I’m broken now. I wasn’t before but when my world cracked and shifted like the tectonic plates below the surface of an earthquake something in me shifted too. I miss my husband something fierce and I long for the day when I can go home to heaven and be with him again. I’m secretly jealous of those that pass before me, especially when I know they’ll be reunited with their husband/wife in heaven. How beautiful that must be to run into their arms again and be led to the feet of our Savior together! I can only imagine. I’m homesick.
I’m homesick in the kind of way that a kid is at summer camp. They have fun during the day and enjoy the experience and make memories but they long to be home with their loved ones. They have trouble sleeping at night when everything gets quiet and still and they realize how small they are in the world, how alone they feel. They’re surrounded by other campers, kids their age, but they still feel so alone. That’s when they start to cry and want to call home, if not GO home.
I’m THAT kid at summer camp. I’m to the point in my journey that I’m experiencing life little by little again and I’m smiling and learning how to live again but when all the world is sleeping my mind races and my heart aches to be home in heaven with my hubby. I secretly wish I could just be done with this life already and get to go home too. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way or thinking that way. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, don’t call the suicide prevention hotline on me. I’m not taking steps for it to happen, I’m just fine with it if it does. Not that I have a choice in the matter, but you understand what I’m saying.
Losing someone close to you makes you face your own mortality and answer some hard questions. Are you ready to go today if He calls you home? My answer is Heck Yeah! Something I’m struggling with is taking measures to prolong life if something was to happen to me. If I got cancer or was in an accident... do I want to jump through hoops and go through the ringer or just live out my numbered days and accept God’s plan and go home if that’s the case? Do I sign a DNR? I want to, but then again I have a son, who will eventually grow up to have kids of his own, my grandkids. Do I want to miss that? Do I prolong life or prolong heaven??
I don’t want to prolong going to heaven. I want to go home! I’m so homesick. I wonder if those that go before us can relay messages to our loved ones in heaven, like a phone call from summer camp? Mark’s Grandma just passed. I wonder if he was there to greet her along with his grandpa, her husband, who passed a long time ago. I wonder if she heard me whisper in her ear to give my Marky a hug and a kiss for me and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I wonder if he got the message. Who knows!?! All I know is they’re there and I’m not yet and that makes me a little jealous. God forgive me for being jealous or envious. I’m just broken now, maybe I’m becoming a little jaded, and I want to go home. “I’ve never been more homesick than now.”
I debated whether or not to decorate the house for the holidays this year. It’s so hard going on with things and celebrating when my heart is still broken and a big piece of our lives is missing. But I decided to decorate, even if it is low-key, because I am still here, living, breathing, and serving others and that’s worth something. So I started thinking of all the things I’m thankful for and I made a list.
I’m thankful that I got the chance to love, really love, & be loved like I did.
I’m thankful that I had a husband that helped me show my son how to be a good man.
I’m thankful that I was able to experience God’s love and mercy and forgiveness in my husband’s arms, in a tangible way.
I’m thankful that he let me love him & lead him through this life and that he loved me until he left this earth.
I’m thankful that God has been with me through it all, before, during, and after. He’s been my protector and provider and has made His presence known so that I have peace in a very difficult time.
I’m thankful for my friends and family, my tribe, who have been there for me in more ways than I can mention.
I’m thankful for the people who have been constants in my life and have always been my safe place to land.
I’m thankful for God’s provision and for blessing me with the ability to pass my licensing boards this time last year. It’s allowed me to provide for my son and I and not have to make any lifestyle changes after losing Mark. We’ve had to change so much already.
I’m thankful for my work family. They’ve prayed over me, prayed with me, prayed for me, hugged me, heard me, made me laugh, supported me, and given me purpose.
I’m thankful for Tindell, my boss. Words can’t say enough about this woman. She has a heart of gold and gives unselfishly and is superwoman! I look up to her so much and am so thankful she brought me into the family.
I’m thankful for my parents who are always there, no more than a phone call away. I gave ‘em hell growing up but they never gave up on me. They’ve always supported me, loved me, pushed me, praised me, and made me the woman I am today. I don’t know what I would do without them.
