What does that mean? For the longest time I thought it meant be still in action. I couldn't understand how one was supposed to stop pursuing dreams or asking God for what they wanted. How could you just be satisfied with things as they are without wanting more or working for more? How could you be still?? And what's with the last part of the verse "... and know that I am God." I know who you are God, what does being still have to do with it? I never quite understood that verse... until now.
Being still isn't a state of being it's a state of mind. It's a stillness of spirit, a peacefulness within, the assurance inside that tells you everything will be okay and will work out because God is in control. That's what the last part means. "Know that I am God" and I can handle all things and do all things and work all things for your good.'
I finally feel at peace and a gentle stillness inside. Although I'm not still in action I'm still in spirit and I'm confident and sure of myself again. Last year was hard and I got the rug ripped out from under me in an instant. I lost my footing and lost my confidence but it has slowly come back over time and is now rooted in Christ so it's gentle yet firm, not a flaky confidence that crumbles easily.
I know what I want. I also know what I had and I'll always cherish that. And if I never have that again I'm fine with that now. But that is what I want. I want to have love like that again, or something like it. So in this season of waiting I will be still in spirit and know that God will provide.
But I won't be still in action. I have plans for this new year. My list of goals for 2018 are...
1) Decide on getting a second master's or not
2) Join a volunteer organization in my community
3) Finish my CEUs
4) Finish writing my book
5) Lose 20 lbs (to start)
6) Buy a house
7) Mark's Star trip
8) Dance again!
9) Stomp grapes
10) Go skydiving (iFly first)
11) Play tennis more
12) Go camping
13) Bourbon trail girls trip
14) Disney world
15) Host more game/karaoke nights
16) Get a tattoo
17) Decorate Mark's bar on the patio
18) Finish my 2017 photo books
19) Buy my own kayak
20) Ride a bike again
I used to not be able to sleep without you here in bed with me. I would wait up for you to come home. I always worried about you... If you were okay. If you were safe. If you were coming home. I couldn't sleep. If only I could sleep.
I always tried to wait for you but the hours would tick by. I would fall asleep but never for long. I'd wake, stretch my arm to reach for you, Check your side of the bed. Check the time. Check my phone. I couldn't sleep. If only I could sleep.
I never could really sleep without you here in bed with me. But I've learned how to live... With an empty bed, And an empty house. And empty arms.
Now I don't have to worry about where you are. I don't have to worry if you're safe. I don't have to wait up or worry if you're coming home. I know you're not.
I can sleep peacefully because I know... You are already home. And you're safe. And you're in good hands.
We're going on a year since Mark moved to heaven. What a difference a year makes! I don't know who came up with the notion that a year is adequate time to grieve, there's no time limit or order to processing grief, but there is something to it. I can say I'm doing a lot better than I was 9, 6, even 3 months ago.
There's something about coming up to the year anniversary that shifts things a little. The sting of it is not as strong. The hole in my heart is still there and the loneliness is still there but it's not as crippling. I don't feel suffocated by my grief like I used to. I'm learning to live again, learning to live with the vacancy left by my sweet husband. I'm settling in to my solitude and leaning in to my calling.
When Mark passed I remember making the choice to be the light. It was in those initial days after his passing, before the funeral. I was heartbroken in the worst way. I couldn't breathe, couldn't function, I just kept cursing and drinking to numb the pain. Just recalling that night brings me to tears. It was horrible. But in those initial gut- wrenching moments I felt a tiny sense of peace and the calling to "be a lighthouse" to others in a storm. I responded. I chose to be obedient. I chose to be the light.
Everything I post on social media is purposeful. I didn't over-share because I have no filter. I share because I'm being transparent, because I'm being a lighthouse for those that come behind me. I heard the call and I answered and I hope that I've helped at least one person deal with grief or life's troubles, or treasure life maybe a little bit more than they used to.
We, as a society, don't know how to deal with loss or delayed gratification, and we definitely don't know how to deal with grief. We are so used to having it all, or at least having the ability to get it. We don't like when things are taken from us. We don't like to lose. We give every kid on the team a trophy because we don't want to hurt their feelings. We shield our kids from death and dying because it's sad and sometimes not pretty. We shield them because it hurts deeply and that's scary. So we, as kids, grow up to fear death and when it happens to us we don't know how to deal with it. We've never HAD to. We've never been taught. In other countries they know heartache. They don't have access to medical care or basic essentials like we do and they fall ill and die, or in some countries are murdered, so death is a way of life. They accept it and deal with it and move forward. They honor the dead. We hide from it. We mask it with pills or drugs or alcohol or sex or any other "poison." We don't process and grieve in a healthy way.
