I'm Worth It

July 18, 2017

I have been struggling with my sense of identify since losing my husband. I've been cherished and adored and loved so gloriously and I belonged to someone who treasured me. I was his and he was mine. Even during the hard times, when I lost sight of who I was in our marriage and what I wanted my husband looked at me with loving and forgiving eyes and led me back to myself and led me back to God. I felt His love and forgiveness when I was wrapped in my husband's arms during those dark days. We didn't have a perfect marriage but it was real and it was SO good. I knew that when I had him and I treasured him.

Now that I've lost him I'm having to find myself and my new identity without him. It's so hard! When I feel judged or rejected I feel myself getting down on myself. I opened up my "Jesus Calling" book and read today's devotional and it reminded me that my worth is determined by what God says about me.

I am beautiful. I am kind. I am good-hearted. I am wise. I am worth knowing. I am worth loving. I am to be treasured because ultimately I AM HIS. Mark knew this and treated me as such. I do feel alone but I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not. Maybe for now but not forever.

Rough Nights

July 18, 2017 at 7:57 am

Since seeing my love in my dream I've had a few rough days. And nights. Especially nights. I almost called in to work today. I actually talked to my boss last night and said I wanted to stay home today. I just wanted to stay in bed with my head under the covers and cry into my pillow. I'm entitled to that every now and then.

Instead of sleeping the day away my internal alarm clock woke me up at 6 am as usual and I talked to God to decide what to do. Papa God said to get my butt up. So I did.

Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. That's what I did.

Grace is new every day and joy comes in the morning so I got my butt up and showed up to work. Then I showed up for my first client, and the next client, and the next client, until the day was done. That's the plan for tomorrow too.

Wake up. Pray up. Get up. Show up. Repeat.

Dream Visitations

July 17, 2017 at 8:15 am

I cried in my sleep this morning. My love came to visit me. I woke up around 5 am to go to the bathroom, checked the clock on my phone and realized I still had a couple hours of sleep, so I got back in bed and fell back asleep. Then he was there.

He knelt down by the bed and stroked my hair. I could feel his fingertips on my face and neck and through my hair. He got in bed and laid next to me and he was right there, so close to me. I held his face in my hands and could feel and see his salt & pepper hair and feel his skin. He just stared at me and spoke to me with his eyes. His lips didn't move but I could hear his words. He said, "I'm here. I don't come around a lot, only during this time, because THIS was our time. This was our thing (him stroking my hair in the early morning hours). I love you." I kissed him and I could feel his sweet kiss, his soft lips, and I could feel the tears falling. I knew I was sleeping because the tears were streaming from my closed eyes. I knew I was dreaming. Then he got up and walked away. He was wearing a white t-shirt and jeans and as he walked away I chased after him, sobbing and begging him not to leave again. Then I woke up.

Oh God I miss that man! It was bittersweet to have that dream. I love that I got to hold him and kiss him but I hated to see him go again. My heart was breaking all day and I'd been doing so good. It felt like the day after all over again. After Mark passed I felt closer to God but so distant from my husband. In an instant he was gone. Just like that... gone. I didn't feel him around, see any signs that he was near or watching over me, it wasn't like the movies. He was just gone. Then this happened. It's beautiful and amazing but it definitely ripped the wound open again. But I'll live with my heart cut open if it means knowing my love is in heaven watching over me.

I came across this picture and it holds new meaning now. He posted this on my Facebook wall back in 2009. I must've been out of town and he was telling me that he missed me. Now when I read it I picture him telling me this from that side of heaven. I miss him so much and I wish I was there too. I will be and I can't wait until the day when I can see him and hold him again.

Paradise

July 16, 2017 at 7:59 am

A month after my husband passed I had a dream that we went on a cruise with the kids. We had drinks at the bar and eventually I left him there while I went and got the kids settled in their cabin, right next door to our cabin. I accidentally fell asleep in their cabin and when I woke up the next morning I went next door and realized Mark hadn't been in our cabin. The bed was still made and it was obvious he hadn't been there so I spent the morning searching the cruise ship. As I was asking around at the bar the bartender said, "Oh, that guy cashed in his chips and got off the ship in the Bahamas." 

We were still docked so I got off the ship at the port and there he was, standing with his things in his arms. I questioned him, like, "What are you doing? Come on, the ships about to leave!" He refused to get back on the ship. He kept staring at me. He wouldn't talk to me but with his eyes he was saying," I'm staying here in paradise." I kept crying and pleading, "What about me? What about the kids?" but he refused. The ships horn blew and I had to make the decision to either stay with him or get back on the ship with the kids. I turned with tears streaming down my face and left him in the Bahamas and got back on the ship.