I’m thankful for my sweet son. He’s such a good boy and doesn’t give me any problems (for the most part). He’s a teenager but he’s the most affectionate, wise, considerate 13 year old I know. He’s been through a lot and is still getting his bearings and learning how to be a man without a man in the house to look up to, but he’ll get it. We’ll figure it out and come out on the other side of this stronger and smarter.
I’m thankful for my church family, both in Mansfield @ TCAL and here @.Vista. They’ve done a great job of preaching and teaching and being a place of comfort and strength. I spend time in the prayer room often and find peace there, sitting at the foot of the cross.
I’m thankful for my GriefShare group and “feather friends,” others who have lost a loved one and suffer with me. We’re like birds of a feather, we flock together. They get me. We get each other.
I’m thankful for my ministry. I prayed a few years ago that God would lead me to be a good teacher to others and give me the words and the platform to lead others to Christ. He did. Although it’s not exactly the way I wanted things to go, I’m accepting my mission and bringing God the glory through it all. Where you go, I go. Lead the way Lord. Lead me to lead them.
I’m thankful for my gifts. I’ve been told I have the gift of being a good writer.and speaker and that my story and testimony have touched others. Thank you God for allowing me to use my gifts to do your work. I pray that you make clear to me what you want me to do next.
I’m thankful that I’m learning to live again. I’m thankful that I can dance without crying and talk about my sweet husband with a smile on my face now.
I’m thankful that I’m able to breathe again. I used to feel like I was drowning, always coming up gasping for air, but these days I feel like I’m either swimming or walking on water. There are days that I take my eyes of Jesus and I start to sink and drown again but He reaches out his hand and pulls me back up again and I’m able to catch my breath again. Thank God I can breathe!
I’m thankful for my kiddos (clients). They give me purpose and bring me joy. They’re the reason I survived after losing Mark. They didn’t know what was going on but they saw me sad and gave me hugs, brought me stuffed animals, and just sat with me quietly. It was the sweetest thing. I love my kiddos!
I’m thankful that I’ve figured out the meaning of life and I still have more than half my life left to live. Notice I haven’t said I’m thankful for my house or car or material things. It’s because none of that matters! What matters is how you treat people and how you live, how you serve, WHO you serve. I used to want the car, the kids, the house with the white picket fence. Well my life didn’t go that way. I got divorced after a turmoltuous first marriage, married Mark & then he got laid off when the plant shut down. We struggled with infertility, and financially, and couldn’t buy the house of my dreams. I was spinning my wheel like a hamster in a cage. It’s exhausting when you’re living outside of your means and aren’t satisfied with what you have or where you are in life. Mark taught me how to LIVE and over the course of our marriage I learned how to trust and let go and enjoy life, though I never could let go as much as he did. So I’m thankful for what he taught me and for gaining perspective & wisdom at such a young age so I don’t have to keep running the rat race. I can enjoy life, which is a blessing.
I’m thankful that the hard times have taught me more about myself and strengthened my relationship with God. I’ve seen Him more clearly and I’m not sure that would’ve happened if I was living high on the hill, blissfully unaware. So as much as it hurts and as hard as it is, I’m thankful that I’m making my way through it, even if I am walking through mud sometimes.
Finally, I’m thankful for new beginnings. I get the chance to begin again each morning. Most days are exhausting and tears are shed on a daily basis but I close my eyes at night and get to wake up to a fresh start each morning. Maybe one day it won’t hurt so bad. Maybe someday love will find me again and I’ll start my new beginning with another great love. Who knows? For now I’ll just be thankful for the new beginnings brought on by each sunrise.
So even though it hurts like hell there’s always something to be thankful for.
Before I started dating in July I talked to my husband in heaven and I prayed to God to help me guard my already broken and fragile heart. I asked that He would send me a man who was a good man, one with good qualities, someone who would run this race alongside me with endurance. Since then He’s made good on His promise to protect me.
