A Date With Myself

I went on a date to the movies tonight... with myself. I never thought I'd go to dinner by myself or go to the movies by myself but I'm doing a lot more these days than I ever thought I could. I used to be so self-conscious about going places alone. I couldn't even go shopping alone when I was in my early 20s but then I grew up and gained confidence over the years. But dinner and a movie, that's different. Those are things you do with other people, typically. Not this girl. I'm transparent and share my story online but in reality I have a few close friends that I actually spend time with. Well tonight my friends had plans so it was just me. So I went to the movies alone.

Being alone gives you a lot of time to think. And I'm always in my head. I'm very self-aware. I think about my future. What will become of me? I have the capacity to love with my whole heart because that's how I am. I give everything at the risk of getting hurt because I feel like it's worth it. I can become invested in somebody that's real and wants ME. All of me. But therein lies the problem.

I'm not sure I'm the dating kind. I'm not the superficial, positive Patty all the time. If you know me you know I'm very positive and optimistic but I'm also REAL. I want the chance to be real with someone and not be judged for it and in the dating world being REAL equates to DRAMA. At least that's what I've gathered. They all want someone who's fun and enjoys traveling and doesn't have the baggage that I have. It's all so superficial!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm generalizing and grouping all men together but that's how it seems. They want thin, athletic, beautiful, fun, happy-go-lucky women. I don't even know if it matters to have a brain or a career. I'm thinking personality trumps brains. I could be wrong. It's just the vibe I get.

Dating is daunting. I don't think I have what it takes. I'm a positive person but sometimes I'm not. I'm fun and I love doing things but I'm not athletic and toned and beautiful. I don't cross fit. I'm smart, kinda nerdy, a little socially awkward, sensitive, analytical, and emotional. Not in the short fuse kind of way but in the wear my heart on my sleeve kind of way. I don't eat organic and I indulge in the sweeter things like donuts and ice cream and chocolate. And I don't feel guilty one bit!

I am ME and once upon a time he loved me and I liked me. Now I feel like I'm too much. Either I'm too much or I'm not enough. I feel like I'm not enough for the confident, athletic, career types because they want freakin Barbie! And I'm not that. At all. I'm just me. And I want somebody who likes ME and wants to get to know me and spend time with me. I want someone who has the ability to love me, not this superficial crap.

I'm not sure the man I'm wanting is out there. Maybe I had that and I lost him. Maybe Mark was IT. Maybe I just need to get more comfortable with being alone. I guess practice makes perfect so I'll just keep practicing being alone. Maybe the sting of it will wear off over time and I'll become jaded and it won't hurt so much.

That's so sad. How do you not become jaded though? After going through what I have, how do you NOT lose heart and lose hope and lose that sense of innocence and romance? I don't know  I don't want it to happen but I feel things starting to turn. I wish life was like a Nicholas Sparks novel and a new, compassionate love will find me right when I think all hope is lost and we fall in love and spend the rest of our lives together. Where's my Noah? But it's not and my story is still unfinished. The end is left unwritten and I just have to wait and see.

Hugs from Heaven

I've been documenting this year. The good, the bad, & the ugly. One day I'll look back at these pictures and posts and feel... strong? Empowered? Favored? I'm not really sure what I'll feel but I never want to forget the journey. I'll never forget the pain, that's for sure. 

Today has been a rough day. I'm not exactly sure why. I felt great yesterday and this morning when I woke up I just felt... different. The lump in my throat was big. The weight on my shoulders, heavy. I showered to wash it off and go to work as normal but I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried to get breakfast, thinking maybe if I had something to eat and some coffee I'd feel better, but it was hard to swallow with the lump in my throat. I reached out to a friend and said, "I just need a hug," and the minute I hit send a coworker walked in and asked if she could give me a hug. What?!? I'm not making this up. She hugged me and said she just felt like I needed a hug. I broke down crying and she just held me and prayed over me. 