It was the most gut-wrenching dream. It was so recently after loosing him and I felt abandoned all over again. I talked to my therapist about my dream and she said he was telling me he was in paradise. It was a parallel to heaven. I can see that. I believe it.

I came across this picture from a cruise we took to Cozumel a few years back. This was how I envisioned him in my dream, standing there with his bag, happy as a clam. He IS in paradise now. I get it. I wish I could be in paradise with him but my journey is taking longer than his did. Although I think of him everyday and miss him everyday I'm finding my happiness too. #iloveyoubig Mark Anthony. I'll see you in paradise when my time comes. Save me a spot on the beach!
 #youngwidowwarrior #marksmovetoheaven

Cardinal Sightings, Finally!

When Mark passed I felt it. I knew before I actually KNEW he was gone. The night of the accident I was on my way to him. Although I didn't exactly know where he was, I knew which way he was traveling so I traveled the same road looking for him. Around 10:20 my heart hurt and I felt this overwhelming wave of nausea for no reason. I had a pain in my heart and the pit of my stomach and I knew something was wrong even though I was 15 miles away. By the time I got to him he was already gone. His time of death...10:22. I honestly believe that our hearts were so intertwined that I literally felt his soul leave mine when he left this earth.

With a love like that I thought he'd never truly leave me but the fact of the matter is, he did. He fell asleep in this world (quite literally) and woke up in the next and I was the last thing on his mind. I didn't feel his presence during my darkest days and that was like a slap in the face. I felt deserted. Abandoned. It was horrible.  The one who never left me was God. We're on a new level now. We've taken our relationship to the next level. He's Poppa God now. I felt Him so close, could see his hand in everything, yet couldn't feel Mark at all. I had to learn to get on without him while not letting his memory die. It's been a journey, and that's an understatement.

I've felt it all and continue to endure it all. I'm running the race with endurance. I finally feel like I'm back to myself and I'm stronger than I've ever been. I feel ready to put myself out there and date, be vulnerable, perhaps fall in love again. Mark knew my heart. We had talks late at night about what would happen if either of us died. We talked about going on, living life, finding love again. He was my best friend. We talked about everything. When my classmate, Officer Bobby Hornsby, died I took it really hard. I grieved so hard for his wife and kids and just held him tight at night and told him how much I would miss him if he ever died on me. That was when we had one of those talks. I'm so glad we did. He loved me and although he gave me hell and said he'd haunt me if I moved on, he would then love on me and tell me he was only kidding and he'd want me to be happy and be loved again. He didn't want me alone, unprotected, miserable.

So here I am. It's been 7 months and I feel like me again. My faith has propelled me through this, one painstaking step at a time but at a pace that I could never have imagined because I never took my eyes off Jesus. He was like the white racing bunny that the race horses chase after, quickly leading the way through it all. Never would I have thought that I'd go back to work 2 weeks after losing my husband. Or that I'd celebrate our first holidays without him in grand fashion, even if there were lots of tears. Or that 7 months after losing him I'd be dating. But I am and I feel at peace with it. I'm not rushing or pushing things down. I'm moving forward and living life. Mark started living his new life the moment he left this earth. It's time for me to do the same.

Last month I cried out to Poppa God to send me a helper. Someone to do this life with me, especially if I'm going to raise my son to be a good man or endure more hardships. I don't want to do it alone. I can if I have to, obviously I've proven that, but I don't want to. I want a partner. A friend. A helper. Another good role model for Bub. So I asked for it. The bible says ask and you shall receive. I asked.

Well I met someone at the end of June. We've gone on a couple dates this month and all is well. He's a good guy and we're getting to know each other. Last Sunday we went for a walk in the evening. In all the time since I lost Mark I have never seen a cardinal (people say cardinals are loved ones come to visit). As we started our walk I saw one. Then two. Then 3, 4, 5, 6, and by then we were deep in conversation and I stopped counting. I feel like he was there, all along my walk with this new guy, showing me that he's still watching over me and he approves. He's giving me the green light.

Who knows what will come of this, only time will tell, but he knows I lost Mark and is understanding so that is already a plus. He seems genuine so I'm not holding back. I'm talking to Mark and Poppa God in prayer and following where I feel led and seeing where this might lead. It could be a dead-end road or he could be the one sent for me. We shall see. I'm not putting too much thought into the future, I'm just enjoying today. Life is short, I know this too well now. If it works out, it works out and that's great. But if it doesn't and I get my heart broken it won't be half as bad as the heartbreak I've already endured so what have I got to lose?

