things a little. The sting of it is not as strong. The hole in my heart is still there and the loneliness is still there but it's not as crippling. I don't feel suffocated by my grief like I used to. I'm learning to live again, learning to live with the vacancy left by my sweet husband. I'm settling in to my solitude and leaning in to my calling.
When Mark passed I remember making the choice to be the light. It was in those initial days after his passing, before the funeral. I was heartbroken in the worst way. I couldn't breathe, couldn't function, I just kept cursing and drinking to numb the pain. Just recalling that night brings me to tears. It was horrible. But in those initial gut- wrenching moments I felt a tiny sense of peace and the calling to "be a lighthouse" to others in a storm. I responded. I chose to be obedient. I chose to be the light.
Everything I post on social media is purposeful. I didn't over-share because I have no filter. I share because I'm being transparent, because I'm being a lighthouse for those that come behind me. I heard the call and I answered and I hope that I've helped at least one person deal with grief or life's troubles, or treasure life maybe a little bit more than they used to.
We, as a society, don't know how to deal with loss or delayed gratification, and we definitely don't know how to deal with grief. We are so used to having it all, or at least having the ability to get it. We don't like when things are taken from us. We don't like to lose. We give every kid on the team a trophy because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We shield our kids from death and dying because it's sad and sometimes not pretty. We shield them because it hurts deeply and that's scary. So we, as kids, grow up to fear death and when it happens to us we don't know how to deal with it. We've never HAD to. We've never been taught. In other countries they know heartache. They don't have access to medical care or basic essentials like we do and they fall ill and die, or in some countries are murdered, so death is a way of life. They accept it and deal with it and move forward. They honor the dead. We hide from it. We mask it with pills or drugs or alcohol or sex or any other "poison." We don't process and grieve in a healthy way.
I was called to be the light, to be a lighthouse in the storm. In my own pain I surrendered to God and my calling and shared my journey every step of the way. I don't know what's next for me. I feel a strong pulling at my heart to give more of myself to His work. I don't know if that will be stepping out in leadership at church, or writing a book, or speaking publicly. I don't know what that looks like, I'm still waiting on leadership from God to know where to step next, I just know it's happening.
I've felt the calling slowly over the years and then all at once. I've grown in my faith exponentially this past year. But it didn't all happen in one year. When I look back at memories or Facebook posts or think back I am reminded of prayers that I wrote down or dreams that I had that now seem more prophetic in nature than random dreams. Like the dream I had in 2013 (?) when I raised my hands in worship and was being pulled up to heaven. Or the prayer I prayed for God to help me lead and teach others and give me a platform and the words to say (I prayed and posted this prayer back in 2013). Or the blog posts I wrote in years past. All of these things seem to be part of a bigger plan or quilt that's slowly coming together. It's beginning to make more sense.
I'm still on my journey. I still miss my husband deeply but I feel more at peace now. God gave me peace and faith the size of a mustard seed at first but it's grown and is still growing. I'm learning to walk faithfully, not frantically. I'm lonely but not desperate. I'm brokenhearted but not crushed. I'm learning how to be still but moving forward. I'm learning that being still is not NOT moving. It's a stillness of spirit, not action. It's a peace and stillness from within. I'm settling into my singleness and my purpose. Who knows what the future holds; look how much changed in one year! We shall see. I'll continue to go where I'm led. He's never steered me wrong.
"I'm in awe that You would come to me
In awe that I could hear You speak.
Speak to me. I'm listening."~ Speak To Me by Kari Jobe
I’m broken now. I wasn’t before but when my world cracked and shifted like the tectonic plates below the surface of an earthquake something in me shifted too. I miss my husband something fierce and I long for the day when I can go home to heaven and be with him again. I’m secretly jealous of those that pass before me, especially when I know they’ll be reunited with their husband/wife in heaven. How beautiful that must be to run into their arms again and be led to the feet of our Savior together! I can only imagine. I’m homesick.
I’m homesick in the kind of way that a kid is at summer camp. They have fun during the day and enjoy the experience and make memories but they long to be home with their loved ones. They have trouble sleeping at night when everything gets quiet and still and they realize how small they are in the world, how alone they feel. They’re surrounded by other campers, kids their age, but they still feel so alone. That’s when they start to cry and want to call home, if not GO home.
I’m THAT kid at summer camp. I’m to the point in my journey that I’m experiencing life little by little again and I’m smiling and learning how to live again but when all the world is sleeping my mind races and my heart aches to be home in heaven with my hubby. I secretly wish I could just be done with this life already and get to go home too. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way or thinking that way. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, don’t call the suicide prevention hotline on me. I’m not taking steps for it to happen, I’m just fine with it if it does. Not that I have a choice in the matter, but you understand what I’m saying.
Losing someone close to you makes you face your own mortality and answer some hard questions. Are you ready to go today if He calls you home? My answer is Heck Yeah! Something I’m struggling with is taking measures to prolong life if something was to happen to me. If I got cancer or was in an accident... do I want to jump through hoops and go through the ringer or just live out my numbered days and accept God’s plan and go home if that’s the case? Do I sign a DNR? I want to, but then again I have a son, who will eventually grow up to have kids of his own, my grandkids. Do I want to miss that? Do I prolong life or prolong heaven??
I don’t want to prolong going to heaven. I want to go home! I’m so homesick. I wonder if those that go before us can relay messages to our loved ones in heaven, like a phone call from summer camp? Mark’s Grandma just passed. I wonder if he was there to greet her along with his grandpa, her husband, who passed a long time ago. I wonder if she heard me whisper in her ear to give my Marky a hug and a kiss for me and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I wonder if he got the message. Who knows!?! All I know is they’re there and I’m not yet and that makes me a little jealous. God forgive me for being jealous or envious. I’m just broken now, maybe I’m becoming a little jaded, and I want to go home. “I’ve never been more homesick than now.”
I debated whether or not to decorate the house for the holidays this year. It’s so hard going on with things and celebrating when my heart is still broken and a big piece of our lives is missing. But I decided to decorate, even if it is low-key, because I am still here, living, breathing, and serving others and that’s worth something. So I started thinking of all the things I’m thankful for and I made a list.
I’m thankful that I got the chance to love, really love, & be loved like I did.
I’m thankful that I had a husband that helped me show my son how to be a good man.
I’m thankful that I was able to experience God’s love and mercy and forgiveness in my husband’s arms, in a tangible way.
I’m thankful that he let me love him & lead him through this life and that he loved me until he left this earth.
I’m thankful that God has been with me through it all, before, during, and after. He’s been my protector and provider and has made His presence known so that I have peace in a very difficult time.