How fast was that?! I needed a hug and I got one immediately after making my needs known. And they kept coming all day long. Multiple coworkers hugged me and held me and prayed over me as they could see I was having a hard day. My heart, though sad and broken open today, was so full! I laughed through the tears and in between crying spells. I left work at 2, so thankful to be going home early. Instead of going home I went to church to sit in the prayer room as I often do. 

I've gone to the church prayer room many times. The only way in and out during the week is through the office. The office staff knows me because I frequently come and go. I wave when I'm coming in and they wave back from behind their desks and we usually exchange friendly niceties as I walk through the office to get to the prayer room. Every time it's no different. Until today. Today I walked through to office doors as usual but the office secretary met me in the foyer with open arms. She hugged me and I fell apart again and she just held me together as I fell to pieces again. How did she know? I wasn't crying. I had gotten it together while driving over there. Why did she come in the foyer to welcome me instead of being in her office as usual? How did she anticipate my needs before I walked in the door??

I held on tight and caught my breath and made my way to the prayer room. I sat at the foot of the cross and cried some more, and prayed, and listened to music, and read the Bible until I fell asleep for a few minutes. My alarm woke me and I needed to go pick up Bub from swim practice so I gathered my wits and my strength and headed back out into the world. 

I don't know why things happen. I ask and ask and ask but as faithful as God is, He hasn't given me any answers. But He has been there for me though it all. He's proven yet again that he sees me and hears me and he's listening and meeting my needs. My faith was getting weak. I was getting tired again. Grief and mourning is exhausting. I had started questioning WHY. Why did He take him? Why did my husband get to live a fun and carefree life and get to go Home while I (the thinker, planner, devout one) am left here to run this marathon of a race alone? Why does he get to go home and I don't yet? I had started to get homesick and was saying things like, 'I just want to go Home. I don't want to be here anymore. Why didn't you take me?' 

It's completely vulnerable and a little embarrassing to admit but it's the truth and I've always said I'd be transparent. This is me. This is grief. This is my life right now. There are good days and bad days. The good have started to outnumber the bad but the bad days still knock the wind out of me and leave my heart cut open. But thankfully, today, I had lots of hugs to hold me together. Thank you friends. Thank you God. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Love and hugs to you all. 

It feels so good to serve. I'm giving my heart away, giving my time, giving my money to others in need. I've always had a heart for serving others and would serve at church service on Sunday's but that was the extent of my serving. We occasionally went to help out with the homeless ministry in inner-city Fort Worth but that was it. I was married. My obligation was to my husband and family. I worked a full time job and then had to go home to cook dinner, help with homework, cook and clean and be a wife and mom. I didn't have much time for serving others and we didn't have much money to give.

Since losing Mark I've felt the need to up my contributions. I realize how short and futile life is and I want to help as much as I can while I'm here. Rather than be all about myself and fall into the pity pot I've chosen to get out of my own head and think about other people. How can I help other people? How can I be a blessing? 

Since January I've gotten back to tithing. I've given to the local food pantry, donated to the church missions, bought school supplies for kids in need during back to school, donated to Special Olympics, volunteered with our special needs baseball team, donated to breast cancer fight campaigns, sponsored a class at our private school, served in the tots room at church in the children's ministry, served as a greeter on Sundays,  and now volunteering for hurricane Harvey victims. And it doesn't stop here. It's amazing how you can feel the love of Christ flow through you when you help other people. It brings joy to my heart and fills me up when my cup is empty. 

It's true what they say.. when you feel broken and empty, don't look for what's missing and frantically seek to fill the void. Pour yourself out more and God will fill your cup. Yes you're broken. We all are in some way. Some of us have larger cracks in our jars of clay than others but the truth is, we're all broken. So let's be broken together. Let's come together to lift each other up and serve each other. Let's be broken and blessed and be a blessing to others despite our brokenness. 

Because the irony is that the more you become a blessing to others, the less broken you feel and the more you heal. 