I was called to be the light, to be a lighthouse in the storm. In my own pain I surrendered to God and my calling and shared my journey every step of the way. I don't know what's next for me. I feel a strong pulling at my heart to give more of myself to His work. I don't know if that will be stepping out in leadership at church, or writing a book, or speaking publicly. I don't know what that looks like, I'm still waiting on leadership from God to know where to step next, I just know it's happening.
I've felt the calling slowly over the years and then all at once. I've grown in my faith exponentially this past year. But it didn't all happen in one year. When I look back at memories or Facebook posts or think back I am reminded of prayers that I wrote down or dreams that I had that now seem more prophetic in nature than random dreams. Like the dream I had in 2013 (?) when I raised my hands in worship and was being pulled up to heaven. Or the prayer I prayed for God to help me lead and teach others and give me a platform and the words to say (I prayed and posted this prayer back in 2013). Or the blog posts I wrote in years past. All of these things seem to be part of a bigger plan or quilt that's slowly coming together. It's beginning to make more sense.
I'm still on my journey. I still miss my husband deeply but I feel more at peace now. God gave me peace and faith the size of a mustard seed at first but it's grown and is still growing. I'm learning to walk faithfully, not frantically. I'm lonely but not desperate. I'm brokenhearted but not crushed. I'm learning how to be still but moving forward. I'm learning that being still is not NOT moving. It's a stillness of spirit, not action. It's a peace and stillness from within. I'm settling into my singleness and my purpose. Who knows what the future holds; look how much changed in one year! We shall see. I'll continue to go where I'm led. He's never steered me wrong.
"I'm in awe that You would come to me
In awe that I could hear You speak.
Speak to me. I'm listening."~ Speak To Me by Kari Jobe
I’m broken now. I wasn’t before but when my world cracked and shifted like the tectonic plates below the surface of an earthquake something in me shifted too. I miss my husband something fierce and I long for the day when I can go home to heaven and be with him again. I’m secretly jealous of those that pass before me, especially when I know they’ll be reunited with their husband/wife in heaven. How beautiful that must be to run into their arms again and be led to the feet of our Savior together! I can only imagine. I’m homesick.
I’m homesick in the kind of way that a kid is at summer camp. They have fun during the day and enjoy the experience and make memories but they long to be home with their loved ones. They have trouble sleeping at night when everything gets quiet and still and they realize how small they are in the world, how alone they feel. They’re surrounded by other campers, kids their age, but they still feel so alone. That’s when they start to cry and want to call home, if not GO home.
I’m THAT kid at summer camp. I’m to the point in my journey that I’m experiencing life little by little again and I’m smiling and learning how to live again but when all the world is sleeping my mind races and my heart aches to be home in heaven with my hubby. I secretly wish I could just be done with this life already and get to go home too. And then I feel guilty for feeling that way or thinking that way. Don’t worry, I’m not suicidal, don’t call the suicide prevention hotline on me. I’m not taking steps for it to happen, I’m just fine with it if it does. Not that I have a choice in the matter, but you understand what I’m saying.
Losing someone close to you makes you face your own mortality and answer some hard questions. Are you ready to go today if He calls you home? My answer is Heck Yeah! Something I’m struggling with is taking measures to prolong life if something was to happen to me. If I got cancer or was in an accident... do I want to jump through hoops and go through the ringer or just live out my numbered days and accept God’s plan and go home if that’s the case? Do I sign a DNR? I want to, but then again I have a son, who will eventually grow up to have kids of his own, my grandkids. Do I want to miss that? Do I prolong life or prolong heaven??
I don’t want to prolong going to heaven. I want to go home! I’m so homesick. I wonder if those that go before us can relay messages to our loved ones in heaven, like a phone call from summer camp? Mark’s Grandma just passed. I wonder if he was there to greet her along with his grandpa, her husband, who passed a long time ago. I wonder if she heard me whisper in her ear to give my Marky a hug and a kiss for me and tell him how much I love him and miss him. I wonder if he got the message. Who knows!?! All I know is they’re there and I’m not yet and that makes me a little jealous. God forgive me for being jealous or envious. I’m just broken now, maybe I’m becoming a little jaded, and I want to go home. “I’ve never been more homesick than now.”