I’m thankful for my friends and family, my tribe, who have been there for me in more ways than I can mention.
I’m thankful for the people who have been constants in my life and have always been my safe place to land.
I’m thankful for God’s provision and for blessing me with the ability to pass my licensing boards this time last year. It’s allowed me to provide for my son and I and not have to make any lifestyle changes after losing Mark. We’ve had to change so much already.
I’m thankful for my work family. They’ve prayed over me, prayed with me, prayed for me, hugged me, heard me, made me laugh, supported me, and given me purpose.
I’m thankful for Tindell, my boss. Words can’t say enough about this woman. She has a heart of gold and gives unselfishly and is superwoman! I look up to her so much and am so thankful she brought me into the family.
I’m thankful for my parents who are always there, no more than a phone call away. I gave ‘em hell growing up but they never gave up on me. They’ve always supported me, loved me, pushed me, praised me, and made me the woman I am today. I don’t know what I would do without them.
I’m thankful for my sweet son. He’s such a good boy and doesn’t give me any problems (for the most part). He’s a teenager but he’s the most affectionate, wise, considerate 13 year old I know. He’s been through a lot and is still getting his bearings and learning how to be a man without a man in the house to look up to, but he’ll get it. We’ll figure it out and come out on the other side of this stronger and smarter.
I’m thankful for my church family, both in Mansfield @ TCAL and here @.Vista. They’ve done a great job of preaching and teaching and being a place of comfort and strength. I spend time in the prayer room often and find peace there, sitting at the foot of the cross.
I’m thankful for my GriefShare group and “feather friends,” others who have lost a loved one and suffer with me. We’re like birds of a feather, we flock together. They get me. We get each other.
I’m thankful for my ministry. I prayed a few years ago that God would lead me to be a good teacher to others and give me the words and the platform to lead others to Christ. He did. Although it’s not exactly the way I wanted things to go, I’m accepting my mission and bringing God the glory through it all. Where you go, I go. Lead the way Lord. Lead me to lead them.
I’m thankful for my gifts. I’ve been told I have the gift of being a good writer.and speaker and that my story and testimony have touched others. Thank you God for allowing me to use my gifts to do your work. I pray that you make clear to me what you want me to do next.
I’m thankful that I’m learning to live again. I’m thankful that I can dance without crying and talk about my sweet husband with a smile on my face now.
I’m thankful that I’m able to breathe again. I used to feel like I was drowning, always coming up gasping for air, but these days I feel like I’m either swimming or walking on water. There are days that I take my eyes of Jesus and I start to sink and drown again but He reaches out his hand and pulls me back up again and I’m able to catch my breath again. Thank God I can breathe!
I’m thankful for my kiddos (clients). They give me purpose and bring me joy. They’re the reason I survived after losing Mark. They didn’t know what was going on but they saw me sad and gave me hugs, brought me stuffed animals, and just sat with me quietly. It was the sweetest thing. I love my kiddos!
I’m thankful that I’ve figured out the meaning of life and I still have more than half my life left to live. Notice I haven’t said I’m thankful for my house or car or material things. It’s because none of that matters! What matters is how you treat people and how you live, how you serve, WHO you serve. I used to want the car, the kids, the house with the white picket fence. Well my life didn’t go that way. I got divorced after a turmoltuous first marriage, married Mark & then he got laid off when the plant shut down. We struggled with infertility, and financially, and couldn’t buy the house of my dreams. I was spinning my wheel like a hamster in a cage. It’s exhausting when you’re living outside of your means and aren’t satisfied with what you have or where you are in life. Mark taught me how to LIVE and over the course of our marriage I learned how to trust and let go and enjoy life, though I never could let go as much as he did. So I’m thankful for what he taught me and for gaining perspective & wisdom at such a young age so I don’t have to keep running the rat race. I can enjoy life, which is a blessing.
I’m thankful that the hard times have taught me more about myself and strengthened my relationship with God. I’ve seen Him more clearly and I’m not sure that would’ve happened if I was living high on the hill, blissfully unaware. So as much as it hurts and as hard as it is, I’m thankful that I’m making my way through it, even if I am walking through mud sometimes.
Finally, I’m thankful for new beginnings. I get the chance to begin again each morning. Most days are exhausting and tears are shed on a daily basis but I close my eyes at night and get to wake up to a fresh start each morning. Maybe one day it won’t hurt so bad. Maybe someday love will find me again and I’ll start my new beginning with another great love. Who knows? For now I’ll just be thankful for the new beginnings brought on by each sunrise.
So even though it hurts like hell there’s always something to be thankful for.
Before I started dating in July I talked to my husband in heaven and I prayed to God to help me guard my already broken and fragile heart. I asked that He would send me a man who was a good man, one with good qualities, someone who would run this race alongside me with endurance. Since then He’s made good on His promise to protect me.
I dated a guy for a month and when I was at the point of wrapping my mind around making it to 1st base (I hadn’t even allowed that at first) he lost interest and moved on. Then there was J. We had a good connection and a lot in common. We actually kissed a few times and there were butterflies and I started to look forward to his calls and texts. And then one day he said, “it’s not you, it’s me,” and he disappeared. I took it as another crisis averted, although that one stung a little. Since then I’ve tried to find peace and wholeness in myself and in God and if I’m asked out on a date then I’ll go but I’m not actively seeking it out or stressing about being alone... as much.
Well He did it again. I wasn’t seeking anything out. I’ve been talking to someone and we had planned to go out tonight. I really enjoy his company and our conversations and my mind began to think there might be something more to this. It might be a road worth going down. But then something came up and he had to cancel. I could look at it as a coincidence, just an unfortunate inconvenience, but I’m thinking God is protecting me yet again. I’ve seen the red flags with all of them but I choose to see the best in people and give the benefit of the doubt and I’ve ignored the red flags. Maybe God knows my weakness and He knows I’m not strong enough to call it quits once we start dating so He’s removing them from my path before I get in too deep. He knows I’m lonely and may not have the best judgement right now so He’s helping me out.
At least that’s what I choose to believe. Ask and it shall be granted. I prayed and trusted that He would supply all my needs and He would protect me and He is. Sometimes things don’t work out but it all all being woven together and worked for my good. It’s all good.
Last week’s sermon was on forgiveness. We read the book of Philemon and learned about God’s grace and forgiveness and our duty as Christians to forgive. We know this, right? Well the action step for us last week was to seek forgiveness from others. I’ve done a pretty good job of that along the course of my life. I even asked my ex for forgiveness a year AFTER we divorced, when I was finally ready. The only person I felt I needed forgiveness from is no longer here to forgive me. So I prayed about it and I talked to friends and decided to write my Mark a letter, seeking his forgiveness. It’s stuff I already talked to him about during those first days and months after his passing. I’ve asked for his forgiveness over and over since January 6th but I keep asking. Maybe it’s me who needs to forgive myself. OOH REVELATION!!!