It's true. I'm living proof.  I'm living proof that you can have your feet knocked out from under you, the breath knocked out of you, your world shift and change dramatically overnight, and your heart ripped from your chest and STILL survive and thrive. Losing my husband was the worst thing I've ever been through. It still is. It was the hardest thing I'll ever do and learning to live without him is a journey for sure. But I'm doing it. I'm taking the next step and the next step and walking on with purpose and passion.

I love my husband and I loved being his wife but that's not my ministry anymore. Maybe God has other plans for me right now. Maybe I'm not supposed to move forward with anybody because He has me being his hands and feet down here for a while. Maybe I'm supposed to give myself away and serve others while I'm single and have more free time on my hands. Maybe one day someone else with a servant's heart will come alongside me and run the race with me. Maybe not. Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I trust that I'm in the right place at the right time. Thank you Jesus.

Riding the waves

Today's sermon was about praying. The pastor likened prayer to surfing the raging swells of the sea. Through prayer God gives us the strength and wisdom that we need to ride the waves, not be taken under by them. OMG that is SO true! Mark's passing has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through and though I'm doing better there's not a day that goes by that I don't feel something related to him... sad about him not being here, or lonely, or angry about being alone and starting over, or scared, frustrated, discouraged. Every single day he is on my mind and in my heart but I know he's home, he's fine, it's me that struggles. The struggle is real, LOL. 

I pray every day, all the time. I pray without ceasing. I never understood that verse. I thought 'How can you pray without ceasing. Who has time for that? How do you get anything else done?' I didn't realize it didn't mean walk around praying silently all day, it meant pray in every circumstance, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It means to "pray with your eyes open" as my pastor put it. Talk to God and then look and listen for His reply. Pray with your eyes open.

I'm thankful that I've let Him in and we've developed the kind of relationship where I can pray and discern His voice and see his hand at work in my life and the lives of others. It didn't happen overnight. Like any relationship it takes time and patience and nurturing. It's communication, not one sided, you have to wait and listen and look for His response. I pray all the time. I pray in the morning, in the shower, in the car, when there are hiccups during the day, and when I go to bed at night. Some prayers are longer than others. Some prayers are for others and some are for myself. Some prayers are public and I post and share them because I think they may be the words that others need to say but can't find. And some prayers are more like painful screams, uncensored and unapologetic.

Whatever they are, they are deepening my relationship with my Father and strengthening my faith and are woven into the fabric of my life, not just said on Sunday mornings and they help me to ride out the waves of life. When my pastor said prayer is like the surfboard that lets you ride the waves I got it. It is! Without prayer you're just building sandcastles, busying yourself and stressing about the tide that will come wash them away and then busying yourself again to build them again. With prayer you are on top of the wave. This is SO true!  Prayer gives me peace during the storms. They remind me that He is here. HE reminds me that He is here. You can have that too. Just talk, and listen. Start there. You'll be amazed at how much you grow from there, how much your relationship grows and how you'll be able to hear him too. He's waiting and He's in the waiting. 

Before I started dating I prayed for God to help me guard my heart and protect me. It's pretty ironic (but then again it's not, it's all God) anyway it's crazy that every single time I get comfortable enough to take the next step (hold hands, a kiss goodnight, etc.) something comes up or plans change or the date gets cancelled and then the guys fade away as quickly as they came in. I have enough self-confidence and self-worth to know it's not me but it still sucks. But then I remember that's God. I asked him to protect me from wrongdoers and protect my heart from being used and broken. He's doing that. It's pretty cool actually. 

Then this morning as I was standing alone in church I look around me and notice husbands with their hands on their wives' backs or shoulders as we were standing in worship. I miss that. It's the little things. I started to get discouraged and tears welled up in my eyes and I started praying for peace and patience as I wait and for Him to still and steady my heart. Then our worship team sang my anthem right now: "Take Courage." Coincidence... nope. I hear you God. Recenter. Refocus. He's in the waiting. Serve while you wait. Pray without ceasing. Be broken and blessed and bless others. Got it. 