I debated whether or not to decorate the house for the holidays this year. It’s so hard going on with things and celebrating when my heart is still broken and a big piece of our lives is missing. But I decided to decorate, even if it is low-key, because I am still here, living, breathing, and serving others and that’s worth something. So I started thinking of all the things I’m thankful for and I made a list.
I’m thankful that I got the chance to love, really love, & be loved like I did.
I’m thankful that I had a husband that helped me show my son how to be a good man.
I’m thankful that I was able to experience God’s love and mercy and forgiveness in my husband’s arms, in a tangible way.
I’m thankful that he let me love him & lead him through this life and that he loved me until he left this earth.
I’m thankful that God has been with me through it all, before, during, and after. He’s been my protector and provider and has made His presence known so that I have peace in a very difficult time.
I’m thankful for my friends and family, my tribe, who have been there for me in more ways than I can mention.
I’m thankful for the people who have been constants in my life and have always been my safe place to land.
I’m thankful for God’s provision and for blessing me with the ability to pass my licensing boards this time last year. It’s allowed me to provide for my son and I and not have to make any lifestyle changes after losing Mark. We’ve had to change so much already.
I’m thankful for my work family. They’ve prayed over me, prayed with me, prayed for me, hugged me, heard me, made me laugh, supported me, and given me purpose.
I’m thankful for Tindell, my boss. Words can’t say enough about this woman. She has a heart of gold and gives unselfishly and is superwoman! I look up to her so much and am so thankful she brought me into the family.
I’m thankful for my parents who are always there, no more than a phone call away. I gave ‘em hell growing up but they never gave up on me. They’ve always supported me, loved me, pushed me, praised me, and made me the woman I am today. I don’t know what I would do without them.
I’m thankful for my sweet son. He’s such a good boy and doesn’t give me any problems (for the most part). He’s a teenager but he’s the most affectionate, wise, considerate 13 year old I know. He’s been through a lot and is still getting his bearings and learning how to be a man without a man in the house to look up to, but he’ll get it. We’ll figure it out and come out on the other side of this stronger and smarter.
I’m thankful for my church family, both in Mansfield @ TCAL and here @.Vista. They’ve done a great job of preaching and teaching and being a place of comfort and strength. I spend time in the prayer room often and find peace there, sitting at the foot of the cross.
I’m thankful for my GriefShare group and “feather friends,” others who have lost a loved one and suffer with me. We’re like birds of a feather, we flock together. They get me. We get each other.
I’m thankful for my ministry. I prayed a few years ago that God would lead me to be a good teacher to others and give me the words and the platform to lead others to Christ. He did. Although it’s not exactly the way I wanted things to go, I’m accepting my mission and bringing God the glory through it all. Where you go, I go. Lead the way Lord. Lead me to lead them.
I’m thankful for my gifts. I’ve been told I have the gift of being a good writer.and speaker and that my story and testimony have touched others. Thank you God for allowing me to use my gifts to do your work. I pray that you make clear to me what you want me to do next.
I’m thankful that I’m learning to live again. I’m thankful that I can dance without crying and talk about my sweet husband with a smile on my face now.
I’m thankful that I’m able to breathe again. I used to feel like I was drowning, always coming up gasping for air, but these days I feel like I’m either swimming or walking on water. There are days that I take my eyes of Jesus and I start to sink and drown again but He reaches out his hand and pulls me back up again and I’m able to catch my breath again. Thank God I can breathe!
I’m thankful for my kiddos (clients). They give me purpose and bring me joy. They’re the reason I survived after losing Mark. They didn’t know what was going on but they saw me sad and gave me hugs, brought me stuffed animals, and just sat with me quietly. It was the sweetest thing. I love my kiddos!
I’m thankful that I’ve figured out the meaning of life and I still have more than half my life left to live. Notice I haven’t said I’m thankful for my house or car or material things. It’s because none of that matters! What matters is how you treat people and how you live, how you serve, WHO you serve. I used to want the car, the kids, the house with the white picket fence. Well my life didn’t go that way. I got divorced after a turmoltuous first marriage, married Mark & then he got laid off when the plant shut down. We struggled with infertility, and financially, and couldn’t buy the house of my dreams. I was spinning my wheel like a hamster in a cage. It’s exhausting when you’re living outside of your means and aren’t satisfied with what you have or where you are in life. Mark taught me how to LIVE and over the course of our marriage I learned how to trust and let go and enjoy life, though I never could let go as much as he did. So I’m thankful for what he taught me and for gaining perspective & wisdom at such a young age so I don’t have to keep running the rat race. I can enjoy life, which is a blessing.