Anyway this week’s sermon was on forgiving others. I knew this sermon was coming so I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what would be asked of me. As a Christian I know what I’m supposed to do, but as a person, a woman who lost her husband to drinking and driving, I wasn’t prepared to forgive yet. Immediately after the accident, within the first two or three days, I reached out to his friends that he was with him that night and told them it wasn’t their fault and that he wouldn’t want them to blame themselves. I said all this, and I meant it, but I didn’t realize at the time that I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, on his behalf basically.
After the funeral I felt myself becoming more angry with them. They were his best friends, they were supposed to look out for him. I felt like they influenced him in a negative way and they didn’t support his growth, our marriage, or me as his wife who only wanted the best for him. I was always made into the bad guy, the nagging wife, the ball and chain, trying to act like his mama or rain on his parade. Over the years they called me names, said I was stuck up for not wanting to be a part of that scene, said I was trying to change him. Maybe I was in a sense. I was trying to help him change the bad parts and grow into the best version of himself, the man I always knew he could be.
I have been harboring bitterness and unforgiveness towards them since the accident. Not once have they reached out to me, no text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook texts or messages. They haven’t stopped by to check on us or to see him, his urn, his memorial. I will admit that I unfriended them on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see their lives going on when mine had been ruined, the love of my life so quickly and drastically taken away. It was too hard and I was bitter. Over the course of this year I have felt myself working through all the emotions associated with grief and loss. I’m processing everything and learning how to live again. I’m learning how to let go of regret, all the shoulda, coulda, woulda‘s from that night. I feel myself getting closer to being able to forgive them.
So after the sermon this week I met with the pastor and asked, “How do I know when I’m there? How do I know when I’m ready to actually say the words to them, I forgive you.” I’m past the anger stage and the bitterness stage, and I don’t wish anything bad on them nor do I want to seek revenge. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I pray for them. But does that mean I’m ready to forgive them? And if so, how do I do that? What do I say? What does that mean as far as a relationship goes? Do we have to be friends? My pastor said that my obligation as a Christian who has been forgiven is to forgive those who have sinned against me and to seek reconciliation but it’s okay to have boundaries. He said that I should just pray about it and ask God to make it clear to me what I am to do. He challenged me to pray for them every day this week.
This morning as I was on my way to work I was talking to God, like I normally do. I prayed for them this morning and then I asked God how I was supposed to make this happen. How can I forgive them after they encouraged him and directly caused his excessive drinking that night which caused the accident? I know he was a grown man, no one had to force him to drink, he did it to himself, but he was a social drinker. He was the life of the party and everybody loved “Good Time Mark.” Nobody stood in his way over the years. Nobody told him enough was enough. Nobody reminded him that he had a good thing at home and he needed to go home instead of the bar. I asked God “How can I fogive them when they were part of the problem?” And right then and there he put it on my heart. I heard him say, “How could they help him when they can’t even help themselves in that area? Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I remember Christ on the cross pleading to God to forgive those that were crucifying him, AS they were crucifying him. It was during this conversation with God this morning that I realized, they may have been part of the problem but they are battling the same demons that he was, caught in the same parterns. No wonder they never spoke truth to him, they don’t know it for themselves. But when you know better, you do better. So I acknowledged that I heard him loud and clear and said “OK Lord you’ve told me what I need to do, now lead me to do it and give me the words.”
I went about my day and rushed from work to my grief share meeting after work. I already completed the grief share program at the beginning of the year but I’m going through it a second time just because it helps. But because this is my second go-round, my attendance has been spotty. I’ve only gone to about three meetings. I am in a better place now and I don’t need it as much as I did during the initial weeks and months. I hadn’t been to a grief share meeting in the last three weeks but decided that today I was going to go. I walked in and wouldn’t you know the seminar was about forgiveness. Again, “OK Lord I hear you loud and clear.” So I’m certain I know what I need to do.
I came home and wrote a letter to Mark and asked for forgiveness for all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed him, especially that night. And then I forgave him for leaving me, for choosing his friends and the party lifestyle over me sometimes, for letting his demons control his behavior sometimes. I forgive him for everything because I love him. And then I told him what I would say to his friends, given the opportunity. I’m going to try to reach out to them. They may hang up on me or slam the door in my face, but I feel like they need to hear it from me that I forgive them and that I understand. I understand that they didn’t mean for it to happen and that if they could take it all back they would because they loved him too. I know how bad it hurts and how heavily guilt weighs on your shoulders. I know the burden that they’re bearing. I’m telling them to lay it down. I wish things could’ve been different but they’re not and they are not completely to blame and I realize that now. I recognize the struggles that they face: the same struggles he did, and now the struggle for peace, the struggle with guilt, the struggle for forgiveness. I see them, I feel their pain, I hear their hearts, & I forgive them.
If you’re reading this... I forgive you. Mark loved you and I love you. Don’t let him go in vain. When you know better, you do better. Do better. Live better. Love harder. Try harder. Do better. It’s all we can do, just try to do better every day and be obedient to our Father in Heaven. I’m trying and I hope you’ll accept my forgiveness and live free in the grace and peace that only comes from knowing Him and walking with Him. I’m free and I’m forgiven and now I forgive you.
I went on a date to the movies tonight... with myself. I never thought I'd go to dinner by myself or go to the movies by myself but I'm doing a lot more these days than I ever thought I could. I used to be so self-conscious about going places alone. I couldn't even go shopping alone when I was in my early 20s but then I grew up and gained confidence over the years. But dinner and a movie, that's different. Those are things you do with other people, typically. Not this girl. I'm transparent and share my story online but in reality I have a few close friends that I actually spend time with. Well tonight my friends had plans so it was just me. So I went to the movies alone.
Being alone gives you a lot of time to think. And I'm always in my head. I'm very self-aware. I think about my future. What will become of me? I have the capacity to love with my whole heart because that's how I am. I give everything at the risk of getting hurt because I feel like it's worth it. I can become invested in somebody that's real and wants ME. All of me. But therein lies the problem.
I'm not sure I'm the dating kind. I'm not the superficial, positive Patty all the time. If you know me you know I'm very positive and optimistic but I'm also REAL. I want the chance to be real with someone and not be judged for it and in the dating world being REAL equates to DRAMA. At least that's what I've gathered. They all want someone who's fun and enjoys traveling and doesn't have the baggage that I have. It's all so superficial!