I dated a guy for a month and when I was at the point of wrapping my mind around making it to 1st base (I hadn’t even allowed that at first) he lost interest and moved on. Then there was J. We had a good connection and a lot in common. We actually kissed a few times and there were butterflies and I started to look forward to his calls and texts. And then one day he said, “it’s not you, it’s me,” and he disappeared. I took it as another crisis averted, although that one stung a little. Since then I’ve tried to find peace and wholeness in myself and in God and if I’m asked out on a date then I’ll go but I’m not actively seeking it out or stressing about being alone... as much.
Well He did it again. I wasn’t seeking anything out. I’ve been talking to someone and we had planned to go out tonight. I really enjoy his company and our conversations and my mind began to think there might be something more to this. It might be a road worth going down. But then something came up and he had to cancel. I could look at it as a coincidence, just an unfortunate inconvenience, but I’m thinking God is protecting me yet again. I’ve seen the red flags with all of them but I choose to see the best in people and give the benefit of the doubt and I’ve ignored the red flags. Maybe God knows my weakness and He knows I’m not strong enough to call it quits once we start dating so He’s removing them from my path before I get in too deep. He knows I’m lonely and may not have the best judgement right now so He’s helping me out.
At least that’s what I choose to believe. Ask and it shall be granted. I prayed and trusted that He would supply all my needs and He would protect me and He is. Sometimes things don’t work out but it all all being woven together and worked for my good. It’s all good.
Last week’s sermon was on forgiveness. We read the book of Philemon and learned about God’s grace and forgiveness and our duty as Christians to forgive. We know this, right? Well the action step for us last week was to seek forgiveness from others. I’ve done a pretty good job of that along the course of my life. I even asked my ex for forgiveness a year AFTER we divorced, when I was finally ready. The only person I felt I needed forgiveness from is no longer here to forgive me. So I prayed about it and I talked to friends and decided to write my Mark a letter, seeking his forgiveness. It’s stuff I already talked to him about during those first days and months after his passing. I’ve asked for his forgiveness over and over since January 6th but I keep asking. Maybe it’s me who needs to forgive myself. OOH REVELATION!!!
Anyway this week’s sermon was on forgiving others. I knew this sermon was coming so I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what would be asked of me. As a Christian I know what I’m supposed to do, but as a person, a woman who lost her husband to drinking and driving, I wasn’t prepared to forgive yet. Immediately after the accident, within the first two or three days, I reached out to his friends that he was with him that night and told them it wasn’t their fault and that he wouldn’t want them to blame themselves. I said all this, and I meant it, but I didn’t realize at the time that I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, on his behalf basically.
After the funeral I felt myself becoming more angry with them. They were his best friends, they were supposed to look out for him. I felt like they influenced him in a negative way and they didn’t support his growth, our marriage, or me as his wife who only wanted the best for him. I was always made into the bad guy, the nagging wife, the ball and chain, trying to act like his mama or rain on his parade. Over the years they called me names, said I was stuck up for not wanting to be a part of that scene, said I was trying to change him. Maybe I was in a sense. I was trying to help him change the bad parts and grow into the best version of himself, the man I always knew he could be.
I have been harboring bitterness and unforgiveness towards them since the accident. Not once have they reached out to me, no text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook texts or messages. They haven’t stopped by to check on us or to see him, his urn, his memorial. I will admit that I unfriended them on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see their lives going on when mine had been ruined, the love of my life so quickly and drastically taken away. It was too hard and I was bitter. Over the course of this year I have felt myself working through all the emotions associated with grief and loss. I’m processing everything and learning how to live again. I’m learning how to let go of regret, all the shoulda, coulda, woulda‘s from that night. I feel myself getting closer to being able to forgive them.