I’m thankful that the hard times have taught me more about myself and strengthened my relationship with God. I’ve seen Him more clearly and I’m not sure that would’ve happened if I was living high on the hill, blissfully unaware. So as much as it hurts and as hard as it is, I’m thankful that I’m making my way through it, even if I am walking through mud sometimes.
Finally, I’m thankful for new beginnings. I get the chance to begin again each morning. Most days are exhausting and tears are shed on a daily basis but I close my eyes at night and get to wake up to a fresh start each morning. Maybe one day it won’t hurt so bad. Maybe someday love will find me again and I’ll start my new beginning with another great love. Who knows? For now I’ll just be thankful for the new beginnings brought on by each sunrise.
So even though it hurts like hell there’s always something to be thankful for.
Before I started dating in July I talked to my husband in heaven and I prayed to God to help me guard my already broken and fragile heart. I asked that He would send me a man who was a good man, one with good qualities, someone who would run this race alongside me with endurance. Since then He’s made good on His promise to protect me.
I dated a guy for a month and when I was at the point of wrapping my mind around making it to 1st base (I hadn’t even allowed that at first) he lost interest and moved on. Then there was J. We had a good connection and a lot in common. We actually kissed a few times and there were butterflies and I started to look forward to his calls and texts. And then one day he said, “it’s not you, it’s me,” and he disappeared. I took it as another crisis averted, although that one stung a little. Since then I’ve tried to find peace and wholeness in myself and in God and if I’m asked out on a date then I’ll go but I’m not actively seeking it out or stressing about being alone... as much.
Well He did it again. I wasn’t seeking anything out. I’ve been talking to someone and we had planned to go out tonight. I really enjoy his company and our conversations and my mind began to think there might be something more to this. It might be a road worth going down. But then something came up and he had to cancel. I could look at it as a coincidence, just an unfortunate inconvenience, but I’m thinking God is protecting me yet again. I’ve seen the red flags with all of them but I choose to see the best in people and give the benefit of the doubt and I’ve ignored the red flags. Maybe God knows my weakness and He knows I’m not strong enough to call it quits once we start dating so He’s removing them from my path before I get in too deep. He knows I’m lonely and may not have the best judgement right now so He’s helping me out.
At least that’s what I choose to believe. Ask and it shall be granted. I prayed and trusted that He would supply all my needs and He would protect me and He is. Sometimes things don’t work out but it all all being woven together and worked for my good. It’s all good.
Last week’s sermon was on forgiveness. We read the book of Philemon and learned about God’s grace and forgiveness and our duty as Christians to forgive. We know this, right? Well the action step for us last week was to seek forgiveness from others. I’ve done a pretty good job of that along the course of my life. I even asked my ex for forgiveness a year AFTER we divorced, when I was finally ready. The only person I felt I needed forgiveness from is no longer here to forgive me. So I prayed about it and I talked to friends and decided to write my Mark a letter, seeking his forgiveness. It’s stuff I already talked to him about during those first days and months after his passing. I’ve asked for his forgiveness over and over since January 6th but I keep asking. Maybe it’s me who needs to forgive myself. OOH REVELATION!!!
Anyway this week’s sermon was on forgiving others. I knew this sermon was coming so I was trying to mentally prepare myself for what would be asked of me. As a Christian I know what I’m supposed to do, but as a person, a woman who lost her husband to drinking and driving, I wasn’t prepared to forgive yet. Immediately after the accident, within the first two or three days, I reached out to his friends that he was with him that night and told them it wasn’t their fault and that he wouldn’t want them to blame themselves. I said all this, and I meant it, but I didn’t realize at the time that I was speaking from my husband’s perspective, on his behalf basically.
After the funeral I felt myself becoming more angry with them. They were his best friends, they were supposed to look out for him. I felt like they influenced him in a negative way and they didn’t support his growth, our marriage, or me as his wife who only wanted the best for him. I was always made into the bad guy, the nagging wife, the ball and chain, trying to act like his mama or rain on his parade. Over the years they called me names, said I was stuck up for not wanting to be a part of that scene, said I was trying to change him. Maybe I was in a sense. I was trying to help him change the bad parts and grow into the best version of himself, the man I always knew he could be.