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm generalizing and grouping all men together but that's how it seems. They want thin, athletic, beautiful, fun, happy-go-lucky women. I don't even know if it matters to have a brain or a career. I'm thinking personality trumps brains. I could be wrong. It's just the vibe I get.
Dating is daunting. I don't think I have what it takes. I'm a positive person but sometimes I'm not. I'm fun and I love doing things but I'm not athletic and toned and beautiful. I don't cross fit. I'm smart, kinda nerdy, a little socially awkward, sensitive, analytical, and emotional. Not in the short fuse kind of way but in the wear my heart on my sleeve kind of way. I don't eat organic and I indulge in the sweeter things like donuts and ice cream and chocolate. And I don't feel guilty one bit!
I am ME and once upon a time he loved me and I liked me. Now I feel like I'm too much. Either I'm too much or I'm not enough. I feel like I'm not enough for the confident, athletic, career types because they want freakin Barbie! And I'm not that. At all. I'm just me. And I want somebody who likes ME and wants to get to know me and spend time with me. I want someone who has the ability to love me, not this superficial crap.
I'm not sure the man I'm wanting is out there. Maybe I had that and I lost him. Maybe Mark was IT. Maybe I just need to get more comfortable with being alone. I guess practice makes perfect so I'll just keep practicing being alone. Maybe the sting of it will wear off over time and I'll become jaded and it won't hurt so much.
That's so sad. How do you not become jaded though? After going through what I have, how do you NOT lose heart and lose hope and lose that sense of innocence and romance? I don't know I don't want it to happen but I feel things starting to turn. I wish life was like a Nicholas Sparks novel and a new, compassionate love will find me right when I think all hope is lost and we fall in love and spend the rest of our lives together. Where's my Noah? But it's not and my story is still unfinished. The end is left unwritten and I just have to wait and see.
I've been documenting this year. The good, the bad, & the ugly. One day I'll look back at these pictures and posts and feel... strong? Empowered? Favored? I'm not really sure what I'll feel but I never want to forget the journey. I'll never forget the pain, that's for sure.
Today has been a rough day. I'm not exactly sure why. I felt great yesterday and this morning when I woke up I just felt... different. The lump in my throat was big. The weight on my shoulders, heavy. I showered to wash it off and go to work as normal but I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried to get breakfast, thinking maybe if I had something to eat and some coffee I'd feel better, but it was hard to swallow with the lump in my throat. I reached out to a friend and said, "I just need a hug," and the minute I hit send a coworker walked in and asked if she could give me a hug. What?!? I'm not making this up. She hugged me and said she just felt like I needed a hug. I broke down crying and she just held me and prayed over me.
How fast was that?! I needed a hug and I got one immediately after making my needs known. And they kept coming all day long. Multiple coworkers hugged me and held me and prayed over me as they could see I was having a hard day. My heart, though sad and broken open today, was so full! I laughed through the tears and in between crying spells. I left work at 2, so thankful to be going home early. Instead of going home I went to church to sit in the prayer room as I often do.
I've gone to the church prayer room many times. The only way in and out during the week is through the office. The office staff knows me because I frequently come and go. I wave when I'm coming in and they wave back from behind their desks and we usually exchange friendly niceties as I walk through the office to get to the prayer room. Every time it's no different. Until today. Today I walked through to office doors as usual but the office secretary met me in the foyer with open arms. She hugged me and I fell apart again and she just held me together as I fell to pieces again. How did she know? I wasn't crying. I had gotten it together while driving over there. Why did she come in the foyer to welcome me instead of being in her office as usual? How did she anticipate my needs before I walked in the door??
I held on tight and caught my breath and made my way to the prayer room. I sat at the foot of the cross and cried some more, and prayed, and listened to music, and read the Bible until I fell asleep for a few minutes. My alarm woke me and I needed to go pick up Bub from swim practice so I gathered my wits and my strength and headed back out into the world.
I don't know why things happen. I ask and ask and ask but as faithful as God is, He hasn't given me any answers. But He has been there for me though it all. He's proven yet again that he sees me and hears me and he's listening and meeting my needs. My faith was getting weak. I was getting tired again. Grief and mourning is exhausting. I had started questioning WHY. Why did He take him? Why did my husband get to live a fun and carefree life and get to go Home while I (the thinker, planner, devout one) am left here to run this marathon of a race alone? Why does he get to go home and I don't yet? I had started to get homesick and was saying things like, 'I just want to go Home. I don't want to be here anymore. Why didn't you take me?'
It's completely vulnerable and a little embarrassing to admit but it's the truth and I've always said I'd be transparent. This is me. This is grief. This is my life right now. There are good days and bad days. The good have started to outnumber the bad but the bad days still knock the wind out of me and leave my heart cut open. But thankfully, today, I had lots of hugs to hold me together. Thank you friends. Thank you God. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Love and hugs to you all.
It feels so good to serve. I'm giving my heart away, giving my time, giving my money to others in need. I've always had a heart for serving others and would serve at church service on Sunday's but that was the extent of my serving. We occasionally went to help out with the homeless ministry in inner-city Fort Worth but that was it. I was married. My obligation was to my husband and family. I worked a full time job and then had to go home to cook dinner, help with homework, cook and clean and be a wife and mom. I didn't have much time for serving others and we didn't have much money to give.
Since losing Mark I've felt the need to up my contributions. I realize how short and futile life is and I want to help as much as I can while I'm here. Rather than be all about myself and fall into the pity pot I've chosen to get out of my own head and think about other people. How can I help other people? How can I be a blessing?
Since January I've gotten back to tithing. I've given to the local food pantry, donated to the church missions, bought school supplies for kids in need during back to school, donated to Special Olympics, volunteered with our special needs baseball team, donated to breast cancer fight campaigns, sponsored a class at our private school, served in the tots room at church in the children's ministry, served as a greeter on Sundays, and now volunteering for hurricane Harvey victims. And it doesn't stop here. It's amazing how you can feel the love of Christ flow through you when you help other people. It brings joy to my heart and fills me up when my cup is empty.
It's true what they say.. when you feel broken and empty, don't look for what's missing and frantically seek to fill the void. Pour yourself out more and God will fill your cup. Yes you're broken. We all are in some way. Some of us have larger cracks in our jars of clay than others but the truth is, we're all broken. So let's be broken together. Let's come together to lift each other up and serve each other. Let's be broken and blessed and be a blessing to others despite our brokenness.
Because the irony is that the more you become a blessing to others, the less broken you feel and the more you heal.