Thank you God for hearing my prayers and answering them in a way that's discernible so that I can share with the world how awesome and faithful you are. Thank you for your encouragement today and continue to help me to be strong and patient while I wait on your will. Lead me out onto the water and help me ride the waves of this life. I trust you and I will follow where you lead. Amen. 

Survive and Thrive

My motto for the first half of the year was "Breathe." It was all I could do when Mark passed and there were many times I had to remind myself to just breathe. Now I'm surviving all the firsts without him. I survived the first Valentine's Day without him, first birthday without him, first Father's Day, and now our first vacation without him.

I decided a couple months back that Bub and I needed a vacation after the year we've had so I booked a cruise for us. I knew I wanted to take a big trip but didn't feel safe taking him cross country on my own yet (the movie Taken kept replaying in my head). I figured a cruise was the safest way to go. I could check him in to the teen club and he could come and go as he pleases and hang with kids his own age but we could still eat together and do stuff together. The ship has cameras, security, and is self-contained and all-inclusive so I felt it was the best vacation for us to go on as a newly single mom.

The night before I was making sure the tags were on our luggage and all our documents were in order and I started to freak out a little. I was nervous about navigating the parking/cruise terminal and getting through embarkation on my own. Then I started to get nervous about the alone time I would have on the ship... what would I do when I was alone? Would I get lonely? I started to stress. I did everything I needed to do and talked to friends who assured me that I would be alright so I went to bed with that in my head. "I'll be alright. It'll be fun."

We made it to Galveston with time to spare. Traffic wasn't a bother and I was able to navigate there with no problems thanks to google maps. Issac rolled the big suitcase to be checked in by the stewards and I carried the carry-on bags and we made it through embarkation in about 30 minutes! That was a relief! Then we were on the ship and off to explore while we waited for our room to be ready and luggage to be delivered.

Day 1: Fun & full of excitement. We had lunch on the Lido (party) deck and checked out the schedule and made a plan for the night. We went swimming, got our teeth whitened at the spa, he went back out to the pool, and I had the best 2 hour full body massage EVER. I'm talkin hot seaweed wrap, shower, scalp massage/neck/shoulders/arms/fingers, legs/feet-reflexology, another shower, flip onto your stomach and she does a full body massage from the back, then flip and she does the full body from the front. It was A-MAZING. Well worth the money. She did say she was concerned about the stress knot I have in my neck/shoulderblade area...hmmm I wonder why? Note to self... get simple massages more regularly. Well the massage lasted longer than I expected and we missed dinner in the dining room so we had the buffet instead. Then we caught a PG comedy show and went our separate ways. He went to his teen club and I went to the adult comedy show. We met back up in the room around midnight. I survived Day 1.


Day 2: It was too much fun but it was also setting in that I was alone. Sitting out on the deck I did some people watching. Here's how my day went.

I need a poolchair....there's one, that's all I need. I'll just sandwich myself in between the skinny girl with a cute suit and the other skinny girl with a hot husband. Perfect! I'll take a Mojito please. Hmm, now what? There's lots of couples on the cruise. Newly married couples, boyfriend/girlfriend couples, couples that are getting engaged on the cruise/island, couples that have been married for years... I wanted to be married that long. Ugh. Another Mojito pelase! Oh look, they're selling gold jewelry over there, tax-free/duty-free, maybe I can find a gold ring guard for my emerald ring that Mark bought me. (I look down at my rings and get sad that there's not a wedding ring there). The girl to my right compliments my emerald ring so I tell her thanks, my husband bought it for my birthday since it's my birthstone. She asked if he stayed home so of course I had to tell her he passed and got the "Oh I'm so sorry" reply to which I just smiled and said thank you... another Mojito please! We got to talking and laughing and by the time time I knew it I was dancing on the deck! What sadness?? Alcohol makes me happy! By this time I was burnt to a crisp and had lost count of the Mojitos and my child, who I hadn't seen since around 10 am when he ditched me to run around with friends. I took that as my cue to leave. I survived my first day at sea alone.