So after the sermon this week I met with the pastor and asked, “How do I know when I’m there? How do I know when I’m ready to actually say the words to them, I forgive you.” I’m past the anger stage and the bitterness stage, and I don’t wish anything bad on them nor do I want to seek revenge. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I pray for them. But does that mean I’m ready to forgive them? And if so, how do I do that? What do I say? What does that mean as far as a relationship goes? Do we have to be friends? My pastor said that my obligation as a Christian who has been forgiven is to forgive those who have sinned against me and to seek reconciliation but it’s okay to have boundaries. He said that I should just pray about it and ask God to make it clear to me what I am to do. He challenged me to pray for them every day this week.
This morning as I was on my way to work I was talking to God, like I normally do. I prayed for them this morning and then I asked God how I was supposed to make this happen. How can I forgive them after they encouraged him and directly caused his excessive drinking that night which caused the accident? I know he was a grown man, no one had to force him to drink, he did it to himself, but he was a social drinker. He was the life of the party and everybody loved “Good Time Mark.” Nobody stood in his way over the years. Nobody told him enough was enough. Nobody reminded him that he had a good thing at home and he needed to go home instead of the bar. I asked God “How can I fogive them when they were part of the problem?” And right then and there he put it on my heart. I heard him say, “How could they help him when they can’t even help themselves in that area? Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I remember Christ on the cross pleading to God to forgive those that were crucifying him, AS they were crucifying him. It was during this conversation with God this morning that I realized, they may have been part of the problem but they are battling the same demons that he was, caught in the same parterns. No wonder they never spoke truth to him, they don’t know it for themselves. But when you know better, you do better. So I acknowledged that I heard him loud and clear and said “OK Lord you’ve told me what I need to do, now lead me to do it and give me the words.”
I went about my day and rushed from work to my grief share meeting after work. I already completed the grief share program at the beginning of the year but I’m going through it a second time just because it helps. But because this is my second go-round, my attendance has been spotty. I’ve only gone to about three meetings. I am in a better place now and I don’t need it as much as I did during the initial weeks and months. I hadn’t been to a grief share meeting in the last three weeks but decided that today I was going to go. I walked in and wouldn’t you know the seminar was about forgiveness. Again, “OK Lord I hear you loud and clear.” So I’m certain I know what I need to do.
I came home and wrote a letter to Mark and asked for forgiveness for all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed him, especially that night. And then I forgave him for leaving me, for choosing his friends and the party lifestyle over me sometimes, for letting his demons control his behavior sometimes. I forgive him for everything because I love him. And then I told him what I would say to his friends, given the opportunity. I’m going to try to reach out to them. They may hang up on me or slam the door in my face, but I feel like they need to hear it from me that I forgive them and that I understand. I understand that they didn’t mean for it to happen and that if they could take it all back they would because they loved him too. I know how bad it hurts and how heavily guilt weighs on your shoulders. I know the burden that they’re bearing. I’m telling them to lay it down. I wish things could’ve been different but they’re not and they are not completely to blame and I realize that now. I recognize the struggles that they face: the same struggles he did, and now the struggle for peace, the struggle with guilt, the struggle for forgiveness. I see them, I feel their pain, I hear their hearts, & I forgive them.
If you’re reading this... I forgive you. Mark loved you and I love you. Don’t let him go in vain. When you know better, you do better. Do better. Live better. Love harder. Try harder. Do better. It’s all we can do, just try to do better every day and be obedient to our Father in Heaven. I’m trying and I hope you’ll accept my forgiveness and live free in the grace and peace that only comes from knowing Him and walking with Him. I’m free and I’m forgiven and now I forgive you.
I went on a date to the movies tonight... with myself. I never thought I'd go to dinner by myself or go to the movies by myself but I'm doing a lot more these days than I ever thought I could. I used to be so self-conscious about going places alone. I couldn't even go shopping alone when I was in my early 20s but then I grew up and gained confidence over the years. But dinner and a movie, that's different. Those are things you do with other people, typically. Not this girl. I'm transparent and share my story online but in reality I have a few close friends that I actually spend time with. Well tonight my friends had plans so it was just me. So I went to the movies alone.