It's true. I'm living proof. I'm living proof that you can have your feet knocked out from under you, the breath knocked out of you, your world shift and change dramatically overnight, and your heart ripped from your chest and STILL survive and thrive. Losing my husband was the worst thing I've ever been through. It still is. It was the hardest thing I'll ever do and learning to live without him is a journey for sure. But I'm doing it. I'm taking the next step and the next step and walking on with purpose and passion.
I love my husband and I loved being his wife but that's not my ministry anymore. Maybe God has other plans for me right now. Maybe I'm not supposed to move forward with anybody because He has me being his hands and feet down here for a while. Maybe I'm supposed to give myself away and serve others while I'm single and have more free time on my hands. Maybe one day someone else with a servant's heart will come alongside me and run the race with me. Maybe not. Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I trust that I'm in the right place at the right time. Thank you Jesus.
Today's sermon was about praying. The pastor likened prayer to surfing the raging swells of the sea. Through prayer God gives us the strength and wisdom that we need to ride the waves, not be taken under by them. OMG that is SO true! Mark's passing has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through and though I'm doing better there's not a day that goes by that I don't feel something related to him... sad about him not being here, or lonely, or angry about being alone and starting over, or scared, frustrated, discouraged. Every single day he is on my mind and in my heart but I know he's home, he's fine, it's me that struggles. The struggle is real, LOL.
I pray every day, all the time. I pray without ceasing. I never understood that verse. I thought 'How can you pray without ceasing. Who has time for that? How do you get anything else done?' I didn't realize it didn't mean walk around praying silently all day, it meant pray in every circumstance, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It means to "pray with your eyes open" as my pastor put it. Talk to God and then look and listen for His reply. Pray with your eyes open.
I'm thankful that I've let Him in and we've developed the kind of relationship where I can pray and discern His voice and see his hand at work in my life and the lives of others. It didn't happen overnight. Like any relationship it takes time and patience and nurturing. It's communication, not one sided, you have to wait and listen and look for His response. I pray all the time. I pray in the morning, in the shower, in the car, when there are hiccups during the day, and when I go to bed at night. Some prayers are longer than others. Some prayers are for others and some are for myself. Some prayers are public and I post and share them because I think they may be the words that others need to say but can't find. And some prayers are more like painful screams, uncensored and unapologetic.
Whatever they are, they are deepening my relationship with my Father and strengthening my faith and are woven into the fabric of my life, not just said on Sunday mornings and they help me to ride out the waves of life. When my pastor said prayer is like the surfboard that lets you ride the waves I got it. It is! Without prayer you're just building sandcastles, busying yourself and stressing about the tide that will come wash them away and then busying yourself again to build them again. With prayer you are ontop of the wave. This is SO true! Prayer gives me peace during the storms. They remind me that He is here. HE reminds me that He is here. You can have that too. Just talk, and listen. Start there. You'll be amazed at how much you grow from there, how much your relationship grows and how you'll be able to hear him too. He's waiting and He's in the waiting.
Before I started dating I prayed for God to help me guard my heart and protect me. It's pretty ironic (but then again it's not, it's all God) anyway it's crazy that every single time I get comfortable enough to take the next step (hold hands, a kiss goodnight, etc.) something comes up or plans change or the date gets cancelled and then the guys fade away as quickly as they came in. I have enough self-confidence and self-worth to know it's not me but it still sucks. But then I remember that's God. I asked him to protect me from wrongdoers and protect my heart from being used and broken. He's doing that. It's pretty cool actually.
Then this morning as I was standing alone in church I look around me and notice husbands with their hands on their wives' backs or shoulders as we were standing in worship. I miss that. It's the little things. I started to get discouraged and tears welled up in my eyes and I started praying for peace and patience as I wait and for Him to still and steady my heart. Then our worship team sang my anthem right now: "Take Courage." Coincidence... nope. I hear you God. Recenter. Refocus. He's in the waiting. Serve while you wait. Pray without ceasing. Be broken and blessed and bless others. Got it.
Thank you God for hearing my prayers and answering them in a way that's discernible so that I can share with the world how awesome and faithful you are. Thank you for your encouragement today and continue to help me to be strong and patient while I wait on your will. Lead me out onto the water and help me ride the waves of this life. I trust you and I will follow where you lead. Amen.
My motto for the first half of the year was "Breathe." It was all I could do when Mark passed and there were many times I had to remind myself to just breathe. Now I'm surviving all the firsts without him. I survived the first Valentine's Day without him, first birthday without him, first Father's Day, and now our first vacation without him.
I decided a couple months back that Bub and I needed a vacation after the year we've had so I booked a cruise for us. I knew I wanted to take a big trip but didn't feel safe taking him cross country on my own yet (the movie Taken kept replaying in my head). I figured a cruise was the safest way to go. I could check him in to the teen club and he could come and go as he pleases and hang with kids his own age but we could still eat together and do stuff together. The ship has cameras, security, and is self-contained and all-inclusive so I felt it was the best vacation for us to go on as a newly single mom.
The night before I was making sure the tags were on our luggage and all our documents were in order and I started to freak out a little. I was nervous about navigating the parking/cruise terminal and getting through embarkation on my own. Then I started to get nervous about the alone time I would have on the ship... what would I do when I was alone? Would I get lonely? I started to stress. I did everything I needed to do and talked to friends who assured me that I would be alright so I went to bed with that in my head. "I'll be alright. It'll be fun."
We made it to Galveston with time to spare. Traffic wasn't a bother and I was able to navigate there with no problems thanks to google maps. Issac rolled the big suitcase to be checked in by the stewards and I carried the carry-on bags and we made it through embarkation in about 30 minutes! That was a relief! Then we were on the ship and off to explore while we waited for our room to be ready and luggage to be delivered.
Day 1: Fun & full of excitement. We had lunch on the Lido (party) deck and checked out the schedule and made a plan for the night. We went swimming, got our teeth whitened at the spa, he went back out to the pool, and I had the best 2 hour full body massage EVER. I'm talkin hot seaweed wrap, shower, scalp massage/neck/shoulders/arms/fingers, legs/feet-reflexology, another shower, flip onto your stomach and she does a full body massage from the back, then flip and she does the full body from the front. It was A-MAZING. Well worth the money. She did say she was concerned about the stress knot I have in my neck/shoulderblade area...hmmm I wonder why? Note to self... get simple massages more regularly. Well the massage lasted longer than I expected and we missed dinner in the dining room so we had the buffet instead. Then we caught a PG comedy show and went our separate ways. He went to his teen club and I went to the adult comedy show. We met back up in the room around midnight. I survived Day 1.