I have been harboring bitterness and unforgiveness towards them since the accident. Not once have they reached out to me, no text messages, no phone calls, no Facebook texts or messages. They haven’t stopped by to check on us or to see him, his urn, his memorial. I will admit that I unfriended them on Facebook because I couldn’t stand to see their lives going on when mine had been ruined, the love of my life so quickly and drastically taken away. It was too hard and I was bitter. Over the course of this year I have felt myself working through all the emotions associated with grief and loss. I’m processing everything and learning how to live again. I’m learning how to let go of regret, all the shoulda, coulda, woulda‘s from that night. I feel myself getting closer to being able to forgive them.
So after the sermon this week I met with the pastor and asked, “How do I know when I’m there? How do I know when I’m ready to actually say the words to them, I forgive you.” I’m past the anger stage and the bitterness stage, and I don’t wish anything bad on them nor do I want to seek revenge. I’ve actually gotten to the point where I pray for them. But does that mean I’m ready to forgive them? And if so, how do I do that? What do I say? What does that mean as far as a relationship goes? Do we have to be friends? My pastor said that my obligation as a Christian who has been forgiven is to forgive those who have sinned against me and to seek reconciliation but it’s okay to have boundaries. He said that I should just pray about it and ask God to make it clear to me what I am to do. He challenged me to pray for them every day this week.
This morning as I was on my way to work I was talking to God, like I normally do. I prayed for them this morning and then I asked God how I was supposed to make this happen. How can I forgive them after they encouraged him and directly caused his excessive drinking that night which caused the accident? I know he was a grown man, no one had to force him to drink, he did it to himself, but he was a social drinker. He was the life of the party and everybody loved “Good Time Mark.” Nobody stood in his way over the years. Nobody told him enough was enough. Nobody reminded him that he had a good thing at home and he needed to go home instead of the bar. I asked God “How can I fogive them when they were part of the problem?” And right then and there he put it on my heart. I heard him say, “How could they help him when they can’t even help themselves in that area? Forgive them for they know not what they do.” I remember Christ on the cross pleading to God to forgive those that were crucifying him, AS they were crucifying him. It was during this conversation with God this morning that I realized, they may have been part of the problem but they are battling the same demons that he was, caught in the same parterns. No wonder they never spoke truth to him, they don’t know it for themselves. But when you know better, you do better. So I acknowledged that I heard him loud and clear and said “OK Lord you’ve told me what I need to do, now lead me to do it and give me the words.”
I went about my day and rushed from work to my grief share meeting after work. I already completed the grief share program at the beginning of the year but I’m going through it a second time just because it helps. But because this is my second go-round, my attendance has been spotty. I’ve only gone to about three meetings. I am in a better place now and I don’t need it as much as I did during the initial weeks and months. I hadn’t been to a grief share meeting in the last three weeks but decided that today I was going to go. I walked in and wouldn’t you know the seminar was about forgiveness. Again, “OK Lord I hear you loud and clear.” So I’m certain I know what I need to do.
I came home and wrote a letter to Mark and asked for forgiveness for all the things I did wrong, all the ways I failed him, especially that night. And then I forgave him for leaving me, for choosing his friends and the party lifestyle over me sometimes, for letting his demons control his behavior sometimes. I forgive him for everything because I love him. And then I told him what I would say to his friends, given the opportunity. I’m going to try to reach out to them. They may hang up on me or slam the door in my face, but I feel like they need to hear it from me that I forgive them and that I understand. I understand that they didn’t mean for it to happen and that if they could take it all back they would because they loved him too. I know how bad it hurts and how heavily guilt weighs on your shoulders. I know the burden that they’re bearing. I’m telling them to lay it down. I wish things could’ve been different but they’re not and they are not completely to blame and I realize that now. I recognize the struggles that they face: the same struggles he did, and now the struggle for peace, the struggle with guilt, the struggle for forgiveness. I see them, I feel their pain, I hear their hearts, & I forgive them.
If you’re reading this... I forgive you. Mark loved you and I love you. Don’t let him go in vain. When you know better, you do better. Do better. Live better. Love harder. Try harder. Do better. It’s all we can do, just try to do better every day and be obedient to our Father in Heaven. I’m trying and I hope you’ll accept my forgiveness and live free in the grace and peace that only comes from knowing Him and walking with Him. I’m free and I’m forgiven and now I forgive you.