I went back to the room to freshen up for dinner (which we didn't make it to by the way... thank you Mojitos). We brought plates back to our room and turned in early that night. Bub was tired from his day of running around and swimming and I spent my evening in and out of the cold shower to feel better.

Day 3: We woke up early to get a head start on the day. We had breakfast and then we were off to Playa del Carmen for our adventure excursion. We had so much fun tubing, snorkeling, zip-lining, but again, there was a hole in my heart and a frog in my throat at times. The constant thought, "Mark would've loved this" or "Mark would never do that" or "Mark would've done..." He's always there, always on my mind even if he's there at the back of my mind. That's just the way it is now. I've come to accept it. We had a blast and got back to the ship and had time to shower and rest before dinner. Bub and I had dinner in the dining room. He was excited to get to eat a fancy dinner and his face lit up when I told him he could order his own appetizer (not have to share a table appetizer) AND dessert. After dinner he went to hang out with friends and I went to the Love & Marriage show (kind of like the newlywed game but with 3 couples: newlyweds, a middle-of-the-road couple, and a long-lasting couple). It was super funny and I identified so much with it. I don't feel single. I still feel married. I laughed and answered the questions in my head as to what Mark would do/say. I felt the lump in my throat swelling again so I ordered... a glass of wine. NOT a Mojito! Not after yesterday. Well, in an auditorium full of people there's bound to be a mix-up. My wine never came :( Oh well, it's probably better that way. I went to the room and turned in for the night. It was after 11 anyway. I survived our day of adventures alone in Mexico!

     

             

Day 4: I woke up around 6 am as usual but made myself go back to sleep. Bub & I slept in until room service came and kicked us out at 11:30. We went to the Lido deck (I did NOT want to go out there in the sun again but that's where everything was happening) and had lunch. He ran into friends AGAIN and we went back to the room to change into our swimsuits and he ran off again. I laid out for a bit, you know, to even out the sunburn, and then got in the pool and people watched and drank pina coladas (something milder than Mojitos). A couple hours out there and I was over it. I went in and went to a show, then back to the room to shower and pack to leave tomorrow. Bub came back to the room around the same time I did and we laid in bed and watched movies all evening, until dinner. We had drinks at the lounge before dinner (he had a coke and I had a Jack & coke) and then we had dinner in the dining room again. After 4 days of running around I think we were both done so we went back to the room for more movies in bed.

Day 5: We woke up bright & early to get our stuff and get off the boat. We had one last breakfast before getting off the ship and making our way through the debarkation process. We made it through customs/border patrol, the shuttle, and found our car in the parking lot with no problem! I survived debarkation! Then we hit the road. I turned my music on and he slept... the whole way... like a true teenager.

When we got home I left all the bags in the car and plopped down on the bed, hugged my Mark pillow tight, pulled the covers over my head, and let it all out. It sucks coming home to nothingness, not having anybody missing you or thinking about you at home, not having anyone to tell all the details of your trip to. It sucks having to vacation alone as a single mom when you were a family just 9 months ago.

It sucks. I didn't ask for this but it is what it is and it's the only life we've got to live so we're making the best of it, even if it means surviving little moments one at a time. We survived. We thrived! We had fun and made memories that will last a lifetime. I loved seeing my boy smile and his face light up with every new experience, every new food he got to eat, sight he got to see. I loved hearing him say, "Thanks Mom, I love you!" I loved bonding with him and sharing a little more of myself with him on a personal level (not too much though, I'm still MOM). I did it. I survived our first family vacation as a family of 2. I feel empowered and exhausted all at the same time. I wish it was Sunday because I need church to refill me and refuel me for the week.

Who knows what this week will hold. It's the first week of school so tomorrow will be back to normal with parent drop-off and pick-ups, dinner, homework, and normal life. Wish us well as this is the first school year from start-to-finish where it's just the two of us. Hopefully he doesn't give me hell about homework the way he did last year when Mark had to get onto him. Hopefully he has his head on straight this year. There's going to be many more firsts without Dad around this year: band performances, homecoming dances, swim meets, etc. but we will survive...and we will thrive!. It's what we do. We are warriors!