Day 2: It was too much fun but it was also setting in that I was alone. Sitting out on the deck I did some people watching. Here's how my day went.
I need a poolchair....there's one, that's all I need. I'll just sandwich myself in between the skinny girl with a cute suit and the other skinny girl with a hot husband. Perfect! I'll take a Mojito please. Hmm, now what? There's lots of couples on the cruise. Newly married couples, boyfriend/girlfriend couples, couples that are getting engaged on the cruise/island, couples that have been married for years... I wanted to be married that long. Ugh. Another Mojito pelase! Oh look, they're selling gold jewelry over there, tax-free/duty-free, maybe I can find a gold ring guard for my emerald ring that Mark bought me. (I look down at my rings and get sad that there's not a wedding ring there). The girl to my right compliments my emerald ring so I tell her thanks, my husband bought it for my birthday since it's my birthstone. She asked if he stayed home so of course I had to tell her he passed and got the "Oh I'm so sorry" reply to which I just smiled and said thank you... another Mojito please! We got to talking and laughing and by the time time I knew it I was dancing on the deck! What sadness?? Alcohol makes me happy! By this time I was burnt to a crisp and had lost count of the Mojitos and my child, who I hadn't seen since around 10 am when he ditched me to run around with friends. I took that as my cue to leave. I survived my first day at sea alone.
I went back to the room to freshen up for dinner (which we didn't make it to by the way... thank you Mojitos). We brought plates back to our room and turned in early that night. Bub was tired from his day of running around and swimming and I spent my evening in and out of the cold shower to feel better.
Day 3: We woke up early to get a head start on the day. We had breakfast and then we were off to Playa del Carmen for our adventure excursion. We had so much fun tubing, snorkeling, zip-lining, but again, there was a hole in my heart and a frog in my throat at times. The constant thought, "Mark would've loved this" or "Mark would never do that" or "Mark would've done..." He's always there, always on my mind even if he's there at the back of my mind. That's just the way it is now. I've come to accept it. We had a blast and got back to the ship and had time to shower and rest before dinner. Bub and I had dinner in the dining room. He was excited to get to eat a fancy dinner and his face lit up when I told him he could order his own appetizer (not have to share a table appetizer) AND dessert. After dinner he went to hang out with friends and I went to the Love & Marriage show (kind of like the newlywed game but with 3 couples: newlyweds, a middle-of-the-road couple, and a long-lasting couple). It was super funny and I identified so much with it. I don't feel single. I still feel married. I laughed and answered the questions in my head as to what Mark would do/say. I felt the lump in my throat swelling again so I ordered... a glass of wine. NOT a Mojito! Not after yesterday. Well, in an auditorium full of people there's bound to be a mix-up. My wine never came :( Oh well, it's probably better that way. I went to the room and turned in for the night. It was after 11 anyway. I survived our day of adventures alone in Mexico!
Day 4: I woke up around 6 am as usual but made myself go back to sleep. Bub & I slept in until room service came and kicked us out at 11:30. We went to the Lido deck (I did NOT want to go out there in the sun again but that's where everything was happening) and had lunch. He ran into friends AGAIN and we went back to the room to change into our swimsuits and he ran off again. I laid out for a bit, you know, to even out the sunburn, and then got in the pool and people watched and drank pina coladas (something milder than Mojitos). A couple hours out there and I was over it. I went in and went to a show, then back to the room to shower and pack to leave tomorrow. Bub came back to the room around the same time I did and we laid in bed and watched movies all evening, until dinner. We had drinks at the lounge before dinner (he had a coke and I had a Jack & coke) and then we had dinner in the dining room again. After 4 days of running around I think we were both done so we went back to the room for more movies in bed.
Day 5: We woke up bright & early to get our stuff and get off the boat. We had one last breakfast before getting off the ship and making our way through the debarkation process. We made it through customs/border patrol, the shuttle, and found our car in the parking lot with no problem! I survived debarkation! Then we hit the road. I turned my music on and he slept... the whole way... like a true teenager.
When we got home I left all the bags in the car and plopped down on the bed, hugged my Mark pillow tight, pulled the covers over my head, and let it all out. It sucks coming home to nothingness, not having anybody missing you or thinking about you at home, not having anyone to tell all the details of your trip to. It sucks having to vacation alone as a single mom when you were a family just 9 months ago.
It sucks. I didn't ask for this but it is what it is and it's the only life we've got to live so we're making the best of it, even if it means surviving little moments one at a time. We survived. We thrived! We had fun and made memories that will last a lifetime. I loved seeing my boy smile and his face light up with every new experience, every new food he got to eat, sight he got to see. I loved hearing him say, "Thanks Mom, I love you!" I loved bonding with him and sharing a little more of myself with him on a personal level (not too much though, I'm still MOM). I did it. I survived our first family vacation as a family of 2. I feel empowered and exhausted all at the same time. I wish it was Sunday because I need church to refill me and refuel me for the week.
Who knows what this week will hold. It's the first week of school so tomorrow will be back to normal with parent drop-off and pick-ups, dinner, homework, and normal life. Wish us well as this is the first school year from start-to-finish where it's just the two of us. Hopefully he doesn't give me hell about homework the way he did last year when Mark had to get onto him. Hopefully he has his head on straight this year. There's going to be many more firsts without Dad around this year: band performances, homecoming dances, swim meets, etc. but we will survive...and we will thrive!. It's what we do. We are warriors!
As most of you know I have started dating. I find my peace in the Lord and have been comforted and provided for and protected in so many ways but the one thing that's missing are strong arms to hold me. I'm human. I'm a woman. I want to be wanted and loved and treasured. It's hard for me to reconcile my belief that God is the husband to the widow and the father to the fatherless with the fact that he is not a physical being that can hug me back. He sent his son to be a physical being but He has come and gone and I am following after him but I'm alone and that gets lonely sometimes. I am staying strong and standing firm in my faith and I'm standing on my own two feet in the meantime but I'm open to dating and relationships because I want to be loved again. My dating is not an attempt to fill a void or replace my husband but at the same time there is a void and an emptiness that can't be filled, only understood. I just want someone who understands loss and is still interested in me and wants to spend time with me.
I went on a date yesterday with someone new. I was excited about going on the date. I don't know if it's because we share the same cultural background and that made me feel more comfortable or if it's because I had already gone on a few dates so I was more comfortable. Either way I went into the date feeling excited and confident. I was still a little nervous, not knowing what he would be like in person, his personality, etc. but things actually went really well. We met at a restaurant and had dinner and the conversation flowed easily. I was able to joke and laugh and be myself and he seemed as if he was comfortable and being himself as well. He was funny without trying too hard. He was a gentleman. He was attentive and interested in getting to know me and my story. He complemented me, which was nice. He seemed as if he was into me which was nice because I would like to know more about him. We hit it off and I left the date feeling optimistic and excited and on a high.