Being alone gives you a lot of time to think. And I'm always in my head. I'm very self-aware. I think about my future. What will become of me? I have the capacity to love with my whole heart because that's how I am. I give everything at the risk of getting hurt because I feel like it's worth it. I can become invested in somebody that's real and wants ME. All of me. But therein lies the problem.
I'm not sure I'm the dating kind. I'm not the superficial, positive Patty all the time. If you know me you know I'm very positive and optimistic but I'm also REAL. I want the chance to be real with someone and not be judged for it and in the dating world being REAL equates to DRAMA. At least that's what I've gathered. They all want someone who's fun and enjoys traveling and doesn't have the baggage that I have. It's all so superficial!
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm generalizing and grouping all men together but that's how it seems. They want thin, athletic, beautiful, fun, happy-go-lucky women. I don't even know if it matters to have a brain or a career. I'm thinking personality trumps brains. I could be wrong. It's just the vibe I get.
Dating is daunting. I don't think I have what it takes. I'm a positive person but sometimes I'm not. I'm fun and I love doing things but I'm not athletic and toned and beautiful. I don't cross fit. I'm smart, kinda nerdy, a little socially awkward, sensitive, analytical, and emotional. Not in the short fuse kind of way but in the wear my heart on my sleeve kind of way. I don't eat organic and I indulge in the sweeter things like donuts and ice cream and chocolate. And I don't feel guilty one bit!
I am ME and once upon a time he loved me and I liked me. Now I feel like I'm too much. Either I'm too much or I'm not enough. I feel like I'm not enough for the confident, athletic, career types because they want freakin Barbie! And I'm not that. At all. I'm just me. And I want somebody who likes ME and wants to get to know me and spend time with me. I want someone who has the ability to love me, not this superficial crap.
I'm not sure the man I'm wanting is out there. Maybe I had that and I lost him. Maybe Mark was IT. Maybe I just need to get more comfortable with being alone. I guess practice makes perfect so I'll just keep practicing being alone. Maybe the sting of it will wear off over time and I'll become jaded and it won't hurt so much.
That's so sad. How do you not become jaded though? After going through what I have, how do you NOT lose heart and lose hope and lose that sense of innocence and romance? I don't know I don't want it to happen but I feel things starting to turn. I wish life was like a Nicholas Sparks novel and a new, compassionate love will find me right when I think all hope is lost and we fall in love and spend the rest of our lives together. Where's my Noah? But it's not and my story is still unfinished. The end is left unwritten and I just have to wait and see.
I've been documenting this year. The good, the bad, & the ugly. One day I'll look back at these pictures and posts and feel... strong? Empowered? Favored? I'm not really sure what I'll feel but I never want to forget the journey. I'll never forget the pain, that's for sure.
Today has been a rough day. I'm not exactly sure why. I felt great yesterday and this morning when I woke up I just felt... different. The lump in my throat was big. The weight on my shoulders, heavy. I showered to wash it off and go to work as normal but I couldn't shake the feeling. I tried to get breakfast, thinking maybe if I had something to eat and some coffee I'd feel better, but it was hard to swallow with the lump in my throat. I reached out to a friend and said, "I just need a hug," and the minute I hit send a coworker walked in and asked if she could give me a hug. What?!? I'm not making this up. She hugged me and said she just felt like I needed a hug. I broke down crying and she just held me and prayed over me.
How fast was that?! I needed a hug and I got one immediately after making my needs known. And they kept coming all day long. Multiple coworkers hugged me and held me and prayed over me as they could see I was having a hard day. My heart, though sad and broken open today, was so full! I laughed through the tears and in between crying spells. I left work at 2, so thankful to be going home early. Instead of going home I went to church to sit in the prayer room as I often do.
I've gone to the church prayer room many times. The only way in and out during the week is through the office. The office staff knows me because I frequently come and go. I wave when I'm coming in and they wave back from behind their desks and we usually exchange friendly niceties as I walk through the office to get to the prayer room. Every time it's no different. Until today. Today I walked through to office doors as usual but the office secretary met me in the foyer with open arms. She hugged me and I fell apart again and she just held me together as I fell to pieces again. How did she know? I wasn't crying. I had gotten it together while driving over there. Why did she come in the foyer to welcome me instead of being in her office as usual? How did she anticipate my needs before I walked in the door??