Highs and Lows

As most of you know I have started dating. I find my peace in the Lord and have been comforted  and provided for and protected in so many ways but the one thing that's missing are strong arms to hold me.  I'm human. I'm a woman. I want to be wanted and loved and treasured. It's hard for me to reconcile my belief  that God is the husband to the widow and the father to the fatherless with the fact that he is not a physical being that can hug me back.  He sent his son to be a physical being but He has come and gone and I am following after him but I'm alone and that gets lonely sometimes. I am staying strong and standing firm in my faith and I'm standing on my own two feet in the meantime but I'm open to dating and relationships because I want to be loved again. My dating is not an attempt to fill a void or replace my husband but at the same time there is a void and an emptiness that can't be filled, only understood. I just want someone who understands loss and is still interested in me and wants to spend time with me.

I went on a date yesterday with someone new. I was excited about going on the date.  I don't know if it's because we share the same cultural background and that made me feel more comfortable or if it's because  I had already gone on a few dates so I was more comfortable. Either way I went into the date feeling excited and confident. I was still a little nervous, not knowing what he would be like in person, his personality, etc. but things actually went really well. We met at a restaurant and had dinner and the conversation flowed easily. I was able to joke and laugh and be myself and he seemed as if he was comfortable and being himself as well. He was funny without trying too hard. He was a gentleman. He was attentive and interested in getting to know me and my story. He complemented me, which was nice. He seemed as if he was into me which was nice because I would like to know more about him. We hit it off and I left the date feeling optimistic and excited and on a high.

Today, however, I came crashing down. I realize that I am good with going on dates.  I am good at going on dates. I'm personable, kind of funny, a little outgoing, and I'm good company. I'm good AT going on dates.  And I'm good at being a wife. It's the in between area that I'm finding that I struggle with. I don't know how to date. I don't know how to start over from square one  and not let my heart run ahead. I don't know how to just chill and let things happen without wondering about where the relationship or friendship is going. I'm a good wife and considering the fact that I'm not married anymore and I'm not sure that I want to remarry, I'd be a good girlfriend.  I'm good with that, being a good girlfriend, but getting from point A to point B is hard for me. It's hard for me to not be ALL IN. I usually have a pretty good sense about people, pretty good judgment of character and  motives, and I trust my gut. So if I agree to a date it's because I saw something,  potential, and weeded out the rest of Bozos. So if things go well I find myself wanting to run ahead, go at warp speed, and be ALL IN. I have to remind myself that I'm starting over from the beginning. I'm not used to being at the beginning.

So during my lows, when I'm questioning motives and my actions (Does he like me? Should I text/call? Will he think I'm too pushy? If I don't will he think I'm not interested? on and on and on), I have to center myself. Since I find my center in Christ I read my Christian dating/waiting book (Lady in Waiting) and then turn on my Christian music and do some bible journaling. It helps me calm my anxious heart. I suck at waiting. I suck at being patient in this situation. I have the patience of Job but when it comes to relationships I suck at being patient. It's hard to be patient and be grateful for the baby steps when you once had it all. But I will do my best.

Lord thank you for your grace and the peace and comfort you bring to steady my heart. Help me to seek you in the stillness and be with you while I'm waiting because you are in the waiting season with me. I am not alone. I pray that you will bring a good man into my life and that I will be ready for him when you send him to me. Until then I pray that you will help me guard my heart during the dating highs and calm my anxious heart during the dating lows. Bless us, forgive us, and protect us all and be with the soldiers, the sick, the poor, & the hungry. I pray all this in Christ's name. Amen.

Being a Lady of Contentment

A couple months ago I felt myself coming back to life since losing Mark. When I lost him I went into  shut down mode. My body wanted to shut down, my brain shut down, my heart shut down. It was hard to care for myself, much less my son or anyone else. Thank God my mom was here to care for him during those first couple weeks. After she left I had to push myself to get out of bed and take him to school and go to work. I had to push myself through each moment of each day. It was hard.