Today, however, I came crashing down. I realize that I am good with going on dates. I am good at going on dates. I'm personable, kind of funny, a little outgoing, and I'm good company. I'm good AT going on dates. And I'm good at being a wife. It's the in between area that I'm finding that I struggle with. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to start over from square one and not let my heart run ahead. I don't know how to just chill and let things happen without wondering about where the relationship or friendship is going. I'm a good wife and considering the fact that I'm not married anymore and I'm not sure that I want to remarry, I'd be a good girlfriend. I'm good with that, being a good girlfriend, but getting from point A to point B is hard for me. It's hard for me to not be ALL IN. I usually have a pretty good sense about people, pretty good judgment of character and motives, and I trust my gut. So if I agree to a date it's because I saw something, potential, and weeded out the rest of Bozos. So if things go well I find myself wanting to run ahead, go at warp speed, and be ALL IN. I have to remind myself that I'm starting over from the beginning. I'm not used to being at the beginning.
So during my lows, when I'm questioning motives and my actions (Does he like me? Should I text/call? Will he think I'm too pushy? If I don't will he think I'm not interested? on and on and on), I have to center myself. Since I find my center in Christ I read my Christian dating/waiting book (Lady in Waiting) and then turn on my Christian music and do some bible journaling. It helps me calm my anxious heart. I suck at waiting. I suck at being patient in this situation. I have the patience of Job but when it comes to relationships I suck at being patient. It's hard to be patient and be grateful for the baby steps when you once had it all. But I will do my best.
Lord thank you for your grace and the peace and comfort you bring to steady my heart. Help me to seek you in the stillness and be with you while I'm waiting because you are in the waiting season with me. I am not alone. I pray that you will bring a good man into my life and that I will be ready for him when you send him to me. Until then I pray that you will help me guard my heart during the dating highs and calm my anxious heart during the dating lows. Bless us, forgive us, and protect us all and be with the soldiers, the sick, the poor, & the hungry. I pray all this in Christ's name. Amen.
A couple months ago I felt myself coming back to life since losing Mark. When I lost him I went into shut down mode. My body wanted to shut down, my brain shut down, my heart shut down. It was hard to care for myself, much less my son or anyone else. Thank God my mom was here to care for him during those first couple weeks. After she left I had to push myself to get out of bed and take him to school and go to work. I had to push myself through each moment of each day. It was hard.
Every day I would wake up sad, not looking forward to the day because it was another day without my love. If you've never experienced loss there's no way you can fully understand but it's horrible. You don't want to go to bed because those are quiet times when the world stands still and that's is excruciating when you're grieving. And if you have to go to bed in an empty bed it's even worse. Then there's the insomnia and you can't sleep so you battle with sleep all night and finally doze off to catch those few hours that elude you. Then the alarm goes off and you wake up to immediate heartbreak and disappointment that slaps you in the face as you wake up alone to face another day without your person. It's HARD to say the least.
I fought the fight day in and day out and realized a couple months ago that it was getting easier to enjoy the day. I woke up thinking about work, not immediately depressed about being alone. I started making plans again and I could actually stick to them and not flake out to cry in my room. I felt like I was coming back to myself, coming back to life again. He was breathing life back into me.
Then I started thinking about my future again and that scared me. When I was with Mark I thought about our future together. We made plans. We had dreams. When he passed all those dreams and plans were crushed. I couldn't see past the moment much less make weekend plans or think about what my new future would hold. But then I found myself thinking about the future again. I found myself feeling sad about not being a wife and not belonging to anyone anymore. I found myself feeling lost and confused and scared at the thought of dating. So what do I do when I'm feeling this way? I turn to the word. And when I don't know where to look in the Bible I go to the Christian bookstore and look for books to guide me.
So one afternoon in June I sat cross-legged on the floor in the aisle of the Lifeway store, thumbing through books about widowhood, grieving, dating again, dating, praying for your future husband, etc. I was starting to get discouraged because I couldn't find a book that spoke to my needs, but then I found this one: Lady in Waiting, Becoming Gods Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. Hmm... I want to become God's best. And I am in waiting for what's next. So I thumbed through it and decided to make the purchase.
Let me just say that this book is great! It takes the focus off finding a man, stressing about finding a man or dating or being sexy enough, witty enough, flirty enough, etc. It turns your focus to God and on what you can do to better yourself for Him and love according to His will and trust that He will send you someone if that's what He has planned for you. It's about being your best self so that if you do have someone come into your life you can be your best for them and with them. I can't do the book justice, you'll just have to pick it up and read it for yourself. It's great for young singles, those that are divorced or single again, and it's even ministering to me and I'm widowed and suddenly-single again.
I'm currently in chapter 8, Lady of Contentment: learning to be content with life and finding joy in each day regardless of circumstance. This one paragraph speaks so loudly to me because it confirms that I'm on the right track in handling things since being thrust into the suddenly-single world. Regardless of whether I'm dating or not, I've tried to be content and I have chosen joy every day since losing Mark. Some days it's been harder than others but I make a point to try and be content and give praise to God regardless of my circumstances.
"Whether married or single (or widowed in my case), one must learn that it is Jesus who strengthens you to walk in the most dismal or delightful of circumstances. True contentment is learned. You are not born with it, and you cannot buy it at one of Kmart's blue-light specials. Your classroom for learning is your daily life. Every shattered dream or unfulfilled expectation serves as a perfect opportunity to learn contentment. The circumstances are your classroom assignments for learning the mystery of contentment. Learning contentment requires complete dependence upon Jesus, for difficult circumstances without the strength of Jesus can rob you of potential contentment." ~ Jackie Kendall, Lady in Waiting #choosejoy #ladyinwaiting
Sure my dreams have been shattered and my life has been turned upside down, but I'm just going to keep on keepin on. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, pouring myself out into others and into my passions and my calling and keep living in each moment and finding contentment in each day. It's a process and a choice. Every day you have a choice to have a good day, or not.
Whether you're going through loss or just going through a different kind of struggle, look up. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Don't let your circumstances or your past define you but let it teach you. Life is a lesson learned. Learn contentment. Love and peace to you all!
❤️ Cassi
On this day in 2013 I read my "Jesus Calling" devotional and prayed that God would lead me to lead others. I admitted that I struggle with teaching others to follow Jesus. I have a very quiet and humble spirit, I'm not very evangelical in the "in your face" sense. I prayed that He would help me to do his will and lead me to lead others.