I held on tight and caught my breath and made my way to the prayer room. I sat at the foot of the cross and cried some more, and prayed, and listened to music, and read the Bible until I fell asleep for a few minutes. My alarm woke me and I needed to go pick up Bub from swim practice so I gathered my wits and my strength and headed back out into the world.
I don't know why things happen. I ask and ask and ask but as faithful as God is, He hasn't given me any answers. But He has been there for me though it all. He's proven yet again that he sees me and hears me and he's listening and meeting my needs. My faith was getting weak. I was getting tired again. Grief and mourning is exhausting. I had started questioning WHY. Why did He take him? Why did my husband get to live a fun and carefree life and get to go Home while I (the thinker, planner, devout one) am left here to run this marathon of a race alone? Why does he get to go home and I don't yet? I had started to get homesick and was saying things like, 'I just want to go Home. I don't want to be here anymore. Why didn't you take me?'
It's completely vulnerable and a little embarrassing to admit but it's the truth and I've always said I'd be transparent. This is me. This is grief. This is my life right now. There are good days and bad days. The good have started to outnumber the bad but the bad days still knock the wind out of me and leave my heart cut open. But thankfully, today, I had lots of hugs to hold me together. Thank you friends. Thank you God. Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try to get some sleep. Love and hugs to you all.
It feels so good to serve. I'm giving my heart away, giving my time, giving my money to others in need. I've always had a heart for serving others and would serve at church service on Sunday's but that was the extent of my serving. We occasionally went to help out with the homeless ministry in inner-city Fort Worth but that was it. I was married. My obligation was to my husband and family. I worked a full time job and then had to go home to cook dinner, help with homework, cook and clean and be a wife and mom. I didn't have much time for serving others and we didn't have much money to give.
Since losing Mark I've felt the need to up my contributions. I realize how short and futile life is and I want to help as much as I can while I'm here. Rather than be all about myself and fall into the pity pot I've chosen to get out of my own head and think about other people. How can I help other people? How can I be a blessing?
Since January I've gotten back to tithing. I've given to the local food pantry, donated to the church missions, bought school supplies for kids in need during back to school, donated to Special Olympics, volunteered with our special needs baseball team, donated to breast cancer fight campaigns, sponsored a class at our private school, served in the tots room at church in the children's ministry, served as a greeter on Sundays, and now volunteering for hurricane Harvey victims. And it doesn't stop here. It's amazing how you can feel the love of Christ flow through you when you help other people. It brings joy to my heart and fills me up when my cup is empty.
It's true what they say.. when you feel broken and empty, don't look for what's missing and frantically seek to fill the void. Pour yourself out more and God will fill your cup. Yes you're broken. We all are in some way. Some of us have larger cracks in our jars of clay than others but the truth is, we're all broken. So let's be broken together. Let's come together to lift each other up and serve each other. Let's be broken and blessed and be a blessing to others despite our brokenness.
Because the irony is that the more you become a blessing to others, the less broken you feel and the more you heal.
It's true. I'm living proof. I'm living proof that you can have your feet knocked out from under you, the breath knocked out of you, your world shift and change dramatically overnight, and your heart ripped from your chest and STILL survive and thrive. Losing my husband was the worst thing I've ever been through. It still is. It was the hardest thing I'll ever do and learning to live without him is a journey for sure. But I'm doing it. I'm taking the next step and the next step and walking on with purpose and passion.
I love my husband and I loved being his wife but that's not my ministry anymore. Maybe God has other plans for me right now. Maybe I'm not supposed to move forward with anybody because He has me being his hands and feet down here for a while. Maybe I'm supposed to give myself away and serve others while I'm single and have more free time on my hands. Maybe one day someone else with a servant's heart will come alongside me and run the race with me. Maybe not. Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I trust that I'm in the right place at the right time. Thank you Jesus.