Every day I would wake up sad, not looking forward to the day because it was another day without my love. If you've never experienced loss there's no way you can fully understand but it's horrible. You don't want to go to bed because those are quiet times when the world stands still and that's is excruciating when you're grieving. And if you have to go to bed in an empty bed it's even worse. Then there's the insomnia and you can't sleep so you battle with sleep all night and finally doze off to catch those few hours that elude you. Then the alarm goes off and you wake up to immediate heartbreak and disappointment that slaps you in the face as you wake up alone to face another day without your person. It's HARD to say the least.

I fought the fight day in and day out and realized a couple months ago that it was getting easier to enjoy the day. I woke up thinking about work, not immediately depressed about being alone. I started making plans again and I could actually stick to them and not flake out to cry in my room. I felt like I was coming back to myself, coming back to life again. He was breathing life back into me.

Then I started thinking about my future again and that scared me. When I was with Mark I thought about our future together. We made plans. We had dreams. When he passed all those dreams and plans were crushed. I couldn't see past the moment much less make weekend plans or think about what my new future would hold. But then I found myself thinking about the future again. I found myself feeling sad about not being a wife and not belonging to anyone anymore. I found myself feeling lost and confused and scared at the thought of dating. So what do I do when I'm feeling this way? I turn to the word. And when I don't know where to look in the Bible I go to the Christian bookstore and look for books to guide me.

So one afternoon in June I sat cross-legged on the floor in the aisle of the Lifeway store, thumbing through books about widowhood, grieving, dating again, dating, praying for your future husband, etc.  I was starting to get discouraged because I couldn't find a book that spoke to my needs, but then I found this one: Lady in Waiting, Becoming Gods Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. Hmm... I want to become God's best. And I am in waiting for what's next. So I thumbed through it and decided to make the purchase.

Let me just say that this book is great! It takes the focus off finding a man, stressing about finding a man or dating or being sexy enough, witty enough, flirty enough, etc. It turns your focus to God and on what you can do to better yourself for Him and love according to His will and trust that He will send you someone if that's what He has planned for you. It's about being your best self so that if you do have someone come into your life you can be your best for them and with them. I can't do the book justice, you'll just have to pick it up and read it for yourself. It's great for young singles, those that are divorced or single again, and it's even ministering to me and I'm widowed and suddenly-single again.

I'm currently in chapter 8, Lady of Contentment: learning to be content with life and finding joy in each day regardless of circumstance. This one paragraph speaks so loudly to me because it confirms that I'm on the right track in handling things since being thrust into the suddenly-single world. Regardless of whether I'm dating or not, I've tried to be content and I have chosen joy every day since losing Mark. Some days it's been harder than others but I make a point to try and be content and give praise to God regardless of my circumstances.

"Whether married or single (or widowed in my case), one must learn that it is Jesus who strengthens you to walk in the most dismal or delightful of circumstances. True contentment is learned. You are not born with it, and you cannot buy it at one of Kmart's blue-light specials. Your classroom for learning is your daily life. Every shattered dream or unfulfilled expectation serves as a perfect opportunity to learn contentment. The circumstances are your classroom assignments for learning the mystery of contentment. Learning contentment requires complete dependence upon Jesus, for difficult circumstances without the strength of Jesus can rob you of potential contentment." ~ Jackie Kendall, Lady in Waiting #choosejoy #ladyinwaiting 

Sure my dreams have been shattered and my life has been turned upside down, but I'm just going to keep on keepin on. I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing, pouring myself out into others and into my passions and my calling and keep living in each moment and finding contentment in each day. It's a process and a choice. Every day you have a choice to have a good day, or not.

Whether you're going through loss or just going through a different kind of struggle, look up. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Don't let your circumstances or your past define you but let it teach you. Life is a lesson learned. Learn contentment. Love and peace to you all!
❤️ Cassi