"I SPEAK TO YOU from deepest heaven. You hear Me in the depths of your being. Deep calls unto deep. You are blessed to hear Me so directly. Never take this privilege for granted. The best response is a heart overflowing with gratitude. I am training you to cultivate a thankful mind-set. This is like building your house on a firm rock, where life's storms cannot shake you. As you learn these lessons you are to teach them to others. I will open up the way before you, one step at a time." (Psalm 42:7; Psalm 95:1-2; Matthew 7:24-25)
Well... He did. I've been told that I'm leading others to Christ through my testimony and I'm leading others through grief and loss and pain as well. I prayed that He would show me how and He did. He gave me a platform and gives me the words. This is more proof that He listens and answers prayers.
I've decided that I'm ready to put myself out there and date. I love my husband in heaven but I want to be loved here on earth again. It's called duality: Moving forward to be happy and living in the moment even though you're grieving the loss of the past.
The best way I can explain it is like this: You have a baby. You love that baby more than anything. Then you're going to have another baby. You wonder if you'll be able to love the second child like your first. You wonder if there's enough love in your heart. Then you have that second child and you realize there IS more love there. Your love for your first child doesn't fade or lessen, and you don't love your second child less than the first. You love both with an amazing amount of love because that's how the heart works. Love grows. It compounds.
That's where I am. I don't love Mark less. I'm not getting OVER him or boxing him up and moving on. I'm living life and moving forward. He would want me to. He'd want me to be loved & taken care of, I know he would.
So I started dating last month. Went out a few times with the same guy and all was going well. Then I got ghosted. Maybe I'm too much. Too reserved. Too conservative. Too slow moving. Too churchy. Too smart. Too much of a good girl. Too "sweet." Too successful. Too much of a thinker. Too much baggage. Too much history/past. Too intimidating.
I can only assume it's because of one of the reasons above because I wasn't clingy or needy or full of drama. Who knows!?! It stings a little but I'm not lowering my values or standards just because someone thinks I'm too... WHATEVER. And I don't think I'm half bad! I'm a catch dangit! Hopefully someone else besides Mark will be able to see that and appreciate that. One can only hope.
I went to church early today to be a greeter and got pulled to work in the toddler room instead. Someone had called in and they needed extra hands. I got to play with sweet 2 year olds! I'm happy to be used where I'm needed. I spent the 10 am service in the toddler room and got to enjoy the late service instead.
After church I got the craving for Mexican food. Bub is with his dad and my friends all went to Comic Con so I knew I'd be eating alone. I was willing to do it because I wanted Mexican food. When I told the lady it would just be one she asked me if it was okay to sit at a 6-top table. (NO!!) I politely asked for a smaller table off to the back. Crazy lady, trying to sit me at that big empty table all by myself! No thank you!
I'm getting stronger and I'm able to eat alone now but I'll never feel comfortable doing it, much less sitting alone at a big table. It gets more normal but it never gets easier.
August 5, 2017 I spent the afternoon painting with friends. I LOVE the way everyone's paintings turned out. Mine has me in a kayak. Ever since Mark passed I have a new relationship with water. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning, sometimes I feel powerful like I'm swimming, sometimes I feel like I'm barely coming up for air. My painting has me in a kayak just paddling through it, through the dark rough waters toward the beautiful sunset.
August 5, 2017 I went to happy hour with some friends last night and felt great. I got all dressed up and felt confident and sexy and was having a great time. I didn't want to go home afterwards so I hung with friends and then went out. My girlfriend & I went to Bo's Barn, a local country bar/dance hall. It was my first time at a country bar, with country music playing and people dancing, since I lost my dancing partner. I walked in confident but felt myself wilting inside, though I didn't show it. When asked to dance by an older gentleman I said yes, only to get through it and get it over with. It was awkward and I stepped on his toes as if I couldn't dance when we all know I can dance circles around the dance floor. I made it to midnight and then we left and I cried the whole way home. This. Freaking. Sucks. But I did it. I got through it. I guess that's a plus. I was asked what emotion I feel the most right now, in the midst of my grief? What is it that is making me cry: sadness, anger, fear, etc? At this point it's loneliness. I miss my person, my confidant & best friend. I miss having someone to share my life with, on the good and bad days. I choose joy each day and I'm doing damn good considering but damnit if it isn't lonely. So I'm sad about that. I miss him. And I miss who I was when I was with him. I was cherished. I was loved. I was adored. I was safe. I was carefree! Sure we had issues, every marriage does, but we were a team. We knew how to work at it, work hard, and have fun. Nights like last night would've been fun and carefree. Now they're challenging. I see things differently. I'm changed. Death does that. It changes you to your core when you lose someone so close to your heart. It shatters your heart into a million pieces and when it's put back together again it's never the same. It's never quite right. In some ways I feel like I've become a better person since losing Mark, I've become stronger, wiser, more financially savvy, and a stronger woman of faith, but in other ways I'm changed. I'm experienced, maybe a little jaded, disappointed, and so homesick for heaven. Sometimes I just wanna go Home and be done with this race! Life is so short but yet SO long at the same time, if that makes sense. But one more day has gone by and I'm one day closer to heaven so I'll keep walking. I just miss him and I miss me. It's lonely.
Well I'm starting to slim down again. That's what happens when your world shifts and you don't eat for a while and then don't cook. Before Mark I was fit. I had good eating habits and was outgoing and adventurous. When we got together we enjoyed BBQing, going to the movies, out to eat, etc and my adventurous lifestyle gave way to love and happiness and being comfortable. I took on his eating habits and developed a few bad ones of my own (thank you Dad for the sweet tooth).
After he passed I didn't eat for a while due to shock. Then I didn't eat much bc I was in overdrive all the time and didn't feel like eating. Then it was bc I didn't want to cook (how do you cook for 1 person). These days I eat 1 meal: lunch. I know it's not good but I've never been a breakfast person (unless it's breakfast in bed). I have my coffee in the AM, eat lunch with the kids, and have wine in the evening. No sense cooking dinner or making a mess for just me. Sometimes I'll eat almonds and cheese for dinner. Sometimes I'll skip dinner altogether. My groceries go bad, I've had a bachelor's fridge, and I go-go-go so much that it doesn't even phase me.
I suppose now is the time to get it right. I'm clearing the fridge out today (there's hardly anything in it anyway) and next time I buy groceries it'll be stuff that's good for our bodies. I'm not going all crazy Vegan or anything, just going to do it better. And I SUPPOSE I'll join group fitness. I want my body to catch up to my mind now. My mind is strong, fearless, an overcomer. My body needs to be the same way again.