So here we go! Wish me luck and always watch over me, my love. I love you BIG! Not moving on, moving forward & learning to live again. Love to you all! Stay posted.

An Open Prayer Box

My prayer box has been coming open for the last few days. It's never come open before. I bought it in March after Mark passed and intended on filling it with some of his ashes and making a trip to cowboys stadium to sprinkle them on the star. I still need to do that. In the meantime I've been wearing it on my charm bracelet. I've sent up lots of prayers since Mark moved to heaven. I've prayed for strength, endurance, wisdom, discernment, and patience. Most recently I prayed that God would send me a helper, another partner in this life who will be good to me and take care of me like Mark did, especially if I'm going to go through more hard times. I don't want to struggle alone. So that's been my latest prayer.

Since then a man has come into my life and shown interest and wants to get to know me better. I find myself getting excited to hear from him and I miss hearing from him when the day goes by and he hasn't texted. I don't want to pursue or be clingy so I'm letting things be and play out as they will. When I haven't heard from him all day I'll talk to God and say God if he's not the man for me, make it known to me and turn my attention elsewhere. But if he is make it known as well. Then my phone rings and there he is so I'm trusting and moving forward with caution.

Even though I'm being cautious I feel like I could easily fall for him and that scares me. I don't want to fall so fast that I fall flat on my face. I want to fall into arms that will catch me, like the trust game. I don't know his intentions. I get the feeling he is ready for this but how do I know for sure. How do I know he's not a player, philandering around instead of being happy with what he's got? How do I know he's not a liar, a cheater, or a wife beater? Only time will tell. I just pray I don't get hurt. I've been hurt enough already.

My prayer box has been popping open lately. Are my prayers getting answered? Is this God's hand at work again? Or is it just coincidence? Only time will tell. We shall see.

Life After Death

There is life after death... for the deceased and those left behind. Mark went on to be with Jesus and I was left behind. In those first days and months I didn't think it would be possible for me to truly live again. He was my world! Y'all know how much I love him and how devastated I was. It was the most horrible thing I've ever been through. But as time has gone on I've found myself getting stronger and stronger.

My love for my husband is not fading, it's like it's frozen in time, but I'm finding myself again. I had lost myself in love and got comfortable, lax. Now I'm losing myself in life. I'm doing the things I used to love to do and exploring new things too. I'm keeping my eyes on Jesus and coming through the storm and today I feel like I'm walking on water! It's amazing how He can bring you through even the worst of things and bring something beautiful from it. The beauty is in the testimony... there is life after death. Embrace it. Choose joy.

Today I did just that. I went on a date! Like a real date. I haven't gone on a date... ever!

I "dated" my ex in high school for 5 years and wanted to marry him but we went our separate ways. And we didn't go on dates, we were too young. We coupled up.

I met Bub' s dad and hung out with him at the pool and his apartment and softball games with him for a month and then got engaged! We were married a year later. We never went on dates we just hung out and coupled up.

I divorced him and went on one date with Mark (an old friend) and never stopped dating him. We were married within 6 months and stayed married for 8 years until he moved to Heaven. We never stopped dating. When we didn't have the kids we spent time on us and went out and had fun together. So we dated but there was comfort in that he was my husband, not a complete stranger.

This was a date with a new guy. A random stranger. A step forward. I've been feeling more and more like myself with each new day. I've been getting stronger. I'm ready. Not for love or marriage by any means, my heart is still very much guarded after losing like I did, but I'm ready to meet people, have intellectual conversations, go and do stuff, and get out there.

I had my time with my hubby before going out and I held back tears as I told him I'd much rather he be here spending 4th of July with us as a family, popping fireworks with the kids and grilling all weekend. But he's not, he's in glorious Heaven and I'm here and it is what it is so I'm going to make the best of it. I told him I love him, always, and asked him to please protect me and prayed that my date wouldn't be a jerk. I gave his urn a kiss and headed out the door with my big girl pants on.

My date was a gentleman and we got along well for being total strangers. I'm so glad that's over but I'm also glad I didn't make a fool of myself... or cry. So we'll see what happens. I'm not pursuing. I'm focusing on my growth, my relationship with God, my kid, my life, and if something happens over time then so be it. And if it doesn't, vaya con Dios! I'm learning to live again. I'm learning that you can always love the one you lost and still move forward. Time stops for no one, make the most of this life because you only get one chance at it.

You can love and lean in, embrace life. Lean into it. Lean forward. Move forward. "If you're going to feel AT ALL you have to feel IT ALL." There is life after death. THANK GOD!